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To not want anything to do with ex-friend and his child?

(62 Posts)
TheSmallClanger Wed 22-May-13 22:34:21

Situation has been rumbling on for several months now.

Close friends of ours have recently split up. The husband had been having an affair for 3 of the 5 years of his marriage. The OW became pregnant and he left his wife.

Since the split, I've not wanted to have anything to do with him. Basically, he isn't the person I thought he was. He has been lying to us all for a long time and has been vv cruel to his stbxwife - he has done a u-turn on wanting children and is now bleating on to anyone who will listen that stbxwife was trying to "deny him" fatherhood. The OW is much younger than him and he was in a position of trust when they met. It leaves a bad taste.

The baby has recently been born. I am still avoiding him, as is DH, although he has contacted us a few times trying to bury the hatchet.

It has been sad and regrettable, but DH and I felt we were doing the right thing.

However, other mutual friends think differently, and I have had one such talking to me today, and she told me I was being very unreasonable not to see the baby, as it is hardly her fault. This feels like guilt-tripping and I don't like it. Apparently, several people are going to the christening, and this friend thinks DH and I should go (we were invited).

My instinct is no, and to drop this man from our social circle. Am I actually BU?

LemonPeculiarJones Fri 24-May-13 10:01:52

Good plan, OP.

What a scumbag he sounds. And the 'liberal' friend is an idiot.

Sometimes it can take ages to find out what our friends/acquaintances are really like!

TheSmallClanger Thu 23-May-13 22:28:09

Thanks for the replies and support.

DH and I will not be going to the christening, and will keep continuing to decline any advances our former friend makes. We remain friends with his former wife - they were both originally friends of mine through work and I have known them since the time they met. The "liberal" friend also dates from this period.

Former friend has apparently narrowly avoided losing his job completely, although I don't know the complete story. I have heard that he is not allowed to teach first years any more and has had his teaching caseload dramatically reduced.

NotSoNervous Thu 23-May-13 14:27:01

YANBU. Your right it does leave bad taste and of just move on and forge about him

shewhowines Thu 23-May-13 14:21:42

I wouldn't react to him having an affair. Nobody knows what goes on in a relationship etc and it's none of my business, but I couldn't get past the lying. A short period of lying - perhaps, but to be lied to for three years and to witness him lying to stbxW for 3 years - no no no.

DontmindifIdo Thu 23-May-13 14:19:56

YANBU - I'd tell your mutual friend that you don't consider him to be a friend anymore so his children are no more of interest to you than the children of someone who lives 4 streets away you've never talked too.

In my experience, men who can treat their wives as bad as this (cheating on her for years), generally have a view that what they want is more important than behaving well to other people - so when push comes to shove, they won't flinch at screwing you over too. When it comes to friends, if you are getting enough from the relationship to make it ok to be friends with someone you know can't be trusted, then keep them in your life, but I'm guessing this man doesn't bring enough to the table to make being friends with him worthwhile.

You don't need to be friends with anyone, just cut him out. Be polite at events when mutual friends invite you, but I would consider him to be friend of friend, not someone in your life.

quesadilla Thu 23-May-13 14:10:14

YANBU. The argument about it not being the baby's fault is a total red herring. The baby will hardly notice the absence of two former friends of its dad who it never met...

BlingLoving Thu 23-May-13 13:59:38


But I'm confused by your friend who seems to think you should still be friends with this man. is there some particular history here? Were you originally friends with him or the exDW?

DH had a friend who had an affair. Naturally, we were horrified and it definitely affected our friendship with the friend. But DH and this man had been friends since they were 12, and the friendship was so long term and entrenched that DH did not feel he wanted to end it so in a situation like that I can see why your other friend might feel that way.

Having said that, while I understood why DH didn't want to end his friendship with this man, I also would have completely understood if he did.

mummytime Thu 23-May-13 09:44:25

There are Universities where having a relationship with a student is a sackable offence (regardless of the ages). There are cases of where a past relationship with a student (even when it wasn't frowned on) has blighted a future career move.

Even if he hadn't been married he should have had the moral decency my FIL did. As a post-grad student he supervised some classes, and was attracted to one of the students. He didn't ask her out until she was no longer part of his class (and eventually married her, she was DHs mother).

OP you can choose who you want to be friends with, and I wouldn't want to give into blackmail of any kind.

BAUagent Thu 23-May-13 09:09:37

YANBU at all. My BF's husband cheated within the first year of marriage (they had been together for 6 years before marrying) and actually pretended to be going on holiday with mutual friends before literally ditching them at the airport to go off with the other person. This went on for months. We were also close friends and I knew about many nights out he was on with these other 'friends' and it was only months later we discovered he was cheating on all of those occasions. After they broke up I did try to keep in touch for a while as I didn't want to lose the friendship, but the fact of the matter was he broke my BF's heart and he lied to me consistently, made me feel like a fool. I could have gotten over that possibly but not the way he treated my friend. I eventually sent him a message explaining that too much had happened for our friendship to continue but that I wished him well (even though I didn't really grin ) and felt so much happier to have drawn a line under it. Although my BF would never have asked me to cut him out I also know they are much more comfortable having no ties whatsoever to him now.

