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to be jealous of the gender of SILs baby!

(35 Posts)
rowtunda Thu 20-Jun-13 13:26:37

Ok I know this is absolute nonsense and don't know why I feel like this. I'm pregnant and so is SIL (4 weeks behind us) we decided not to find out sex whereas SIL has just found out that she is having a girl.

For some reason this has made me really jealous!! We both already have DS - hers will be 4 when baby born mine will be 2. They live very close to the in laws and gets tons of help, grandparents do childcare 2 days a week and loads of weekends, whereas we are 100s of miles away and don't get any support, work fulltime - generally knackered constantly with no social life .

I think I am probably reacting this way because I have a feeling that ours will be DS and that all the attention and praise will be placed on the first granddaughter. MIL is a bit overbearing when it comes to grandchildren (secretly quite pleased there is a slight distance) but we are always told how difficult it is for DIL, nephew not sleeping etc. MIL often says this, how difficult it is for them, how she doesn't know how they have coped etc and it really bloody grates because we are soo tired looking after DS and working fulltime with no help so we find it pretty tough ourselves! Anyway MIL is likely to be ecstatic re: GD and is probably a bit a thoughtless so I can see it really pissing me off - but maybe it is just pregnancy hormones.

Also maybe I wanted a DD more than I imagined - up to this point I really didn't think I cared, in fact I get a bit worried about having a DD and having all the pink crap and princess party shit thrown at me, but now I think maybe I feel this way because I want a DD more than I thought.

Maybe I'm just really daft and competitive , jealous, horrible hormonal nightmare though. At the end of the day I can't wait to have another DC whatever gender and comparing myself to SIL at this stage is just going to end badly all round isn't it.

Give me some perspective wise mn'ers.

SantanaLopez Thu 20-Jun-13 13:34:22

I know you know that are being a leetle U and I completely understand, but you do need a bit of a grip! It's only one of two choices, either way it is special but not the only baby boy or girl going to be born this year.


MorphandChas Thu 20-Jun-13 13:35:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

babyhmummy01 Thu 20-Jun-13 13:35:37

IME you will prob find that all your SIL hears from MIL is how rough you have it and how much she misses out on because you live so far away.

I think its probably the hormones, mine are truly screwed up and I am feeling jealous, pissed off, fed up, upset about a whole host of things that make no sense whatsoever!

imademarion Thu 20-Jun-13 13:36:44

Oh dear. And when your lovely boy arrives you'll no doubt beat yourself up for wanting a girl more!

Hormones are awful.

So is jealousy.

I imagine many people reading this will be facing the challenge of trying to have a baby at all.

That should focus your mind.

Best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy and meeting your new little man!

bumpybecky Thu 20-Jun-13 13:39:59

I know that feeling - far too hormonal and upset about something that is making you jealous, combined with the guilt of knowing that you're being irrational and unreasonable, but not being able to stop feeling it as the hormone drive you nutty...

I was pregnant with fourth (and final) baby after having 3 girls. A very good friend was 2 months ahead of me and had her baby, a girl after two boys. I was so very upset and jealous as she now had both and I was convinced #4 was another girl. We go on holiday with this family every year and I got myself very worked up about it as we were going to see them so often. All the time feeling guilty as it's horrible to be jealous and I knew I was being daft. In the end there was nothing to get worked up about, #4 was a boy anyway!

Whatever your baby is, you'll love them for them, not whether they're a girl or boy. You know that really smile

fedupofnamechanging Thu 20-Jun-13 13:41:01

I think you need to stop focussing on what your mil says/does. Her potential attitude/behaviour is being given far too much weight by you.

If you were in your sil's shoes, you probably would not enjoy living so close to MIL and having her so involved on a daily basis. Having child care from GPs comes with the massive drawback of not getting any space from them and having them part raise the dc. Not everyone is keen on that, as a concept, and you sound like it wouldn't suit you at all.

As for the sex of the baby, once it is born you will utterly love it, whatever it happens to be and won't be able to imagine having a baby other than the one you got!

Squitten Thu 20-Jun-13 13:41:16

We have two DSs and are expecting DC3 this year. SIL and BIL have one DD who is younger than our two boys. I must admit to feeling a little bit jealous when they found out they were having a girl. MIL had two sons and we had two sons so this was the first girl in the family. I thought MIL would be all over her but she isn't actually. She treats them all the same and my sons probably get that bit more attention because they are older and can do more stuff.

FWIW, I fully expected DC3 to be another boy but we just found out it's likely a girl anyway so who knows! You won't care when the baby is born smile

thebody Thu 20-Jun-13 13:42:07

I bet just writing that post made you feel better op.

Get it out girl and don't hold back but just on here!!

Bear in mind your mil might well be praising you up to your sil and saying how hard you have it! She sounds the type to play one off against the other!

You will both have much loved babies and all will be great.

AThingInYourLife Thu 20-Jun-13 13:45:06

Look there are two possible outcomes here

1 you have a boy and a girl - yay, one of each!

2 you have two little boys - yay, a matching pair

What your SIL has has no bearing on you, your baby, your family, your happiness.

It just doesn't matter.


SHarri13 Thu 20-Jun-13 13:46:46

I so know the feelings you describe especially when I was expecting my 2nd. It's horrible to feel like this and you (general) know your being irrational but it's not something that is easily switched on and off.

