To alter DH's blood test request form so he gets a sodding testosterone check(35 Posts)
Slightly flippant title, I probably won't (mainly cos I don't know the medical shorthand for a testosterone test). But I am so frustrated!
DH has always had a lower libido than me, but for the last 2 years or so it's got worse. If I didn't initiate we might never have sex. As it is, I can persuade him maybe every one or two weeks. He seems to enjoy it when we do have sex, and doesn't have any erection problems. He never talks about sex unless I practically hold him hostage and force him to and it's obvious it makes him very uncomfortable - he's pretty repressed when not actively having sex. I have tried talking, and bought a Tracy Cox book which had some good advice in it, but he won't read it. He always promises things will change, that we'll do it 'soon', that it's just that he's tired/too fat/got indigestion/got to get up early/feels sick. He did once tell me that I should just accept that he just wants to do it less often than me and I need to get used to it. Which I did do to an extent, but it really makes me feel crap when he turns me down and doesn't initiate anything. He is lovely and affectionate in every other way possible. We have teenage DCs who are always around etc but there are always opportunities to go to bed when he's not tired and they're not around but he just won't most of the time, he says 'later' and then when later comes another excuse has come up, usually being too tired. He definitely does not use porn and is not having an affair.
I read about the effects of low testosterone on a man's libido over a year ago and pleaded with him to go to the doctor to ask for a test. He refused, and said that it was just because he was overweight and he would soon go on a diet and everything would be better. Well, he has now lost two stone but nothing has changed, in fact it seems a bit worse. He is always tired and falling asleep too - and he works much shorter hours than he used to.
A few months ago he was at the dr for a separate issue and I begged him to ask for a testosterone check and mention his libido. He came back and said he hadn't asked because there was a trainee with the doctor. I was so cross.
Yesterday he went to the dr with something else and again, I insisted that he mention his tiredness and low libido and request a testosterone test. I was so pleased when he came back with a blood test request form! But then he said that when he asked for the test, the dr had said 'we don't usually do that' and had told him he needed testing for thyroid problems etc first. I looked at the request form and there is nothing about bastard testosterone on it. He's being tested for thyroid levels, TATT (which I googled and stands for 'tired all the time') and his cholesterol, along with a full blood count.
I am fuming and so frustrated with his doctor. It took a lot for my DH to bring up the issue and I feel he's been fobbed off. Would it hurt for him to just be given the bloody test when he's having a blood test anyway?
On top of which I've read a problem in You magazine today where a lady bemoans her partner's low libido, and guess what, the reply advises he asks his doctor for a testosterone test. AAARGH!
Private tests are about £50 - go together and ask gp for a referral for a private test.
my OH could have written this about me.
fwiw, I feel awful about how it makes him feel when I turn him down. I genuinely wish I could muster energy and enthusiasm for a healthy sex life. I truly do.
Are you doing your fair share of housework/cooking/childcare?
Is your DH getting an equal amount of leisure time as you?
Are you showing him love and affection without putting pressure on him that this will lead to sex?
I truly sympathise . I've been in a similar situation and it caused us to split up. I loved him but he would not sort out his erectile dysfunction or please me in other ways. He promised he would but they were empty promises. I'm now with someone who is wonderful and good in bed. Lucky me!
Thankyou for all your replies. Farewell it sounds like we are in the same boat!
Yes he snores, but he doesn't stop breathing like in sleep apnoea, I've had the same thought myself.
SodaStreamy yes, this is very true, I have always needed constant reassurance that I am wanted and desired. This must be irritating, I know. When we have sex I feel so happy and relaxed for a day or two and then I'm back to the same again, looking for reassurance! My DH often says 'You're never satisfied' when I ask for sex a day or so after we've had it, and I hate that.
ARealDame you raise some interesting points, which I will think more on. As for having a lover, I don't want to have sex with anyone but DH. And he wouldn't want me to at all. Confession time; I did have a short fling, about 10 years ago, which DH found out about and I then ended, and our subsequent 'hysterical bonding' was weirdly one of the best times in my marriage as DH wanted sex all the time, talked about sex, and was really attentive. I wish I could have that time back again now, without all the pain and guilt of course! It was even better than the early days of our relationship. Sadly, things gradually went back to how they were before - even though he promised they wouldn't.
He's a man in his forties, low testosterone has a huge correlation with all sorts of poor health, getting it checked is not a bad idea quite apart from his libido.
Getting it checked is not a bad idea.
He never talks about sex unless I practically hold him hostage and force him to and it's obvious it makes him very uncomfortable.
Perhaps you may have to accept his lower sex drive, but the above makes me think it may be more his psychological make up - and also that he is being a bit unfair too. After all they are your needs, and he is ignoring/refusing to look at the issue.
