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To be annoyed at DP

(42 Posts)
Clarerayner Sun 16-Jun-13 19:46:30

DP has youngish children who live a couple of hours away. Meant to be staying at mine over the weekend. We make journey there and back to pick up and drop off. Ex has just informed him that he needs to pick up at 6.45 am as she's working. Note that he was only told now because he rang about some other matter so when we would have found this out is anyone's guess.

What gets me irate is the way he accepts anything she says, it's like she says jump and he says how high. I was going to accompany him there but now he has to leave work early that day as in 6am to get there. There's no way I can go and I'm annoyed that all our plans for the weekend have to changed now. I'm even more annoyed by him not being annoyed himself. AIBU?

Crinkle77 Mon 17-Jun-13 18:44:51

Would it not be better for your husband to get the children the night before or is that out of the question. If they live a 2 hour drive away and he has to pick them up at 6.45 he would need to leave the house at 4.45 and be up about 4. That's ridiculous!

PenelopePortrait Mon 17-Jun-13 07:13:12

clouds well there are plenty of women who would have us believe that they stay with controlling bastards because they want "everyone" to be happy, so why shouldn't that apply to men.

There are men around who try to make the best of a poor relationship, just like there are some women.

And I believe that DH'sX would like nothing better than to cuts trouble between DH and I, so I wouldn't give her the satisfaction. No matter what her unreasonable demands were, I me my counsel but fumed silently.

pianodoodle Sun 16-Jun-13 23:12:17

You can't force him to see what you "see" - you want to change his perspective of the mother of his children for no reason that will benefit anyone but yourself.

pianodoodle Sun 16-Jun-13 23:05:59

I'm sorry but... Do people actually believe/assume that their dps only stayed with their exes, got married and had children with them, (despite them being such controlling old bags) because they are just such nice guys and just want everyone to be happy?!

Are you sure? Lol

squeakytoy Sun 16-Jun-13 22:51:29

you are just assuming that though.. you say he talks to her daily

Clarerayner Sun 16-Jun-13 22:49:40

Again I will say we only had a weeks notice because he rang about a different matter if he hadn't then we probably would only have had a day as in previous times.

I an not a "spoilt child" simply because I have feelings and emotions. I don't make demands or try to control matters and I have said several times on this post that I do NOT want them to fall out

squeakytoy Sun 16-Jun-13 22:45:41

you have a weeks notice.. how much more do you need??

helenthemadex Sun 16-Jun-13 22:38:41

Im not sure how she is messing him about, she told him about the change in plenty of time, she has to work, its not like she is off on a jolly somewhere. She is working to support herself and his children. I dont see how this affects you or the plans you have made, he is the one travelling to collect them early, if they are tired still they will sleep in the car.

He sounds like a good man and most importantly a good father, he doing the right thing by his children, so instead of moaning like a spoilt child because he chooses to put his 'youngish' children as a priority perhaps you need to recognise what a good man you have supporting the mother of his children, because sadly many don't.

This is part and parcel of life with a man who has children, their needs should come first

Clarerayner Sun 16-Jun-13 22:32:01

CLOUDS yes I can see what your saying. Thing is I don't want him to have a bad relationship with her as that would just make life more difficult for everyone concerned especially the children. I only want him to see what I see sometimes and not give the impression she is some kind of saint. We will talk it through after a bit of a row and sort it out, we usually do

CloudsAndTrees Sun 16-Jun-13 22:26:55

Having a rant is obviously fine! If that's all it is, then go for it. smile

I just think it's a bit off to want someone to complain and get annoyed about their children's other parent, especially if that other parent hasn't done anything wrong.

I probably get unreasonably annoyed threads like this though because my ex's DP doesn't like the fact that my ex and I have a good relationship where we help each other out, and I honestly can't see her problem.

maddening Sun 16-Jun-13 22:21:04

maybe he needs to handle it differently - so 4 days before contact he calls specifically to arrange pick up.

then if pick up is really early due to her work he can suggest he picks up night before so dc don't have to get up early etc.

it sounds like he needs to work on his communication a bit.