I have 3 boys now and am delighted to have them but still get niggles of envy when others get their 'full set'.

nancerama Thu 20-Jun-13 13:47:21

Of course you're being unreasonable, but you're pregnant and hormonal and you're allowed to be irrational from time to time. As long as it's not all consuming, it's fine to have a pout to yourself behind closed doors.

I gave birth to DS by EMCS. Entirely not the natural tree hugging experience I had planned for, but I made a good recovery and was overjoyed that DS had made it into the world by a method of his choosing. I wasn't prepared for the feelings of utter rage towards my lovely SIL when she had a natural birth 4 months later.

Feelings can take is by surprise. As long as you don't dwell on it, it's fine.

MortifiedAdams Thu 20-Jun-13 13:48:57

Tbh it sounds like MIL will always be more concerned with SIL and her kids, baby girl or boy. If you think it might help, you could get a private sexing scan just to find out?

vinetime Thu 20-Jun-13 13:59:46

I can relate to this. My SIL was pregnant with her first baby when I was expecting my third! I had two DS's already and was kind of secretly hoping for a girl, much as I knew it would be lovely either way.

My SIL was a few months ahead of me, and had a girl, and in the hormonal maelstrom of pregnancy, I found this hard to deal with...particularly as my (similarly thoughtless) MIL made some silly comments surrounding it! I knew I was being irrational but found it impossible not to struggle with it a bit. Particularly as loads of people said stuff like 'oh, you must be DESPERATE for a daughter' (like a third healthy son would have been a tragedy!)

Just remember that whatever you have, it will be wonderful. My two boys adore each other, and all this gender stereotyping that goes on is ridiculous. My boys love what some might label as 'girlie' activities, while my little girl (yes, I did have a DD in the end) enjoys playing with cars and dressing up as a pirate.

Try not to let this cloud the rest of your pregnancy: two sons would be wonderful (as would a son and a daughter.) This is your family and no-one else's...don't let idiotic comments etc get you down.

DeWe Thu 20-Jun-13 14:06:26

babyhmummy probably has it right.

Dm used to find so frustrating when staying with her mil she was all "cousins do this/that/the other better than you". Then she talked to my aunt (both were the dil) and found that dgran was saying exactly the same grin. After that dm and daunt used to chuckle afterwards about it.

Of course there's always the possibility of being wrong, Friend was told definitely a girl, no question. He's a lovely 6yo now. grin

Tell yourself that your babies are much more georgeous anyway.

DreamingOfTheMaldives Thu 20-Jun-13 14:30:26

Why don't you consider having a private scan so you can find out the sex of your baby - once you know, you can stop wondering and worrying about it and can just look forward to the arrival of your DS/DD.

rowtunda Thu 20-Jun-13 15:13:42

Thanks folks that was the perspective I needed. The great thing about mumsnet is you can voice feelings that I wouldn't dare admit to anyone else!

It is the hormones and I'm being daft and who cares about the MIL comments (that haven't even happened yet!).

I'm going to focus on the baby - definitely not going to have the gender scan though, as I'm one for those annoying people that likes a surprise and also whatever my feelings I know I won't be disappointed whatever when baby is in my arms - I should count myself bloody lucky!

DreamingOfTheMaldives Fri 21-Jun-13 13:26:30

We're having a surprise too Rowtunda - for me, however wonderful the present, peeking before the big day spoils it a bit. And besides, it's quite fun listening to people be convinced I'm having a boy and then others convinced it's a girl! grin

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Fri 21-Jun-13 13:36:42

Yanbu. Most women would ideally like at least one girl; it has certainly been something all my friends (even those with just boys) have been very open about. It is understandable that you feel a little bit envious that SIL is having a dd. Just don't get carried away with the feelings of envy. Your new baby will be fab and a perfect addition to your family whichever gender it is.

WaitingIsWhatIDo Fri 21-Jun-13 14:35:22

Aw bless. I have two boys and I remember how awful my mum was when I found out I was having another boy. Six years later, he has been diagnosed with autism so that has shut her up a bit! Except that every time a family member is pregnant she goes on and on about if it will be a girl and then sits there watching my face intently for signs of a reaction. Not very nice really is she?!!! Don't worry, just enjoy your life and be grateful for that distance - wish I had some!

BreasticlesNTesticles Fri 21-Jun-13 14:42:51

I thought I really wanted a boy when we had DD2. And then I realised what I actually wanted was DD2 grin

She is a joy and her and her sister are so close.

I want DC3 and if I could pick would pick a boy, but I know that whatever person I get will be the one I always wanted if that makes sense?

You're not being unreasonable and you sound very grounded. You'll be fine!

chipmonkey Fri 21-Jun-13 14:44:52

Waiting, my mother still does that, even though I had four boys, then a little girl and then my little girl died.sad She phones me to tell me every time one of her neighbours or distant cousins has a little girl, even if they're people I don't know and am never likely to meet. I really don't know why she does it.

Lizzylou Fri 21-Jun-13 14:46:23

*Look there are two possible outcomes here

1 you have a boy and a girl - yay, one of each!

2 you have two little boys - yay, a matching pair

What your SIL has has no bearing on you, your baby, your family, your happiness.

It just doesn't matter.*

What Athing said!

I have two boys two years apart and they are fantastic. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

Lizzylou Fri 21-Jun-13 14:48:29

Oh Chipmonkey sad

LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning Fri 21-Jun-13 14:50:24

Just be thankful you don't live closer grin

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