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To be disappointed in my dp re Nigella Lawson?

(92 Posts)
GirlWiththeLionHeart Sun 16-Jun-13 20:25:06

I told my dp about what happened to Nigella Lawson via email and said how horrible and abusive her husband is and he should be arrested.

My dp's response:

'But without knowing why he grabbed her by the throat how can you judge? It is terrible but if she did something terrible for him to grab her? What if she told him she had been having an affair?'

'I'm sure they didn't sit down, order food then all of a sudden he reaches over and grabs her by the throat, if he did that's awful, but what if she really pissed him off?

'Violence is a terrible thing but sometimes it is warranted, regardless of who it comes from'

confused confused sad

I was pretty speechless tbh and still hours later I feel really upset. Of course I said you NEVER put your hands on someone, no matter what they say or do. I'm just shocked he thinks like this.


LifeofPo Sun 16-Jun-13 20:25:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GemmaTeller Sun 16-Jun-13 20:28:02

Your DH is def BU.

I told my DH and he was shocked, he said there is no excuse ever to behave like that.

Shame on Charles Sacchi

CaptainKirksNipples Sun 16-Jun-13 20:28:10

He is being unreasonable. And a bit cuntish.

Northernlurker Sun 16-Jun-13 20:28:29

No you're not being unreasonable. If I were you I think I would be saying again that his view is unacceptable and if he ever lays a finger on you - 'provoked' or not then you will ask him to leave. Violence is a terrible thing. That's the end of the sentence.

Salmotrutta Sun 16-Jun-13 20:28:48

Your DPs response speaks volumes about him.

How on earth can violence ever be "warranted"?? hmm

diddl Sun 16-Jun-13 20:30:16

Sometimes violence is warranted?

Bloody hell!

Madamecastafiore Sun 16-Jun-13 20:30:20

DH said he would have intervened. He was shocked that no one did and said it made him feel extremely sad!

That us what I would expect from anyone.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Sun 16-Jun-13 20:31:04

It's made me a bit worried tbh sad

I said, so if I said something you didnt like is it ok to strangle me? He said 'No. There should be no violence regardless of where it takes place. But there will be times when people feel the need to react and to say they're wrong without knowing why they did it is unwise'

ParadiseChick Sun 16-Jun-13 20:31:09

Gosh I had no idea this has happened.

He is being unreasonable.

ImperialBlether Sun 16-Jun-13 20:31:33

LifeOfPo is right. Sorry, OP, but your husband is an idiot.

carabos Sun 16-Jun-13 20:31:49

Dh's response was "didn't anyone try to stop him?".

GirlWiththeLionHeart Sun 16-Jun-13 20:32:20

Me too madame

We are polar opposites here and it's made me really upset.

My brother tried to make me feel better by saying people don't always agree on things. But to me, this is a pretty big thing.

SirBoobAlot Sun 16-Jun-13 20:32:41

Honestly? I would no longer feel safe with someone who has basically just said that one day, you might do something when he feels it's okay to wrap his hands around your throat.

Panzee Sun 16-Jun-13 20:33:12

My dad who is a dinosaur in many ways declared that Saatchi needed "a kicking" for that behaviour. I thought he was ace for saying that. (Yes I know it's violence but like I said my dad can be a dinosaur grin )

pumpkinsweetie Sun 16-Jun-13 20:35:39

Jeez red flags would be flying if my dh said what yours has.
No-one should be grabbed by the throat for any reason!!!

WeleaseWodger Sun 16-Jun-13 20:36:48

I'd just as casually add that if it were you, would call the police on anyone who tried that - including your father or your husband - and would feel no guilt for the criminal record, possible loss of job etc fallout in his life. Make him aware where your line in the sand is.

raisah Sun 16-Jun-13 20:38:39

unfortunately your dps virws are q common, people of all age ranges do think that dv is acceptable if provoked. If Charles Scaatchi had attempted to strangle anybody else, people would have.intervened & called the police but they didnt because it was his wife. Regardless of the relationship between the two people involved, a criminal act took place & should be treated as such.

ArthurCucumber Sun 16-Jun-13 20:40:46

Christ, that is actually scary. He has basically said that if a woman - you, for example, told your dp that (let's say) you wanted to end the relationship, he might consider that to be a "terrible thing". And if a woman tells her husband a "terrible thing", then violence against her is "warranted".

iklboo Sun 16-Jun-13 20:43:58

Ah, yes. The 'she asked for it' defence. Up there with 'it's her own fault, she was winding me up'. hmm

PrettyKitty1986 Sun 16-Jun-13 20:44:28

Tbh the first paragraph I completely agree with.

God knows what would happen if everyone was judged on one snapshot of their lives. Violence is not acceptable but nor are many things. And mitigating circumstances can exist.

dreamingbohemian Sun 16-Jun-13 20:44:53

How long have you been with him?

I would also see this as a pretty big red flag tbh.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Sun 16-Jun-13 20:48:04

To be honest I'm not surprised. Thinking about it, he was brought up by a abusive and mentally ill mother who he had physical fights with up until his twenties. She would provoke him very badly where he would have to restrain her.
His father wasn't around that much. I guess it's had a lasting effect. I'm not making excuses as I'm really upset but can see reasons why he thinks like this.
He also said why is it ok for women to hit men but not the other way? I said domestic or any violence is never ok.

Nobody taught him these things I guess sad

BaconKetchup Sun 16-Jun-13 20:49:30

This reminds me of a while ago when I made a reference in passing to Chris Brown and how awfully he behaved and my friend (young, female) replied 'well you don't know both sides or the whole story, maybe she was being a bitch or something'

Attitudes like this are more common than we would hope sad


GirlWiththeLionHeart Sun 16-Jun-13 20:49:36

PrettyKitty I agreed with him up until the word judge in the first paragraph.

Been together 4 years and have a ds

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