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To be annoyed at my SIL??

(289 Posts)
Sarah2506 Thu 13-Jun-13 16:06:23

I had a baby last week, by c section. DH and I have had no visitors apart from the midwife and my mum for an hour while still in hospital. DHs mum wants to visit but is 2.5 hours away by public transport. We said not yet, to give me a chance to recover and also get the hang of feeding her. I don't feel comfortable having her travel all that way as I will feel mean asking her to leave after a short while- we are in a flat so there is little space.

DH received a text from his sister saying that we had upset his mum and she shouldn't have to make an appointment to see her granddaughter. She says we are being unreasonable and life is too short to wait another couple of weeks.

I'm tired, emotional, sore and sensitive and just don't want people I'm not normally comfortable around in my space- we don't get on that well. AIBU in just saying no for a little while longer? SIL knows that my mum has visited and said that evidences my willingness to have visits but that I am just being picky about who. That's kind of true- I'm a lot more comfortable with my own mother and even then she's only been for an hour!

I wasn't feeling particularly low but do now- feel I'm being emotionally blackmailed. AIBU??

Wheresthepopcornagain Sat 15-Jun-13 14:18:46

It's your choice but if I let one grandparent see baby and not the other, it would look like I am playing favourites. get your DH to explain your situation to his mum. I know that my mum would drive 2.5 hours for 5 minutes with a new grandchild. Perhaps you shouldn't concentrate on the distance, just give her the option. Sil should but out.

MrsRhysMeyers Sat 15-Jun-13 11:30:23

I think you are being very unreasonable.

can she not come and stay and help out for a few days? She might really want to and she might be really useful and helpful

NightmareWalking Sat 15-Jun-13 10:52:29

For what it's worth I didn't think YWBU but well done on reaching a compromise! I would have more of a problem with SIL interfering, we had something similar with BIL sending DH an angry text when MIL was coming to meet DD, because MIL had to stop in a hotel (we have one bed). BIL then spent an angry drunken hour ranting at DH on the telephone that MIL should have our bed, and we should sleep on the sofa & floor with our tiny 6 week old* baby. Turns out that BIL has other things going on in his life that explain his behaviour even if they don't excuse it - maybe it's the same for your SIL?

*Yes, MIL didn't meet DD till DD was 6 weeks old, she lives 5 hours away. (FIL didn't meet her until she was 8 months, because their dog was more important - but that's a whole other thread!) My DPs met her at 4 weeks, my DSis at 13 days, My Dbro when DD was 4 days old. You know what? No one died. Everyone gets on fine. DD's relationships with these people will be fine!

neunundneunzigluftballons Sat 15-Jun-13 10:33:53

Well done Sarah and I am glad you took this AIBU so well I think I would have been in tears reading these responses after I had my first as I was all over the place. My inlaws came to see me every night and often during the day when my first was born and it was completely overwhelming so there is definitely a balance to be struck. That said I absolutely loved how excited they were to meet my baby (and all subsequent babies) you cannot pay a price for those moments. I hope that you and your mil enjoy her first visit. Well done n SIL too i future she might pick up the phone and make the call before she tries any thing lie that again.

exoticfruits Fri 14-Jun-13 16:44:01

Glad it is all sorted-no wonder she was sad if she didn't even have a photo!

MrsMook Fri 14-Jun-13 15:46:35

I think it is reasonable to see some visitors and make others wait after a birth that involves a lot of recovery, depending on how you feel and how practical it is.

First time after my emergency CS, DH did a round trip of the 45min journey to pick my Grandma-mum up to see us in hospital. My mother had to wait until about 10 days when I could cope with sitting around on a sofa. I didn't want her to make a 400 mile trip for her to find me napping for most of it. I couldn't have coped with her staying as our relationship is a little sensitive. MiL came over from Ireland at 3wks and stayed over.

This time BiL came over at 2 days when I came home from hospital (it was supposed to be in hospital, but I went home earlier than expected). I didn't see him as I slept through the whole visit! My early guests needed to be hard to offend and local enough for a short visit to be worthwhile. (I was still poor company after my VBAC, infact the 3rd degree tear was more painful, and sitting on the sofa was tortuous!)

