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AIBU to think this is a deal breaker?

(236 Posts)
JustABitShocked Sun 26-May-13 13:32:21

I'm not going to give much detail, because I know the person in question lurks and occasionally posts on here.

OH and I are supposed to be moving in together at some point in the near future.
We both have children to previous partners, and yes.. We've discussed this in length before.

This morning, OH has blindsided me completely.
Apparently, there is now no intention of them ever being involved with my children, nor are they to stay in any home we make together.
This is not what we discussed previously.

I quote:
"I don't have a problem with you seeing them. As long as it doesn't affect my life"

OH has found it difficult to deal with me having children, even though they have one of their own.
It's now apparently expected that I have to be completely ok with living with their DC (which I am.. I've met DC quite a few times and we get on really well), but I'm asking too much for OH to be involved with mine...

I just don't know what to do.
It's really important to me that we are a family unit... Even if my children don't live with me.

I'm not expecting to suddenly go everywhere together. I know that it will take time and that it needs to be a gradual thing for everyone's sake.
I'm happy with that, it gives everyone time to get to know each other and adjust....
But... for it now to be a flat no, with no chance of it changing?

I feel like I've been stabbed in the back.
Advice please..

MrsCosmopilite Sun 26-May-13 13:43:00

Deal breaker. Better to find out now though. What a shame that you are expected to 'accept' their DCs but they are not willing to do the same for yours.

Loulybelle Sun 26-May-13 13:43:02

Just, its a huge deal breaker, if your expected to live with OH, then OH should love you enough to make an enough to bond with yours, i would refuse to have it any other way.

Mintyy Sun 26-May-13 13:43:04

Of course its a deal breaker! Why on earth do you have to ask? And what does their ages have to do with it, QueVes?

GoblinGranny Sun 26-May-13 13:43:39

The genders are irrelevant to me. If your children are adult, then it would be acceptable for your partner not to want to be involved, but like a house share, I'd expect my children to be able to visit, stay over and have a relationship with me.

So your OH will still see "your" home as "their" home when you move in, and call the shots.

Deal breaker.

pictish Sun 26-May-13 13:43:43

I didn't feel mislead - I understand why you kept it gender neutral.
I saw through it though.

OP in short - she's a fucking hag.

ItsallisnowaFeegle Sun 26-May-13 13:44:16

And actually, they are not "just somebody else's DC, they are the DC of the person she purports to love"!

It's quite a disgusting attitude and I personally don't think anything changes dependant on the ages of your DC. They are your DC, simple as!

Ragwort Sun 26-May-13 13:44:26

Total deal breaker, as Westie says, why do you even need to ask? Just be glad you found out before you commited to living together.

BabbleBitch Sun 26-May-13 13:45:12

Deal breaker. YANBU

GoblinGranny Sun 26-May-13 13:45:15

OP, you have indeed been stabbed in the back.
How long have you been in a relationship with this person, and I hope you don't yet have any children together.

Loulybelle Sun 26-May-13 13:45:19

Yeah also sensed the genders too, Pictish is right.

TheCutOfYourJib Sun 26-May-13 13:45:25

How long have you been together and how come you haven't met each others children?
Is the OH male or female? Not that it really makes any difference to my answer.
There is no way I could move in with anyone who wouldn't acknowledge my children, can't believe they would think this is ok to ask and can't believe you would still consider moving in with this person.

VelvetSpoon Sun 26-May-13 13:45:56

Deal breaker.

I assume at the moment you see your DC for at least some overnights? And your OH is suggesting you drop that completely when you move in together?

My DC live with me, but if I was moving in with a partner who had DC of their own, I would expect them to continue their current contact arrangements with their own DC, indeed I wouldn't want to live with someone unless both DC had met and were if not friends then at least on reasonable terms. It would be as important to me that both sets of DC got on, as it would be that I got on with his DC and he with mine.

I'd never ask anyone to give up their children, or expect it to be asked of me.

WorraLiberty Sun 26-May-13 13:46:09

I'd tell her to get to fuck

Find someone who actually loves you, because this woman clearly doesn't.

JustABitShocked Sun 26-May-13 13:46:12

Yes. I have to ask WestieMama..
I'm in bits. I don't trust my own judgement right now.

pumpkinsweetie Sun 26-May-13 13:46:30

Deal breaker, the attitude displayed against your children is a huge red flag.

GoshAnneGorilla Sun 26-May-13 13:47:24

Run, run like the wind, else your children will be posting on Stately Homes on later life.

No,no,no and a thousand times no.

pictish Sun 26-May-13 13:47:31

Worra is right. She doesn't love you. She's in it for herself.

TheCutOfYourJib Sun 26-May-13 13:48:43

Sorry slow typing.
She is a selfish cow and I would run like the wind.
Still surprised you need to ask.

pictish Sun 26-May-13 13:49:05

Awwww bless you OP - you must feel like you've been slapped in the face with a sledgehammer. You have my sympathy - I'd be devastated too.

As someone else said least she leaked her evil out before you signed on the dotted line.

GoblinGranny Sun 26-May-13 13:49:12

Of course you are in bits, if you felt ready to move in with this person, you must have been feeling happy and positive about your future together.
What on earth do you think made them say this? Did they always intend to lay down these rules, or has something else tipped the balance.
If it's the former, then you have been deceived all along. sad

Badvoc Sun 26-May-13 13:49:22

Deal breaker.

Loulybelle Sun 26-May-13 13:49:47

It almost sounds like she doesnt want living reminders of you having a life before her, jealously at its very best.

Run like the wind.

jacks365 Sun 26-May-13 13:49:57

Deal breaker for me. What would also be a deal breaker is a dad who didn't bother with his children. There are plenty of people who would welcome you and your children.

elfycat Sun 26-May-13 13:50:37

Gender is irrelevant and I didn't feel misled smile

It's always a deal breaker. Your OH wants you, and that means you now including all of your history that has got you to this point. We are the sum of all of our experiences.

I'd call it a deal breaker over an existing pet (allergies aside), over your child? Sorry but they have to go.

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