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to want to double barrel my surname after 6 years of marriage

(120 Posts)
benjerriesandme Sat 08-Jun-13 21:56:11

When I got married 6 years ago before hand I spoke with my then husband to be about not really wanting to change my name. My reason being that im an only child and so was my dad so my surname would die with my dad. My husband was not happy as he said he was traditional and it was the usual thing to change your name when married.

I did change my name but was always at the back of my mind and I don't want to share the same name with my ILs (SIL also chose the same first name for their son as ours so they will have the same first and surname, this however is not that big a deal it was just something extra to think about)

I have since had 2 children and my dad has also died and now I feel very upset that my surname has gone and will not be carried on and I was to now double barrel my and my Childrens surname but not sure how to bring it up to my husband as it caused so much trouble before. I wish now I had stood my ground and double barrelled from the start.

How can I bring this up with DH?

benjerriesandme Sat 08-Jun-13 21:56:53

sorry if there are any typos as I'm typing it on my phone.

CSIJanner Sat 08-Jun-13 22:00:17

A can of worms waiting to happen!

You have to deed poll all the names in order to do this. And don't be fooled - you don't have to pay for this. I'm double barrelled for the same reasons as you. What I would suggest is putting your husbands name last in the barrel so that it isn't too much of a change. That way, yu can argue that it is pretty much the same name. My FIL was pleased that DH's surname was last as essentially it made it the real surname confused

But expect a lot of fighting and comments from the IL's

benjerriesandme Sat 08-Jun-13 22:07:13

CSI- thanks for that, I didn't know you didn't have to pay for it. How do you go about it? I know it will cause alot of problems but I can't get it out of my head that since my dads death his name has gone. My mom still has his name but its not the same IYKWIM.

HollyBerryBush Sat 08-Jun-13 22:09:23

My maiden surname is a traditional first name.

DH vetoed it as first name for out sons, on the grounds it's shortened version was sexually derogatory hmm

We all have a common initial within our names but couldn't find a name we liked for DS3 that shared the initial. Until I perked up out of the morphine an announced DS3 was going to have my Christian name, scandinavianised as his middle masculinised name.

I suppose the big Q is: would your children want to be lumbered with a double barrel surname? Their choice when they are of age.

benjerriesandme Sat 08-Jun-13 22:09:39

Also to add, I wanted to do it now before my 2 start school so they don't have to deal with all the confusion or before they are really aware of their whole name.

Rhubarbcrumblewithcustard Sat 08-Jun-13 22:12:01

I understand your reasons for wanting to, but it really is just a name. It doesn't change anything. I don't think it's worth the upset tbh. You can give your kids a more important legacy from your dad than a name.

I always think double-barrelling is a bit short sighted, as what on earth do your kids do when they get married? Have three? Or four, if their DP is double barrelled?

TwinkleSparkleBling Sat 08-Jun-13 22:13:58

I totally understand where you are coming from.

I went double barrelled for the same reasons you want to.

I was clear that future DCs would also have this name as it was a mix of me and DH.

Lovely DH wanted to be the same, so he changed his name too.

People are always really surprised when I tell them and I guess I didn't realise it was such a big deal. To be fair I don't think it was to DH now his parents were an entirely different matter and saw it as the end of the world

I suppose the only suggestion I have is to be honest with your DH. Tell him what you have posted.

Sadly, I fear it may not go well given his original attitude that tradition was more important to him that what you wanted.

jellybaby25 Sat 08-Jun-13 22:17:36

I honestly don't understand why women change their surname in the first place. I know it doesn't help you now, but I think you should have stood firm in the first place. Most men would NEVER consider changing their name --- why should we?

Bearbehind Sat 08-Jun-13 22:18:01

I really don't see where this will end.

If our generation all give their children double barrelled names then will the next generatation want 4 names, and the one after want 8 names........

