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AIBU to be totally pissed off with my EXH??.....Maybe I am...

(17 Posts)
ChickenNoodleSoup Mon 27-May-13 10:31:04

*Gently dips toes into the AIBU waters, whilst trying to avoid a flaming. Please be gentle!*

Apologies for the rambling. I am literally still wafting away plumes of smoke coming from my ears so ire may overtake reason at some points....

EXH and I were married in the UK, separated and divorced abroad - let's call it country A - 6 years and 3 years ago respectively.

A year ago I asked his permission to move back to the UK with the children and he willingly signed a letter to this effect. His only stipulation was that he could slash the child maintenance by a third since the UK was so much cheaper than Country A. I did my sums and agreed, letting him know that because of the move and change of job for me, I would really be counting on this amount every month. He assured me he would not let the children and me down.

This past year has been wonderful for the children: they have absolutely flourished - both academically and socially - and no longer feel like the odd ones out as they did in Country A. I have two very happy piglets in muck here smile

As a compromise for their father not being able to see them every other weekend they have spent every holiday so far with him. Painful for me but the price I feel I have to pay for bringing them back here.

EXH has never set up a Direct Debit for the maintenance although this was decreed in the Divorce Papers. Every month he has made me beg for it and I suppose it became a habit. This past year he has moved from Country A to Country B, having given up an extremely high profile position to now spend his days fishing. Lucky devil indeed!!

Downside is that the maintenance has either been 2 months late, has fallen short or has not been forthcoming at all. When I have the temerity to ask for it I get called every name under the sun.

Bit of background on the last two months: I had a severe healthscare two months ago (luckily the children were with EXH at the time!!). This has resulted in a total breakdown for me - turns out the physical symptoms were a manifestation of sheer stress and PTSD. I have been seeing a counsellor and have actually only now realised (and yes, I am an intelligent woman!) how EA my marriage was and how EA the relation with my EXH still is.

They were supposed to spend this half term with him again. Flights were booked. Sadly, he has not paid the maintenance for May yet (March and April payments were short) and I did not have the money to take them to the airport. In the past year I have had to borrow money from friends etc because of his late or non payments and this time I refused. I have £10 to see me and the children through until Friday (totally doable since I luckily have food in the house) but that does not stretch to petrol to the airport.

I have had a barrage of verbal abuse via txt and he said he no longer agrees with the children living here and that he will not pay anymore maintenance this year since he has paid me £100 more a month (mean) than he has to according to CSA guidelines based on his current income. I can expect to hear from his lawyer and he will file for custody etc.

This is from a man who has bothered to speak to his children twice, yes TWICE, in the past five weeks!!!!

I AM FUCKING FUMING!!!!! He wants to be Fun Dad, not deal with any of the responsibilities and still claim the Father Of the Fucking Year Award!!!!

So....Very long story (sorry!!) short....AIBU to have not borrowed more money to get the kids to the airport and have kept them here instead??

squeakytoy Mon 27-May-13 10:34:37

How old are the children and how far away is the airport?

maddening Mon 27-May-13 10:36:05

Did you contact him and state you didn't have airport money and give him the opportunity to wire you the money?

Also I would seek legal advice about future contacts where the dc go abroad to stay with him.

ben5 Mon 27-May-13 10:36:10

I think you are right not to send them. Why should you borrow of friends because he hasn't paid. Who pays for the flights?

ChickenNoodleSoup Mon 27-May-13 10:36:44

The children are 11 and 8 and the airport is 2 hours away squeaky

squeakytoy Mon 27-May-13 10:39:06

Are the children upset then that they havent gone to see their Dad?

I can understand your frustration though.

ChickenNoodleSoup Mon 27-May-13 10:39:25

maddening Yes, I contacted him and explained the situation. According to him it was up to me to explain to the DCs that they could not see him due to "MY financial irresponsibility" :s

ben5 I paid for the full flights for last summer, autumn and Christmas. He said it was my doing they moved away etc so it was to me to pay them. Guilt took over and I spent my savings on the flights. Since this year he has agreed to pay half.

