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To be pissed off over my birthday

(41 Posts)
Hardhaton Sat 22-Jun-13 19:48:12

After debating my 30th birthday and whether I should have a party, I decided over a month ago we would have a house/garden party starting in the afternoon so kids can be involved 2. (Birthday is in aug).
My friend has got an invite to another party the same day and now my brother has decided they are going on holiday from the 7th until the 16th.
Ok so my mum died 5 years ago, my dad started shagging about 2 weeks after she died so we don't speak and I have nothing to do with my sister after she told me I was being a bitch to have ds4 when she couldn't have 1 full stop.
My mum never saw ds3and ds4, never saw me get married. My brother is my only family.
Aibu to think that he should be there for this?
I never celebrated being 18 as I was heavily pregnant and 21 I was a single mum at home with ds1.

BeepBeepBeep Sat 22-Jun-13 19:57:13

flowers for you as you sound really fed up.
Is it possible that your friend could go to the other party first, and leave early to come and join yours? Or the other way round seeing as yours starts early? Tell her how you feel, and that you will be sad if she can't make it for a couple of hours.
As for your Brother, did he book the holiday before or after your invitation was sent to him? I know where you're coming from, as I don't have my Mum or Grandparents around anymore so I really need/want my Dad and Brother at special events.

CloudsAndTrees Sat 22-Jun-13 20:00:49

YANBU to be passed off and disappointed, but YABU to expect your brother to revolve his holiday plans around a birthday afternoon in the garden. I know it matters and it's your 30th, but I do think you are expecting quite a lot of your brother.

Does he have other people to consider in his holiday plans?

Hardhaton Sat 22-Jun-13 20:08:19

He has his own family wife daughter and son ( he's off to the army in July)
Invites were sent out at beginning of June. I understand he's gotta take the time off from work when it's available but I feel like as the youngest of 3 (age gap of 11&10 years) and doing everything alone, I've never asked for money or lifts ect, that this is one thing I've asked of him.
I support him in everything he does and his family. Kind of heart broken now

Onesleeptillwembley Sat 22-Jun-13 20:31:32

If your brother is joining the army in July there's no way he'll getva holiday in August.

Hardhaton Sat 22-Jun-13 20:36:06

No his son. My nephew

gobbynorthernbird Sat 22-Jun-13 20:42:59

Maybe (given that it's a low-key event) they just didn't realise how important it was to you.

Hissy Sat 22-Jun-13 20:52:48

YANBU to be hurt by their lack of interest.

Sadly YABU, by the sounds of it, to expect anything more of them.

You see who your friends are, make space in your life for those who add to it.

Leav those that can't be arsed behind.

ENormaSnob Sat 22-Jun-13 20:55:03

Sorry but I wouldn't arrange my holiday around a party either.

I think you are being a bit precious.

Hardhaton Sat 22-Jun-13 21:10:24

Yeah thanks for that!!!

ExitPursuedByABear Sat 22-Jun-13 21:13:32

Ah come on. It's you're 30th birthday. No big deal. You can't expect folk to rearrange plans.

timidviper Sat 22-Jun-13 21:16:13

As I have got older I have realised that sometimes things that are really important to me and seem really obviously major are seen by others as something and nothing. No real right or wrong, their perception is just different to mine. I think you should tell your brother how you feel, maybe he doesn't realise how important this is to you.

Unfortunately we don't really have much ability to change others, in the long run the only way we can be happier is to change our expectations. At your age I was still hoping my brother would show an ounce of interest or consideration, twenty years later I have altered my expectations of him to nothing and I feel better because I am rarely disappointed.

AmyFarrahFowlerCooper Sat 22-Jun-13 21:17:04

YABU to expect your brother to give up his holiday for an afternoon. If he has to take time off when its available, then its just bad timing and at (almost) 30 years old you should be mature enough to understand that. You could always have the actual party before or after your birthday and spend your birthday day with your immediate family.

WorraLiberty Sat 22-Jun-13 21:21:29

I agree, YABU to expect your brother, his wife and his son to rearrange their holiday for a Birthday.

A wedding - possibly, but not a house party.

Is there anything else you can do? Like go to your favourite posh restaurant with your family or something?

BridgetBidet Sat 22-Jun-13 21:46:31

So his son is going to join the army. To do a job he might potentially die doing and not come back from. And his father wants to spend quality time with him before he goes.