You are who you are, regardless of name.

benjerriesandme Sat 08-Jun-13 22:19:08

Twinkle, did you double barrel after you were married or at a later date?

jellybaby25 Sat 08-Jun-13 22:19:13

@Bearbehind and @Rhubarbcrumblewithcustard... so don't change your name! problem sorted!

trackies Sat 08-Jun-13 22:19:28

I kept my maiden name too, but we gave DS my maiden name as his middle name, so my FIL gets confused now and think we've gone double barreled just with DS.

My Dad also died a while ago, so whilst my Dad's surname continues in my sons middle name. It will probably die out with my son, but i won't be around to see it so doesn't bother me.

fastyspeedyfast Sat 08-Jun-13 22:20:05

Have you considered changing your name back to your Dad's, but leaving the kids as they are? Or just having yours double? I'm with Rhubarb on double-barelling the kids - it just doesn't work in the long run. If you wanted them to have your name rather than DH's, that's perfectly reasonable... but probably not a few years after having them! I could see how it might annoy your DH to change after all this time.

HollyBerryBush Sat 08-Jun-13 22:22:29

It can escalate ... but i'm traditional - a child should have its fathers name. end of.,_Senior

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JennySense Sat 08-Jun-13 22:22:30

I didn't change my surname and both my daughters have my surname as a second middle name - worth it when my parents were stopped leaving Florida when they took DD to Disney smile

benjerriesandme Sat 08-Jun-13 22:23:10

fasty- I wouldn't really want a different name to my children but I do see what you mean though.

fastyspeedyfast Sat 08-Jun-13 22:26:36

If you double-barreled your name, then you would have the same name as the kids, or recognisably so. By the way, if you have a different name as your children... everyone will still know that you're their mother! I promise. smile Think you should push ahead to changing yours to what you'd like, though. Your dh should prefer you happy, not traditional.

Bearbehind Sat 08-Jun-13 22:27:02

But jelly if you don't change your name and your children have a different name to either their mother or father, what are they supposed to do when they have children and want to carry on their family(s) names?

fastyspeedyfast Sat 08-Jun-13 22:32:02

Bearbehind... you can either have a patrilineal system or matrilineal one. Or you can have a system that accepts either way (like the UK). But you cannot carry on both family names ad infinitum. They'd run out of room on the birth register.

Bearbehind Sat 08-Jun-13 22:37:21

That's my point fast.

One generation going to have to give it up and if the best you think you have to offer is your surname then I think you've missed the point of a legacy.

Bue Sat 08-Jun-13 22:38:15

Well you shouldn't have let yourself be swayed into changing it in the first place, but since you are where you are, I think it would be a lot easier to just double barrel your own and leave the DCs as they are.

Rhubarbcrumblewithcustard Sat 08-Jun-13 22:43:50

Not changing your name is definitely preferable to double barrelling, but the issue here is 'carrying on the name'.

The op wants her children have her family name to carry it on, but yet your husband is equally going to want his children to have his name to 'carry it on' for HIS father, and has just as much cause. Without double-barrelling, one of you is not going to get what you want, yet double barrelling is really just thinking of yourselves, not the kids down the line when they get married and have children.

Really, I think it's just admin. Names don't mean anything and wives changing to husband's name and children being the same is just a system that helps to keep things simple.

wonderstuff Sat 08-Jun-13 22:46:32

I changed my name 12 years ago when I married, it does bug me that I did. My children have my maiden name as a second middle name. It is traditional in my fathers family, my paternal grandmother, my father and my brother have my great-grandmothers maiden name as a middle name, my great aunt had a different middle name, no one knows whose it is but it must be a female relatives maiden name!

I read an article once about getting round the infinite double barrel. It suggested that the mothers name continue down a maternal line and fathers name down a paternal one - so your son gives his children his fathers name, your daughter gives her children your name. Sounded really sensible to me. In fact does it happen in some cultures? I have taught children of asian heritage where brothers have different surnames to sisters.

trackies Sat 08-Jun-13 22:52:50

Some asian kids also don't have same surname as either of their parents or siblings.

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