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to want my 10year old to sign her name with our surname rather than her fathers'

(41 Posts)
AnnaTT Fri 14-Jun-13 09:54:35

My daughter's name is christian name, middle name, my surname, her father's surname. Eg: Ella Sophia Brown Jones. He left at birth but sees her regularly. Ella and I are known by my name: Brown. She is registered with school, dentist, medical, clubs, everything as all three names.

Now that she is applying for an 11 year old Oyster card, she signed it as on her birth certificate, with both surnames. This is for the first time.

I object. I want her signature to read as does her name on the card. Partly because I want her to get back to me should she get lost. But also, I admit, because she is a Brown and I have ostensibly brought her up - done all the work. Of course I am hurt.

Of course I cant force her pen. But What do others think?

LunaticFringe Tue 18-Jun-13 09:36:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl Tue 18-Jun-13 09:25:51

Of course she made it clear, by using Eg ESBJ!

Pennyacrossthehall Tue 18-Jun-13 09:12:46

Thanks quoteunquote.

I couldn't understand why people felt the need to report the thread when the OP used her own name(s), especially as they are among the most common names imaginable.

(I get the point of the replies about someone's name being central to their identity.)

quoteunquote Mon 17-Jun-13 23:24:19

you don't use other people real names unless you have permission, is the usual protocol,

The OP hadn't made it clear in that she had made up a name,

No matter what the history, children like their own full given name, as they feel it a big part of their identity, they have to really hurt to give it up voluntarily.

Pennyacrossthehall Mon 17-Jun-13 22:27:57

Could someone explain the excitement about names (and reporting the use of them) on this thread? Is there some protocol that I am not aware of?


HerrenaHarridan Mon 17-Jun-13 21:52:56

While I sympathise with you op, yabu.

Redbindy Mon 17-Jun-13 20:22:19

RedHelenB: a mane might be given at birth, hair today gone tomorrow. This is a serious thread so please stop horsing around. Otherwise it will only encourage the neigh sayers.

CloudsAndTrees Mon 17-Jun-13 20:18:46

If her name is on the card in print, then it will make no difference to her getting lost or found if her signature is different. Presumably she capable of saying the names of both of her parents if she's old enough to be on public transport alone?

It's her name, you have to let her use it whichever way she wants. And it's not as if she doesn't have her other parent, you said she sees her Dad regularly so I expect she loves her Dad as much as any little girl does.

RedHelenB Mon 17-Jun-13 20:06:18

The name on her birth certificate should be the one she uses so YABU. A mane is given at birth, not earned in any way. HTH!

NatashaBee Mon 17-Jun-13 20:00:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wellthatsdoneit Mon 17-Jun-13 19:54:30

It's part of her identity and you meddle with that at your peril.

I have sympathy with you. I never took my stbxh's surname although my children have it and ever since he ran off with someone else I no longer feel like taking it. However, what's in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet.

Floggingmolly Mon 17-Jun-13 18:24:25

You want her to get back to you should she get lost. hmm
And you think she might be so confused regarding her name that there's a possibility she'd be returned elsewhere instead?
She can sign her name any way she chooses.

AnnaTT Mon 17-Jun-13 16:11:34

Aliases were used. Thanks for comments. I will swallow and let it go. Yes its her right to use the names she wants. Live to struggle with more challenging self assertion.But thanks for empathy!

Snorbs Fri 14-Jun-13 13:32:50

She is signing it with her surname which you chose to make double-barrelled. It is part of her identity. Grow up.

Flobbadobs Fri 14-Jun-13 11:19:11

She would legally have to use her registered name on things like her oyster card though wouldn't she? My DH uses his middle name as a first name for most things including medical but for other things like travel docs and legal matters he uses his real name as is written on his birth certificate. (Which confuses people no end...)
Would she have had to submit her birth cert in order to get her oyster card? (I only ask as we had to send a copy of DS's for his Igo card)

WorraLiberty Fri 14-Jun-13 11:17:46

I'm confused.

From what you've said, she's not a Brown....she's a Brown Jones. Just because you've decided she's a Brown, doesn't make it so.

And if she gets lost, I'm sure she'll remember her own address confused

wankerchief Fri 14-Jun-13 11:11:48

Its up to her. She should choose

CrowsLanding Fri 14-Jun-13 10:51:33

I think it is wrong you are trying to take half of your Dds heritage and identity from her.

It seems to me you have tried your best to not allow her fathers name to appear on anything by registering school, docs etc using your surname only. Now your dd is old enough to decide for herself.

When you registered your dd at birth you chose to give her both names and those names are going to be there on her birth cerificate for the rest of her life.

Also everything official will have to be in the name that appears on her birth certificate, passport, bank account.

Bearbehind Fri 14-Jun-13 10:46:29

I know juney I thought it was an illustration, it's not until I read follys post I realised what appears to have happened.

I thought the third name was another alias which is what confused me further.

BarbarianMum Fri 14-Jun-13 10:41:34

I think you have to let her choose. I know 3 young people named on a similar principle to your dd (ie both surnames) and they have all dropped one. My dsis was a bit upset when dn did this but he just wants to sign his name/fill in forms quickly.

cory Fri 14-Jun-13 10:40:15

The problem is that she is 10. Her surname is no longer just the name of her father: it is her name, part of her identity. Otherwise you might as well argue that it isn't your ex's surname either but some distant ancestor's of his. And that your name isn't yours either. She is a person in her own right, just as much as you are.

post Fri 14-Jun-13 10:37:03

You say 'of course I'm hurt', but why 'of course'? You don't have to feel hurt. have a look at what, specifically it means to you that she uses her (own, legal) surname, and Seidel if its worth making both of you upset. Are you 'being hurt' to try to make her make a different choice? That way lies unhappiness for both of you, I fear, if that's how you're going to make your relationship with her.

juneybean Fri 14-Jun-13 10:31:09

And now you've repeated it Bearbehind

Trills Fri 14-Jun-13 10:30:05

You are being unreasonable, yes.

I don't think she has to use her full surname on anything, but she should be allowed to choose to do so.

From your title it sounds like you are saying that she is using her father's surname instead of yours, which is not true, she is using both.

sparechange Fri 14-Jun-13 10:29:26

Narky, she's accidentally used her real surname by the looks of it...

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