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to be sick of this but not know what to do?

(36 Posts)

DD1 arrived back from her dads. Beautiful day here, I asked her did she have a nice day.

She said no. It was boring. She couldnt go outside because Dad and P didnt have suncream. Then she goes on to say that they put suncream on the kitten before it went outside. Does cat suncream even exist?

This is two months after he reduced his monthly CM by £40. When I went to get DD the cat had a cone on. So had obviously been neutered. With what should be money for his child.

The last four months CM has been lower than we agreed. Its only £100 to start. Its been down by £40 twice and £20 twice. He has her two nights.

AIBU to think that if you cannot afford your own child you shouldnt get a new kitten?

AIBU to be annoyed that he cannot even buy her suncream, yet phoned SS on me because she was wearing odd socks one day.

And wtf do I do? Just suck it up and accept that I will forever do all the work but only get half the credit? Accept that the one day a year he takes her to funky monkeys is raved about but the days out and nice things I do weekly dont matter?

IneedAyoniNickname Sun 26-May-13 17:05:59

My ex has stopped paying maintenance because he can't afford it.
Yet in the last months him and his gf (who doesn't work before anyone says its her income) have bought a new trampoline, garden furniture, bits they need for their new baby, and went to the cinema today.

So no Yanbu to be cross about the situation,but sadly im yet to discover a solution!

IneedAyoniNickname Sun 26-May-13 17:06:36

*last month not months.

Souredstones Sun 26-May-13 17:08:31

I've had a rethink on the ex when he sat and explained just how much he is struggling as a result of the money the CSA has taken off him. They don't take into account living costs and, in his case, the 4 hour round trip he has to do to see the children. He is on an average salary but is so badly off he lives with his mum and can't afford sun cream. I solve that by packing some in a bag for them to take with them. Not hard really. You do the same when they go to school

ParsleyTheLioness Sun 26-May-13 17:09:31

This is aPITA for you.Can you go the CSA route?

HoHoHoNoYouDont Sun 26-May-13 17:10:11

Stories like this make me so angry.

carabos Sun 26-May-13 17:10:58

My ex paid virtually no maintenance for 12 years as he had to pay school fees for his new DD. He justified this to the court by saying that as he didn't see DS (his choice), then he shouldn't have to pay.

But it isnt school. Hes her parent just as much as I am.

And hes not struggling. He lives in a huge house, that he doesnt need I might add. I know how much his rent is too. Astronomical.

He never buys clothes or anything. So its not as though he is providing in other ways either.

Souredstones Sun 26-May-13 17:12:56

Just because he lives in a huge house doesn't mean he's struggling. Don't sweat the petty shit like this. Save your energy for the big battles

I could go CSA but he said he would fiddle it (hes self employed) so he would pay less.

What I mean is, if he can afford ridiculous rent for a house he doesnt need, the money is there. Hes just not putting DD on his priorities in the right order.

Souredstones Sun 26-May-13 17:17:20

That's not your problem though. Your concern is that your child is safe and well and if that comes at the cost of a bottle of sun cream so be it. She will grow up and realise who did what, kids aren't stupid, just don't keep fighting Over silly things like this as you will end up taking it out on her. (Not intentionally but you may be a bit short with her when you don't mean to be etc)

I consciously make sure I dont take it out on her. But I know what you mean.

Its just the final straw really. These past few months have been little things like this over and over. On fri past I phoned him to say that the info day for primary school was in june. His reply "Well, I am working." then he reluctantly agreed to go. He has notice, he chooses his hours. Yet I have to encourage him to go to these things. It just makes me sad for DD and angry for me.

MagicHouse Sun 26-May-13 17:31:46

She will grow up and realise who did what, kids aren't stupid, just don't keep fighting Over silly things

So agree with this. Over the past two years I have stopped getting into any petty "arguments". I never rise to things he says - I'm just polite. And my life is so much less stressful for it. Just concentrate on YOUR relationship with your DD, and making that a safe/ harmonious one (as far as you can with children). Some battles you can't/ won't win.... and just aren't worth getting stressed over.

Booyhoo Sun 26-May-13 17:33:37

you have my complete understanding and sympathies. i am going through very similar with exp and i dont have any answers. i'm trying to get it sorted through CSA but he has kicked off massiveley and we cant even look at each other now, it's so hostile. i dont know what to do to fix it.

the only think i can suggest is whether he's her parent or not, he's clearly got other priorities (suncream on a cat!!!) so you'll just have to make sure she has some with her.

I have given up trying to win. I just quietly seethe to myself now grin

Booyhoo Sun 26-May-13 17:56:43

i would really love to see how they apply suncream to the cat confused

LineRunner Sun 26-May-13 18:05:09


They have been good with me, and I don't care what ExH thinks any more. He shouldn't have tried to be so controlling.

ShellyBoobs Sun 26-May-13 18:29:53

Don't sweat the petty shit like this.

...just don't keep fighting Over silly things like this...


I don't think that OP's ex reducing maintenance payments by £40 per month, on a whim, is 'petty shit' or a 'silly thing' to be fighting over.


Souredstones Sun 26-May-13 18:31:47

It is when it can all be handed over to the csa to deal with

Me too booyhoo. Maybe it was just cream for something else but DD is adament it was suncream and that the kitten/cat got it on so it could go outside.

MagicHouse Sun 26-May-13 18:42:53


I don't think that OP's ex reducing maintenance payments by £40 per month, on a whim, is 'petty shit' or a 'silly thing' to be fighting over.*

No, the petty shit is thinking about whether or not he should have a kitten, or giving any thought to him calling SS over odd socks (because if he really did that they would have him down as a petty, bitter ex stirring up trouble - since when were odd socks a problem????) or worrying about him taking their dd to funky monkeys once a year (because, as someone else said, she won't be little for ever, and one day she'll be able to see that a once a year trip compared to daily love and care from her mum doesn't really compare)

The money thing is difficult obviously. If it's leaving you short, then try the CSA route, but if you can cope without it, I would distance myself from him. My ex is also self employed and probably "should" be paying more.... but we're ok, and it means a million times more to me to be living happy, separate lives than worrying about a few more pounds I could be getting every month. (Though like I said - if it makes things difficult, then of course fight for it)

Booyhoo Sun 26-May-13 18:49:28

is it a white kitten?

i cant imagine how uncomfortabe that would be for the cat. i would jsut keep the cat in and use the cream on dd to let her go out. unless it was specific cat suncream grin

Well, we dont rely on it. But not because we dont need it, more because we cant rely on it.

Up to last month we were on benefits while DP was jobhunting. So we absolutely did need it.

The galling part is when the exs mum says "shes a credit to you both." Eh? Us both? No. Just me. He creates more problems than he solves.

MagicHouse Sun 26-May-13 18:51:10

I must have more time on my hands than I should have (kids away this weekend!) - just googled pet suncream - lots of deals on ebay if you need any!! grin

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