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To expect a +1 invite to a wedding, given I am a bridesmaid?

(94 Posts)
bridesmaidzilla20 Fri 31-May-13 14:33:05

Thank you for your advice and opinions, I'm trying hard to get my head around this one and move on!
I am a bridesmaid (one of three) for a very good friend. When I was asked she told me that my long-term boyfriend was also 'of course' invited (although she actually did not know him that well).
I was very pleased to be asked and have enjoyed going to dress fittings, 'bridesmaid get-togethers', organising the hen, pretending I like the hideous dress she wants us to wear and taking a week off work to help around the wedding itself etc. etc.
Eight months before the wedding I broke up with my boyfriend, and have since got together with a lovely guy, who has met the bride and groom several times. The wedding is three months away and invitations about to be sent out. I mentioned the other night that I wasn't sure whether my new boyfriend would be able to come to the wedding as his work rota is yet to be finalised.
At this point she said that there is no longer any space for me to bring a guest, but they would review the situation after sending out invitations and getting returns. I was really surprised, and said as much - wondering whether I had offended her in some way or whether she wasn't keen on my new boyfriend - she said no, it was just about space. For perspective, they are inviting 150 guests, so not a tiny wedding.
I'm really struggling to understand this, as the other two bridesmaids have +1 invites (although both living with boyfriends) and plenty of other guests have +1 invites......... Am I being unreasonable to expect a +1 invite as a bridesmaid?
I'm trying so hard to suck it up, remember this is her wedding and stop seeing things from my point of view. The difficulty for me is that I felt pretty special when I was asked to be a bridesmaid, whereas now I feel like I've sunk to the bottom of the priority list in my friend's mind.
I really upset her when I told her how I felt, and quickly apologised, but I would like to understand where she is coming from on this?

saintmerryweather Fri 31-May-13 14:34:36

yanbu, especialy since the other BM have +1 invites too, id feel snubbed

CSIJanner Fri 31-May-13 14:37:27

Personally, I think when you broke up with your long term BF, they allocated his place to another person. Ad you've now it her on the spot about the +1 and caught her out as maybe she was hoping that someone would decline so they could offer your previous +1 back to you. 150guests is nothing with large extended families.

YANBU - if the other BM are being treated to +1, then so should you as you were working from what she had informed you before, the bride should have taken you aside and advised you that they may have restricted space.

MrsBarlow Fri 31-May-13 14:37:28

Yanbu and I think it's good you told her how you feel - I'd feel pretty miffed and upset

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 31-May-13 14:40:10

Of course a BM gets a +1 when the wedding has 150 people.

HeirToTheIronThrone Fri 31-May-13 14:42:25

I agree with CSI - they probably allocated your ex's space to someone else when you broke up. It's very tricky - I was BM for my best friend and didn't get a +1, none of our friends did either, as her parents had insisted on so many random family being invited. But this doesn't seem to be the case here. One thing I would say is that does your new man know many people? As from experience you won't see much of him at all during the day, he'd have to maybe travel separately if the bride wants you to get ready with her - all things that might be a bit strange for him if he's no-one to talk to. Perhaps you could compromise and ask whether he could just come in the evening?

flowery Fri 31-May-13 14:42:30

If invitations had been sent between you breaking up with your ex and getting together with your new boyfriend, I'd have some sympathy with her.

As it is, it sounds like she was fully aware you had a partner when invitations were sent out, and should have asked you whether you'd like to bring him, and if not, then allocate your +1 place to someone else.

petra27 Fri 31-May-13 14:43:05

I had a biggish wedding, 170 odd people, not really the choice of DH or myself but a family thing. I invited about 30 of those, DH about 30, the rest were family invites, we were just given the written list, so the fact that this is a big wedding might not mean she has lots of space- if anything having a lot of people tends to mean families are contributing which tends to mean they get a lot more say over the invites that if the bride and groom are funding.

My guess would be that the final guest list for numbers was drawn up after you had broken up with your (previous) boyfriend and were single? She did not know you would be with someone by the time of the wedding and therefore didn't leave a space here?

It seems she would like to accommodate you if possible (saying if she gets returns the situation will be reviewed) so I don't think she is offended or dislikes your boyfriend. Usually 10% of invites get declined, so a space is likely to come up, but in any case you aren't sure whether your boyfriend would be able to come anyway, given his work rota, so I'd relax about it for now.

