To be a bit pissed off with friend? Or does she have a point?(51 Posts)
Said friend has form for being a bit blunt. The sort of person who would tell you that you looked fat in an outfit (while other people might dress it up as 'it's not that flattering' kind of thing). So, you get an idea what she's like.
Was talking to her today about a man I've been seeing for a while, and that he wasn't ready to get into anything serious, etc, and she said 'that's probably because of what a state your house is'
to which I was , slightly thought she was joking
but knowing her, thought she might well be being genuine and she carried on to say she couldn't see any man getting involved with me long term, because they wouldn't be able to live in my house as it is, and no-one would want to do the amount of work that's needed to someone else's house.
My house is a state (unfinished DIY project) but I didn't think it was that bad. (I also don't at all think it's a factor with this particular man but that's perhaps rather by the by) However I am a bit worried maybe I have lived with it so long I have no concept of what is normal. And one of my Ex's big things that he always put me down about was the state of the house and garden...so am left feeling a bit uncertain now really.
It seems your friend is bluntly echoing what you've told her other dates said about your house in the past. It would put me off to date someone with a house like yours - I would want to muck in and help finish it and it would definitely be an indication of mismatched personalities that the other person could live in diy limbo for years.
Interestingly, I was looking at buying my first flat while dating. Got one that needed lots of decorating DIY that I had planned to do myself. The man I started dating about then looked completely relieved once he realised I didn't want him to come over to "help" out on weekends as he hated DIY. Married him in the end and guess what we argue about a lot - DIY :-)
Surely one of the first things you want to find out about any man you might consider sharing your life with is whether you are on the same level regarding tidiness.
I couldn't possibly live with a man with any tendencies to OCD or even ordinary meticulousness, and would want to be warned in time: I certainly wouldn't take it as an incentive to start pretending I was different.
Dh and I have things that haven't been finished about this house though we've been living here 20 years. It doesn't mean we are generally disorganised people: just that we don't prioritise DIY. Being married to somebody with very different priorities would be a nightmare for either of us.
I have the kind of DP who notices but doesn't mind. When we first met I was ashamed to show him my bedroom because it was a bit of a state, but now he loves it. Any good man would react the same way!
Don't think your house will have any effect on a man...unless your bed is covered in teddy bears and dolls
Your friend is being ridiculous, over a potential boyfried, but when I was growing up our house was in a similar state, my dad would start DIY projects then abandon them.
For years we didn't have carpet or curtains and peeling paper on the wall and I was so ashamed and embarrassed by the state of the house, that I'd never ask anyone to come around. My dad seemed blissfully unaware of this.
Having lived through two house renovations myself (the first one after my ex left having gutted the house then spent 6 months doing very little else, even though I was working to support us both so he could finish the work), it would put me off a relationship with someone if they lived in an unfinished house without working towards completing it, or even having a plan to do so. It would make me think that that person was not pro-active, was disorganised and couldn't be bothered to put in the hard work to finish the project.
I second what others have said about getting legal advice regarding fixing a valuation now, or at the very least doing the work that will add little in the way of value. Make sure the rooms are tidy and do what painting you can. If you are waiting for flooring to go down, large cotton dust sheets laid out taut are better than nothing.
I don't like people who say whatever rudeness floats into their heads and when called on it, pull the "I was just being honest" routine. Never mind being unkind, what she said was also unnecessary (as why would you want a man who just wants you for living quarters?) and unhelpful (as given your divorce circumstances you can't do much about it anyway).
If it was necessary or useful for you to have this said to you, there would have also been a less offensive way to put it. Ditch her. You have enough stuff to worry about at the moment without having to put up with a "friend" who thinks she can speak to you as nastily as she likes.
Your friend has some funny ideas! A man won't want to have a long term relationship because of unfinished DIY? If you had plastic sheeting for windows and a bucket for a loo I could understand. You've done what you can given your circumstances. She sounds rather insensitive. If she mentions it again I'd say 'That's an interesting point, I'll give it some thought' and move on. Some people are thoughtless and it's best not to dwell
Ok fingers crossed he accepts and you can draw a line under his involvement soon. The unfairness of divorce laws never ceases to amaze me!
Ah ok then.
Well, regarding your friend's comment i would appreciate her honesty if she said that she is concerned about ME living in an unfinished house, or my children not being able to have parties and playdates or if the situation meant that i might be depressed and not able to move on etc (i'm not saying that the above apply to you btw).
But what she says is that the man wouldn't have a perfect domestic set up!!! A perfect ready house waiting for him!!! Ha! Which makes her sound a bit daft and probably old fashioned.
Did she offer her partner a ready house then? Did she have the slippers ready for him too?
I wouldn't worry about her tbh although it would be good if you sort out the house ( *for you not for any man*).
I should add, I spent a couple of years in a rather dead-end situation many years ago and afterwards, was a little aghast that no friend had said 'what are doing, this isn't good for you, you need to get out and move on to something better'. It was only passing comments by acquiantances that obliquely conveyed that message. Good friends were too tactful, considerate or supportive. That's a really difficult line to tread as a friend; say what you think needs to be said and risk losing a friendship, or be complicit in supporting a disadvantageous situation.
