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Engagement ring

(174 Posts)
wannabeawallaby Fri 14-Jun-13 22:58:32

DP just isn't interested in shopping for an 'engagement' ring. I suggested we go shopping together and he let out a huge sigh. Obvious he's not interested. I never insist he comes shopping if I'm buying clothes and stuff. He hates it so I wouldn't put him through it! I hate browsing in computer shops with him so I don't do that either.

We won't be announcing an engagement, we've just agreed to get married (which we'll likely do on our own for minimal cost in a registry office) but I'd love a nice ring and he's up for that but just not the shopping for it bit. I haven't had a romantic proposal (that's fine) and we won't be doing any of that other stuff. Am I being unreasonable in thinking DP could at least fake interest in us buying a ring together? Choosing and going to buy one on my own just feels shit!

But I think I might be acting like a spoilt princess.

He also isn't that interested in having a getting married celebration party (ie drinks in the pub with some friends) which I'd really like but that's a whole other AIBU...

So AIBU thinking the ring should be a joint thing?

HollyBerryBush Sun 16-Jun-13 07:37:44

OP, how will you feel when he refuses to shop for your baby's first cot? Carseat? Little clothes? Or refuses to participate in other sentimental moments?

You people seriously take your DH shopping to buy things like that?

Jesus wept, I don't even take mine out when I change the family car.

Are you are the sort of people who leave bemused partners clogging up the aisles in supermarkets? Admit it. grin

Dolallytats Sun 16-Jun-13 08:21:32

I went engagement ring and wedding ring shopping with my mum and sisters!! My husband hates shopping, isn't very confident in his choices and would have hated to buy something I didn't absolutely love (also my mum worked in the jewellers at the time so we got a massive discount!!).

I didn't mind at all. Nor did I mind when he asked me to help him pick his wedding ring because he doesn't wear jewellery and didn't have a clue what he was doing!!

Stixswhichtwizzle Sun 16-Jun-13 08:30:40

I went a picked out my engagement ring whilst my DH was at work then he came and paid for it. Maybe that'd work? We just did it that way because at the time he worked long hours and I didn't want to wait blush

PrincessOfChina Sun 16-Jun-13 08:39:21

We had already decided to get married, but DP and I went shopping yesterday and chose I ring together. It's perfect.

He did then get all romantic on me and proposed in the street on one knee and we both sobbed. Fortunately we were in the Jewellery Quarter in Birmingham so most passers by thought it was perfectly normal!

DP was very nervous - neither if us were sure what we were doing. Perhaps that's what your DP is worried about.

Bunbaker Sun 16-Jun-13 10:04:45

"OP, how will you feel when he refuses to shop for your baby's first cot? Carseat? Little clothes? Or refuses to participate in other sentimental moments?"

It didn't occur to me to take OH shopping with me for baby stuff. He just isn't interested. I can't believe that many men are interested in buying baby clothes.

NotYouNaanBread Sun 16-Jun-13 10:32:05

Ignore the "rules" & tell your fiancé what would be important to you.

FWIW, I not alone paid for my own ring, but I went shopping for it with my Mum. The (gay) antiques dealer thought that this was a brilliant arrangement, and that the whole process was wasted on straight men anyway. smile

If your fiancé is against all of the celebratory aspects of the wedding though, why are you getting married?

cuillereasoupe Sun 16-Jun-13 10:40:50

I get the feeling that OP doesn't want her DP to come with her so much as she wants him to want the ring as much as she does. Which, given that she admits she's changed her mind under marketing pressure, is pretty unreasonable.

Mind you I'd find proper traditional ring shopping pretty painful myself - all that arse-licking to get you to spend more than you can afford. FWIW I scoped out several rings I liked from online designers on Etsy, sent DP the links, and he picked one out. Luckily he got the vintage one I really wanted grin. Painless all round.

wannabeawallaby Sun 16-Jun-13 10:50:17

NotYou - because a marriage isn't about the wedding!

scottishmummy Sun 16-Jun-13 12:35:24

some of big up every inane shop as significant and having deep meaning
shop for first cot?actually we looked online,click and collect it was no big deal
I don't define my life by consumerism or not the sum of what I purchase

daftdame Sun 16-Jun-13 12:39:26

Why not compromise, you do the initial window shopping, and he comes with you for purchase?

Explain, since it is an investment, he should be there for the purchase. One shop, which contains the ring is not much to ask for. Afterwards you can do something he likes.

Kiwiinkits Sun 16-Jun-13 15:53:35

Okay, okay I didn't say I dragged Dh along to shop for cots and baby clothes. Far from it, we got most of those things handed down to us and i am very unsentimental about those things. I guess i chose bad examples to illustrate my (clearly not obvious) point. Which is that to some people certain firsts and 'moments' hold meanings way above their practical purpose. Shopping for a ring could fall into that category. Maybe it does for the OP. It really sounds like the OP is feeling a bit gypped out of any of the traditional wedding experiences and is scratching around for something, anything, that would make her feel like her DP is giving a little bit of romance. Affirmation through shopping is a poor substitute, but I totally get the OP's need for it given the complete lack of other wedding enthusiasm from her partner.

