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to be a bit upset that DH wants almost the entirety of my paycheck?

(215 Posts)
izchaz Thu 20-Jun-13 18:27:41

This is likely to be long, so skip if you're not in the mood for an opus:

I have just started a new job after 6 agonising months of waiting for NHS Admin to get their arses into gear and get all my work-ducks in a row. In that time I have not been earning as I was deeply unhappy in my last job, so left as soon as it was confirmed I would be getting my new job (with DH's 100% blessing, he hated my old job more than I did).
When I finished my last job I didn't expect the gap between finishing one and starting the next to be longer than 6 weeks, but it became increasingly protracted as the Admin goalposts got moved time and again.
So for 6 months I have been financially dependent on DH, consequently I have been very frugal, initially living on savings, then on £150 pounds a month that he gave me to cover bills and student loan repayments. At every point in that time I have been feeling guilty and have done everything to keep costs down - I have not socialised or driven my car for 6 months, I ate 1 meal a day when DH was away at work so as to conserve food (until I found out I was pregnant) and have generally been filling my time with free or cheap productive past times.
I am expecting my first paycheck in early July and DH has just announced that I can "keep £250 of it, but I've to pay the rest to him to fill the hole in his finances before the baby comes (after xmas)" this is to go on until I go on matt leave.
Now I'm a first time mum, but from what I've seen of maternity wear etc, I'm not going to be able to cover my commute expenses, feed my ravenous appetite AND suitably clothe myself on £250 a month, not to mention cover my bills etc.
I feel I should add DH makes a little over 20k a year, he owns our house and we live a fairly sparse lifestyle, our major outgoing is his commute, which is about to halve when we move next week, whilst mine will treble to over an hour.

So AIBU to be a bit upset that my first paychecks in 6 months and my last paychecks of relative financial freedom before I become a mum are going to go back to DH? Or should I just be happy that he supported me through the last 6 months and get over "my money" "his money" and just accept that this is the way married life is?

plieadianpony Tue 25-Jun-13 20:37:51

ichaz I hope you are doing o.k and feeling a little bit better. I am actually quite shocked at the alarmist comments on here!! cloudsandtrees voice of reason and balance!!!

I can honestly say that I don't know enough about your financial situation to make a judgement. It is ridiculously strong to suggest this situation is financial abuse!!

What i do know from my own situation is this.

I (probably like you maybe?!) have been financially independent for a really long time. Pooling money with anyone has been a real struggle and I HATE being reliant on anyone! Since shortly before getting married (Have been in relationship for 9 years, married for two and a bit) me and DH mellowed. we have kind of supported each other at different points and have a joint account which we both pay into. This covers the bills. we have had different arrangements that suit us at different time depending on circumstances.

There are occasional 'flash point's around money (small tensions) when circumstances change but we iron them out.

You need to be able to speak to your DH about this. You have deprived yourself of the things you need, food and a social life!! As a person who has been utterly frugal at times I can identify with why you have chosen to do this. If this is the culture in your marriage then perhaps you need to look at changing it.

I would be a bit worried if you say you feel like you can't stand up to him. You are newly pregnant and you need stuff.

I would advise you to talk to him. If you can't talk to him (even have a good HEALTHY row!) then you have got something to worry about and this needs sorting.

The hole in his finance is a hole in the FAMILY finances. Everything changes when you get pregnant/start a family. I really hope you come back to this board and read some more optimistic perspectives.

To the people who have called OP's DH a cunt and abusive Calling him 'abusive and a cunt' is really strong and doesn't help the OP one bit. It is not really clear whether OP has decided herself whether to deprive herself. I bet she's feeling even worse having been on here.....

Emilythornesbff Tue 25-Jun-13 20:16:34

I'm a bit confused, sorry.
But it sounds as though your DH has a better grasp of your family finances than you do and he's letting you know that to stay afloat and be financially prepared for your baby(congratulations) and that you are not happy with the amount of spending money he's suggesting you're left with to cover clothes, "work food" and personal bils (like your phone).
Is this the case?
I don't understand why he did the food shopping when you were at home, or why you restricted your diet to save money.
Is this about paying him back? Or straightening your finances?
And after being so extreme in your frugal actions, it seems incongruous to now be wanting to buy lunch rather take a sandwich to work or consider a more budget conscious way of shopping for maternity clothes (eBay would be full of barely worn lovely stuff.)
So please excuse my ignorance.
But I think I can understand that after being so tight with cash when not working you might have been looking forward to having the extra money.
Is that why you were so keen not to "cost him" much? So you could keep your earnings without feeling selfish?

ICantRememberWhatSheSaid Tue 25-Jun-13 18:43:55

hmm confused. Err what? Not really sure where you are now but I hope you have really read all the posts. You have been given a lot things to think about. I didnt think that the distribution of money was the biggest problem by a long shot.

Good luck OP.

Northernlurker Tue 25-Jun-13 16:22:16

grin Sure Op - don't worry about fiddly questions like what on earth were you thinking?