The bride is probably being pulled in a lot of different directions

You sound like a nice friend.

rockybalboa Fri 31-May-13 14:43:28

YANBU. Although I have NO useful advice at all about how you deal with it. Brides can be verrrrry precious about their guest lists...

petra27 Fri 31-May-13 14:44:21

PS when I look at my wedding photos, I think, who are all these people confused...

whatsthatcomingoverthehill Fri 31-May-13 14:44:30

YABU. Wedding invitations are a nightmare. They will be judged no matter what they do. If they invite your bf then they might get other people complaining about why their new partner hasn't been invited. Believe me, they will be doing their best to try and keep everyone happy. They have asked you to be a bridesmaid, which shows how much they think of you. The +1 is not a reflection on you at all.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill Fri 31-May-13 14:48:41

I should add, it's not unreasonable to feel miffed that your bf might not be able to come, but imo you should keep that to yourself.

Casserole Fri 31-May-13 14:50:34

How long have you been with the new boyfriend?

If she wrote her guest list after you split up with the ex, I can understand it tbh.

Casserole Fri 31-May-13 14:51:24

Also, what Petra said smile

EuroShaggleton Fri 31-May-13 14:52:55

It's not unreasonable to feel miffed.

The thing in your OP that really struck me though was the time off. Why on earth do you need to take off a week around the wedding to help? confused When I was the bride I only took the day before off, and that was primarily to pick my MIL up from the airport. I'm baffled as to what there could be for a bride and three bridesmaids to do for a week...

MaybeNotThen Fri 31-May-13 14:55:31

YA kind of NBU, because it is unfair if the others have an invite.

However, both times I was a bridesmaid my then l/t DP (now DH) didn't come with me. This was mainly because he didn't really know anyone. As bridesmaid it is all about being there for and supporting the bride, which would be pretty hard to do if you were worrying about your new boyfriend sitting at a table with people he doesn't know. And think about the morning getting ready - he might have to be billy no mates, and then would sit in the church by himself.

Seeing if he can come to the evening do might be a good compromise. But overall, you've agreed to be bridesmaid to be there for your friend, not to have a party with your new boyfriend.

dangly131 Fri 31-May-13 14:57:01

I am being bridesmaid to my friend next year and am helping her sort things right now. She is paying £100 per head for guests during the day and she is wondering where to draw the line when inviting ppl she has met once or twice or children who will leave half the meal. I suggested to invite partners if they are living together/married and she is keen to do so but still does not want to offend by leaving ppl out. I can see her point that paying £100 for someone's meal that she hardly knows or hasn't even met just because they are someone's partner is a huge expense and she is limited in numbers for the day to 100. She is having to decide which ppl to have a single invite so to ensure she can invite more of the ppl who are important to her. She does not want to upset anyone but cannot please everyone and this is causing a major headache for her.
I am getting a single invite and so are 2 other bridesmaids. 1 is getting a +1 as she lives with her b/f. I think you really have to understand there has to be a limit and to draw the line somewhere...
I would assume that your friend had your ex.p in the plans and then when you separated saw the opportunity to invite someone who had been left off the list. Can he attend in the evening?

Owllady Fri 31-May-13 14:57:39

i don't think you are being unreasonable either and I really don't think one person is that much of an issue tbqh

ActionLog Fri 31-May-13 15:01:34

The other BM's haven't been given a "+1" which implies they can bring anyone with them, they've had their long term live in partners invited. If you were single or in a very new relationship when invites went out, I'd have said fair enough not to invite him.

HollyBerryBush Fri 31-May-13 15:02:38

Weddings are expensive. I am assuming it is a traditional wedding with sit down? And both venue capacity and budget dictate.

In short, you had a +1 invitation for a long term BF. BF no longer exists. His +1 was recycled on the reserve list, probably on the assumption you would still be single.

When you are paying a lot of money for a day for your family and friends to celebrate with you, "randoms", although welcome for the evening, would irritate me if I were paying 50/60/100 quid a head for a sit down.

MaxPepsi Fri 31-May-13 15:04:53

YABU, although I understand why you are upset. I would have been.

However wait until you do your own guest list and you will find out how difficult it is to keep everyone happy.

ovenchips Fri 31-May-13 15:06:35

YANBU but as poster above said not quite sure what you can actually do about it, given you've mentioned it and it went down badly.

Let's hope bride de-loons and sees sense.

MintyChops Fri 31-May-13 15:08:23

I think it's a bit mean of her and I would be quite pissed off so YANBU.

WeAllHaveWings Fri 31-May-13 15:08:44

how long have you been seeing your new boyfriend?

(eight months before the wedding you split with your long-term bf, wedding isn't for another 3 months, so you only split from long-term bf 5 months ago?)

If you've only been seeing new bf for a couple of months (max 5) I think you are being a little BU. I would understand a friend not inviting a new (at the time spaces were allocated) bf and wouldn't take it as a snub.

MoonHare Fri 31-May-13 15:11:27

What MaxPepsi said.

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