Worried about an upcoming stag do

[slightlybothered]

I feel really silly posting this as I'm normally very levelheaded about these things and not a jealous person at all. I have an amazing DP who is committed, loyal, caring and who really loves me. He travels a lot with his job and I always trust him - him being away is never a problem.

However, one of his best friends is getting married and the four of them (another friend and this guy's brother) are going to Marbella for 3 days for his stag do. My problem is... while I really trust my partner and I think he is very loyal and would never cheat on me, I know his friend is a cheater and cheated on all his previous partners. We've moved away and are not as close now so not sure what he is up to with his fiancee but, knowing what I know, I wouldn't trust the man for a day... He is the kind who gets all letchy when he is drunk - I remember one occasion when he got drunk and was all over his neighbour, right in front of his fiancee. It took someone to drag him away from her. His fiancee was so hurt and embarrassed. Yes - he is drunk when he gets like this but what kind of an excuse is it?

I know in my heart that he will see this stag do as his last weekend of freedom and will definitely try to have some "fun". DP reassures me that his brother who is a lovely and decent guy will be there to stop him and would never let him do anything stupid. The other guy going is also quite decent.

I feel so uncomfortable knowing that my DP will be going away with HIM for HIS stag do... he keeps telling me "you are with me, not him, don't worry about what he does". But I do... I worry that the entire weekend will be coloured by this guy's behaviour and I'm worried about what will happen... I know there will be strippers involved (always with this guy) and am not comfortable with it in general, especially uncomfortable now, knowing that he is the kind who would definitely do something if he had a chance.

Am I being stupid...? should I just trust my DP without worrying about what the other guy is up to? Hoping he will be outnumbered by decent guys? Why am I so stressed about it and so upset? I'm also pregnant which probably doesn't help as I'm more vulnerable and emotional these days...

[DaveDeeDozyBeakyMickAndTitch]

I understand your fears, but ... your DP sounds like he has a sensible head on his shoulders. If you trust him, then you have to trust him.

[treas]

Sorry but you don't trust him from the sounds of your post and with no apparent reason to boot.

Your Dp is your Dp he isn't the other guy.

You either trust him or you don't but why worry about something that will not happen if your dp is as decent as you think.

[AMumInScotland]

Are you worried your DP will be unfaithful, or just that he will not be able to stop his friend? I don't think you can spend your time worrying about what an idiot like that does - your DP isn't responsible for his friend's behaviour.

The friend's fiancee knows what he is like - she's hardly going to hold your DP responsible if his stag do ends up with him "taking the opportunity" to be unfaithful, which I agree sounds likely.

If he does, it's not your DPs fault. If your DP did the same then that would be his fault, but he can keep it in his pants if he chooses, whatever his friend is like.

[slightlybothered]

Thanks All. muminscotland I know it sounds silly but somehow I find it hard to trust him going away with this guy... because I know how this guy is, because it's a stag do and I know will involve a lot of drinking, strippers etc... in all the time we've been together, this is the first time I feel like this... I'm 37 so not just some little girl.
I know it's probably really unfair on DP who has never ever given me any reason to worry. Quite the contrary.
Perhaps I'm worried he will get very drunk and this guy will drag him into something... to make him part of the game... not sure
Perhaps it's also the fact that originally I'm not British although have been here for almost 17 years. I don't think I'm quite comfortable with the idea of stag do with obligatory strippers... A lot of my friends are Italian, Spanish, French etc... Stag dos seem to be a very British / American tradition, we don't really have them in Europe... and my previous partners were not British and didn't go to them... they might have gone for some pre-wedding drinks or dinner with friends, but not this going away for a few nights... and European men are definitely no saints but they don't do obligatory strippers and crazy weekends before weddings. We simply don't have this tradition.
I'm sure being pregnant and emotional doesn't help... but him going away for a few nights where I know he will end up staring at naked women as tradition requires makes me scared...

[BelaLugosisShed]

Why would a decent, non-cheating family man want to stay "best" friends with such a lowlife?
You can tell the measure of a person by the friends they have - your partner can't have much in the way of moral courage to continue a friendship like that. Marbella + strippers? Classy

[BelaLugosisShed]

Stag do's + strippers are not the norm in Britain either, neither are 3 day jaunts to sleazy places.

[slightlybothered]

this is my point bela... perhaps this is what is making me uncomfortable - that he is friends with him and what it means. He is not just a guy who made one mistake with one girlfriend, my DP told me he had cheated on all of his partners and they've known each other since uni.

It's quite ironic actually as my DP always says that you can judge people by the friends they have. Ironic, isn't it?

[AMumInScotland]

Many UK men don't go and look at strippers either, I know it seems "the norm" here, but there are plenty of men who choose not to. I do agree with Bela that if your DP is a decent man he needs to be rethinking his friendships.