WinkyWinkola Thu 23-May-13 09:08:46

Tolliver, I didn't say you thought it was right or professional.

I said I thought it wrong and unprofessional. I'm sure you do too.

burberryqueen Thu 23-May-13 09:02:58

go with your instincts and drop him, offer the ex your friendship instead.
what an arsepiece.

MummytoKatie Thu 23-May-13 08:57:22

Agree with Tolliver. The "icky ness" of this is much greater if he's supposed to be providing 1:1 pastoral support than if she is one of 200 students snoozing quietly at the back of a lecture theatre.

The only thing that would be worse than if he was her tutor is if there was continual assessment and he's been marking her work.

FWIW we have stayed friendly ith both halves if a couple that split up due to infidelity. Although It was a one off incident rather than a three year affair. But I see nothing wrong with what you have decided.

LessMissAbs Thu 23-May-13 08:40:23

Its an interesting question, but I agree with the poster above who says she admires people who don't tolerate shitty behaviour from others.

I think if society in general does tolerate shitty behaviour, the boundaries of whats acceptable and what is not come down.

I'm in a similar situation myself, except no DC has been born - instead the man in question has moved in with a very much younger woman (a teenager when he met her), and has started to "mould" her into what he wants her to be - paying for a personal trainer, paying for her to go to evening classes although she has literacy problems and can't cope, telling her what she can wear, etc.. Another friend got her a job in his company which she is unqualified and inexperienced to do, and she cannot do the job (I have to deal with her occasionally and feel sorry for her). Its so creepy, no, they have done nothing illegal or wrong (except discriminating against the other candidates for the job), but I'm now left thinking they are not the men I thought they were, and what on earth do I say to this woman socially.

I've also had the DP in question trying to use me to make things look better, and to be friends with his girlfriend, and I'm contemplating dropping them, I'm just not comfortable with it at all. I think treating an ex-wife badly and having an affair with a student is really reprehensible behaviour, and YANBU to show your disapproval by withdrawing your friendship.

RubyGates Thu 23-May-13 08:25:42


And he'll do the same thing again. Because he can. I hope OW realises this.

TolliverGroat Thu 23-May-13 08:20:38

It depends on the university, but certainly at some places a tutor has a measure of pastoral responsibility for the student, is supposed to meet with the student regularly, and is intended to be the student's first point of call in getting advice on personal matters. I know some places with a tutor system have that role filled by a lecturer from a different faculty, but some others combine academic and pastoral responsibility. A lecturer might teach the student for one term only and could easily never be in a group of less than a hundred with her her in a professional context.

I don't recall saying that either was right or professional hmm. But a tutor shagging a student for whom he or she has pastoral responsibility I would normally have expected to be summarily dismissed for gross misconduct while a lecturer shagging a student for whom he had no pastoral responsibility and with whom he had no ongoing academic relationship might get away with getting his knuckles rapped, having a close eye kept on him and being told not to do it again.

TroublesomeEx Thu 23-May-13 07:15:28

I wouldn't want this man near my teenage daughter either. It sounds like he has a somewhat 'flexible' moral compass.

He's lied to you for 3 years - you're right, he's not the man he thought you were.

ApocalypseThen Thu 23-May-13 07:03:42

Sounds like this man abuses every trust. I wouldn't go near him.

plentyofsoap Thu 23-May-13 06:27:34

You really do not want someone like that in your life. He did not care that he lied to his family and friends and he should accept the consequences of this. If he keeps contacting you perhaps just be honest with him? You are not being hurtful just truthful?

Lastofthepodpeople Thu 23-May-13 05:55:04

YANBU. DH had an affair years ago and we split up. We've since reconciled and worked through it, but I know he was shocked at the time at the reaction he got from his friends.
I think having good friends tell him he'd been behaving like a knob definitely opened his eyes.

Riddo Thu 23-May-13 05:53:20


WinkyWinkola Thu 23-May-13 05:39:44

TolliverGroat, please elaborate on the differences between a lecturer-student relationship and a tutor-student relationship.

IMO, it's deeply unprofessional to start shagging the student in either circumstance. Never mind the rest.

Op, yanbu.

I can't understand why friends of mine are still pally and civil to the h of another friend of mine who had an affair and punched her in the head!

ComradeJing Thu 23-May-13 02:07:27


But do stick with the exwife. MY DF was an abusive twat when my parents split and it was surprising and very sad that so many joint friends dropped my mum when they split.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 23-May-13 01:36:05


Someone who lies to you for 3 years is not a friend.

I have a list of behaviours of people I do not wish to be friends as i only wish to be friends with people who i actually like value and feel friendly towards they are very simple

Perpetrators of child abuse
Perpetrators of domestic abuse
Sex offenders
Anybody who preys on vulnerable people.

If a friend does any if the above they cease to be a friend. You get to decide what your personal rules are.

TolliverGroat Thu 23-May-13 00:48:40

There's a distinction between lecturer-student and tutor-student, I think. The responsibilities of a tutor are quite different from those of a lecturer in some significant ways.

KatherineLacey Thu 23-May-13 00:32:13

It's not the biggest issue, but I just feel it compounds it... Not surprised OP's h doesn't want him around their daughter

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