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to be a bit upset that DH wants almost the entirety of my paycheck?

(215 Posts)
izchaz Thu 20-Jun-13 18:27:41

This is likely to be long, so skip if you're not in the mood for an opus:

I have just started a new job after 6 agonising months of waiting for NHS Admin to get their arses into gear and get all my work-ducks in a row. In that time I have not been earning as I was deeply unhappy in my last job, so left as soon as it was confirmed I would be getting my new job (with DH's 100% blessing, he hated my old job more than I did).
When I finished my last job I didn't expect the gap between finishing one and starting the next to be longer than 6 weeks, but it became increasingly protracted as the Admin goalposts got moved time and again.
So for 6 months I have been financially dependent on DH, consequently I have been very frugal, initially living on savings, then on £150 pounds a month that he gave me to cover bills and student loan repayments. At every point in that time I have been feeling guilty and have done everything to keep costs down - I have not socialised or driven my car for 6 months, I ate 1 meal a day when DH was away at work so as to conserve food (until I found out I was pregnant) and have generally been filling my time with free or cheap productive past times.
I am expecting my first paycheck in early July and DH has just announced that I can "keep £250 of it, but I've to pay the rest to him to fill the hole in his finances before the baby comes (after xmas)" this is to go on until I go on matt leave.
Now I'm a first time mum, but from what I've seen of maternity wear etc, I'm not going to be able to cover my commute expenses, feed my ravenous appetite AND suitably clothe myself on £250 a month, not to mention cover my bills etc.
I feel I should add DH makes a little over 20k a year, he owns our house and we live a fairly sparse lifestyle, our major outgoing is his commute, which is about to halve when we move next week, whilst mine will treble to over an hour.

So AIBU to be a bit upset that my first paychecks in 6 months and my last paychecks of relative financial freedom before I become a mum are going to go back to DH? Or should I just be happy that he supported me through the last 6 months and get over "my money" "his money" and just accept that this is the way married life is?

hamilton75 Thu 20-Jun-13 18:52:22

YANBU Its utter crap. When you are married its joint money or at least it should be. I know one couple who kept the money apart and ending up falling out big time over whose turn it was to buy the nappies!

Tell him where to go and demand your name goes on the deeds too while you are about it - otherwise why on earth should you be contributing to a mortgage for a house that's not in your name!.

AThingInYourLife Thu 20-Jun-13 18:53:56

So he did the food shop and didn't buy enough for you to eat properly?

And now he's planning on taking so much of your wages that you won't be able to clothe yourself adequately?

That is financial abuse. No two ways about it.

Alisvolatpropiis Thu 20-Jun-13 18:54:11

OP - you have to say no and be very clear about it. It's easy to say that your husband is a cunt (maybe he is) because if this,but he could be a perfectly nice bloke with funny ideas about money.

I know that after my period of unemployment (got a temp job) my dp (who is a generally nice bloke) was annoyed that I didn't contribute it all towards the flat (which i don't own in any way) and dared spend some socialising. And on his birthday and Christmas. He was still annoyed about it. It didn't sit well and caused a great deal of resentment on my part. We're working through it now I have a permanent job. But it's like talking to a brick wall sometimes trying to make him understand he earns almost three times as much as me so I simply cannot contribute an equal amount. That I have a lot less money full stop. Lovely bloke,funny ideas about money.

ilovepowerhoop Thu 20-Jun-13 18:54:45

I dread to think how much I am 'costing' dh as I havent worked since the birth of ds (now 6)!! He sees it more as saving us paying out for childcare as we have no family here that could do it for us cheaply.

FruminousBandersnatch Thu 20-Jun-13 18:55:06

He's being utterly ridiculous. There's always financial ebb and flow within a relationship. In a few years time your DH might find himself dependent on your income.

TheYoniWayIsUp Thu 20-Jun-13 18:55:14

Right, so when you add your wages to his wages, and then take away the bills/rent/food/commuting costs, is there more than £500 spare?

If you are paying towards the mortgage then get your name on the house.

Why was he buying so little food that you didn't have enough to eat? A couple are a team you don't leave one member of the team struggling whilst you are comfortable.

What about the hole in your finances if you were living off savings?

ihearsounds Thu 20-Jun-13 18:56:10

So basically he wants to dictate how you spend most of your wages?

He can fuck right off and fuck off a lot more.

You both decide what you need for baby and you both save for it. He doesn't tell you how much you save. You discuss this like adults.

In a relationship, you support each other. Sometimes its him supporting you. Other times you support him. You know in sickness and in health. For richer and for poorer. It's not well while I am supporting you I am going to be a tight bastard and account for every penny spent while you are out of work. If this was the case I, like many sahp would be financially fucked because we would owe partners thousands.