Your friend though, just sounds massively tactless and a bit self-centred. You sound quite together and clear-sighted, so I suspect the above isn't relevant at all!
well, its hard to say without knowiing you, her and the house.
I have a friend who is very honest, and I value her opinions as I know theyre always the truth. Same with my uncle - if he says something is good, he means it. If he doesn't like it, he says it straight out.
She's projecting her own ideas about your house and what she considers desirable.
If more astute, she may be expressing concern about 'unfinished business' with your ex and perceive the house as a sign that you're not ready to move on, from him, or from a state of despond you've languished in since his leaving (if that rings true). Getting the house sorted out might be a sign of moving forwards with your life generally, so being more ready for a new relationship but might also generate that feeling quite quickly and feel like a massive relief.
I haven't quite understood the payment situation. Surely you get it valued now and base any payment to the ex on that, so it's then irrelevant whether you then increase its value?
God that's awful. I DID have a friend who had a disgusting house - honestly it was awful - not because of unfinished decorating, though ...
Honestly, there is no prospect of me moving in with this man! Trust me on that
We are still very much dating, and no more than that; the conversation with my friend came up because I was talking to her about him, and how he wasn't ready to move things forward to a relationship - to which she then said it was the house being unfinished, he wouldn't see himself with me longterm because of that and so on.
It has made me look at the house a bit more critically though, which is no bad thing.
I wouldn't worry about it; people who live in pristine new builds sometimes aren't aware of how you can do up an older property and make money on it. And you hardly want a man with pound signs in his eyes, judging you on how nice a lifestyle you can provide him with! No genuine man would be phased by this, as long as you are clean and tidy. Which you are.
DH and I lived like this for several years while waiting for planning permission to extend our house and while doing much of it ourselves. It sold for 3 times what we bought it for. We could have bought a new build with a large mortgage, but now we have a tiny mortgage which will be paid off soon and a very good house. We did up two adjoining cottages prior to that, and I have fond memories of going out of one house and into the other, in the dark, in winter, because the one with central heating didn't have a functioning bathroom!
You shouldn't move imo with anyone anyway if the relationship is that new and you are not close. By the time you are very close, trust each other, sure about each other etc then the house doesn't matter.
If anything it could be a plus that the house needs work which means no memories from ex, new begining and new project with new partner.
But if it is too soon and too new relationship and you dont even know what he thinks then why moving him in?
I also agree with bookfairy.
I think the date who asked about who pays for my house actually said something like 'your Ex must be paying a fortune to keep you in a house like this'. Needless to say, once I'd explained to him that I was quite capable of paying my own way
and that it was none of his bloody business I never saw him again!
re paying for the house, I have made the Ex an offer earlier this year. He asked for £20k more. I offered another £5k and said that was the best I could do, last I heard he was thinking about it
and then went and bought a nearly new BMW for cash. I am expecting hoping for it to get resolved in the next 6 months, I know he wants to buy his own place so he will need my money.
As for selling, because it's worth so much less due to being unfinished, if I did sell now, the only house I'd be able to afford locally would be literally half the size of this.
That situation re the house though doesnt seem fixable, you are going to have to pay the loser, unless you can reduce it as he isn't contributing for the dc? Why not sell it as is and move on? Otherwise it's never going to resolve. I can be blunt but this seems a bit more than that, saying no man would put up with it is daft really.
Sometimes you do get so used to things, you forget to see things how new people would. Take a good look round with fresh eyes.
Ditto what bookfairy said. Unfinished decor, so what. Untidy/clutter/filth needs sorting in small chunks.
Sometimes honesty hurts but is a necessary evil from a good friend.
Someone actually asked you who pays for your house? Wow. He'd have been going home in no doubt about what I thought to that kind of bullshit question.
she carried on to say she couldn't see any man getting involved with me long term, because they wouldn't be able to live in my house as it is
Gosh. When did it become essential to provide boyfriends with a house to live in? Do they not have houses themselves any more?!!
unlike previous dates who have asked stuff like why I need such a big house, who pays for it (me!) and wouldn't I be happier in a new build
Not what I look for in a man - a desire to live in a concrete box needing nothing done to it. I like a man with practical skills.
That said, sometimes friends can see things you don't and perhaps she is concerned with the lack of progress on your house, and was trying to give you a kick up the bum. But I would do it for you, not with the idea of providing some man with a house to live in!
There's definitely not mouldy food/rubbish everywhere. It is quite a dusty house but I always have a good hoover and polish before anyone comes here! Upstairs is a bit untidy, that's mainly because of it being unfinished/lack of storage etc - I have lots of stuff in plastic storage boxes, clothes hanging on overdoor hooks, that kind of thing.
Based on what BookFairy said, I'd change my mind and agree that unfinished decoration is fine but jumble/uncleanliness is not. I suppose I associate unfinished projects with hoarding and general domestic disarray - not necessarily always the case.
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