KatieScarlett2833 Tue 25-Jun-13 16:20:22

Good news, glad everything is OK smile

izchaz Tue 25-Jun-13 15:27:01

Hi all, thanks for the input and apologies for my absence - very very hectic few days.
Have sat down and arranged more flexible terms for our respective paychecks - my main point in posting on here was quite literally to find out if I was being unreasonable, in which case I could re-hash what we had discussed already. There are lots of wee fiddly questions that have been asked which I feel are more for the edification of the poster who asks than for clarification, so I'm not going to in to them.
Anyway, thanks again for the input.

MummytoKatie Fri 21-Jun-13 18:34:16

I don't get it at all.

"Dh - when you are doing the shopping could you get an extra loaf of bread and some ham and cheese so I can use them to make my sandwiches."

Problem solved at a cost of maybe £5 per week.

You were ttcing right? Did it not occur to you that not eating is not the most sensible way of saving money what with your body being used to grow a baby?

And how about for the money situation now:-

We should do a spreadsheet to work out what money we have and will need. My commute is going to go up and I really really need some maternity clothes before my current jeans chop the baby's leg off."

If you can't have that discussion then there is something really really wrong with your marriage!

Northernlurker Fri 21-Jun-13 17:16:13

Yes that kind of training could be applicable but it happens all the time because people constantly need join and need it. You tend to agree a start date and book people on asap after that. Six months is a long time to wait to get all the dates and tbh bank is something that a lot of people do as well as another job rather than something you would give up a permanent role for. If that's what the OP has done (whilst she was ttc) then all I can say is that was not the best ever decision!

8thplace Fri 21-Jun-13 17:10:24

I think NHS nurse bank workers may have zero hour contacts and would probably need induction training days such as manual handling, infection control, POVA training etc.

Might also be the case for other temp contract workers like phlebotomists and HCAs.

Just a thought.

Northernlurker Fri 21-Jun-13 17:03:23

What I want to know is what on earth NHS job the OP has which wouldn't let her start a zero hours contract for 6 months whilst they arranged 'training days'. I have racked my brains and I can't work it out hmm

samandi Fri 21-Jun-13 15:24:39

How very peculiar.

What I want to know is why OP was making student loan repayments when she wasn't working.

Loa Fri 21-Jun-13 15:06:41

I don't think it's disturbing you have separate finances what I find worrying is that you can't talk to your DH about money.

God know mine can be difficult about having money conversations - zero interest in finance -but we do have them and we compromise.

If your DH wants to clear the over draft - that makes sense but the specifies of how much you and he put towards that need to be talked through - and you need to talk about the upcoming costs of the baby and what happens after.

I do wonder how much information about your finances you have given him - as you did not tell him he wasn't buying enough food as 'hid' the issue from him rather than using up what you had in and letting him 'realize' that it was being used more frequently than normal.

I'm not sure it reasonable to expect him to guesses - its takes us some adjusting that we eat more the weeks DH is around than weeks he works away.

FairPhyllis Fri 21-Jun-13 14:30:37

This is financial abuse.

If he was doing the shopping, then he knew what he was buying and he knew that it wasn't enough for you to be able to eat. Nobody is stupid enough not to realise that.

You think he "supported you" over the last few months? I'd say he barely bothered to keep you alive.

You seriously need to ring Women's Aid for help with this abusive relationship, now.

You are the first person he has 'successfully lived with'. What's that about? Why did his previous relationships break up?

JRmumma Fri 21-Jun-13 14:04:07

I dont think the info given makes it possible to determine whether OP's husband is taking all of her money as he feels that she owes him, or whether there is a sensible rationale behind leaving her £250 a month to 'spend' and the rest is going into the pot so to speak, however some of the language used by her is quite indicative that whats his is his, and whats hers is thiers.

She says 'one of our major outgoings is his commute, and we had nearly cleared his overdraft, while at the same time saying how she, not they will clear hers.

I also fail to understand how she can be financially tied up in a house that isnt also in your name? I understand living with a partner who owns a house and contributing in the sense that you dont want to live thier rent free while they have all of the financial burden, in this case I would insist on paying my way. But once you are married and start a family, these expenses become both of yours, regardless of who is earning the money, they are paid on behalf of you all as a family, out of the family's money.

Dont get me wrong, each to thier own in terms of how seperate or together a married couple's finances are, and in my own marriage (and baby on the way so about to go on MAT leave), we have sat down and looked at what comes in, and what needs to go out, allocated an amount of money per month for each of us to spend how we wish (equal, even though ill be bringing in much less) and the remainder of the money will be ours as a family. Im not saying this is the right way for everyone, but whilst I agree that how we spend our family money should be a joint decision, i couldnt bear the thought of feeling guilty for buying myself a new pair of expensive shoes if i wanted them, or resenting my DH for splashing out on something for himself that I see as unnecessary if it comes out of 'our' money. So think its important that we keep a little bit back for ourselves to do whatever we want with.

