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To be so frustrated that I want to just scream?!?!

(302 Posts)
ariane5 Tue 11-Jun-13 15:13:00

Trying to arrange help for when I (possibly) have an op later in the week.

All I would like is for DH to take 2 days off. Look after 2 younger dcs whilst older 2 at school, let me reat when home and the following day BUT he wants me to postpone as "needs to work" and is worried how he will cope with dcs.

Dm said she "cannot possibly" take time off. Dsis said she will 'help' but her help involves taking the baby for a couple of hrs the following day out for a little walk in his "nice buggy" with her dp to cafe/shops and that's it.
Dh said he might be ok with 1 day off and I asked dm/dsis can I go to their house so am not on my own with dcs but dsis wasn't keen on 'proper' helping as its a lot of work and wants dh to help instead.
Mil wants to know why does dh need time off-shes apparently had a similar op and returned to work the same afternoon.

I just feel like cancelling, I'm nervous anyway and nobody wants to help me.

AIBU to just feel like screaming I'm so so frustrated?

Ashoething Tue 11-Jun-13 15:48:55

You keep posting about these issues op and nothing seems to ever get resolved?

You need to stop looking to your family/inlaws for help-they are not going to change. They quite clearly resent you for continuing to have children when you have an inherited condition.

Your issues with your dh are the main problem. I can see his point about his job as keeping a job in this climate is important. But he is being very BU about your op-that's important for you all so you should avoid cancelling.

Is there any way social services/carers could help for a couple of days if the family wont step up to the mark?

Re-your dh and the holiday,Im afraid my answer would be a flat no-when are you getting to take a solo holiday btw?

When do you get your holiday?

X post

mmmerangue Tue 11-Jun-13 15:50:31

I can't really believe they are being so unhelpful. These are the people closest to you, who love you?

Tell DH to take a day off. Get DSis to do her walk and give him a break if need be. How much care does he actually give them if one day in charge, with you (I'm guessing) also in the house, just resting up, worries him that much?

If you need to be there to BF, you can stay in bed and he can bring DS to you for that purpose, or say if he is getting clingy for you and won't nap or whatever?

flowers brew

SolomanDaisy Tue 11-Jun-13 15:50:53

You put off your DD getting a a pump when you are struggling to control her diabetes? Your DH really needs to get his priorities sorted. He needs a different job for a start.

GuffSmuggler Tue 11-Jun-13 15:52:02

Forget the rest of the family, it would be nice if they helped you but they are not obliged to.

This is COMPLETELY your DH's responsibility. You need to get really serious with him and tell him you need him to take the time off to look after you and your DCs or as soldat says he can pay for help otherwise you are out the door.

This is what marriage is about 'for better for worse, sickness and health'. If you can't rely on your husband to help when you have an op then what is the point of being married?

I'm so sorry you are being treated like this OP when you should have the care and support of your loved ones.

Northumberlandlass Tue 11-Jun-13 15:53:00

I had GA when I was sterilsed (day case). I was not allowed to be discharged unless I could confirm I had someone to look after me and no one to look after. It wasn't for the stitches / wound but for the effects of GA.

I was definitely out of it for 2 days and felt the effects for longer.

YADNBU - I am furious at your DH for you angry sad

MalcolmTuckersMum Tue 11-Jun-13 15:57:08

100% what ashoething said. These posts are now what? Two a week? Never ever anything but despair from you about your life. Surely you can see that this can't go on? You'll put yourself into an early grave. Your family are as good as useless. If we can all see that why on earth can't you? Just give them a swerve and get some peace back in your life. As for your husband he sounds like the biggest waste of time ever. He's not really your husband is he? He's a fifth child. YOU need to start taking charge of this whole horrible situation. There are any number of VERY wise MN'ers who could guide you through that.

I'm sorry, but if I was a betting woman I'd say you'll continue to do nothing and that is rather depressing.

Littleturkish Tue 11-Jun-13 15:57:50

What a shit.

Insist he books the time off. They are HIS children.

He should be ashamed.

I think you DH is in denial about his own health, your health and the problems faced by the children. You both have health problems, your 4 children have serious health problems he can't keep closing his eyes to that.

Its time for him to remove his head from his arse the sand and look to the needs of his family. Why does he think you will be well enough to look after the children after a GA when he is scared of looking after them for one day.

ariane5 Tue 11-Jun-13 16:02:03

The pump has been a huge issue. I know it would be better for dd but I struggle massively even with my phone and am number dyslexic so would have needed a lot of help fron dh to get used to using a pump etc.

Dh knows this and knows I wouldn't cope on my own initially and then he wouldn't be able to go on holiday so he said not to do it now.

Dd is doing ok now we are being v strict with carb counting but I've had an afternoon of her screaming today for snacks that I can't give her without extra injections (on a pump she could have a snack and just an insulin bolus through that) so it would be better for her. Same with her hernia op.

I am at my wits end. Dh does do a lot, he helps with housework every evening and gets up in night with me if 2 or more dcs get up unwell so I can't complain but the holiday is too much.

Ashoething Tue 11-Jun-13 16:03:53

So when are you getting a holiday then ariane?

oldwomaninashoe Tue 11-Jun-13 16:04:26

I 'm assuming you are having an arthroscopy?
When I last had this done the GP said I needed 2 weeks before I could go back to work! After the GA I was very sleepy for about 48 hours and just took to my bed and watched TV.
I would not have been capable of running round after a toddler!

