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To think I shouldn't bloody drop the charges even if the bugger is my husband...?

(371 Posts)
Ginshizz Tue 04-Jun-13 13:51:56

In brief:

H and I have been having problems for a while. I have just started to take on more work following the birth of DD (now 1yo). I have tried to persuade him to go to couples counselling but he refused as he thought it would end up with him being criticised by the counsellor as well as by me (surely an indication that he knows he wasn't being great?).

Quick background point: he goes out every week with his mates and I babysit and then take care of DD the next day so he is not starved of a social life - he also goes out as and when parties come up; I have moved work projects around to accommodate this.

He was invited to a party on Saturday and double checked I was OK with him going - I said of course but I needed to work on Sunday (fyi I had put off all my work until the weekend to make sure he had last week free to work on the understanding I could work at the weekend - we didn't want to use childcare).

He said fine, he would be home early and sober enough to be in a fit state to look after DD properly first thing on Sunday morning.

Cut to Saturday night: I was woken up at 3:30 am by a tremendous banging from downstairs. I thought someone had broken in but no, it was H so drunk he was bouncing off the walls. I had a MASSIVE go at him and let him know exactly what I thought about his behaviour.

He shouted vile things at me and then kicked me. In the chest. Hard. Then went to sleep.

Worried about what he would do if he woke up again before sobering up, I called the police (once I had picked myself up, ascertained nothing felt broken and got my breath back), he was arrested and, once sober, interviewed when he admitted what had happened. He was charged with battery and bailed on condition that he doesn't come near me or DD or the family home.

Most people have been very supportive BUT some close family members have told me I should drop the charges because it would be awful for him to have a criminal record.


So, and I promise I won't be offended, please tell me honestly AIBU to think the fucker deserves to be convicted because what he did was ACTUALLY CRIMINAL?

Am I missing something?

I am genuinely confused by some people's reactions so if you agree that I should drop the charges, that's fine but please can you explain why?



HeartsTrumpDiamonds Tue 04-Jun-13 16:11:08

How would it be more awful for him to have a criminal record than for you and your DD to live with a violent abuser??


Startail Tue 04-Jun-13 16:16:42

I couldn't press charges because DH would loose his job. If he ever did anything like that I'd want the DCs to be able to screw every penny of maintainable out of him they could.

Otherwise, quite clearly men who hit their wives are criminals and deserve to be treated as such.

TheOrchardKeeper Tue 04-Jun-13 16:18:44

OP, if a random stranger in the street kicked you in the chest, I highly doubt you'd just 'let it go'. The fact that the man you've had kids with and given up a lot for did it is even worse.

You are soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo not being unreasonable and I really feel for you.

You need that like a hole in the head.

McNewPants2013 Tue 04-Jun-13 16:25:56


It was him who got himself arrested for assault.

sweetestcup Tue 04-Jun-13 16:26:25

What everyone has said. Im curious as to what family members think this

myroomisatip Tue 04-Jun-13 16:33:39


Remember that often violence escalates sad

AllThatGlistens Tue 04-Jun-13 16:37:39

Good grief YANBU!!!

Bloody hell sad well done for sticking to your guns OP, and I'd be telling the family members where to stick it too!

Really hope you're as well as can be, given the circs flowers

LClogs Tue 04-Jun-13 16:45:00

Definitely right to call the police.

When I was a little girl (in the 70's) my auntie would regularly turn up at our house on a Saturday night pouring with blood, battered and bruised. No-one talked about it and I couldn't understand what was going on.

Eventually I worked out or found out that it was my uncle who did this to her when he was drunk giving ever more ridiculous 'reasons' for his anger at her. He even threw boiling water at her when she was holding their baby and killed their pet budgie.

She had nowhere to go and no way to support herself so she stayed and put up with it for more than 25 years. He only stopped when he got ill.

Violence has no place in a relationship and women nowadays don't have to put up with it. Good for you for standing up for yourself.

If you have any doubts, thinks of my auntie, still being battered in her 40s and 50s.

NorthernLurker Tue 04-Jun-13 16:54:18

He committed a criminal act. He'll just have to live with having the record of it.

