AIBU to pull out of niece's birthday party next week ...

[OhNoHereWeGoAgain]

because I think my sister is out of order?

Niece is having a bowling party for her 6th birthday next week and has invited loads of kids. My sister invited my 3 (4, 15 and 17). My other sister also has 3 children (3, 6 and 10) and I've just found out that only the 2 youngest have been invited. The eldest has been left out as he's 'too old'.

My sister's have had a massive row over this and are no longer speaking. First sister thinks this is acceptable as my older 2 will be there more as helpers than guests and none of the other invitees are bringing older siblings. Second sister thinks it extremely mean as none of the other invitees are family and to invite all the cousins except 1 is cruel. She so upset and hurt about it that none of hers will be going. I agree with her and can't imagine leaving out one of my sisters' children in this way.

So would IBU to pull out of the party so we can all do something nice with second sister and her children instead?

[Bearandcub]

Oh dear, you will be v firmly taking sides. Surely it would be better to talk your other sister (the guilty party who is BVU) round to inviting your DN.

[DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper]

Yes, very much what bear said.

Surely there has to be a way to resolve this - it's hardly an unresolvable Middle East-level quandary.

Why default to side-taking...?

[Phantomteadrinker]

Nope I would go either. Have a separate family thing and leave this one for her friends. How can you leave out one child . Yanbu

[Phantomteadrinker]

Wouldn't

[CocacolaMum]

1. its your nieces birthday - if she will miss you being there then you need to suck it up and go. Not fair to upset her.
   
   
2. why on earth did your sister not just say that the 10 yr old could come as a helper instead of not at all - suggest this. Its very unkind to just not invite 1 and I can see why the 10 yr olds mum would be pissed off.
   
   
3. You all need to realise that when you have a lot of kids of varying ages not all kids will be able to go to all parties, its not financially possible sometimes. Ultimately its the paying sisters choice, in our family we have an agreement whereby we will invite the kids close in age but if the parent of the older child wants them to go because they will enjoy the activity they will pay

[ShatnersBassoon]

You wouldn't achieve anything by not going. There's no point in taking sides.

I think you'll have to speak to your sister and make her rethink the invitations. Why on earth would this one cousin be excluded? He's not exactly a grown up, most 10yr olds would really enjoy a bowling party. Has he done something to piss his aunt off in the past?

[CloudsAndTrees]

Party sister is being mean, and I'd try to make her see sense about inviting the ten year old.

If she won't budge, then I wouldn't go either, and would plan something with non party sister. Your 15 and 17 year olds are free to make up their own mind whether they go or not.

[Birdsgottafly]

I think that your Neice's birthday is in danger of being ruined by this.

Unless she doesn't really get on with your children, it isn't fair to not let them take part in her celebrations. Important events cannot be re-done, once they miss her Birthday, it cannot be made up and will be remembered.

This needs sorting out, before it goes to far and before you know it, carries on until Christmas.

[sparkle12mar08]

Do your older two actually want to go to a 6yo's party to act as helpers? It's a lot of responsibility and is actually quite boring for them. They're not the hired help and your party sis needs to realise that. I think you should just take your youngest one and let the elder two have a day to themselves.

[lachrymavitis]

I would be very upset for the one cousin who hasn't been invited. That's just mean.

I would have a chat with 1st sister and explain that it isn't a very kind thing to do. She may have a limit on numbers etc but even so you can't leave just one child out.

If it doesn't get resolved maybe a way to play it would be to suggest that none of the cousins go and you all (all 3 sisters and children) get together to celebrate the birthday on another day?

Another option would be to just take your 4 year old and not the older two. You could split child care with your sister - you take the little ones to the party and she does something nice with the older two?

I'm not surprised 2nd sister is pee'd off. I would be fuming. However, I would try to prevent this becoming a family feud.

I feel sorry for the poor child whose birthday it is too

[OhNoHereWeGoAgain]

The sister having the party is a rather volatile person. I would like to be able to talk to her sensibly, adult to adult, but that won't happen in a month of Sundays. Any perceived criticism will be met with fireworks. So I either go and say nothing and don't comment on the absence of my other sister or her children; try to talk to her and end up being uninvited and cut off myself; or just don't go and leave her to silly games. (By silly games, I think she has a mean streak a mile wide and suspect that she may have left 1 out purposely to cause upset, because she has a history of being a spiteful cow.)

[sparkle12mar08]

In which case, ask your older two if they really want to go or not. If not, bung them a few quid and tell them to have a nice time in town or whatever and just take your youngest. If needs be they can make up a prior club committment or something. That way you get to go and show your face, it shouldn't cause too much ruckus with party sis, and your other sis feels a bit less slighted.

