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to not help him move house?

(30 Posts)
EleanorHandbasket Sat 22-Jun-13 10:19:55

This is so out of my comfort zone, DH too, as we usually go well out of our way to help people if we can.

This is a member of my family. He is one of life's takers. He works about three hours a day, probably less, self employed, in order to earn little enough to claim the full whack of 'top up' benefits.

He has two teenage children and has just been given a brand new house because they need an extra bedroom (now that his son lives with them), he is moving from what was a brand new (huge and lovely) flat that he was given twelve years ago when he split from the DC's mum.

All he has done is moan about the new house. They are still building the estate, the kitchen's not as big as the flat, it's further from school for the kids, moan moan moan.

Weeks ago he asked DH if he could help him move, last weekend. DH was happy to do so. The move was then postponed until this week but he didn't bother telling us, we got it third hand from my mum. DH did overtime at work instead.

Then a couple of days ago his son came to my door and asked if DH coudl help this weekend. His Dad was in his car idling the engine at the side of the road. I said that I thought DH was working so probably not. TBH if he'd come and actually asked us himself I might have been more inclined but that was just the last straw, for me.

DH isn't working today and could have helped, but I've told him not to. He does have other people helping.

I have just had enough of seeing him get the world handed to him on a plate. It grates. I know it doesn't make me a nice person but it's just rank, really. When anyone else moves house we pay a removal firm, or we do it ourselves. If we need help we ask for it, politely, not through a teenager. He just expects every one else in the family to step in.

The kids are pretty much neglected, they walk around in rags and they all eat really badly, the kids are always in trouble at school for not having the right equipment/uniform (we have all stepped in to help with them many many times), he pleads poverty all the time and gets handouts from his Dad and my Mum, but they are off to Greece for two weeks in August. They were given a new computer under some scheme, his Dad pays for his car for work, and on and on and on. I just think all this help and handholding doesn't do him any favours.

This is just a rant really, and I might regret posting, but I now have The Guilt because we coudl have helped and haven't.

Would you have? AIBU?

mmmuffins Sat 22-Jun-13 10:27:43

No, I wouldn't have helped. He sounds incredibly selfish, and spending time with him would stress me out and make me upset!

hermioneweasley Sat 22-Jun-13 10:40:38

From what you've said he's one of life's takers. Heaven knows why our system allows people to do this and positively rewards them, I have no idea. I say good on you for saying your DH is busy.

Silverfoxballs Sat 22-Jun-13 11:04:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EleanorHandbasket Sat 22-Jun-13 11:07:16

I'm dwelling on this today and it's really upsetting me, actually.

Neither he or his ex have ever worked properly, she has grown up children who don't work, and several grandchildren by her son with various women, two of his children are a month apart.

His children have no ambition or drive (and why woudl they?), his DD is doing gcses and according to her FB is not doing well, his DS is a little thug and constantly in detention.

His son lives with him now because his mother moved a convicted paedophile into their home and social services stepped in. The boyfriend is still there.

So because they were 'overcrowded' they have now been allocated a newly built three bed house, which he will pay peanuts for (he moaned about the increased rent, too, it amounts to about £100 a month as most of it is paid for him).

It just makes me want to stamp my feet and scream 'its not fair'.

There is no reason why he can't work full time, no disabilities or childcare issues or job shortages. What chance have those kids got of growing up to be capable adults?

Grr.

MrsBungle Sat 22-Jun-13 11:09:05

No I wouldn't have helped either. The least he could have done is ask you politely.

EleanorHandbasket Sat 22-Jun-13 11:14:09

Exactly.

And, if he was being a bit more, I don't know, grateful? For the house and the help and the handouts. It's all so Sense Of Entitlement™.

EleanorHandbasket Sat 22-Jun-13 11:17:24

God I sound like a right cunt.

I'm very glad the kids are being housed appropriately, and that we live in a system that protects them as much as it can from poverty and abuse.

But I wish he'd pull his fucking finger out and stop expecting the world to hand it all to him on a platter.

imademarion Sat 22-Jun-13 11:21:58

No you sound like someone who works hard and cannot understand those spongers who just leech off the good nature of people like you.

You say you've helped the kids put plenty of times, that's really kind of you and your conscience should be clear. It's not their fault their dad is a tool.

