To not join in with the work place calorie fest...

[BridgetBidet]

I've returned to work fairly recently after maternity leave. I put a lot of weight on when I was pregnant, I've lost a couple of stones and still have a couple to go so I am dieting and exercising. I'm still officially classed as being somewhat overweight so I am trying to do this for health reasons rather than out of vanity.

Anyway, a woman started work in my department and she is MASSIVE, really unhealthily obese. But she's also a feeder, big style. The other girls in the department have noticeably put on weight since she started and the girl who sits next to her - in the space of my maternity leave she has gone from a size 8 to a size 18.

All this seems to be happening because the big girl is determined to feed everybody up and make them as big as her. They go out every single day (and I mean every day) to eat fast food at lunch time and every day she is pushing cakes, crisps, donuts and biscuits on you.

This is all well and good and it's their business what they eat and how much they weigh. But the problem is I don't want to do this. I don't want to eat fast food every day and I don't want to spend all day every day stuffing my face with biscuit and cake. Now this wouldn't be a problem but the big girl is getting really nasty about this and taking it as a personal snub, to the extent that my boss has told me she has complained to her that I am not working as one of the team and am removing myself from the teams group by refusing to take part in the lunches out etc. I don't mind going once a week but the last time I did this they wouldn't really talk to me because they seemed to take the attitude that if I wasn't good enough for them the rest of the week then they didn't want me there on one day. They seem to be equating my refusal to pig out with snobbery and thinking that I'm better than them but I really don't care what they do, I just prefer to be healthier.

The big girl in particular seems to be getting really angry about this, she really seems to have a mission to feed everybody up, I think it makes her feel better about her own weight to have other people around her be fat and having someone lose weight reminds her of her own shortcomings and frustrates her.

So am IBU, am I alienating myself from the team for the sake of something that's not worth it, should I just join in? Or am I right not to join in with the pigging out and stand my ground even though it's making my life uncomfortable. I feel like I can't tackle her direct about this as acknowledging the fact that she is big would be hurtful and make me look like a cow.

[ElvisJesusAndCocaCola]

That all sounds dreadful. Poor you. It's hard enough losing weight. You are DNBU but I have no advice about how to deal with this, sorry.

[cortado]

I hope you spelled this out to your boss. Of course you are not unreasonable not to stuff your face with crap. Your body is your responsibility.

[ShatnersBassoon]

How long have you been on maternity leave? Just wondering how quickly your colleague gained 5 dress sizes.

[Buzzardbird]

She is bullying you and yet it is her reporting you?

She is not making you look like a cow, she is making herself look like one. The other staff need to grow a bloody spine.

Report her to HR for bullying.

[phantomnamechanger]

YANBU eating out everyday is not affordable for many and if it is all junk food not good for the health of the staff team either! Your boss has no business getting involved with policing lunchtime social activities!

If I were you I would politely decline lunches with an excuse about saving the pennies, or preferring to eat main meal with DH/family in the evenings, but would occasionally join in with the donuts, or bring cakes in on your birthday or something. Don't be too stand-offish, it WILL look like you are being snooty.

[Buzzardbird]

Oh, and well done for the 2 stones you have lost. Still trying to get rid of mine 6 years after baby and I don't have anyone bullying me into cakes etc (don't like them anyway)

[BridgetBidet]

A year, and I've been back a couple of months. She has got that big that quickly because believe me this is a SERIOUS amount of eating going on.

[ShatnersBassoon]

Ooph, that's shocking.

Is there nobody else in the office who sees the problem? Surely some of the blokes are teasing those that don't stop gorging themselves.

[ivanapoo]

That's messed up.

Can you go out with them more often but not eat, and have your own lunch back at your desk? That way she can't accuse you of being anti social if asked by the boss.

Just say you don't like or can't afford the food she tries to push on you.

[round1000]

My OH has the same problem at his work, they constantly just eat rubbish and encourage him to join in, he just says no every time. At my work everyone eats really healthily so I constantly am being given fruit! Could you just explain to her, or lie and say you have stomach problems so can't eat junk food.

[DisappointedHorse]

YANBU, there's no way I would join in with that either. Eating too much just makes me feel ill and tired.

The problem is, weight gain often makes people feel bad about themselves and can make people feel very defensive. Getting your other colleagues on side could be tricky, they may not want to face up to things yet. Something has to trip in your head before you feel ready to lose the weight and it can be really hard to resist if it's right in front of you.

Are there really no other colleagues not joining in? How many of you are there?

[Latara]

YANBU, I'm on a diet and got 2 stone to go; everyone knows i'm on a diet (it's obvious cos of my weight loss so far) but it seems that family and colleagues try to sabotage my efforts (whether intentionally or not).

So i can sympathise with you, well done on your weight loss so far. Hope you can stand up to this behaviour - no-one should be calling you a snob for not eating junk!

[ChippingInWiredOnCoffee]

Whatever.

How about you read your own post and have a look at your own shortcomings.

[ThePinkOcelot]

Are you a big eater Chipping?! A tad on the defensive there!

[cortado]

Chipping might be the 'big girl' in question...

[Happiestinwellybobs]

It was the same in our office, but thankfully we as a fairly small team recognised it, and are now all helping each other to lose weight or keep the weight off - with only the occasional pack of biscuits thrown in.

A really difficult one - have you tried to explain to the wider group why you are avoiding the lunches. Without blaming the 'feeder' you could explain that you are trying to lose weight and hope they don't mind you not coming al

[Happiestinwellybobs]

Sorry - meant to say "coming along"

[WorraLiberty]

I genuinely can't see how someone can go from a size 8 to a size 18 in a year, just because they work with someone who likes to give them food.

Doesn't make sense.

[spondulix]

What an unhealthy (in so many ways) environment. I don't know what to suggest, really. The 'saving my pennies' idea is a good one but it's not tackling the issue is it?

Did your boss take the complaint seriously? You can't really expect someone to go out every day for lunch to foster 'team spirit', once a week is fine!

[FiftyshadesofYoni]

Chipping, shortcomings? Wtf, really, just because op doesn't wany to be fat and unhealthy.

Me thinks only a weight challenged person would question the ops reasons.

[SvetlanaKirilenko]

Surely it's up to each individual what they eat - she may "feed" them as you put it but they don't have to eat it. If a colleague has put weight on that could be for any number of reasons.

Just take your own sandwiches to work and tell them that what with childcare to pay for etc. you are having to count the pennies. You could go with them now and again for lunch and just have something small - a portion of chips now and again won't make you put weight on.

If she is bullying you that needs to be dealt with.

[SvetlanaKirilenko]

Oh and YANBU to not join in, I wouldn't.

[PeppaFuckingPig]

She's bullying you?
And I thought fat people were supposed to be 'jolly'...

[MardyBra]

YABU to call her the "big girl" seeing as she is an adult.

With regards to your OP, on the face of it, you are not unreasonable. Nobody should be bullied into eating stuff they don't want.

However, some of your language is very negative, for example: "she is MASSIVE, really unhealthily obese". And you also seem to think that she is on a mission to feed everyone, whereas she might just be wanting to be sociable.

When you say that

"They seem to be equating my refusal to pig out with snobbery and thinking that I'm better than them but I really don't care what they do, I just prefer to be healthier"

it sounds to me as if you are being quite judgemental about their activities.