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To think getting pregnant "accidentally" is not ok

(156 Posts)
Buddhagirl Fri 07-Jun-13 23:02:14

Conversion with a gf yesterday along the lines of:

Me: i really want to start ttc I wish dh would agree to start sooner
Her: just come off contraception and don't tell him, you will both love the baby and make it work
Me: isn't that unfair and a bit immoral?
Her: loads of people do it, what's the worst that could happen?

I do wonder how many "accidents" are really accidents. I can see how women would want to do this and I'm sure most do cope and it's ok, but surely it's really unfair?

AThingInYourLife Sat 08-Jun-13 08:01:43

I agree with Northern.

I find the idea that men have a right to consequence-free sex, with a partner who takes care of contraception even though she wants to have a baby, really horrible.

KittyPryde Sat 08-Jun-13 08:02:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LookingThroughTheFog Sat 08-Jun-13 08:07:06

I often wonder whether I trapped my DH into having a baby.

The situation was a little different though, in that he knew I wasn't using contraception (I can't take the pill, so he was pretty clear that there was no condom involved), and he had sex with me anyway. Plus, we'd intended to start trying the following January, and this was in December.

He did ask 'well how safe are you?' and I was just newly off my period, so I said I thought I was OK. The thing is, we continued to have sex that week, and he was still clear there was no condom, so I do wonder what he thought was going to happen. He's not stupid, and has a degree in biology.

Anyhow, he was delighted, if a little surprised, when we got pregnant.

Prior to that all happening, we had had a heartfelt conversation the previous summer, because I was hearing a lot of 'one day, but not yet,' and eventually I sat him down and told him it wasn't good enough any more. I needed to know when. I was planning my life around children, and it was getting harder and harder to push it away indefinitely.

ScarletLady02 Sat 08-Jun-13 08:16:23

With my last post, I didn't meant to imply it's always the woman's responsibility to take care of the contraception in the first instance, it may have read a little like that.

In our relationship, I take the pill. That's our understanding and the best way it works for that as we've discussed it. So my husband trusts that I take it and neither of us need to worry. If I just suddenly stopped without discussing it with him and expected him to take responsibility without even informing him things had changed, then I feel that would be deceptive of me. If you're in a committed relationship you discuss these things surely?

We've also discussed that we may want another child possibly in a couple of years...if we decide we don't then DH will have a vasectomy. If an accident happened in the meantime, then we will deal with it.

Morloth Sat 08-Jun-13 08:17:47

Each person needs to take responsibility for their own contraception.

Having said that, my DH trusts me. I have a mirena, he knows I would absolutely love another baby but he really does not want one.

He knows that even though I want another baby, hell would freeze over before I lied to him about my contraception.

So it would be horrendous of me to remove my mirena without telling him and get knocked up.

If we have an accidental pregnancy, he knows as he trusts me that it really would be an accident.

Satnightdropout Sat 08-Jun-13 08:18:54

Partner has 4 children with his ex. They had planned a divorce but still sleeping with each other (hence why I have no sympathy for partner) and she "accidently" fell pregnant. She's done it 2 times since then with other men.
Partner loves all his kids and they always come first BUT has admitted that he just can't seem to bond with the fourth as he believes they wouldn't have got back together if she hadn't of fallen pregnant and wouldn't have had another 6 years of unhappy marriage. It wasn't until I mentioned that he didn't seem as close to the fourth that he admitted this.

I have no sympathy for him as he could've used something or just not have sex with her, however, I do feel sorry for the youngest as he will notice soon.

Fair enough if you want to "accidently" fall pregnant because you're late in age etc...And desperate for children regardless of whether father is in the picture or not.
Just seems a bit wrong doing it and then expecting his yo hang around, pay and support to child even though he had no say in the matter. And for people who say, yeah well, a woman doesn't get much say in the matter of she falls, yes she does, it's called abortion. A father doesn't get a say in that.

LittlePeaPod Sat 08-Jun-13 08:23:29

Accidents happen... BUT, I know a girl that bragged about doing this at work... She became a single mum to twin girls, her DP dumped her (after 4 years together) because he felt trapped. He moved away and has nothing to do with the girls and doesn't pay a penny... She's really struggling now and I really feel sorry for her little girls. But she created this situation.

TeapotsInJune Sat 08-Jun-13 08:30:55

The problem is that most long term forms of contraception are designed for women; furthermore, they are ones that are invasive or come with changes in hormones or similar. The Pill is if course 'safe' IF its taken correctly but all it takes is a tummy upset to throw all that off balance.

DD was a 'surprise' although not a huge one as we never used contraception - used natural family planning - I really don't like the idea of the. Oil or the pill and have never used either. Used condoms until we got to the point where a baby wouldn't be a bad thing, and she isn't.

Chunderella Sat 08-Jun-13 08:31:30

I wouldn't say she created it, LittlePeaPod. Some of it, not all. While I strongly disagree with what she did, the only part she created is the twin girls with a father who didn't want them. He did the moving away, ignoring his children and failing to fulfil his legal financial responsibilities all by himself.

And OP, I can assure you my accident genuinely was an accident! With DH being much more pleased about it than I was initially. We were being slightly lax about contraception, but at the time I genuinely did think we'd be fine.

Satnightdropout I hope you have as little sympathy for your partner as you do for his ex re 4th child, then. Unless she literally sabotaged the condoms beforehand.

AThingInYourLife Sat 08-Jun-13 08:33:22

"She became a single mum to twin girls, her DP dumped her (after 4 years together) because he felt trapped. He moved away and has nothing to do with the girls and doesn't pay a penny... She's really struggling now and I really feel sorry for her little girls. But she created this situation."