Have you been able to separate out any of the issues, i.e. is it your sex drive, your need for affection, your need to feel attractive to your partner? I don't know if that would help.
If you are the one who has to initiate sex all the time, I think that must be an issue. Would your husband agree to you having a lover, or is that just too weird an idea ?
Random question but does your DH snore? You mentioned he is overweight or has been?
Gosh what a post!
I'd be more concerned regarding fatigue and falling asleep and other medical causes and if my partner was well rather than my own needs.
Your right if the post were reversed you would be flamed.
Could you perhaps be looking for confirmation to prove he still finds you attractive in light of the MS?
Your DH does need to discuss his low libido with his GP - it is an important symptom & will help the GP make the correct diagnosis.
He should also have his ferritin levels checked as it could be caused by iron overload - this causes lethargy, loss of libido, muscle aching & various other problems but is sadly often missed by docs.
I can understand why you feel frustrated, and probably more stressed than usual, given your MS and fears for the future. Wait for the results of these tests and stop stereotyping !!
I sympathise. My husband has always had a lower libido than me. I did the whole rant thing 17 years ago then married him anyway (because I love him) and have slowly come to terms with it. It's hard and I really really feel for you. I pushed and pushed him to go to the doctor and he wouldn't. In the end I decided I'd rather be with him and not have swinging off the chandeliers sex every night than not. We 'plan' nights when it might happen. It's the only way as he would never initiate anything. Is there any way you could do the same? You could suggest that maybe next Friday (or whenever) might be a good time and see what happens. I would literally never have sex if we didn't plan at least a week in advance. It means I don't get turned down (which used to be heartbreaking) as we both know it's on the cards. Like you, it's great sex when it happens so I don't understand why he doesn't want it every night!
Anyway, I hope something changes. I think sometimes that some men just aren't that into it and their womenfolk just have to lump it.
Lol. I take all your comments on board. I've thought the same about if our genders were reversed Umicar, and you're right, if I was a man acting the way I do I would be flamed here! I have been known to sulk, guilt trip him and remind him of how long it's been since we last had sex. I know this is wrong, and I try not to do it. But when I totally backed off and stopped initiating for a time nothing changed anyway. I do sound intense, I am, but I'm not really that way with DH. That's probably why I sound so intense here, because it's bottled up inside me a lot.
He's lost weight because he's been on a diet, and I am not worried about his heath otherwise. I'm pretty sure he's not depressed, although he is under a bit of stress because he's the only one who can drive and he's always giving the kids lifts, picking up shopping etc. I am moderately disabled with MS but he assures me this isn't why he doesn't want to do it, but I suppose a combination of these things could make him not feel like having sex.
But at the same time I think, I'm the one who's ill and I want to have sex much more than him and don't keep falling asleep on the sofa, and this makes me cross again. Lol I realise I sound like a furious nympho. But it's like the roles are reversed and I am the one with the male libido and attitude and he is the sensitive woman who is affected by outside influences, whether we've rowed etc, while I can treat sex separately IYSWIM.
I hate the thought that one day I may be too disabled to have sex anymore, or he will be older and have erectile dysfunction, and we've wasted all the best years of our sex life.
Jeez, let your doctor run the tests - there can be many, many, many causes of low libido which don't relate to testosterone.
Cross posted with everyone... sorry I didn't refresh after bringing it up the first time, unanswered.
Personally I think you are being a bit pushy - you are ignoring a doctor's advice on the back of a problem page answer, and potentially side-stepping tests that may highlight something more concerning than low testosterone.
I think when the other tests come back clear is when you and/or your husband should start asking for the testosterone to be checked. And given what the doctor said, be prepared to be rejected on grounds of it being non-essential. It's not upsetting your DH, beyond him having you on his back a lot, so isn't really having any negative secondary health effects (unless you want to elaborate). You could argue that identifying and treating would ultimately be about satisfying your desires.
Thyroid is probably far more likely than testosterone deficiency so it makes sense to rule out the more common problems first. It also sounds as though there may be a psychological side to this too in as much as he is capable of sex and enjoys it but thinks of reasons why not to (I wonder if he feels under pressure? )
The GP has the advantage of years of medical training rather than just reading magazines
I think once a week/fortnight isn't bad going, and you sound like you are bullying him a bit.
I am not a doctor, but I know enough to guess that they'd check for thyroid, anaemia and think about depression first
Your Doctor would not be able to discuss any aspect of your husbands treatment/investigations without his permission.
I am sure you are very frustrated, but imagine if your post had been written by a man about his wife. I wouldn't like to be pressured into blood tests by my partner.
Could he be depressed?
If he is tired all the time and has lost weight I expect they will be checking for diabetes as well. Diabetes can affect libido.
op please don't tamper with his form. you come across a tad obsessed with his testosterone levels. low libido can have many causes and many of those causes are not physical.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.