Binkyridesagain Thu 20-Jun-13 18:56:27

This doesn't sound like a partnership to me, which I believe a marriage is. You stand by each other emotionally and financially when times are tough. Not tallying up what is owed, feeling guilt because you have 'cost him' or starving yourself because he doesn't buy enough food.

How much is he going to 'charge' you when you are on maternity leave? Are you going to have to find funds to feed your child? What are you going to sacrifice to buy new baby gros?

littlewhitebag Thu 20-Jun-13 18:57:39

Why did you not tell him to buy more food so you could have reasonable meals each day? That part blows my mind.

Tiredemma Thu 20-Jun-13 18:57:46

This thread has made me feel sad.

Bloody hell.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 20-Jun-13 18:58:04

OP - by your kind of sums I 'cost' DH about two and a half grand a month.

Why were you reliant on him for the food shop, don't you drive?

sudointellectual Thu 20-Jun-13 18:58:28

It's true that some people choose to have separate finances, but actually as the system does not support this approach, it's only a choice when both people have income. You pay taxes as individuals but you get benefits as a household, so when there's no money coming in for one person it's not much of a choice, is it? Her choices are to starve or leave. Those aren't good choices to give your wife. It's plainly abusive.

If the OP had been single and out of work she could have claimed JSA and Housing Benefit etc. It would have come to more than £150 per month. And she would still have been really skint!

BarbarianMum Thu 20-Jun-13 18:58:38

<<he could be a perfectly nice bloke with funny ideas about money. >>

If he's such a nice bloke, why couldn't the OP tell him she didn't have enough to eat?

Genuine question.

Also, how are things going to work when the baby is here?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 20-Jun-13 19:02:19

TheYoni - the OP was paying her student loan out of that plus her own bills, she doesn't say what those were. Doesn't sound like much to me.

And the £250 has to cover her commuting costs plus her food - and her commute is about to get longer due to them moving closer to her DH's work.

We are not talking a £250 a month clothing allowance here.

TeaOneSugar Thu 20-Jun-13 19:02:40

It isn't essential to have all joint money in a marriage, but you still have to work as a team and have a reasonable arrangement you both agree with.

BegoniaBampot Thu 20-Jun-13 19:03:37

Sounds like it was the Op's choice to have one meal a day and he didn't know. So no cereal/eggs/ bread for breakfast and lunch? Also, does 20k go far when supporting two people, I doubt he was off living the high life. How much does he have to spend on himself?

Alisvolatpropiis Thu 20-Jun-13 19:03:40

I did say could be because I don't know him,the OP or how their relationship functions generally speaking.

The food thing I missed on first read and is appalling. Did he deliberately not buy enough food OP?

As I said,his request should be met with a no. Absolutely not.

LucilleBluth Thu 20-Jun-13 19:03:45

Jesus, I have been a sahm for over 10 years with three DCs and I am in charge of all of DH's salary, I pay all bills and give him spending money. He would withdraw £50 for a packet of chewing gum if I let him.

littlewhitebag Thu 20-Jun-13 19:04:57

My DH and i keep our money separate (two joint accounts but i use one and he uses the other). I earn loads less than DH. If for any reason i can't meet all my costs in any month he will give me more money or i use a credit card which he pays. This is because we are a couple and pool all our resources.

olidusUrsus Thu 20-Jun-13 19:05:02

I agree with TheYoniWayIsUp, I feel like I've read a different OP.

LineRunner Thu 20-Jun-13 19:05:18

Whose savings were you living on at first when you were between jobs? Presumably yours, or joint?

izchaz Thu 20-Jun-13 19:05:30

Wow! Uhh, that's a lot of responses!

I'm paying off a student loan overpayment, although generally it would be income dependent, the overpayment has to be paid back regardless, although I've managed to lower the rate of payment.

It took 6 months for Admin to get me in because of paperwork snafus on their end and then waiting lists for training days.

Although DH hasn't had to ask for extended credit he has maxed his overdraft, which we'd very nearly cleared. I do feel responsible for that and absolutely want to help clear it (and my own) before the baby comes.

The pin money he gave me was for bills and payments, such as mobile phone, car insurance, direct debit payments, that sort of thing. My monthly treat would be about a tenner to spend on hairdye for my roots. I'm making him sound like a monster, he isn't, he just doesn't have the same priorities as me. I do think that his efforts now are to get us into a stable financial position before the baby comes, and not just to fritter away my earnings.

We're moving to be closer to his family before his mum dies of terminal cancer, so I don't begrudge the decision at all.

frustratedashell Thu 20-Jun-13 19:05:49

Perhaps you should "charge " him for carrying your child?

Mama1980 Thu 20-Jun-13 19:06:39

You 'cost' him wtf hmm
Why couldn't you say you were only eating one meal a day? Unless he is a total bastard he would have apologised and bought more stuff, how is it possible he couldn't notice if he didn't buy enough? hmm

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