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AIBU to not want to contribute for this present?

(26 Posts)
CrapBag Sat 15-Jun-13 13:02:59

Ok, I'm not completely asking if IABU because I don't really think I am but would like some advice all the same. smile

A friend (I say friend for ease but I guess we are more aquaintances) is moving away soon. A while ago a mutual friend mentioned that she was going to throw a BBQ before she goes and that this 'friend' was going to invite me as well. I haven't seen her for a while. Now it was being discussed this week and it turns out the BBQ is next week, all the other people in our group have been invited and I have heard nothing. I am assuming now that I am not to be invited.

I guess I am a little miffed as I have actually known her the longest. Apart from 1 in the group who has been an actual friend to her over the last few years, this person who is moving away hasn't really made an effort with any of us. She always gets invited to stuff and either just doesn't come or doesn't reply. We only see her at toddler group but as I haven't been for a few months, I haven't seen much of her and the odd text from me has never been replied to. She doesn't see any in the group apart from 1 outside of the toddler group. My point is you wouldn't really call her a 'proper' friend to any of us except 1. We were in the beginning (5 years ago) but as she always knew she would move away 1 day, its like she has always kept a distance.

Now the 1 she is friends with is arranging to get her a leaving present and wants to know if I want to chip in with the cost. I am actually skint at the moment but because she has invited everyone except me to her BBQ, I don't see why I should contribute towards a present for her. How can I say this without coming across as petty?

RenterNomad Tue 18-Jun-13 12:45:31

If you're at your mum's, presumably you will be hosting, so don't need to make small talk while things are prepared/served. Any approach by her, and you can offer to piss off to get her a drink; then spot someone else who needs tea: no need to be trapped by her! The same technique can work for heading off enquiries about making a contribution!

Fakebook Tue 18-Jun-13 11:44:46

Wow. How did you manage to do that twice? Did you just forget? That's a lot of bad luck!

CrapBag Tue 18-Jun-13 10:26:31

"I am not enough of a friend to be invited to the farewell party apparently, so I wont embarrass people by contributing to the gift."

I like!!! Thank you. Answer all ready. Then I'll forget it by this evening. grin

missnevermind Tue 18-Jun-13 10:25:06

I also have a feeling this evening is going to be the time when our mutual friend asks me about chipping in (I don't know if she is aware that I haven't been invited,

Be plain with her.
I am not enough of a friend to be invited to the farewell party apparently, so I wont embarrass people by contributing to the gift. (grin)

CrapBag Tue 18-Jun-13 10:21:38

"The trick with stuff like this is to be comfortable with silence and not feel you have to jump in and say something if she doesn't."

Ha ha, something I definitely need practice with. If there is a silence, I feel the need to fill it with some waffling crap. grin

Fakebook why? grin Accumulation of 12 points, in 1 go! 2 lots of failing to identify the driver. I was unaware that this carries a penalty of 6 points and I got 2 in one go so automatic ban. After 13 years of a perfect driving record. sad

LadyClariceCannockMonty Tue 18-Jun-13 10:21:17

I'd just thank her but say I already had plans for BBQ night. The unspoken message is that, as you've been asked so close to the date of the BBQ, of course you have plans already.

But honestly, this all sounds like a storm in a teacup.

Snazzywaitingforsummer Tue 18-Jun-13 10:20:10

I'd also go to the toddler group to force her to invite you! I reckon she has said 'if she comes today I'll ask her, hoping that you won't (probably knowing that you wouldn't like the idea of a 'pity' invitation) but then it will be back down to you: 'Oh, I was all set to invite CrapBag but then she didn't show up'. Go on, make her have to honour her word grin You can always say 'Oh, thanks, I'll have to check what else I'm doing then but I'll get back to you' wink

Snazzywaitingforsummer Tue 18-Jun-13 10:17:58

If 'chipping in' woman asks for contribution tonight, then I think you can combine the 'not that close' reply with the truth and say 'Well, I don't think I will because we haven't seen much of one another lately and for whatever reason I haven't been invited to the barbecue, so evidently we are not as close as I once thought we were'.

If non-invite woman is there tonight, aim for polite but cool. I don't think you have to be chatty. Respond if she says anything to you but don't bother trying to engage her in conversation. The trick with stuff like this is to be comfortable with silence and not feel you have to jump in and say something if she doesn't. Just keep your cool smile

Fakebook Tue 18-Jun-13 10:11:51

Just say you're not going as you have other plans. What a fuss over nothing.

Can I ask why you got a driving ban? grin

CrapBag Tue 18-Jun-13 10:09:06

I did think that actually, but I wonder if I would then look petty in front of all my friends. I don't want them to think I am a bit of a wanker (although I guess I can be at times grin).

WildlingPrincess Tue 18-Jun-13 10:07:45

I'd go to group just to turn down her invitation grin

CrapBag Tue 18-Jun-13 10:04:09

Had a bit of an update.