Glad it's sorted.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 14-Jun-13 15:10:42

Good comprimise op.

And I didnt think you did anything wrong.

trackies Fri 14-Jun-13 13:45:10

Good luck Op. Enjoy your new baby and well done on the compromise, and having a what to your SIL about her text.

Most importantly, take it easy (well as easy as you can with a newborn) and enjoy your new baby

Pancakeflipper Fri 14-Jun-13 12:33:06

Good one OP. hope the visit goes well. MIL must be so giddy with excitement.

Our families don't live close and MIL has a grandchild who lives with her 2 days a week so it's easy to feel distant. But I email lots of photos which I think helps us all feel a little closer.

MidniteScribbler Fri 14-Jun-13 12:02:20

Good outcome OP. Feel free to use hormones as an excuse to slap your DH upside the head for not sending his mother any pictures.

IAgreeCompletely Fri 14-Jun-13 11:51:52

I think you handled that really well OP. You have hopefully diffused a family drama

Hope everything goes well thanks

EldritchCleavage Fri 14-Jun-13 11:16:06

You never know, MIL may be looking to the birth of this grandchild as a means to improve her relationship with her son. My MIL certainly did, with limited success.

diddl Fri 14-Jun-13 11:11:46

Ah well if husband has just about estranged himself, I think that puts quite a different light on it tbh.

I'd be leaving it to him to sort out!

MrsLyman Fri 14-Jun-13 11:08:53

Sorry not sure what happened there. Sounds like a good outcome. No wonder she was having a moan if your DH hadn't even managed to send a photo! Hope the visit goes well. We're one grandparent lives close and the DCs seem to love them both equally.

NoGoatsToe Fri 14-Jun-13 11:03:59

Well done OP.

FairyJen Fri 14-Jun-13 11:03:37

I don't think you are bu.

I had ds by emcs, he was prem and very poorly. My parents came to the hospital for a visit, ( they were also dropping dd back off ) but I refused to allow pil near until we were back at home, I had rested for a week and was comfortable seeing them.

It's my house as I had a shocking recovery. Dp was fully supportive of me. They may not have liked it but tbf I dont like them so hey ho.

It's your choice op

hamilton75 Fri 14-Jun-13 10:49:29

I always think its refreshing when people are mature enough to compromise in situations rather than going off on one. Good luck OP, sounds like its all worked out in the end.

Sarah2506 Fri 14-Jun-13 10:44:35

Yeah that's pretty much it. He is the oldest of six and felt like his parents had no time for him as all the others came along and so left twenty years ago and now has only sporadic contact. I do feel bad but it can't be my job to repair this when he's quite happy with it. It doesn't help that all the other siblings live close to their parents and we are the only ones who live a way away. MIL would obviously like to see as much of my DD as she sees of her other GC - three times a week if not more- but that's just not going to happen!

MrsLyman Fri 14-Jun-13 10:40:34

Sounds like a good outx

pianodoodle Fri 14-Jun-13 10:33:04

Sounds like you've made plenty of effort to accomodate. I have a similar situation where I think my in-laws feel I'm behind the fact they don't see as much of us as they want - when actually it's my husband who can never be bothered answering the phone to them and me saying he really should give them a call back... ;)

LtEveDallas Fri 14-Jun-13 10:16:09

I hope you are feeling better Sarah and that you are getting the hang of BFing. I'm very glad you have the support of your DH, and that you had the strength to tell your SIL off smile

I hope it all goes well, and your recovery is fast.

(and no, 5 hours is NOT a good drive with a newborn, for you or her)

Sarah, I think you've sorted it out very well. Your DH plays a part here and he will have to deal with his family more, it can't just fall to you.

Hope you are recovering well and enjoy your DD.

ExcuseTypos Fri 14-Jun-13 10:10:40

Glad it's sorted Sarah.

squoosh Fri 14-Jun-13 10:09:24

Well done, that sounds like the perfect resolution!

Enjoy your new bundle.

BegoniaBampot Fri 14-Jun-13 10:08:23

Sounds like a good compromise Sarah - hope you enjoy your baby!

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