Your Dh will have to employ somene to provide some childcare if he is not prepared to give it himself.

(Incidentally I am having artroscopies done on both knees soon and have been told to take off 3 weeks to recover painfree function)

diddl Tue 11-Jun-13 16:05:38

OMG-he's putting a holiday before his child's health.

That is awful.

OP-how can you have any respect for him?

ariane5 Tue 11-Jun-13 16:05:39

I don't know what to do. Nobody in rl to offload all this to.

I just feel like giving up its true I cannot cope. I have tried and tried but everything goes wrong and I am sick of my is miserable. At least twice a day I am in tears and I am sick and tired of drs/hosp appts.I hate it.


BalloonSlayer Tue 11-Jun-13 16:08:13

You have having a BIOPSY????

So this could be a very serious illness that needs detection and treatment as quickly as possible, and he wants you to delay a couple of months??

He says it's not urgent???

Christ Almighty. What an absolute, grade one, selfish, thoughtless, uncaring ARSEHOLE.

"I think dh should help,dh thinks dm/dsis should, they think he should its a complete mess! "
Jaw-dropping. You and your dm/dsis are right. Your husband should help. Why are you even calling it "help"? Your husband should look after his own children while you are unable to.

I would suggest you say "I am taking medical advice and having my operation when the Doctors think I should have it. NOT when you think I should have it. I expect you to make yourself available to look after our children for two days, because that is what the Doctors have said needs to happen. I am not interested in your opinion that I will be OK to look after them because you are not a Doctor. The Doctors have said I must find childcare or I cannot be discharged. You are the children's father - the childcare is you. I am also not interested in your excuses about work or your holiday. If you find that you cannot take the time off, I will not be discharged from hospital. If you do not turn up to collect the children from school, the school will call social services. I assume you don't want this to happen? No. Good. Well make sure you don't fuck up then."

ariane5 Tue 11-Jun-13 16:13:22

No I'm having hysteroscopy and a biopsy. Dh was just comparing it to his knee ops in terms of having a GA.

BeckAndCall Tue 11-Jun-13 16:16:51

'Christ Almighty' is right, balloon.

Ok, so your DH is clearly a useless selfish waste of space in a crisis. So my suggestion is this.

Absolutely stick with the planned op. for the two elder DC, ask someone else to take and collect from school for the two days, and maybe even see if they could do an after school club those days?

Accept your DSis measly offer of help by taking the baby out for a walk - and while she's out can she please pick up milk and bread? When she gets back in can she please make a cup of tea and just throw together a sandwich for DC3s lunch ( with a 'thanks ever so' smile on your face)

And get in a nanny through an agency for those two days, or even just one day. As you'll be in, there should be no anxiety from the little ones as they can see you, but they have someone else to make their meals and help with drawing, bathing, nappies etc.

I have no suggestions on how to cope with DH though.....

3Caramel Tue 11-Jun-13 16:18:32

I feel for you! What a selfish bunch they all are!

I agree with the others - you should not postpone, and will need some help, so give your dh, dm & dsis one last chance to step-up & help you out, and if not, make it clear that you'll have to pay for some help instead, as your own husband won't help you. Hopefully you'll your DH into doing what's right, but if not, at least you'll be able to get some relative R&R afterwards.

Good luck - hope it works out (and goes well)!

3Caramel Tue 11-Jun-13 16:19:22

meant to say "hopefully you'll shame your dh into doing what's right".

mmmerangue Tue 11-Jun-13 16:19:54

reading other comments, you frequently post about problems on here.

Maybe the actual question for your husband is "How would you cope if I died? Was in a car accident? Lost both legs to a hoarde of rampaging Baboons? Take responsibility for your children or GTFO, I'm asking for one day, 2 days, not a life time!"

icklemssunshine1 Tue 11-Jun-13 16:24:47

OP I really feel for you. In a time like this your family should be coming to your aid. A couple I months back I was in hospital & DH had to spend time between work/looking after DD/dropping her off at nursery & various friends & family/visiting me. He never once complained (although he looked shattered) but the way he saw it I was in the worst position.

I really hope they change their minds. If you've been told to rest you need to. Can you put a timetable in place such as DH looks after DCs from x to x, MIl from x to x etc?

ariane5 Tue 11-Jun-13 16:30:04

Yes, I do post a lot. I have a lot of problems that combined are making my life hellish.

If I think I've managed to solve one problem/get on top of something then another problem emerges.
I spend a lot of time wishing for a simple life and to never have to set foot in a hospital ever again in my life.
I sometimes feel like just getting up and walking out of the house and not stopping. My frustration levels are horrendous. I can't get anything done or get through to dh that I need help.and a rest.

diddl Tue 11-Jun-13 16:34:21

I think that it's awful that OPs mum & sister won't help if they could-but I think I've read posts in the past that make that no surprise, sadly.

And of course, the children do have a father in the picture-it's not as if there is no one apart from OPs mum & sister.

I wouldn't feel inclined to be getting others to help him out-if he wants that, he can organise it himself.

But in all honesty, I sadly wouldn't trust him stay off for as long as needed, or to actually keep the children from bother OP unnecessarily.

MummytoKatie Tue 11-Jun-13 16:40:15

What exactly is the biopsy looking for?

Because if it is something such as cancer then sorry to be blunt but by getting you to delay for a few months your dh could be facing a lifetime of looking after the children on his own. Not just 2 days.

Erm.... Not really sure what to add to that!

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