Saw one of my friends yesterday who said "I hear you have heard about the BBQ". I asked if I wasn't suppose to know about it. She said no but I hadn't been invited because the person giving it hadn't seen me recently so she was only inviting the people she had seen recently. I have been seeing her almost every week for 5 years but haven't been to the toddler group for 5 months, the first 3 due to a driving ban blush and its far from my house (she does know this). Every event I have organised I have always included her in even though she doesn't reply or doesn't come. I don't see her from one month to the next sometimes but still included her as it didn't seem fair to invite the whole group but leave her out. Obviously she doesn't think the same way.

Anyway, my friend yesterday told me that if I go to toddler group today, I am going to be invited because this woman will have seen me. hmm I was there last week and I saw her and spoke to her the week before at a party and no mention of the BBQ then. I feel like going now is like I am 'begging' for an invite, when if she was that bothered, she would have invited me in the first place. I actually don't want to go now if this is how it is as it will feel like a 'oh I feel I should invite CrapBag because she clearly knows about it now and all our friends will be there and have been talking about it to her' Clearly someone has said something to her for her to say that she will invite me today if I am at toddler group.

I am not going to group so that won't be a problem but this evening a group of us are meeting at my mums house to have the photo taken (my dad is into photography and has a small studio set up in the house). BBQ woman may be coming as well. I am actually going to feel very awkward seeing her in my mums house knowing that she actually isn't bothered about me but I am going to have to be all chatty etc when I don't particularly want to be. I also have a feeling this evening is going to be the time when our mutual friend asks me about chipping in (I don't know if she is aware that I haven't been invited, given that the others have been told I would be when it was discussed earlier on, the same friend as yesterday told me ages ago).

Advice for what I can say tonight? I am a bit of a social hand grenade at times because I don't say things tactfully. grin

RenterNomad Sat 15-Jun-13 21:38:18

It's telling that only one person will miss her! I had a very uncollegiate colleague like that. The boss organised his leaving drinks, with three-line whip for attendance, so those of us who hated him most went and bought our own drinks and didn't talk to the leaver, who was smugly having his back slapped by the boss.

Despite the boss's intervention, I dodged his present contribution and wrote just "good luck" in his card (and didn't specify good luck to whom! grin)

Without a boss-level intervention, it's even easier to dodge a round of leaving celebrations.

sleeplessbunny Sat 15-Jun-13 19:42:44

Just say no, it doesn't doesn't sound like you'll particularly miss this friend.
But don't say you'll contribute and when you know you won't: that'll just make someone out of pocket which is not fair on them, especially if they don't realise you haven't been invited to the BBQ.

LadyClariceCannockMonty Sat 15-Jun-13 19:40:12

I like 'No thanks, we're not that close.' too.

CrapBag Sat 15-Jun-13 19:37:11

I could imagine their faces if I actually said piss off!!! grin

I actually do like "no thanks, we're not that close" seeing as when I am likely to be asked is when the others who I was with and mentioned the date of BBQ are going to be there as well and they know I am not invited so it will make me sound a bit knobbish if I say I'll give it to my friend at the BBQ. grin Still do like that answer though.

I don't get why the others are bothering either tbh. She isn't exactly friends with any of them yet they have always included her. Another (very good) friend is also moving away and we are getting a proper photo done and framed of all of us. Unfortunately I am the only person who thinks BBQ friend shouldn't be in the photo, everyone else thinks she should be, even though we are not likely to ever see or hear from her again.

YouStayClassySanDiego Sat 15-Jun-13 17:20:21

Don't contribute, you yourself described yourselves as being acquaintances more than friends.

expatinscotland Sat 15-Jun-13 17:11:59

YANBU. Doesn't sound like you're close anyway, why give her anything? Sounds like the UK is well-rid. I wouldn't contribute. Just say, 'No.'

just say piss off no! grin

ZillionChocolate Sat 15-Jun-13 16:24:14

No thanks, we're not that close.

CrapBag Sat 15-Jun-13 14:59:11

They think I have been invited, because the whole group have been. There wasn't formal invitations, she could have just texted me but she hasn't.

When my friends yesterday were talking about a certain date and they couldn't remember what was on that date, one of them said "that's x BBQ" I just looked up and said "is it, I haven't been invited then" cue uncomfortable silence!

Wheresthepopcornagain Sat 15-Jun-13 14:45:06

Love it eyescrossed. Although do you think perhaps they think you have been invited and some one has messed up giving you an invitation?

CrapBag Sat 15-Jun-13 13:57:58

grin that's good actually. If it comes up again, I'll say that. If I have the nerve.

EyesCrossedLegsAkimbo Sat 15-Jun-13 13:06:14

"Oh yes I'd love to chip in, I'll give you the cash at the BBQ".

That should do it.

And no YANBU.

Amber76 Sat 15-Jun-13 13:05:42

Don't contribute to group gift - say to your friend that you will give her something personal from you when you see her. And seeing as you won't be seeing her...

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