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to be jealous of the gender of SILs baby!

(35 Posts)
rowtunda Thu 20-Jun-13 13:26:37

Ok I know this is absolute nonsense and don't know why I feel like this. I'm pregnant and so is SIL (4 weeks behind us) we decided not to find out sex whereas SIL has just found out that she is having a girl.

For some reason this has made me really jealous!! We both already have DS - hers will be 4 when baby born mine will be 2. They live very close to the in laws and gets tons of help, grandparents do childcare 2 days a week and loads of weekends, whereas we are 100s of miles away and don't get any support, work fulltime - generally knackered constantly with no social life .

I think I am probably reacting this way because I have a feeling that ours will be DS and that all the attention and praise will be placed on the first granddaughter. MIL is a bit overbearing when it comes to grandchildren (secretly quite pleased there is a slight distance) but we are always told how difficult it is for DIL, nephew not sleeping etc. MIL often says this, how difficult it is for them, how she doesn't know how they have coped etc and it really bloody grates because we are soo tired looking after DS and working fulltime with no help so we find it pretty tough ourselves! Anyway MIL is likely to be ecstatic re: GD and is probably a bit a thoughtless so I can see it really pissing me off - but maybe it is just pregnancy hormones.

Also maybe I wanted a DD more than I imagined - up to this point I really didn't think I cared, in fact I get a bit worried about having a DD and having all the pink crap and princess party shit thrown at me, but now I think maybe I feel this way because I want a DD more than I thought.

Maybe I'm just really daft and competitive , jealous, horrible hormonal nightmare though. At the end of the day I can't wait to have another DC whatever gender and comparing myself to SIL at this stage is just going to end badly all round isn't it.

Give me some perspective wise mn'ers.

ilovecolinfirth Fri 21-Jun-13 19:05:18

Big hugs to you. Yeah, I can imagine its exciting for the family that SIL is having daughter, but in my opinion what is more exciting is that you haven't found out what you're having. On the big day it is the most amazing feeling to meet for the first time your beautiful son or daughter and to make that announcement. I think finding out on the day what you have, regardless of its a son or daughter, is so much more amazing than everyone knowing for the past 20 weeks.

GiveMumABreak Fri 21-Jun-13 18:16:56

Jealousy is such a strong emotion that we all feel from time to time! IMO It takes a hell of a woman to admit to it (and there is half your battle won, just by admitting to yourself how you are really feeling you are on your way to managing those feelings!)

Congratulations on your impending birth! He / she will be wanted and loved and doted on by all involved!

By the way - it really DOES get easier - you're doing a great job!

CommanderShepard Fri 21-Jun-13 17:51:29

nancerama I was the same - DH's teenaged cousin had a baby 5 weeks after my EMCS and crowed about only having had gas and air and how natural it was.

I sobbed for way longer than I'd like to admit.

(Wasn't quite true anyway; she had diamorphine and ventouse)

DehydratingManiac Fri 21-Jun-13 17:25:57

Tarty, there are plenty of threads the other way round. My preference was for a boy too. smile

In our family it's the other way round. My brother has two DDs and a DSD, I had a DD and then I fell pregnant with my last child and the last grandchild (my brother's finished with babies too) and I know he felt a bit despondent about me having the only grandson. He also knew that it was unfounded really as a feeling but it was just a whole heap of things going on, complicated for him by his girls having various health issues. The simplicity of the last baby being utterly healthy and a boy to boot was difficult for my brother and I understood it completely. I don't suppose sharing your feelings with your sil would help? You'd have to be close. I talked to my brother about it all and the hidden seething disappeared and as we talked about it, it all lessened and the reality of course is that a baby is a baby, sex is largely irrelevant. Now ds is here and a couple of years old, he's not a boy, he's just X, the young and occasionally irritating one.

It's fine. You're not unreasonable really, just pregnant. They share traits I admit, but you're feeling hormonal and that'll pass. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Stillhopingstillhere Fri 21-Jun-13 17:20:00

And now I'd just love a 'next' of either gender.

Stillhopingstillhere Fri 21-Jun-13 17:18:09

I have a ds and really wanted a girl next.
However there is no next.
We are infertile.

kerala Fri 21-Jun-13 17:06:07

My sils baby boy died recently we are all so sad for her. He was her first Just wish for a healthy child for both of you

FitzgeraldProtagonist Fri 21-Jun-13 15:25:46

I think because as a woman, I believe I may relate better to a daughter. I have only boys. They are lovely, but I would so love a girl. I have had the name picked for 5 years. Of course it may be that my would be daughter is of as much of a mystery to me as I am to my mother.

Having a boy would of course be wonderful - it would be something DP would consider life completing - I would love to give him that. I would be grateful for firstly a conception and secondly a healthy child.

On the parental assistance point, it may not come at a high price but usually comes at an equally high cost in terms of keeping ones mouth shut. Also, MiL is more likely to see the day to day struggles of the nearby, living further away the daily grind is not so visible.

Good luck

BreasticlesNTesticles Fri 21-Jun-13 15:21:46

I want a boy!

Granted I didn't start the thread but...

TartyMcTart Fri 21-Jun-13 15:03:51

And how did I know this thread would be about feeling jealous that someone is having a girl. These threads are never about the jealousy of not having a boy angry

LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning Fri 21-Jun-13 14:50:24

Just be thankful you don't live closer grin

Lizzylou Fri 21-Jun-13 14:48:29

Oh Chipmonkey sad

Lizzylou Fri 21-Jun-13 14:46:23

*Look there are two possible outcomes here

1 you have a boy and a girl - yay, one of each!