Clarerayner Sun 16-Jun-13 22:18:14

Here here Penelope absolutely spot on again. DP is just trying to keep everyone happy which is a good trait but yes I do get pissed off now and again and need to have a rant

Clarerayner Sun 16-Jun-13 22:14:26

Yes he's a good person but even good people recognise and occasionally have a little moan about someone who messes with or isnt clear about arrangements. Work times hadn't been altered they were known about a while ago but he was only told because he rang about another matter

PenelopePortrait Sun 16-Jun-13 22:12:04

You are right when you say it says more about him being a good person. My DH is a lovely man and just wants everyone to be happy, presumably that's the reason he stayed with the selfish, controlling old bag for so long.

But the OP is just sounding off, because some of us aren't quite so selfless and feel a bit pissed off now and again. We get it off our chests on here and then carry on. smile

CloudsAndTrees Sun 16-Jun-13 22:05:54

Understanding your POV is not the same as him complaining about her. YANBU to want understanding, but YABU if you expect his understanding to mean that he agrees with you.

I expect there are other things his ex has done in the past that have frustrated you, but in the instance you have posted about, it doesn't sound like she has done much wrong to me.

She could have told him she needed to work a different time sooner, but if you are talking about next weekend, (its not clear from the OP) then she has given him a weeks notice. And it's only a change of pick up time, it's not like she's changed days.

How much notice did she give about it?

It doesn't sound to me lie she's being awkward for the sake of being awkward. It sounds like her work time has changed and she is reasonably expecting her co parent to look after his children a little bit earlier than planned. If they speak to each other frequently then they probably have quite a good parenting relationship. That's a good thing, and it says more about your DP being a good person than complaining about his ex would say.

Clarerayner Sun 16-Jun-13 21:58:51

Thank you Penelope couldn't have put it better myself x

PenelopePortrait Sun 16-Jun-13 21:55:59

Well I understand OP completely. It wouldn't change DP's actions but it would 'help' (I can't think of a better word) OP for him to acknowledge that X's behavior is unreasonable. Bloody frustrating when you both know she's being awkward for no other reason than being awkward.

Never mind OP, the children will eventually suss out who is being unreasonable.

Clarerayner Sun 16-Jun-13 21:54:21

CLOUDS yes of course I would be less pissed off if my DP showed some understanding of my point of view, who wouldn't be I'm only human. I'm not expecting a showdown between them, but everybody likes to feel understood

Clarerayner Sun 16-Jun-13 21:48:02

I can't explain the times further suffice to say its taken for granted that its ok with us without ant communication

EleanorHandbasket Sun 16-Jun-13 21:43:18

I don't understand the times at all....

CloudsAndTrees Sun 16-Jun-13 21:40:11

it's illogical because she implies she would be less pissed off if her DP complained to his ex, or at least complained about her behind her back. She is saying that it would be less of a problem if two people that currently don't have a problem, do have a problem. That's illogical.

I used the word baddie because that's what the OP says she feels like when she complains.

Clarerayner Sun 16-Jun-13 21:37:43

He is reliable for his kids and flexible and that's fine. All I'm doing is letting off a bit of steam due to the frustration

PenelopePortrait Sun 16-Jun-13 21:28:32

clouds why is the OP being illogical and the baddie? She hasn't done or said anything. Wonder when the X was going to tell OP's DP that arrangements had changed? Telepathy? Now that strikes me as illogical.

CloudsAndTrees Sun 16-Jun-13 21:07:42

Sorry, I've made an assumption there that its two children, and I could well be wrong!

pianodoodle Sun 16-Jun-13 21:03:54

Probably best not to involve yourself with how they arrange things to do with their children.

Although you've been with your dp a good while, managing the kids between them is still their job, and if he isn't complaining about how she does things, your input may feel like interfering - even if you do feel a bit put out now and then.

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