[Birdsgottafly]

There is a big difference between the adults not going and not allowing the children close in age to go.

I had a father who would throw tantrums, as a result, i am not as close to my cousins as my half sister is.

OP, is your Mum involved yet? Perhaps allow her to try to sort it out?

I agree that your two elder children can decide and possibly all go out with the 10 year old?

[Birdsgottafly]

OP, see my Dad was the same as your sister, the only person who suffered was me.

I would try to get round your Niece being aware of what is going on.

[Numberlock]

I think for the future the best thing to do is to keep the party and family celebrations separate. Party for school friends and something else with cousins.

[OhNoHereWeGoAgain]

My older 2 don't mind going as helpers, they're used to it.

[sparkle12mar08]

I'd still be inclined to ask them not to go, tbh. It's the only way I can see of keeping both party sis and other sis reasonably happy.

[Merrylegs]

I would say to bonkers sister 'lovely, but why don't you keep the bowling party to just friends. The cousins can all meet up another time.'

Or book a bowling lane at the same time for you, your 15 and 17 year old and your 10 year old dn. Other sister can take your 3 yr old and her two to the adjacent party. Your other sister is bonkers. Did I say that?

[OhNoHereWeGoAgain]

I feel really sorry for my mum Birds. She's really upset that 1 of her grandchildren has been left out too. But she knows my sister and so won't say anything because she's too scared of the fallout. It'd break her heart if she was stopped from seeing her grandchildren.

Arrgh! I hate family politics. I think we may all just come down with bubonic plague the day before instead.

[meganorks]

I think you have to say to her that you think her behaviour of leaving out 1 10 year old is unfair and why. If you say nothing you are just advocating what she has done. And if she does this sort of thing often sounds like she needs to know others don't think it is right. If this can't be done in a sensible grown up way and she ends up uninviting you then that is her problem and takes the decision out of your hands.

[OhNoHereWeGoAgain]

Indeed Merrylegs, she is bonkers. She walked out on Christmas at my mum's one year and didn't speak to mum for 6 months because my mum bought her daughter a 'completely inappropriate' Christmas present. It was pink .

[ClartyCarol]

What a bloody bitch to use a 10 year old as a pawn in her fucking games.

I honestly don't know how I'd handle this. Probably for the sake of the neice I'd go along but have words afterwards with sister and sod the consequences. I'd also arrange an outing with my other sister and her poor kid who was left out, and take the time to explain to this sister that I went to the party purely for the neice's sake, but I didn't agree with all one little shitty bit.

How awful.

[raisah]

I have neices & nephews of different ages from my own dc who are the youngest (toddler age) but I always invite them to family events. My dh has step family members whom we always invite, if they decline then thats another matter but we never leave anyone out.

Your sister did a very short sighted thing by leaving your nephew out which has caused huge upset. Can yyoypyry to reason with her? Even if she does see good sense to extend the invite the damage has already been done. She can't undo what she did and your second sister can't forget what she said and this may fester and create resentment later on. I wish people would stop to consider how their actions impact others.

[raisah]

I have neices & nephews of different ages from my own dc who are the youngest (toddler age) but I always invite them to family events. My dh has step family members whom we always invite, if they decline then thats another matter but we never leave anyone out.

Your sister did a very short sighted thing by leaving your nephew out which has caused huge upset. Can yyoypyry to reason with her? Even if she does see good sense to extend the invite the damage has already been done. She can't undo what she did and your second sister can't forget what she said and this may fester and create resentment later on. I wish people would stop to consider how their actions impact others.

[DeWe]

I don't think it's fair to leave one dc out, nor do I think it's fair to expect your older two to be helpers unless they're keen. "Used to it" isn't keen in my book.
Why don't you suggest the older ones do something together? The idea of them having a bowling lane together sounds ideal.

But I can see where she's coming from even though I don't think it's right.
Depending on the 10yo, they may be not happy, and loudly not happy at being a "helper" at that age they want to do the activity. I think my oldest would be most irritated at expecting to help at something like that when her two siblings were doing it-and she generally loves to help.
Then a 10yo is going to be better, possibly much better than the 6yo, which depending on his attitude, could end with the 6yos getting upset.

One of mine their 6yo party was changed by 2 usually lovely children who were 3 years older than the rest. I think they felt a bit superior to all these little ones, and so played up, plus the conversation, activities were a little young for them so they were a little bored. Nothing major, but it was the only time I have considered phoning parents and asking them to collect because they were spoiling it for others. They were more hard work than the other 15 children, which I hadn't forseen at all.