It would grate in me too that I was asked to help someone move house (horrible job, I loathe it) who had the money to go on holiday but not to take responsibility to pay for removals people.

Stop feeling guilty and go enjoy your Saturday!!

expatinscotland Sat 22-Jun-13 11:23:08

I wouldn't have helped, either.

StealthPolarBear Sat 22-Jun-13 11:24:15

I dont understand why he is entitled to all this when you say there is no reason he can't work ft?

ParsleyTheLioness Sat 22-Jun-13 11:32:04

If its any consolation, it will be a lot harder soon for him to get Tax Credits for being Self-Employed. Have looked into this, as I am also SE. He presumably is declaring he is working more than 3 hrs a day, or he would not get max tax credits. The system will be, if you can't make at least full time min wage, you will be 'encouraged' to look for other work.

EleanorHandbasket Sat 22-Jun-13 11:33:08

I think it's because he's self employed? So he works, but not as much as he could, and earns very little so gets tax credits and housing benefit.

If he worked all day he'd make plenty of money, but he just does school runs (he drives a taxi).

I think if he was employed they could make him work more hours, but they woudl have no way of proving he only works a few hours a day, I assume.

EleanorHandbasket Sat 22-Jun-13 11:33:28

Ah x-post.

digerd Sat 22-Jun-13 11:34:04

He had other people helping him? Why do these people help those who do not deserve helpconfused A Holiday in greece costs a lot. He has a cheek, but others enable him to scrounge off them. WHY??

Good for your DH.

EleanorHandbasket Sat 22-Jun-13 11:39:46

It's just the family dynamic. He asks for help, he gets it.

His DD used to come to my Mums house to get the ingredients for Food Tech instead of him buying them. My Mum bought her dresses for all family occasions. I used to look after her after school. We all step in because we don't want to see the DC go without, but it absolves him of having to do anything.

hermioneweasley Sat 22-Jun-13 12:27:10

Spongers drive me crazy. I have no problem supporting people who can't work due to illness, but I have this crazy old fashioned notion that if you can work you should work. I come from a country where if you don't work, you don't eat (or you rely on charity). Perhaps supporting spongers is the price we pay for taking care of the vulnerable properly?

Boils my piss though.

StealthPolarBear Sat 22-Jun-13 12:28:39

Oh I see. YANBU for not helping.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 22-Jun-13 12:32:14

YANBU

People like him really piss me off.

We have a taker in our family and I avoid whenever possible.

EleanorHandbasket Sat 22-Jun-13 12:40:09

As my wise friend says, we have to tolerate the Thenardiers so we can support the Fantines....

digerd Sat 22-Jun-13 12:46:00

OP
Just gone over your post from 11:17:06.
1" his ds is a little thug and always in detention". Is that the one that was removed from his mum's as she has a paedophile BF still living with her ? shock
2. " they were overcrowded and needed another bedroom" - You mentioned he has 2 teenagers living with him in "a huge and lovely flat"< he was very lucky to be given that> and now "moans that the new build's kitchen is not as big as the flat's etc" angry.
His dad pays for his car.
He is an ungrateful taker and a user and shouldn't be pandered to.

YANBU to not want to help him move, but imo "the family dynamics" are.

WorraLiberty Sat 22-Jun-13 12:49:21

YANBU to be bitter...although I wouldn't let it eat you up as there will always be life's spongers and takers.

But YABU to tell your DH what to do.

EleanorHandbasket Sat 22-Jun-13 12:53:37

Yes, his son is the one who was removed, he's in his first year at secondary and is very close to being excluded because he is a violent bully. His daughter has always lived with him since he and his ex split when she was four (his ds was a baby and she wanted him but not her). His dd has an attachment disorder, unsurprisingly.

He gets a huge amount of respect and applause from some of the family because he's a single dad. Which automatically makes him a hero, you see.

EleanorHandbasket Sat 22-Jun-13 12:59:48

I didn't bark it at him in a German accent or nuffink, I just said I'd rather he didn't help.

Tbh he's worked all weekend for two weeks running so I'd rather have him at home bringing me coffees and changing ds2s nappies...

WorraLiberty Sat 22-Jun-13 13:01:31

Yes but surely it's his decision to make?

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