See this is where this kind of thing spills into open misogyny.

He also created this situation.

He has two children he is taking zero responsibility for, that were conceived when he was taking no responsibility for his own fertility, and yet the woman who is struggling to look after those children is the bad guy.

SanityClause Sat 08-Jun-13 08:33:30

No, Little Pea, he was half involved in creating the situation. He couldve taken responsibility for his own fertility if he didn't want children, as could she. And as for not seeing his children , and not paying, yet all your tut tutting is for her. Mysoginistic, or what?

DH doesn't want any more children. I accidentally (but not "accidentally") fell pregnant on the Mirena with our third DC. So, he had a vasectomy.

TeapotsInJune Sat 08-Jun-13 08:33:46

Littlepeapod, my husband was happy when I was pregnant. Then we split. Then he moved to Ireland and doesn't pay a penny in child support and never sees DD.

You can feel sorry for her if you like,or accept she lives in a lovely home with devoted parent and has all her needs met. There are always marriage horror-stories of the "I know someone who" lines. I know plenty of people who didn't 'trick' their husbands who still found they were married to twats.

If you don't want a baby YOU need to take responsibility for that.

SanityClause Sat 08-Jun-13 08:34:25

X post

Joiningthegang Sat 08-Jun-13 08:41:07

I agree that you shouldn't do the "accident" thing,

However, of the man doesn't want more children they should be actively taking responsibility for this not happening.

Male friend always said he only wanted one child. Once the baby was a year he had a vasectomy - realising his wife would probably want another one. Due to the op the conversation never really happened.

Good on him - wish more men were like that

LittlePeaPod Sat 08-Jun-13 08:42:29

I dont agree that he does pay up. He should pay. but she put herself in that position.. My point is she created the situation she is in. He told her he wasn't ready and she bragged to the girls that she had told him she had a coil and didn't like condoms so they were safe. She didn't give him the option to protect himself by using a condom because she LIED. On that basis she created the situation that she's in. She has to take responsibility for that...

Santy please give it break with the mysoginistic... grin

Roshbegosh Sat 08-Jun-13 08:44:09

It is not that uncommon, so many women I have met professionally who say it was an accident but that meant that they didn't use contraception but weren't explicitly saying let's make a baby. How this counts as an accident beats me.

LittlePeaPod Sat 08-Jun-13 08:45:28

Teapot that's a different situation. You both wanted the children and he had a choice in the decision.

I will make myself clear again. Men should pay up for their kids, but I have no sympathy for a woman that lies and deceitfully falls pregnant... It's wrong!

TeapotsInJune Sat 08-Jun-13 08:48:47

Different thoughts and feelings, maybe, same result smile

Either she's a perfectly adequate parent, or she is not - if the former the kids don't need your pity, if the latter, that's got nothing to do with the topic.

LittlePeaPod Sat 08-Jun-13 08:53:30

I feel sorry for the kids because thy didn't ask to be born into the situation. I don't feel sorry for her because she knowingly lied.. BTW she herself admits she purposely tapped him and hoped he would just accept the situation... It backfired..

Chunderella Sat 08-Jun-13 08:53:39

Littlepeapod no, she didn't create the situation she's in. She created some of it, not all. At most you might argue that it was reasonably foreseeable that her DP would do a runner and have nothing to do with the children. But those things were not created by her, and you can tell this because they were not within her control. He could have decided to stay local and pay for them- that was also reasonably foreseeable- and she wouldn't have been able to stop him. You don't have to have any sympathy for her, or even to think he ought to meet his legal obligations to pay child support, to acknowledge this. Her DP is responsible for ending the relationship, moving away, ignoring the children and not paying anything for them. Not her.

LittlePeaPod Sat 08-Jun-13 08:56:52

Cunderella you need to read my note again... I think all men should meet their legal obligations and pay up. I have no sympathy for women that lie and fall pregnant through deceitful actions.... Which this situation boils down to..

CarpeVinum Sat 08-Jun-13 08:57:36

I do wonder how many "accidents" are really accidents

Maybe some countries are just very accident prone. Amazingly in some countries contraception appears to be far more reliable.

----> points to Italy's very low birth rate.

Talking to my friends there isn't much "belt and braces" going on. But they can't afford more than one child, two tops (no comparable welfare state, no child tax credits, child allowance, housing benefit etc.) in case things go wrong in the future (job loss, ill health, unforseen maritial breakdown) and they will be needing help from family to plug the needs/resources gap. And so..they tend to manage to have just the one (or two tops) that they planned on being feasable in both good times and bad.

LittlePeaPod Sat 08-Jun-13 09:00:19

Maybe some countries are just very accident prone. Amazingly in some countries contraception appears to be far more reliable.

So true.

Satnightdropout Sat 08-Jun-13 09:10:23

Chunderella, reread my post, that's what I said. I have little sympathy for my partner as he shouldn't have even been sleeping with her if they'd arranged a divorce and he's also capable of using something. Was illustrating how it affects the child if they weren't planned or at least a "happy surprise" .

LadyFlumpalot Sat 08-Jun-13 09:15:17

Oh crumbs OP, please don't do as your friend suggests. DS was an accident, ok, we were careless with contraception, but he was still unplanned. I was delighted and terrified in equal measure when I found out. DH was devastated, demanded I have an abortion and reverted to a sulky teenager when I refused.

Luckily he is a very lovely man who understood that he had his own responsibility in creating DS and very quickly came round to the idea and who is now a loving father. However, it could have gone the other way, and probably would have if he had suspicions it was deliberate.

By all means tell your DH that you would like to start TTC and that you are coming off whatever contraception you use. He can then make the choice what he wants to do - abstain, condoms, etc.

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