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to say no weekend guests during the month before my due date?

(40 Posts)
Soontobemama Thu 13-Jun-13 14:08:34

because I feel like maybe I am being a bit selfish, but I also kind of want to be blush.

My MIL wants to come and stay for a weekend during the month before my 1st baby is due. For several reasons I would prefer she didn't.

DH and I are currently working our way through a list of jobs (decorating, putting up furniture etc) that we need to get finished before the baby arrives and these are taking up most of our weekends at the moment. I'm already struggling to help DH as much as I normally would and so am keen to get things sorted out before I'm in my last few weeks and just can't manage anything.

We also have NCT classes which will be taking up half a weekend day, and we've paid a lot of money for them to try and meet people (We are new to the area and know nobody!). I'd like to be available for any socalising that might take place after the classes rather than rushing home to see MIL.

Also, and probably my most selfish reason is that it's dawning on me that there are only very few weekends left where it's going to be just me and DH. Most of those look set to be full of DIY, and if we do manage to get a couple of weekends free once all our jobs are finally finished I'd actually quite like to spend some time with just him while we still can. I have the rest of my life to entertain my MIL but only a couple of weekends to enjoy time with DH as a couple before our baby arrives and changes things forever. Don't get me wrong we are both looking forward to the life changes ahead, but I'm sure that we will also miss the days when we could lie in and do whatever we want without a little person to consider.

There's also the fact that I am going to be uncomfortable and tired and not probably not in the mood for having guests. The baby could also come early and I really don't want MIL there when I go into labour. Nothing personal I wouldn't want my own mother there either.

I should also add that MIL did come and stay only a short while ago so it's not like she hasn't seen us for months. She will also be visiting again once the baby arrives.

Am I really being unreasonable and selfish? I feel like I might be a bit.

Flyonthewindscreen Thu 13-Jun-13 14:11:55

YANBU, no need to go into a long list of reasons though. Just say you aren't having any visitors (stressing the "any" so MIL doesn't feel its aimed only at her) in the last few weeks before the baby comes and you can't wait to show the baby off to her after it arrives.

MisselthwaiteManor Thu 13-Jun-13 14:13:13

Why does she want to stay? Does she live far away? I think it depends on if she's coming over to help out, or if she's going to expect to be entertained. Does DH want her there?

YANBU to be selfish though, it's your home and you can have whoever you want staying or not staying.

Northernlurker Thu 13-Jun-13 14:13:32

Tell her you're having a second honeymoon with her son.

ljny Thu 13-Jun-13 14:14:33

Not at all unreasonable. Seems sensible to me. And can I add - you sound incredibly organised and sorted. Make the most of your last month - and congrats!

Nicknamegrief Thu 13-Jun-13 14:15:19

Maybe you are a little (not really sure though), but I think you are probably allowed to be if that is the case.

Do what will make you feel the happiest. There is no harm in that in this situation.

PurplePidjin Thu 13-Jun-13 14:16:41

Yanbu. Ds was due 30/11/12 and i pretty much wrote off November and December last year. I was viewed as eminently sensible by those in the know! Especially as he came 11 days early grin

FidgetPie Thu 13-Jun-13 14:17:56

It sounds reasTake the chance to be as 'selfish' as you like and enjoy some quality time together. I'm sure she'll have more fun visiting you after the baby arrives anyway!

redskyatnight Thu 13-Jun-13 14:18:22

I think YANBU and all your reasons are good ones.

But ... you might want to bear in mind that you will likely feel even less like weekend visitors when baby arrives, so if there is anyone you DO want to see - now is a great time to do it!

heritagewarrior Thu 13-Jun-13 14:19:02

Not being U at all. Do it!

FidgetPie Thu 13-Jun-13 14:19:08

Stupid phone - opening sentence should read - 'it sounds reasonable to me'!

WilsonFrickett Thu 13-Jun-13 14:19:39

YANBU. I would tell her you're having no visitors, but I'd also put a date in for her to come and meet the baby, so she has something definite to look forward to.

Soontobemama Thu 13-Jun-13 14:21:13

She lives a few hours away. She won't be helping out with anything. She's not a particularly capable person in the nicest possible way. DH would also feel that he should spend the time with her and not getting on with things around her.

There's also an unspoken expectation that we go out every night for dinner and drinks when she visits, which we have usually gone along with. It was awkward when she visited during my first trimester as I felt terrible and just wasn't up for eating out every night, or if we did I didn't then have the energy to do anything other than go straight home after the meal. She did keep trying to push it and DH said he felt torn between entertaining her and looking after me. So there is the concern that she is visiting with the hope of going out a lot which I may not fancy at all so close to giving birth.

slimyak Thu 13-Jun-13 14:21:52

The last month is knackering IMO, house guests would be too much and your reasons are all very valid. It's the last time your needs will be at the top of the list for a while, so I say be selfish, it's a necessity! Just think of a positive spin or simple reason to put mil off, and maybe book a date for her to visit when newbie arrives so its a rain heck rather than cancellation. Enjoy the lie ins and spontaneous socialising however low key!

