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Is she being unreasonable making this request of my husband?

(204 Posts)
Souredstones Fri 21-Jun-13 21:53:43

Husband has a female friend who is a complete drama queen, and tbh I find it tiring and so limit my contact with her. Tonight he gets a call from her, clearly about something major, and with the request 'you're the only person I've told, please don't tell anyone, not even Souredstones about it'

Now my automatic inclination whenever anyone says 'you're the only person who knows this don't tell ANYONE' is to call 'bullshitting liar' but I think it's even worse to expect a husband to keep something from his wife. I don't want to know what micro drama is affecting her life, I have no interest in it, I just have issue with her asking my husband to keep a secret from me.

I also take umbridge with him keeping said secret.

Aibu or is she?

babyhmummy01 Fri 21-Jun-13 22:46:59

Personally I think yabu. If I am told something on confidence I don't go running and telling my dp and I wouldn't expect him to come and tell me either. Trust is very important to us both and I don't believe it is right to breech a trust placed in you by anyone

AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom Fri 21-Jun-13 22:51:01

I wouldn't necessarily share something a friend had told me in confidence, but nor would I make a big deal of saying that I'd been told not to say. It's a bit "I have a seeeeecret".

Are you sure your partner isn't enjoying the drama a bit. Living vicariously?

JackNoneReacher Fri 21-Jun-13 22:51:02

Yes I was wondering that tanu how do you know? Is he also a drama queen? Did he put the phone down and immediately say "I've got a massive juicy secret and I can't possibly tell you, nothing will make me say..."

lessonsintightropes Fri 21-Jun-13 22:53:40

Souredstones, I think it's complicated by the fact you overheard part of the conversation. If you hadn't, he could keep her confidence without upsetting you (and I do think it's okay to have friendships outside of marriage) - but it's not at all unreasonable to be upset by her making a drama out of it and telling him he must not tell you. If in your shoes, I would amuse myself and tell him all the most outrageous things it could possibly be (got scabies; got drunk and vommed on her boss's shoes; some other slightly schadenfreude thing) and make him laugh about it. But then I might be a bit mean... Don't stress about it, she sounds like a nightmare and will probably be gone from your life in due course.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Fri 21-Jun-13 23:47:07

I think the key thing is whether she gave your DH the choice tbh.

Did she tell him the secret then tell him not to tell you, which is really not on and in that case he'd be within his rights to take out billboard advertising if he wanted?

Or did she say she wanted to tell him something but before she did, she would have to ask him not to share it with anyone even you?

The second scenario is ok because it gives him the choice to say no - I don't want to hear it under those circumstances.

It's important to have mutually agreed boundaries if you are a married couple. I think opposite sex friendships are fine as long as both of the married couple are happy around those agreed appropriate boundaries. They need discussion.

Alisvolatpropiis Fri 21-Jun-13 23:50:54

Yabu sorry but get a grip.

ChocsAwayInMyGob Fri 21-Jun-13 23:51:10

I think she is creating intimacy between her and your DH and that would jar with me.

It's probably a boring secret, but it's the deliberate secrecy between the two of them that would put me on my guard. From her, not your DH.

Mia4 Fri 21-Jun-13 23:58:00

She sounds like she's possible done it in a dramatic way so could be being unreasonable but i think the implication of no secrets or confidences of friends at all is not pleasant for me personally.

There are some confidences you shouldn't break, however my friends who've asked me not to break a confidence have said 'please don't tell anyone else' and given me a choice before divulging, which I've accepted.

MagicHouse Sat 22-Jun-13 00:03:07

I would be annoyed with both of them. I think that he should trust you enough to share whatever it is with you, or else be able to tell this woman that he doesn't keep secrets from you.... or.... simply not tell you there is a secret to keep.

sarahtigh Sat 22-Jun-13 00:11:17

it depends: to tell someone a secret that is stressful and then demand that they keep secret and not share the difficulties of it. not a trivial thing but something that would worry you and then not allow you to share your deep worries with your DH is not really on,

for example a close friend saying they had a terminal illness and for some reason to not want me to tell Dh but I am really worried about them and Dh asks what is bothering me and I can't say ... that type of secret keeping is not fair on the recipient especially if they are told first and then told not to say anything

on the other hand a friend asking me not to tell DH about some teenage fling 10 years before she met her DH is absolutely fine

HoneyDragon Sat 22-Jun-13 00:15:49


When you've reached the point in a relationship where the way he (for example) eats mints makes you want to stab him violently with a sharpened weasel, but you wouldn't actually leave him over it.

That is the point in a long term relationship when you can start to share others secrets as a couple grin

BackforGood Sat 22-Jun-13 00:20:13

Like tanukiton - my first thought is "How do you know this?" Is your dh so indiscreet as to come rushing to tell you something a friend has asked him not to tell anyone ? hmm Not much of a friend.

I will often have confidential information from work that I wouldn't tell dh. I will occasionally know things about people or situations that I have been told in confidence by a friend, and I wouldn't tell dh them either, without checking first if it's OK to. It's called keeping a confidence. It's all about being trusted. Most adults can do it, fortunately.