ChickenNoodleSoup Mon 27-May-13 10:41:10

squeaky The sad thing is the kids are delighted they are not going.....they have not spent a holiday in the UK since we moved here. Also, their relationship with their dad is fraught at the best of times.

Last year DS peed himself and EXH took to calling him "piss boy" for the rest of their stay.....They do miss him but not to the extent I would expect them to if that makes sense?

squeakytoy Mon 27-May-13 10:43:09

Hmmm, in that case, I wouldnt get too worried about it. He sounds horrible anyway. They will probably have more fun staying at home and spending time with their friends than being forced to see him.

Tell him if he wants to see them, he can get on a plane and book a nearby hotel.

Isityouorme Mon 27-May-13 10:45:04

YANBU .... What a twat! Stop paying for flights etc until he starts paying you on time and the correct amounts.

corlan Mon 27-May-13 10:45:41

The real problem here is that this man is still controlling and abusing you by messing you around with maintenance.

By refusing to set up a DD he has put himself in a position of power over you and tied you to him even though you have split up.

ChickenNoodleSoup Mon 27-May-13 10:48:27

I agree squeaky, he is not very nice.....He had promised the DCs that he would come over 2 months after we moved to see their new home, new schools etc and I actively encouraged that. We are still waiting for his visit.

For the first time ever I have not kept their dad on his pedestal and told the DCs that they could not go because he has not paid what he should be paying. DD huffed and said "Typical!". It breaks my heart.

Maybe I am most frustrated with the fact that I did not realise how EA he was to me and how he seems to be taking the same tack with the DCs. I can not and will not let that happen!!

LizaTarbucksAuntie Mon 27-May-13 10:49:14

No you're not being unreasonable.

FWIW, my DS goes to his father in a another country for half the school holidays (more or less) and pays for all his and DS's flights to do so (Court ordered) He also has to pay me £50 for transporting DS to the airport (again Court Ordered)

If it helps I'm happy to give you more information if you PM me rather than on here.

ChickenNoodleSoup Mon 27-May-13 10:51:55

corlan You have hit the proverbial nail on the head there!!! And I have decided that enough is enough and I will take no more of his BS.

I have never said a bad word about him to the kids but I am surprised and saddened at how much they remember.

This is the man who used to call me up at 3am, drunk as a skunk, and the following conversation would take place:
EXH: "Get me home"
Me: "Where are you, I will send a taxi"
EXH: "I'm under a tree"
Me:"..........not much I can do with that"
EXH:"You useless cunt, you can't even get your DH home!!!"

Tooearlyintheday Mon 27-May-13 10:52:51

Is there any way you could rejig your finances so that you're not dependent on maintenance for your and your DCs day to day living expenses? I've found that if you're trying to deal with a control freak ex it becomes much easier to deal with if you're not reliant on them. Obviously he's a knob but as long as he has some control over you financially he is not going to get any easier to deal with.

Re. the DC visiting him. If they're not fussed and it's too much strain on you financially then don't stress about it. Let him rant, tell him the way it is the. Refuse further conversation until he can keep a civil tongue in his head.

Hope you have a lovely time with your DC flowers

ChickenNoodleSoup Mon 27-May-13 10:57:24

Liza Thank you! I will take you up on that offer later if that is okay? DCs and I are about to go catch us some crabs hehe! :D

Tooearlyintheday I am trying to. Sadly I had to take quite a bit of time of due to the healthscare and subsequent depression (diagnosed and all EEEEK!) and I have lost my job over it. Am in the process of frantically trying to secure another one (we should be fine until July) and am also looking into finding cheaper accommodation.....freedom is key in this matter I agree - I have to make sure I am no longer relying on his handouts.

Hi ho, hi ho....off crabbing we shall go!! I will be back later in the day and want to thank you all for your replies already. Makes me feel heaps better knowing that I was not being that U after all!!

AnneofGreenFables Mon 27-May-13 11:03:59

I think we might have the same XH!!!! I used to get the exact same phone calls and he says the same about having to drive 3 hours to see his child (my fault so I should pay his expenses despite receiving no maintenance!) They are cunt weasels.

Be proud that you escaped him and are bringing up your children away from his abusive behaviour.

Sorry I don't have anything practical to say but just wanted to assure you that YANBU smile

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