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To think teacher was harsh on DS?

(66 Posts)
7nth Thu 20-Jun-13 18:49:16

DS's teacher spoke to me today and said she had had to give DS an official warning for his behaviour.

DS and his best friend had been playing in the quiet area, DS's best friend had told him not to talk so loudly and DS told him not to be bossy and that if he was going to be so bossy he might not invite him to his party and that he would tell his teacher he had been bossing him around.

DS's best friend then started crying and told the teacher who came and really told DS off and gave him an official warning, which he has never had before. DS was really crying too and said he wanted his mum & dad, which has also never happened.

I feel the teacher over reacted and that it was a childish squabble, aibu?

cory Fri 21-Jun-13 12:08:08

and it may not even be self preservation but a childlike failure to put two and two together

like in my friends' ds' case: he genuinely hadn't twigged that there was some kind of causal relationship between pushing little Johnnie over several times last week and little Johnnie running away from him at lunchtime

mrsjay Fri 21-Jun-13 12:03:03

cory i was being a bit flippant when i said cunning I agree with you self preservation is a normal thing for a child to do

cory Fri 21-Jun-13 12:01:23

I don't think a child needs to be cunning or manipulative to conceal the backstory: a lot of the time it is simply that they are so taken up with the perceived injustice done to themselves that they forget about the wider picture.

Still remember a friend of mine who went storming into school to complain that her son was being shunned by the other children and that this amounted to bullying. The teacher gently pointed out that the other children's reaction might be something to do with his habit of pushing them over and knocking them down in the playground. He was a big boy and several of the other children were frightened of him. Teacher had been thinking of contacting her but she got in first.

Now I don't for a moment suppose that he was a devious and manipulative boy who had concocted this cunning plan to conceal the truth from his mother. I am quite sure he wasn't. But at the time he got upset enough to spill his worries to his mum, he was thinking about what had upset him, not about how the other children might feel.

FryOneFatManic Fri 21-Jun-13 11:53:48

DS is 9, and recently got pushed up on the traffic light system from Green to Red. He told me it was because he'd said Fuck in class. After more questioning, he admitted he'd said it again.

I told him he'd have to learn to live with his embarrassment (he was very embarrassed). I spoke with the teacher the next morning.

Turns out, the word Fuck got him moved to Amber, and apology at that point would have been enough. But he'd actually compounded the problem when told off by coming out with "I don't fucking care" hence the immediate jump to Red. Teacher and I are agreed that embarrassment at being told off in the first place is the reason he'd come out with that statement, but that the punishment still stood (loss of some playtime).

His embarrassment will reduce the chances of it happening again. Seems a new boy in class is a lot freer in using swear words than the others, and DS is easily led. he knows better now.

The point I'm making is that kids will try to minimise what happened if it puts them in a bad light. Saw it with my older DD, too, though at 13 she's more or less out of the habit now.

mrsjay Fri 21-Jun-13 11:44:31

Ime when children are not very good at providing a backstory. But that doesn't mean there can't be one.

^ ^ even little children can be cunning and leave out the best bits so it will seem he is being persecuted he maybe had several behaviour warnings

cory Fri 21-Jun-13 11:42:00

Seems you are doing the right things, OP.

But do you know for sure that there was nothing leading onto the warning? And do you know that the teacher never had sat down and explained these things?

Ime when children are not very good at providing a backstory. But that doesn't mean there can't be one.

WorraLiberty Fri 21-Jun-13 11:33:45

What is an official warning?

How do they work?

7nth Fri 21-Jun-13 11:30:28

Hi, yes I've slept on it and do think DS was wrong to speak to his friend that way and we've had a long talk about the whole thing. I do think an official warning was quite harsh and it would have been better to sit them down and explain it is unacceptable on DS's part and explain why. There was nothing leading up to the warning, if there had been I would have thought it perfectly reasonable.

Anyway, lesson learned for DS on how important it is to take care of your friends feelings.