DangerousBeanz Sun 16-Jun-13 16:02:45

If you know your ring size why not choose one together on line, or find one you like show it to him, say " What about this one the?" then get him to pay for it. Then go out for a nice meal together another time where he can slip it on your finger over a nice glass of bubbly. Or Even a nice meal and bubbly at home.
I can see why you'd want him to come ring shopping, but there are other ways.

Lovethesea Sun 16-Jun-13 19:56:37

DH didn't want to go shopping but it turned out he was terrified of how much I'd want to spend on an engagement ring. But as I was getting a wedding band and don't wear much jewellry I wanted to save our money for essentials (rent etc!).

Got a ring I love, unusual shape and suits me, £30. Wedding band is platinum (in sale ;-) )

Didn't think I'd wear the engagement ring after the wedding but I do. It sits happily above my band and I still love it. I would just worry about an expensive diamond, I would hate having to stress about it being stolen or scratching someone/thing with it!

Vijac Sun 16-Jun-13 20:01:26

Yanbu. He should want to take you shopping for an engagement ring. Maybe you could include shopping for both of your wedding rings too to draw him in. Make a day of it and go for a lovely lunch after, it should be a romantic day planning spending the rest of your life together!

JackReacher Sun 16-Jun-13 20:19:59

Get a price he's / your both happy to spend... (Remember you won't remember or really care about hundreds of flowers or how good the food was or even the photos I mean really 10yrs later who actually looks at more than say 10photos of their big day on a regular basis) BUT the ring will still be with you and have gone UP in value to boot!
.... Then go to a jewellers try a few on and find two you like ask them to save them for a few days and tell your other half to go and choose one of the two you have saved... On his own... From a mans point of view he's not being dragged around hundreds of shops and from your point of view you get a surprise.

scottishmummy Tue 18-Jun-13 21:25:27

I've never had an interest in shopping for rings,there's no should about it
there seems to be assumption if her dp doesn't gush about ring=that he not interested
and therefore relationship fatally flawed?maybe he's not that into buying rings

marriedinwhiteagain Wed 19-Jun-13 03:41:49

Lying in bed awake and thinking about this thread I remembered something DH did not come ring shopping or cot shopping or really any other shopping for that matter. All fine with me. He did however, register the births of all our dc (and sadly the dead of one little baby). He did all that on his own and I was happy for him to go on his own, trusting him entirely to do it. No way did I feel like shlepping to the town hall on any occasion with a nursing baby, a pram, a struggle with the car seat, etc.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Wed 19-Jun-13 04:44:59

If an 18 year old lad can 'get it' then really other fully grown adults should be able to - it's not that difficult. You sometimes do things, that are important to those you love, to make them happy.

scottishmummy are you being deliberately obtuse? It doesn't make your POV any more valid simply repeating it you know.

It Is Not About The Ring.

I feel an 'I AM CANADIAN' moment coming on.

prissyenglisharriviste Wed 19-Jun-13 04:59:14

I went ring shopping on my own, bought it, got it sized, collected it, took it in the box to him next time we were together ( he was living overseas t the time) so the first time he saw it was when he put it on me.

I've been wearing it for 15 years (actually not quite true - I fell down the stairs and my finger swelled up so badly I took it off and put it 'somewhere safe' and the couldn't remember where for 12 mos) and have no intention of taking it off.

I think it's kinda funny that the op has been swept up in the whole weddingtastic thing, when it really wasn't her scene at all, whereas the dh to be is just resolutely carrying on as always. It's really the op that has changed the goalposts, here. grin I guess he didn't realise what a monster would be created when they agreed to get married wink

All this engagement stuff is very Clinton cards, yup.

If it helps, dh told me I could spend a shedload. I actually fell in love with an old second hand thing that was cheap as chips, but have lost count of the number of people that have commented on how lovely it is out of the blue. I'm quite proud of the wee bargain I found when I went out hunting on my own. grin dh was happy if I was happy. Job done. (And he was faintly relieved I hadn't gone for the full on diamond platinum solitaire boulder wink.

I don't think it occurred to either of us to develop any angst that we didn't ring shop together... And it hasn't affected our marriage in any way at all, honest.

scottishmummy Wed 19-Jun-13 06:48:36

for as long as people wring hands why won't he go buy ring i'll assert ring not significant
no it's not about the all.purchase of ring:associated behaviour is a societal expectation
if overall everything else is ok don't sweat it about clintons card sentimentality

Bunbaker Wed 19-Jun-13 09:05:10

I agree with scottishmummy

wannabeawallaby Wed 19-Jun-13 14:57:14

I think I had a lot of PMT when I started this thread! grin Turns out I should have just talked more with DP. Prissy had a point - was worried he'd think I'd turned into a bridezilla. ANwy we now have a budget for a ring and we are starting to think about dates and a party. Have just started another thread about it if anyone has any ideas If it all gets a bit much I might dump the party idea!

TheDoctrineOfAllan Wed 19-Jun-13 18:30:50

Good stuff wannabe!

prissyenglisharriviste Thu 20-Jun-13 01:16:55

Fab. Hope you find a ring you love, and enjoy your celebration. It won't matter two hoots whether you find the ring on your own, or not, honest. Have a lovely party!

<and get thee some oil of evening primrose wink>

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