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School report aibu to punish him? WWYD

(221 Posts)
Meloncholymum Tue 18-Jun-13 13:19:48


My son has just received an appalling report for his end of year. Basically he hasn't reached his target grades in nearly all subjects and his class work and prep is 'unsatisfactory'. DH is furious and I am disappointed - he is exceptionally bright but clearly not doing the right things to achieve.

He is a full time boarder and comes home some Weekends and holidays - which we thought was the right thing - but I am beginning to question the decision.He is in year 7

DH is threatening to take his beloved xbox and birthday present away and to make him work all the summer break.

WWYD - is it unreasonable to punish him or is this report just a reflection of him adapting to big school?

Eyesunderarock Tue 18-Jun-13 13:22:02

Does he like being at boarding school?
Why is he there?
What is the school's explanations for the grades?
What have they done to help him study?

squeakytoy Tue 18-Jun-13 13:22:09

maybe he needs more parental guidance and supervision..

WilsonFrickett Tue 18-Jun-13 13:23:31

Maybe the work is too hard for him?
Maybe he is having problems settling at big school?
Maybe he is being bullied or having other social problems?
Maybe he is lonely and unhappy and wants to leave so is deliberately failing?
Maybe he's just got the fright of his life and will knuckle down next year?
Maybe he's - ahem - not exceptionally bright, simply average?
Maybe his predicted grades were too high?

But maybe punishing him will be easier than sitting down and working out the answers to some of these questions?

DeepRedBetty Tue 18-Jun-13 13:23:34

Well I wouldn't have sent him FT boarding at 11. ~And I'd expect my school to have talked to me before the end of the first year if my child was making a pig's ear of things.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip Tue 18-Jun-13 13:23:38

Depends! Of that's his genuine level and he's worked hard but is just struggling then no that's not his fault and ywbu to punish him.

If he's been deliberately lazy then yes.

BeauNidle Tue 18-Jun-13 13:23:50

Is this his first year boarding.

No I would not punsh.
Discuss it with him. Find out why it is going wrong. Is there something worrying him, or upsetting him.
I hate it when I read that parents go full on to punish without finding out the facts first.

RoooneyMara Tue 18-Jun-13 13:23:54

Sounds harsher than necessary tbh

Poor kid

Helpyourself Tue 18-Jun-13 13:24:02

I'd be looking for another school.
How exactly are you supposed to have an effect on his class work and prep if he's not at home. Is this the first report you've had? I'd be livid.

5Foot5 Tue 18-Jun-13 13:24:16

I think you need to talk to him about it first before wading in with the big guns. Can you discuss this with his form teacher or equivalent? I don't know how boarding school's work so I don't know if there is an equivalent to a Parent's Evening but there must surely be somebody you can take your concerns to.

Is he disappointed with his report or doesn't he seem to care?

It could be he has been lazy and silly in which case perhaps some holiday work to catch up would be in order. And a serious conversation.

But maybe he is having trouble adjusting or succumbing to peer pressure or something.

Basically I think you need to know more before you just react.

ImperialBlether Tue 18-Jun-13 13:24:30

That poor boy, that's all I can say. Even if he wanted to go to boarding school, even if he begged to go, how do you know he's happy there? He has potential and he's not living up to it so ask yourself why, rather than punishing him.

Your husband sounds like a bully, tbh.

pudcat Tue 18-Jun-13 13:25:24

Is he homesick? Is he being bullied? Are school's expectations too high? Is he really suited to boarding school? Does he miss his primary school friends? I would be asking myself all these questions before even thinking of punishing him.

diplodocus Tue 18-Jun-13 13:26:05

So you're saying he's a full boarder at 11, and you're not sure if he should come home "some weekends!? How would that help at all?
If he's been a hard worker up until now surely your priority should be finding out what the problem is, not punishing him? What does he say? Is he happy at school? Is he homesick? Bullied? Angry with you for sending him away? Being "exceptionally bright" does not always mean you have the social skills to cope with such major change at 11.

squeakytoy Tue 18-Jun-13 13:26:12

I can just imagine a husband ranting about all the wasted money.. while an 11 year old boy is missing being at home with his parents..

ImperialBlether Tue 18-Jun-13 13:26:12

I'm surprised that this is the first you've heard about his grades. I thought schools kept in touch with parents to tell them if they were slipping, either by phone, email or during parents' evening. Surely his school does that?

ParadiseChick Tue 18-Jun-13 13:26:21

Oh dear. Surely the school should be keeping you up to date and contracting you about any issues?

Why is he boarding? Does he like it?

youbethemummylion Tue 18-Jun-13 13:26:32

I would find out what was going on before punishing him.

I would also be questioning if the school is doing enough for him. Presumably if he is boarding and no one has mentioned this to you before then the school have failed in their job to encourage him to improve.

lottieandmia Tue 18-Jun-13 13:26:47

I don't think punishing him is going to resolve anything.

I would first of all want to find out whether he is generally unhappy about something - he's only 11. Could bullying be an issue?

If you want him to do better positive reinforcement will get better results than punitive measures imho. So you could give him an incentive to work for.

Eyesunderarock Tue 18-Jun-13 13:29:05

Didn't the school give some indication of problems before the shock of his end of year report?
How supportive have you been of him over the year?
How involved does he feel you are? What are his reasons for not having lived up to your expectations of him?

BeauNidle Tue 18-Jun-13 13:29:07

Oh and by the way, my ds's also go to a fee paying school (they don't board) but I take no notice of the target grades. I just look at the effort they have put in. If yours is similar there will be effort grades, and that is enough for me.
Speak to him, and find out what is going wrong.

IWipeArses Tue 18-Jun-13 13:29:58

This is a wind up surely?

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 18-Jun-13 13:32:48

Why on earth would you punish someone for a lack of attainment?

diplodocus Tue 18-Jun-13 13:32:48

I wondered that IWipe

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 18-Jun-13 13:33:14

Sorry meant achievement?

JakeBullet Tue 18-Jun-13 13:33:37

He is 11 and boarding full time.

I would be asking how he is coping with missing home etc before punishing him.

I'd also ask the school why this is the first you had heard if him struggling.

More than anything I would be talking to your DS though. He needs his Mum and Dad's support and not their wrath.

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