2 you have two little boys - yay, a matching pair

What your SIL has has no bearing on you, your baby, your family, your happiness.

It just doesn't matter.*

What Athing said!

I have two boys two years apart and they are fantastic. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

chipmonkey Fri 21-Jun-13 14:44:52

Waiting, my mother still does that, even though I had four boys, then a little girl and then my little girl died.sad She phones me to tell me every time one of her neighbours or distant cousins has a little girl, even if they're people I don't know and am never likely to meet. I really don't know why she does it.

BreasticlesNTesticles Fri 21-Jun-13 14:42:51

I thought I really wanted a boy when we had DD2. And then I realised what I actually wanted was DD2 grin

She is a joy and her and her sister are so close.

I want DC3 and if I could pick would pick a boy, but I know that whatever person I get will be the one I always wanted if that makes sense?

You're not being unreasonable and you sound very grounded. You'll be fine!

WaitingIsWhatIDo Fri 21-Jun-13 14:35:22

Aw bless. I have two boys and I remember how awful my mum was when I found out I was having another boy. Six years later, he has been diagnosed with autism so that has shut her up a bit! Except that every time a family member is pregnant she goes on and on about if it will be a girl and then sits there watching my face intently for signs of a reaction. Not very nice really is she?!!! Don't worry, just enjoy your life and be grateful for that distance - wish I had some!

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Fri 21-Jun-13 13:36:42

Yanbu. Most women would ideally like at least one girl; it has certainly been something all my friends (even those with just boys) have been very open about. It is understandable that you feel a little bit envious that SIL is having a dd. Just don't get carried away with the feelings of envy. Your new baby will be fab and a perfect addition to your family whichever gender it is.

DreamingOfTheMaldives Fri 21-Jun-13 13:26:30

We're having a surprise too Rowtunda - for me, however wonderful the present, peeking before the big day spoils it a bit. And besides, it's quite fun listening to people be convinced I'm having a boy and then others convinced it's a girl! grin

rowtunda Thu 20-Jun-13 15:13:42

Thanks folks that was the perspective I needed. The great thing about mumsnet is you can voice feelings that I wouldn't dare admit to anyone else!

It is the hormones and I'm being daft and who cares about the MIL comments (that haven't even happened yet!).

I'm going to focus on the baby - definitely not going to have the gender scan though, as I'm one for those annoying people that likes a surprise and also whatever my feelings I know I won't be disappointed whatever when baby is in my arms - I should count myself bloody lucky!

DreamingOfTheMaldives Thu 20-Jun-13 14:30:26

Why don't you consider having a private scan so you can find out the sex of your baby - once you know, you can stop wondering and worrying about it and can just look forward to the arrival of your DS/DD.

DeWe Thu 20-Jun-13 14:06:26

babyhmummy probably has it right.

Dm used to find so frustrating when staying with her mil she was all "cousins do this/that/the other better than you". Then she talked to my aunt (both were the dil) and found that dgran was saying exactly the same grin. After that dm and daunt used to chuckle afterwards about it.

Of course there's always the possibility of being wrong, Friend was told definitely a girl, no question. He's a lovely 6yo now. grin

Tell yourself that your babies are much more georgeous anyway.

vinetime Thu 20-Jun-13 13:59:46

I can relate to this. My SIL was pregnant with her first baby when I was expecting my third! I had two DS's already and was kind of secretly hoping for a girl, much as I knew it would be lovely either way.

My SIL was a few months ahead of me, and had a girl, and in the hormonal maelstrom of pregnancy, I found this hard to deal with...particularly as my (similarly thoughtless) MIL made some silly comments surrounding it! I knew I was being irrational but found it impossible not to struggle with it a bit. Particularly as loads of people said stuff like 'oh, you must be DESPERATE for a daughter' (like a third healthy son would have been a tragedy!)

Just remember that whatever you have, it will be wonderful. My two boys adore each other, and all this gender stereotyping that goes on is ridiculous. My boys love what some might label as 'girlie' activities, while my little girl (yes, I did have a DD in the end) enjoys playing with cars and dressing up as a pirate.

Try not to let this cloud the rest of your pregnancy: two sons would be wonderful (as would a son and a daughter.) This is your family and no-one else's...don't let idiotic comments etc get you down.

MortifiedAdams Thu 20-Jun-13 13:48:57

Tbh it sounds like MIL will always be more concerned with SIL and her kids, baby girl or boy. If you think it might help, you could get a private sexing scan just to find out?

nancerama Thu 20-Jun-13 13:47:21

Of course you're being unreasonable, but you're pregnant and hormonal and you're allowed to be irrational from time to time. As long as it's not all consuming, it's fine to have a pout to yourself behind closed doors.

I gave birth to DS by EMCS. Entirely not the natural tree hugging experience I had planned for, but I made a good recovery and was overjoyed that DS had made it into the world by a method of his choosing. I wasn't prepared for the feelings of utter rage towards my lovely SIL when she had a natural birth 4 months later.

Feelings can take is by surprise. As long as you don't dwell on it, it's fine.

SHarri13 Thu 20-Jun-13 13:46:46

I so know the feelings you describe especially when I was expecting my 2nd. It's horrible to feel like this and you (general) know your being irrational but it's not something that is easily switched on and off.

I have 3 boys now and am delighted to have them but still get niggles of envy when others get their 'full set'.

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