Ashoething Fri 21-Jun-13 13:16:49

I am veryconfused by this thread. Op makes no mention of dh's affair and another poster seems to suggest that this is the op's 3rd child while the op suggests it is their 1st?

Whats going on?

recall Fri 21-Jun-13 12:56:22

You should counter by charging him to carry his unborn child around in your body for 9 months !

recall Fri 21-Jun-13 12:55:55

You should counter by charging him to carry his unborn child around in your body for 9 months !

mumeeee Fri 21-Jun-13 12:53:11

I'm another one who can't get my head round this situation. My marriage doesn't work like that. DH and. I both work and our wages go into a joint account which we are both able to access when we want, We also have other separate savings accounts, I was a SAHM for a long time when my children were small so DH was supporting me and it would never have crossed his mind that I owed him money and needed to pay it back.

ICantRememberWhatSheSaid Fri 21-Jun-13 12:46:31

I don't think the OP will be back. I think the replies on this thread would make difficult reaing for her. I hope it gets her to have a good think about her situation.
She has only been with her Dh two years and he had a affair before and after they were married and she couldn't tell him she was only eating one meal a day shock
The house ownership and the money issues are more reasons that something is very wrong.
It is a very sad situation.

StuntGirl Fri 21-Jun-13 12:38:19

I agree the relationship and communication here sounds very...odd.

Why do you feel indebted to him?

Why did you feel so indebted that you felt unable to tell him you were starving yourself to save money? Did he make the same sacrifice?

If he lost his job would you count ever penny he 'owed' and work put a repayment plan for him?

If your child is born with some disability/illness resulting in one of you being unable to continue work would this 'owing money' thing continue?

When you quit your job did you, together, have a financial plan in place?

When it became obvious it was not going to be 6 weeks did you, together, work out a Plan B for your new situation?

Do you have a budget at all? How is 'his' financial situation, since everything is separate?

Oblomov Fri 21-Jun-13 12:11:38

I can't get my head round this either.
Op didn't need to tell her dh that she was only eating one meal. If the man has eyes, he would have realised this, without being told. He did the food ordering. He opens the fridge, he can see what has been eaten since... yesterday, this morning etc. Its not the krypton factor. Its kind of there, in your face.

slug Fri 21-Jun-13 11:49:33

DH and I have been through periods of unemployment, stints as SAH Parents, maternity leave etc during our 12 years of marriage. We have a little rule. The first pay in a new job after a work break does not go into the family pot. It's all theirs to do with what they want. Usually this consists of getting a haircut and new clothes/shoes for the new job. Inevitably most of the pay ends up in the family pot anyway, but it's nice after some austerity to feel back in control and flush for a short time.

munchkinmaster Fri 21-Jun-13 09:07:21

I think things haven't been very clear. The op said that the £150 and £250 were for food and bills. Later this is clarified as lunch at work, mobile and car insurance. I'm guessing the op will also be doing 3 shifts a week so not many lunches at that. I think this puts a different spin on it.

Also at times the husband is frittering the money then it is clarified he is using to pay of debt accrued.

If the husband is on 20k and takes home 1100 per month and the op used to contribute £500 toward bills mortgage and food when she worked before. If he paid the same that puts their fixed out goings at £1000 a month. So maybe they were both living on £150 per month? Without knowing how much husband was surviving on its hard to know what to think.

So now they have £2000 coming in, £1000 on basics. Maybe they each are getting £250 and £500 to pay off the debt?

I have no idea, maybe he is a controlling bastard. Maybe he is not but I don't feel we have the whole story.

Also couldn't you have got a bit of temp work in the 6 months?

It also sounds Like op has gotten a job on a healthcare assistant bank rota so may get no shifts at all. I wouldn't quit a job for that.

I think poor communication and poor planning are at the heart of this and with the best will in the world op, this needs sorting as things will not get better with a baby in the mix.

LIZS Fri 21-Jun-13 08:47:59

This whole issue is only going to become more problematic once you have the baby. Presumably a zero hours contract and having had a 6 months ' gap may rule you out of claiming much other than possibly MA. You'll get Child Benefit and maybe some Tax credits(although it will be Universal Credit by then) but will he hold on to all that too , as security against your "debt" for not earning. Why were you paying your student loan when not earning btw, I thought you had to be earning a minimum amount?

Looking from the outside in he is very controlling and I really am not sure how he is going to cope with the financial and practical ups and downs of life with a baby in the household. Can you cope with the living on eggshells and frugality this may demand to maintain the status quo. Please try to resolve this before then .

nauticant Fri 21-Jun-13 08:19:18

There's one practical reason why you have to put your foot down. This arrangement "is to go on until I go on matt leave". What are the odds that you'll clear your "debt" and when you go on maternity leave he'll have the mindset that you're building up another "debt"?

If you can't get him to accept that he should behave as a partner in your marriage, you need to be seeing a solicitor.

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