Sorry, a 30th birthday party does not trump spending time with your so when he's going off into a situation where it's very possible he might die.

Either change the date or just have it with your other friends. If you have your own partner and kids there that will be what matters.

But no, his son is much more important than you in this situation and you need to accept that.

Incidentally you might start trying to build some bridges with the rest of your family, you sound like you've been quite judgmental and unforgiving of them and a bit of understanding might go a long way.

TidyDancer Sat 22-Jun-13 21:58:20

Well, the holiday very definitely trumps a birthday when the DS of the family is about to go into the army!

I don't blame you for feeling a bit sad, but YABVU if you think the plans should actually change.

marriedinwhiteagain Sat 22-Jun-13 22:31:12

I'm sorry about your family circs but you have 4 dc and your life ahead of you.

When I was 30 it wasn't a big deal and I spent it in tears because I wasn't married, had no children and my life wasn't as I thought it would be. Had met DH though.

Have a lovely day with your dp and dc and count your blessings

acheekyvimto Sat 22-Jun-13 23:10:39

YANBU, I have a summer birthday, most years people are on holiday.

For some reason I had a birthday party similar to what you want for my 30th. Only birthday party I've had. I'm 35 in 3 weeks, no one wanted to join me for a party/night out. I'm going away with my children because they love me and want to celebrate with me.

Hopasholic Sat 22-Jun-13 23:27:50

Well I think you're all being a bit harsh sad. OP has had a tough time of it and personally, if one of my siblings had an upcoming 30th, I wouldn't book a holiday if I knew in advance when the party was. I'd want to be there.

C'mon, read between the lines people. 25 is young to lose your mum, and 5 years is still raw in terms of grief. When you celebrate a milestone birthday, it is always tinged with sadness for the people that are no longer with you. Sadly speaking with too much experience here.

Have a glass of wine on me.

And a very happy birthday in advance flowers

chocoluvva Sat 22-Jun-13 23:39:02

Birthdays, like Christmas make you think about family - or your lack of it indeed.

It probably hasn't occurred to your brother that you'd like to make up for not being able to celebrate your 18th and 21st birthdays in style. He probably doesn't realise how important this party is to you.

Could you change the date?

FWIW - lots of people don't consider 30 as being one to make a lot off.

Hissy Sun 23-Jun-13 07:03:06

Maybe your brother doesn't realise how important it is, for you, that he is there, and hasn't twigged it's a 30th, which IS actually a big deal tbh.

Can you move the date so that he can be there? Cam you talk to him and tell him how you're thinking?

onetiredmummy Sun 23-Jun-13 07:17:23

I was with you in the beginning OP but this:

Ok so my mum died 5 years ago, my dad started shagging about 2 weeks after she died

makes me ragy as people have said the same about my dad but show zero compassion or empathy with his grief & prefer to indulge their own judgy nonsense.

A holiday is more important than an afternoon birthday party for an adult, particularly as son is going into army so his timescales for holidays are constrained.

yabu, move the date of your party if your brother has to be there.

sweettooth99 Sun 23-Jun-13 07:32:25

What hopasholic said, and maybe taking to your brother about how important he is to you would help?

personally, I really wish people stop would being so harsh on here. The op is clearly grieving for the loss of her parents and sister, and wants a special time to be with her loved ones all together. Not precious. Just painful, I'd have thought. Good luck op, hope you can enjoy your day with people who are able to be there, and try not to be hurt if they can't. [Flowers]

Cherriesarelovely Sun 23-Jun-13 07:43:46

So sorry you are having such a hard time. It must be incredibly upsetting feeling isolated like that, missing your mum and being sad that other family members arenot there for you. Yanbu at all. It may well be that your brother doesn't realise how much this means to you but I don't blame you for feeling like you do. Do you have some lovely close friends that can support you?

TimeofChange Sun 23-Jun-13 07:55:10

Some of these replies are harsh.
The nephew is off to the army in July, the brother and family are going on holiday after that - without the nephew.
Maybe your brother is just thoughtless.

I understand Op distancing herself from her dad.
Ok, he may have dealt with his grief by shagging other woman, but I don't think many of us could sympathise with our Dads' behaving like that.

IME, birthdays, like Christmas are a cause of upset, big birthdays more so.

You must miss your Mum a lot.
Try to concentrate on the positive, your four lovely children and DH.

Best wishes to you and hope you have a wonderful birthday.

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