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I generally don't know if IABU.

(56 Posts)
Marmite48 Fri 21-Jun-13 11:27:40

I live with my parents (Long story) which is not by choice. We have had our problems however for a long time it has been pleasant being here but I need to know whether IABU with this particular problem.

DS is nearly 2 and I am 34 weeks PG, Today DS has been playing up not listening, tantrums and general toddler behaviour. He took something which he knows that he shouldn't ran away and wouldn't give it back to me. I took the item from him and told him no that he is not allowed said item and he started crying, at that point my F walks in from work and I tell him 'Don't lather DS with attention as he has been naughty' DS is still crying and follows F into the other room. I hear my F praising DS and playing with him. An argument broke out between me and my F as I explained to him that if he comes in after DS has been naughty and praises him and plays with him that he will always come to him (Its as if that's what he wants) F called me a jealous mother and said that I have problems. He told me that he will never be nasty to DS (I wasn't asking this, I was asking him to not praise DS and give him loads of attention as DS generally cries and I quietly talk to him about what he has done and then things are fine).

My F doesn't listen to how I want to raise DS and goes against my requests for when he is with him.

Who is BU?

wigglesrock Fri 21-Jun-13 11:56:19

If your Dad wasn't even in the house when your child was being bold challenging smile then I don't think you can ask your Dad to withdraw from what he usually does with your son. You are asking your Dad to punish your son for something he wasn't a part of iyswim.

I would tell your Dad to catch himself on re the jealous mother bit.

I sympathise, my dd3 is 2.4 - we haven't had the easiest week morning.

PearlyWhites Fri 21-Jun-13 11:59:11

I think yabu because you are talking about a grandparent who didn't witness the incident. If it was your ds father I would think differently.

CloudsAndTrees Fri 21-Jun-13 12:06:56

YABU because you have created a situation where you are living with your parents when you have a child and another on the way. These things are inevitable when you live with other people and you have children.

YAalsoBU for wanting a grandparent to withdraw attention from a not even two year old when you have already told the child that he is not to take whatever it was.

To a one year old, having grandad ignore you because of something you have already been told off for isn't going to be very nice.

WorraLiberty Fri 21-Jun-13 12:07:37

Yes I think YABU

I couldn't suddenly be cool with a 2yr old if i'm normally affectionate...because the 2yr old wouldn't understand why.

Birdsgottafly Fri 21-Jun-13 12:09:22

What you are asking your dad to do, is withdraw emotionally from your DS, for an incident that happened when he wasn't even there.


Deal with the incident and do not allow it to effect any other praise/attention that your DS is given, in fact, never withdraw affection.

I would say that whilst your DS needs to be told off, all he did was normal toddler behaviour.

Bringmewineandcake Fri 21-Jun-13 12:09:42

Your dad was wrong to not follow your wishes, it was undermining. However you need to think if your wishes were reasonable? Your DS is under 2, you've told him no and that should be the end of it. I don't think you should have issued a ban on him having fun with someone else after being told off.
brew for you. Have a word with your dad and ask him not to undermine you, but also think about where to draw the line with punishing your DS.

Birdsgottafly Fri 21-Jun-13 12:10:50

I would also, say that this is how children grow into adults thinking sulking and withdrawing emotionally is acceptable, rather than address issues and get past them.

nilbyname Fri 21-Jun-13 12:13:18

Perhaps your parents feel you are too strict. Its hard for GPs to sit back and see that I think, I know my DM dislikes it when I reprimand DS.

I agree with bringme a quick no, and take the item away is enough of a telling off for an almost 2 year old.

Madamecastafiore Fri 21-Jun-13 12:13:57

How long were you going to withdraw and expect everyone else to for this awful crime???

Seriously, reprimand him, give him a hug and get on with life.

Marmite48 Fri 21-Jun-13 12:17:46

I wouldn't expect him to ignore DS, just not to be over affectionate as he walked in as soon as I had told him no and DS started crying and walked straight up to him. I'm just worried about how I look to him I guess, I would hate for DS to resent me because I am always the one having to teach him no and he can go and get comfort from someone else.

I understand IABU so thank you for clearing that up with me, it was the jealous mother and telling me that I've got a problem which got my back up the most.