Bejeena Thu 13-Jun-13 14:23:09

No you certainly are not. I am due in August and only person who might come and stay before then is my own mother who might come in July (my inlaws came a few weeks ago so I don't feel bad about this)

Then we are also not having anyone come to stay after the birth at all until September and then they have to stay in hotel (only exception here would be my brother who couldn't afford a hotel and I know that if he did stay he would be no hassle at all, unlike parents and inlaws)

Just get your husband to tell her that it won't be a good time and be firm!

Soontobemama Thu 13-Jun-13 14:25:15

WilsonFrickett - We can't really give her a date to come and visit the baby though as we have no idea when he will put in an appearance. We have already told her that we are not having overnight visitors for the first few weeks as we want time to bond and find our feet.

We have suggested she stays elsewhere if she does want to visit before we are ready but it didn't go down well. That's a whole other issue though and we are standing our ground on that.

MommyBird Thu 13-Jun-13 14:26:04

YANBU. tbh im going through the same kinda thing and could of wrote this myself.

You're being very organised which is amazing as having a baby means you won't have time to pee, let alone do DIY.

oscarwilde Thu 13-Jun-13 14:29:45

She doesn't need to know that the NCT stuff is only half day? grin
Just tell her hat you have plans, the house is going to stink of paint and DH is going to be teetotal for the month before you go into labour to be on the safe side.
Or say - marvellous - I would love a hand making 12 million homemade frozen dinners while DH strips wallpaper and watch her make her excuses wink
Or you could go to visit her on a Saturday evening post DIY, have a lie in, stay for lunch and buzz off home?
The trade off is that she is possibly going to stay for AGES after the baby is born as she hasn't seen you all in so long.... it might be worth impressing on her now how much needs to be done by making a ludicrously long list and sticking it to the fridge door so it stares her in the face when she does visit post baby. Technically you are not asking her to clean your windows.. dum di dum..
Mine were 10 days and 3 weeks early respectively. YANBU

BerthaTheBogCleaner Thu 13-Jun-13 14:35:34

No, not selfish at all. But you don't need to give MIL a load of reasons (people tend to "solve" your problems and come anyway, if you do that). Just say no, not convenient, such a shame, would have love to have seen you but that month doesn't suit us.

And discuss that post-birth visit with dh. Make sure he knows he won't be taking MIL out to dinner and leaving you at home with the baby. And that if he feels "torn between entertaining her and looking after me" he should choose you, every time!

You could, I suppose, book a date 6 weeks post-due-date, for her to come for the weekend? Once the baby is here and she wants to visit sooner, you can move the date.

Soontobemama Thu 13-Jun-13 14:40:14

She lives too far away to visit for an evening. It's at least a 4 hour drive but usually more like 5 to 6. Even if it was closer our DIY has been keeping us busy late. It was gone 9pm before we managed to eat last Sunday!

No chance of her staying for ages after baby is born either. I will be limiting how long she can stay as she will just get under my feet after a few days (luckily DH feels the same).

Soontobemama Thu 13-Jun-13 14:45:28

DH is already on board with the post birth visit. Thankfully he has already had the conversation about it with her without me having to be involved.

She needs to prebook train tickets so that they aren't ridiculously expensive so if we set a post birth visit now she won't be able to change it. That's why we are not agreeing any dates until he arrives.

She has already been told by DH that it's not convenient for her to visit because we don't have the free time. I still feel a bit bad though.

kerala Thu 13-Jun-13 14:46:55

YANBU. Anyway first babies are not always late - mine was 5 weeks early so I never got that final month prep and messing about so am envy

ItsDecisionTime Thu 13-Jun-13 15:27:57

I think it would be extremely rude to tell her she can't come. It sounds like you just don't want her there and are coming up with reasons to give her. Why not just say she's welcome to stay, you have lots going on and an extra pair of hands will be welcome if she's prepared to muck in. She'll soon tell you if she has other expectations of the visit and will probably look for excuses herself not to come. Important as it is to you, you're only having a baby ffs.

Binkybix Thu 13-Jun-13 15:33:32

Yanbu. I'm due tomorrow and although I've been trying to be sociable etc because i know things will change radically soon, I have defo been a bit more selfish with my time with DH.

Repeatedlydoingthetwist Thu 13-Jun-13 15:48:47

YADNBU! I'm just under 38 weeks and the thought of having anyone apart from my DP here for an entire weekend fills me with dread.

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