WafflyVersatile Sat 22-Jun-13 00:30:56

I'm not interested in where you are in your relationship.

I'm interested in my friend not betraying my confidence just because she thinks her balding, lard-arsed, ball scratching DH is the best thing since sliced bread. I may not agree. I might think her husband is an oaf not a loaf.

StealthPolarBear Sat 22-Jun-13 00:38:37

I haven't told someone a "secret" since I was about 14. I'm sure I've spoken to friends about things I'd rather they kept to themselves and I imagine that was clear from the topic and my reaction. Do grown women really do this?

HoneyDragon Sat 22-Jun-13 07:22:35


My post was tongue in cheek, I thought.

curlew Sat 22-Jun-13 07:27:17

Hang on- so are people saying that if you have a friend who is in a long term relationship, you would expect anything you told them to automatically shared with their partner? Reqlly???? That's awful!!!!!!!!

PoppyAmex Sat 22-Jun-13 07:32:40

Waffly, you asked at what point should you expect it, Honey Dragon kindly and pretty accurately answered.

Failing to see who's the fat bald lard ass though, but if that's the way you speak about your friends' partners I'd say you have deeper issues to solve within your friendships.

wigglesrock Sat 22-Jun-13 07:36:31

YABU, I've been married for 15 years, there are loads of other people's "secrets" I've never told him. From pregnancies, job losses, miscarriages. I'm really surprised that most people would automatically think it's ok to tell their partner.

My mum has told me things, she'd be really hurt if she knew I told my husband and she's known him for 20 years.

I have a "secret" not as mysterious as it sounds it's really private, only my parents and husband know. I'd be so angry if I told a friend in complete confidence and then found out they felt that didn't include their partner.

Lovelygoldboots Sat 22-Jun-13 07:37:15

I think with the secret thing yabu, but you are better off not knowing. If you did know, it wouldnt change the fact that you find her annoying. Ignorance is bliss in this case. smile

curlew Sat 22-Jun-13 07:39:54

Absolutely! I actually find it quite shocking that people think it's OK- even normal- to break confidences like this.

Duckegg80 Sat 22-Jun-13 07:53:36

My friend has recently confided in me about something very personal to her that she doesn't want anyone else (apart from her own husband) to know. As she is a very private person in general it is unusual for her to open up in this way. It's not my 'secret' to share, does not impact on my relationship with my husband in any way, so I have, as promised not said a word about it.

It's playing on my mind a bit because I am concerned for her, but this in no way would justify me betraying her confidence. I don't feel I have to tell my husband everything, particularly when it has nothing to do with us as a couple and I don't understand the 'we tell each other everything' notion. We didn't become one person when we married.

bragmatic Sat 22-Jun-13 07:54:10

My husband isn't privy to things my friends tell me in confidence. I think my friends keep my secrets, too. The thing is, none of us are drama queens who seem to jump from crisis to crisis and engage in "please don't tell anyone about my latest drama!!!!!" conversations on a regular basis. I'd find that pretty exasperating.

I find drama queens a bit hard to take seriously, and as a result they probably shouldn't confide in me because stuff that is normally a big deal to them seems either trivial, or blown out of all proportion to me.

Yankeedoodlenic Sat 22-Jun-13 07:58:04

I must say I won't help clear this up for Soured as there seems to be two distinct point of views here! But if I tell a married friend something personal or private I do sort of assume there is a chance she will share it with DH. I always thought that was just a general assumption. I do tend to tell my DH any juicy gossip I get - that way I can get it off my chest & not tell someone I shouldn't! Because if people say they don't get the urge to spread juicy gossip I think they might be fibbing! wink

Anyway Soured I think it sounds like the whole thing is a bit of a wind up. If she didn't want anyone to know - she shouldn't of told anyone & that has always been my philosophy about secrets. I think you have a right to be a bit upset but at the same time it probably isn't worth causing stress over. So I'd say - try & let this one go. If it keeps happening then maybe you need to sit down & explain to your DH about why it makes you upset! Just getting angry or insisting he tell you probably won't help the situ!

MusicalEndorphins Sat 22-Jun-13 07:58:36

I agree with what WafflyVersatile said.
She's not asking your husband to keep a secret from you. It's not his secret. She has confided in a friend and asked him to keep that confidentiality.

HoneyDragon Sat 22-Jun-13 07:58:40

Yup wasn't meant to upset.

I think secrets are something you have to be careful with. And you have to accept that people view their own relationships differently.

In the ops case, I might be pissed off if my dh was this woman's only point of contact for her secret and dramas. Which may lead to my tolerance waning. Particularly on a Friday night when I want to relax with my family.

Both my dh work in environments where we have to sign non disclosure agreements, so I guess not telling each other stuff is a non issue.

Aside from the morality of this issue, I am a little cynical though that the friend didn't call at a time when she knew she could have a private conversation, if it was that serious a conversation to have.

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