Like I said, I'm just worried that DS will start to see me as the disciplinarian and not someone who he can find comfort in.

nilbyname Fri 21-Jun-13 12:20:14

marmite It is shit thinking that you are the bad cop al the time and the other adults supply all the fun, talk to your parents about it.

Marmite48 Fri 21-Jun-13 12:22:53

Madame- I wasn't going to ignore DS and I didn't ask my F to either. I always let him calm down go over to him and pick him up and then explain that he needs to listen. After that we have a cuddle, all is well and DS is back to normal, it was just that it happened and straight after F walked in and comforted him.

cory Fri 21-Jun-13 12:23:19

Marmite48 Fri 21-Jun-13 12:17:46
"I'm just worried about how I look to him I guess, I would hate for DS to resent me because I am always the one having to teach him no and he can go and get comfort from someone else.

Like I said, I'm just worried that DS will start to see me as the disciplinarian and not someone who he can find comfort in."

But the truth is, you are the parent, the disciplinarian job is yours and nobody else's, you can't expect anybody else to fill that job just because it is not the nicest or most popular one.

You still have so much time to be close to your ds and fulfill his deepest needs, to comfort him, to be the person closest to him. Don't worry about it. But don't lay your worries on your father either.

WorraLiberty Fri 21-Jun-13 12:23:22

I suppose in the family set up that you have, you have to be the bad cop or your parents risk upsetting you if they try to discipline your child.

Does your DP do any of the discipline?

CloudsAndTrees Fri 21-Jun-13 12:24:28

It's ok for your children to see you as a disciplinarian! You are their parent, it's part of your job!

You children seeing that you discipline them doesn't mean they see you as someone who can't comfort them. That's the great thing about your parents when you are small, they are all of the things you need them to be. If anything, solid boundaries make children feel secure.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Fri 21-Jun-13 12:25:22


I do understand why it must be difficult for you though. It is your parents house so if you want that level of control then you really need to find your own place, it can't be easy either for your father to come home to a crying toddler

imnotmymum Fri 21-Jun-13 12:27:36

in about 6 weeks you will be begging your Father to play with him ... I know where you coming from but if DS told by you that should be it no need to drag it on IMO and let him have some time with GD.

babyhmummy01 Fri 21-Jun-13 12:30:32

YANBU, if you have asked your F to respect that DS has been naughty and that you would prefer him not to be rewarded then he should respect that and adhere to it...however...having said that Grandparents hate being the bad guys and will always sympathise with the child.

I have this with my DP's parents where DSC's are concerned and I know I will have it from them and my parents when baby is born and old enough to get into mischief. They seem to forget that they punished us as kids for being naughty and would get p*ssed off at their parents / in laws for undermining them.

I wouldn't have a row with your parents, esp if you are living with them and not able to move out!! I would simply sit them down and ask that they respect your boundaries as a parent and that if you ask them to not fuss him when he has been naughty that they uphold that. If they cannot do that then you may not to look at finding away to move out.


Marmite48 Fri 21-Jun-13 12:34:55

Worra- ExP left me when I fell PG with DC2 and he has shown minimal interest in DS and the baby ever since.

Birdsgottafly Fri 21-Jun-13 12:45:07

Baby, affection and attention, isn't a reward.

WorraLiberty Fri 21-Jun-13 12:46:09

Oh I'm sorry to hear that OP

What a shit sad

babyhmummy01 Fri 21-Jun-13 12:51:01

birds it is if he knows he has done wrong and has just been told off. It completely undermines his mum and makes out like its ok to ignore mummy cos granddad will give me hugs. IMO its unacceptable.

Madamecastafiore Fri 21-Jun-13 13:04:13

This is making me quite sad. The poor little mite had already been reprimanded.

When were you going to allow affection again? 10 minutes, 20, half an hour?

What do you think such a small child learns from how you are behaving and expecting your father to behave?

babyhmummy01 Fri 21-Jun-13 13:08:48

See its comments like yours madame that make me VERY sad and quite cross.

Children need to learn that certain behaviour is not acceptable and if a parent chooses to discipline and asks that this is not undermined then that should be respected - end of.

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