CheeryCherry Fri 21-Jun-13 09:51:51

No OP response?

mrsjay Fri 21-Jun-13 09:46:17

oh and op he wanted his mum and dad because he was naughty and got told off I really think you have to support school on this or where will it stop every other day you will be Humphing at teachers if he is naughty and you will turn into one of those (not my precious) mothers don't be one of those

higgle Fri 21-Jun-13 09:42:20

Probably for the best in the long term. DS1 had a bit of a propensity to join in silly behaviour if all his friends did, never an instigator but started following suit when others started things. When he was still in nursery he joined in some silly splashing about of water in the hand washing area and was the only one the teacher caught ( he was still gleefully splashing water about when all the others had twigged and stopped ) I really think that the good telling off he got then shaped his attitudes later, and was a salutary lesson, even if there were a few tears.

pianodoodle Fri 21-Jun-13 09:38:46

It would be unreasonable to take this further whether you feel the teacher was harsh or not.

If you were to complain you might get confronted with a list of other behaviour that has led up to this "warning" and would feel silly.

Oblomov Fri 21-Jun-13 09:36:00

OP ?

mrsjay Fri 21-Jun-13 09:17:30

your son was mean to his friend you cant come to my party is mean I am assuming they are only little and your son sounds a wee bit bossy the teacher was probably right to punish him ,

singinggirl Fri 21-Jun-13 09:15:10

As a former teacher, it doesn't sound like a first offence. Normally you do not tell a parent every time a child is corrected, otherwise you would have a long list for every child every day, and it is just not feasible (had to be reminded to sit quietly, told to not play with another child's hair, stopped a squabble, use a quiet voice etc.) In which case the formal warning could be the one where the parent is informed after multiple similar situations in school.

arethereanyleftatall Fri 21-Jun-13 09:04:52

A childish squabble, yes, but one which was entirely your own sons fault. A teacher must nip this behaviour (your sons) in the bud, and you must support them.
The fact that you have posted suggests that you are of the opinion your son did nothing wrong, which is in fact not the case.

ExcuseTypos Fri 21-Jun-13 08:55:51

How old are they? As there's a quiet area I presume it's Infants? In that case what went on is pretty common.

I work in a year R class and almost ever day someone says 'I'm going to tell the teacher' I've also heard 'if you do/don't do that, you won't be able to come to my party/be my friend" more times than I care to remember.

You have to talk to the child and point out it isn't very nice/how do you think the other child feels etc etc. you don't give them a 'formal warning'.
If this is true, the teacher sounds as if she doesn't have much experience with young children.

DowntonTrout Fri 21-Jun-13 08:53:25

My response to this would be "well you shouldn't have been loud in the quiet area and you should not have been so mean to your friend. That is not nice behaviour."

And that is all.

soverylucky Fri 21-Jun-13 08:51:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Fri 21-Jun-13 08:47:04

I hope so, this isn't one of those threads where everyone piles in saying 'your child is the next Stewie Griffin,' I think everyone has been pretty gentle about how hard it is for DC/mum the first time they get in 'real' trouble.

IDontDoIroning Fri 21-Jun-13 08:43:37

Hm, are we going to hear back from the OP?

DoJo Fri 21-Jun-13 08:34:53

another one who thinks YABU for pretty much all the reasons above.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Fri 21-Jun-13 08:31:11

It depends what an 'official warning' means. Varying schools have different systems so I don't know how serious that is.

If it's something like 'if you do that again, you get a time out/etc' then I really think you should be focusing on stamping out that sort of manipulating behaviour in your son, that was quite a mean thing to say because his best mate told him to shoosh.

It's always hard when they first get in trouble... I cried when a friend told me DTD had bit her DS. blush I won't survive Infancy!! grin

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Fri 21-Jun-13 07:57:45

True..TRF..I hope she did.

exoticfruits Fri 21-Jun-13 07:57:20

Sorry my iPad writes of as if.

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