You've done absolutely the right thing for you and your baby.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Tue 04-Jun-13 16:59:35


Those other people are apologists. Although they may not intend it, they make such behaviour socially acceptable.

Sorry this has happened

specialsubject Tue 04-Jun-13 17:10:28

no. The charges stick and that, I'm afraid, is game over on your relationship.

he got drunk and assaulted you. Being drunk is not a mitigating factor, it is an aggravating one.

Game over before he hurts you again. Good luck.

MadamFolly Tue 04-Jun-13 17:20:56

Some people think that men have a right to be violent to their wives and it isn't a real crime. These people are knobs.

burberryqueen Tue 04-Jun-13 17:23:12

I know I remember the woman next door telling my husband i had deserved two black eyes as she had seen the nasty way I looked at him. (!!)

Elquota Tue 04-Jun-13 17:29:34


SuperStrength Tue 04-Jun-13 17:40:38

How would you feel if someone did this to your little girl? horrified no doubt. You need to value yourself in the same way.

Write off anyone who doesn't support you pressing charges.

Think very carefully about your next steps regarding continuing a relationship with a violent partner. Your DD is counting on you to provide a safe, calm home. Can this be achieved with somone who acts like this?

I grew up in a house like this. 1 parent may have carried out the violence, but the other parent failed to put a stop to it & therefore allowed it to continue. Eventually it was too painful to have either of them in my life.

be brave (((((hug))))))

Bananapickle Tue 04-Jun-13 17:45:00

You're so brave. There are many women who wouldn't have done anything and gone for years in an abusive relationship. Well done for acting and I'm sorry your realtionship has come to this. All the best as you move forward.

Alisvolatpropiis Tue 04-Jun-13 17:45:53

No you should not drop the charges. I hope you are leaving him.

3littlefrogs Tue 04-Jun-13 17:51:03

I hope you have photographed the bruises and had it documented by GP or A&E.

WilsonFrickett Tue 04-Jun-13 17:51:17

YANBU, at all, and I hope you have also told him to leave your home?

If you need an answer for the fucking idiot apologists around you, ask them to imagine what would have happened if your DD had been in your arms when he kicked you?

Stay strong. I think you are amazing for reporting x

EagleRiderDirk Tue 04-Jun-13 17:56:42

It would be such a shame for him to have a criminal record eh? But not a shame that he caused you injury? He deserves a criminal record for what he did. Your family are being very very unreasonable.

AnyFucker Tue 04-Jun-13 17:57:53

It is no longer your choice to make, love

I hope you are ending your relationship

phantomnamechanger Tue 04-Jun-13 18:10:32

OP, you have already been very brave by acting immediately and doing exactly the right thing. Not trying to analyse and see what you did wrong, or excusing him because he was drunk, or convincing yourself he's not like that really.

As everyone has said, what would these relatives be saying if you had been attacked randomly in the street or pub? Would they also want him let off he he behaved like this to someone in the street?

Too mnay times we hear on here and in the news of women who think it's a one off, think he loves them really and will change, etc etc. Think any man is better than no man.

This is a wake up call. get away before you become so used to this sort of thing that you can't see how it's escalating and live everyday wondering if today will be the day he hurts you again. You owe it to yourself and your child to get this man out of your life and ignore anyone who says otherwise.

I am so sorry you have had this massive shock and all that it entails. You will get loads of support and advise on here.

stay strong flowers

OnTheNingNangNong Tue 04-Jun-13 18:19:05

YADNBU. Not at all, you're protecting yourself and your DD. He deserves his conviction and everything that goes with it.

Good luck OP flowers

kungfupannda Tue 04-Jun-13 18:30:59

Please, please do not withdraw your statement.

I am a defence lawyer, so I represent people in the position of your husband and I know just how frustrated the CPS get when some violent arse strolls out of court because their partner decides not to go through with it. Not frustrated with the partner, because they know perfectly well that there are all sorts of reasons why people decide to drop a case, but frustrated because they know they will go back and do it again.

MikeOxard Tue 04-Jun-13 18:41:19

Yanbu. Ignore any stupid arses, you don't owe this shithead anything, far from it. He is a criminal, there are laws against what he did for good reason, you should NOT protect him from the law. He deserves a record, and a lot more besides.

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