To think I shouldn't bloody drop the charges even if the bugger is my husband...?(371 Posts)
H and I have been having problems for a while. I have just started to take on more work following the birth of DD (now 1yo). I have tried to persuade him to go to couples counselling but he refused as he thought it would end up with him being criticised by the counsellor as well as by me (surely an indication that he knows he wasn't being great?).
Quick background point: he goes out every week with his mates and I babysit and then take care of DD the next day so he is not starved of a social life - he also goes out as and when parties come up; I have moved work projects around to accommodate this.
He was invited to a party on Saturday and double checked I was OK with him going - I said of course but I needed to work on Sunday (fyi I had put off all my work until the weekend to make sure he had last week free to work on the understanding I could work at the weekend - we didn't want to use childcare).
He said fine, he would be home early and sober enough to be in a fit state to look after DD properly first thing on Sunday morning.
Cut to Saturday night: I was woken up at 3:30 am by a tremendous banging from downstairs. I thought someone had broken in but no, it was H so drunk he was bouncing off the walls. I had a MASSIVE go at him and let him know exactly what I thought about his behaviour.
He shouted vile things at me and then kicked me. In the chest. Hard. Then went to sleep.
Worried about what he would do if he woke up again before sobering up, I called the police (once I had picked myself up, ascertained nothing felt broken and got my breath back), he was arrested and, once sober, interviewed when he admitted what had happened. He was charged with battery and bailed on condition that he doesn't come near me or DD or the family home.
Most people have been very supportive BUT some close family members have told me I should drop the charges because it would be awful for him to have a criminal record.
So, and I promise I won't be offended, please tell me honestly AIBU to think the fucker deserves to be convicted because what he did was ACTUALLY CRIMINAL?
Am I missing something?
I am genuinely confused by some people's reactions so if you agree that I should drop the charges, that's fine but please can you explain why?
YANBU. If he doesn't want a criminal record then he shouldn't carry out criminal behaviour. I'm so sad that in this day and age there are still people who can somehow think that it is less criminal for a man to kick his wife in the chest than it would be for him to kick a complete stranger.
Please don't give in to the pressure. I suspect he has been playing the sympathy card to other people, and turning it round to make it look like he is the victim.
Being drunk is not an excuse. If you get that out of control when drunk then regulate yourself by not getting drunk enough to enter that state simple as.
Sod him, he lost the right to any welfare concerns when he kicked you in the chest
But could there be any disadvantages for you?
Is it possible that you could lose out financially? Does he work? If so, would his employer continue to employ him after criminal conviction?
Do you have a lot of joint assets - house, business etc? Would securing a criminal conviction be advantageous to you in how these get divided?
I think you need proper legal advice here.
I started reading this, and thought he sounds EXACTLY like my ex -husband. A bully, and doesnt seem to want his life to change. I know I shouldnt make assumptions on a paragraph, but its the whole, he goes to a party and leaves you at home? WTAF.Where was your invite? My present DH would no more dream of going to a party without me than cut his ear off.
So you are making sure HE still has a social life, what about yours? Its like you are apologising for having your DD, that BOTh of you created.
If he can't do the time, he shouldn't do the time and kicking you in the chest, doesnt sound like a reasonable man, drunk or otherwise.
Get rid ASAP
you absolutely did the right thing. Black and white, end of story. Can't believe anyone would think otherwise.
please excuse me if someone has already said this, but it is not up to you to drop the charges, it used to work like that but doesn't any more. It is now in the hands of the police and the CPS. Tell your relatives to stick that in their pipes and smoke it.
Best wishes to you.
You are definitely not being unreasonable.
YANBU, you did the right thing. He assaulted you and should rightly face the consequences of doing so. Well done for being strong enough to call the police and see this through.
I'm amazed! Your DH kicked you/ goes out every week and gets drunk and the family think you're in the wrong? YADNBU that's disgusting. Please don't drop the charges.
YADNBU - and in fact, you are a very strong woman who is making the right stand here.
It's very unlikely that your H will receive a custodial sentence, if this is the first time he's been arrested/ charged with DA.
He will have a criminal record and if he's lucky, will be offered the opportunity to reflect on his abusive behaviours on a RESPECT course.
YANBU and it is entirely correct to keep things official, let him get a criminal record and force him to face up to what he has done and choose whether he wants to continue to be a violent person or to learn to deal with lifes ups and downs in an equitable and non-violent way.
Plus, watch this.
Wow, that must have been some kick to have floored you and given you bruises- what if it had been your head? Cannot understand how anyone could minimise this, nor could I have a man around me who did that. I'm so sorry, you are in the right, they are utterly in the wrong.
(especially from 5m45seconds in that film)
One more saying YANBU. I would ask those who tell you do drop charges 'So you think it's ok for a man to hit his wife, do you?' and when they stall and go 'Um, no, but', cut them off and say 'Good, because neither do I and neither does the law. That's why he's been charged with an offence'.
He sounds selfish as well as an aggressive bully.
I hope for your safety & your daughter's, you're seriously thinking about leaving.
You did absolutely the right thing to protect you and your daughter.
A criminal record is purely the consequence of his actions, not yours.
There is never any excuse for domestic violence. Ever.
Reading between the lines in your OP, the "abusive" behaviour has been ongoing for some time. You admit that he has been controlling you - demanding to be allowed his social life but denying you one.
This time, he was raging drunk and kicked you - what if next time you are holding your sweet DD?
He has been allowed bail with a no contact order. He was charged with battery, NOT assault. Common assault is the laying on of hands, battery means that he has caused injury.
If there are family members suggesting you drop the charges, they are far more interested in the family image and the assailant's reputation than in the rights and safety of the victims. They are not going to be supportive of you unless you bow to their whims. I'd venture to guess they are relatives of your H's?
If the domestic violence laws there are anything like they are here, even if you wanted to withdraw the charges you will not have that option. This has been put in place to protect the victims of domestic violence from being pressured into withdrawing their complaints. Remember that an order of no contact goes both ways - he can't contact you/enter the family home/have contact with your DD (even through a third party unless it is the police, social work or legal representation) and you cannot contact him, either.
You did the right thing, you are still doing the right thing.
Intoxication is not a defense. He may well end up with a criminal record... funny thing, that is often a side effect of committing a criminal act.
He deserves a criminal record. Tough shit on him, he shouldn't have assaulted you.
The next time a family member says something like that ask them if they would feel the same if it had been your daughter that was kicked? Or their daughter/son? Or their mum/gran?
Congratulations on being a strong woman and for showing a GREAT example to your DD.
YADNBU. You poor thing.
Press charges, leave the bastard, and be happier.
REally shocked that family members have suggested this - so sad for you OP - stay strong xx
He could have stopped your heart by kicking you in the chest. You and your DD had a near miss.
I wonder what these family members would be saying if they had to deal with a murder charge and an orphaned wee girl.
If you ever waver or they make you feel sorry for him please try and think that by charging him now you're giving him the chance to change before he truly ruins all your lives.
Like everyone else on this thread I think you've done the right thing.
"Press charges, leave the bastard, and be happier."
You and your baby deserve better. You did a very courageous thing by going to the police in the first place. Don't let any unreasonable twats in your life bring you down.
If you drop the charges you are basically telling him its OK.
If he's got it in him to do it once he's got it in him to do it again.
Hope you're OK
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