But, unless your DP has a habit of being pushed into things when drunk, I wouldn't have thought that he would have sex just because others are doing it. Is he usually ok about his behaviour even when drunk? If you talk to him about how unhappy you are with the situation, do you think he will understand and be able to reassure you?

Personally, I would hate my DH to go to a strip show, or on this kind of stag party (though actually he'd not go anyway), but I would feel able to trust him not to be unfaithful to me if his arm had been twisted into going.

[BelaLugosisShed]

He is also supposedly a mature adult who should be able to say No to a strip club, I can't think of anything more pathetic than a man unable to say no to peer pressure, does he know how you feel about him partaking in the sex industry?
I find all this stag and hen do nonsense quite bizarre and all the "boys will be boys" crap is insulting and infantalising to all the decent men out there.

[curryeater]

OP, I think you have two worries here - what you think probably will happen -

"him going away for a few nights where I know he will end up staring at naked women as tradition requires makes me scared..."

and also what you think might, which is worse.

I think you can reasonably shelve the "might" and concentrate on what probably will, in the company of this friend, and say you are not comfortable with your dp going.

Say you are not comfortable with the "custom" (it is not traditional btw) of men going away for a few days with sex work at the heart of the trip and you do not want your dp to be a part of it. This is reasonable.

[curryeater]

Or just use your own words:

"I'm sure being pregnant and emotional doesn't help... but [you] going away for a few nights where I know [you] will end up staring at naked women as tradition requires makes me scared..." and add "so please don't go"

[slightlybothered]

Thanks everyone. DP doesn't know what the exact plan is but most of his other friends had strippers for their stag dos so, realistically, it will happen here too... I feel like many people (male mainly of course) are trying to make me feel that "everyone does it"... I'm so glad to hear that not all men do!

I may just ask him to promise me not to participate in anything like this. And have faith otherwise... he is not easily led at all and he is normal when drunk, no personality changes or unusual behaviours...

[MrsTerryPratchett]

You could be exactly describing my DH and his BF. It isn't just about what my DH's behaviour is. It makes liars out of all of us. Either DH lies to me (by omission) about what his friend is up to or I have to lie to his lovely DW about it all. We are all condoning repulsive behaviour and it makes me really uncomfortable.

He wanted to go to Vegas and another thing in the States recently. Thank goodness DH decided it was all too expensive. This friend is always trying to get everyone to go away for stags, birthdays, 'business'. He has another, more malleable friend to do this with now. Whose marriage is looking dodgy, no surprise there.

[WorraLiberty]

You really don't sound like you trust him at all.

If he's trustworthy, it won't matter who he's going away with will it?

[HoHoHoNoYouDont]

Totally agree with MrsTP
You could be exactly describing my DH and his BF. It isn't just about what my DH's behaviour is. It makes liars out of all of us. Either DH lies to me (by omission) about what his friend is up to or I have to lie to his lovely DW about it all. We are all condoning repulsive behaviour and it makes me really uncomfortable.

My ex mixed with people like this. He told me what his friends were up and I then had to mix with their partners knowing what filth they'd been up to. I never ever want to be in that position again.

[AKAK81]

In my experience of foreign stag dos there's generally lots of drinking and stripper/lap dancing action for those who want. Personally I'm not really into the whole lap dancing thing but its no issue to just hang out in the bar and drink (expensive) beer. Surely if it's not your DP's thing either then he'll just hang out in the bar whilst others are having private dances etc.

[specialsubject]

I am also wondering why your partner wants to spend 3 days and a lot of money with such an arse. That is more the issue.

[slightlybothered]

exactly... this is how I feel too and his wife is so adorable, pretty, giving and loyal. The last woman to deserve it.
DP told me that apparently his friend's ex girlfriend cheated on him when he was in early twenties and he was heartbroken. So he thinks he's been cheating on all his subsequent girlfriends to get back at her (or womanhood?? and until the age of 39...?) What a stupid male logic... I think all of us have been hurt in our lives at some point, in one way or another, and don't use it as an excuse to do the same to everyone else.
I think this chat and your comments are making me realise that the underlying problem here is that I just don't like this friendship... and don't approve of the guy and anything that comes with him...

[QuintessentialOldDear]

Are you sure you are not blaming an underlying distrust of your own dp on his mate? You think your dp is going to be influenced and take part in an orgy?

[MrsTerryPratchett]

They always have a story slightly. DH's BF was adopted, dad left, step dad was abusive, married too early to try to create a happy family. I DON'T CARE. Cheating on his wife is wrong.

[BelaLugosisShed]

Worra - why do you fail to understand that this is not about trust?
Op, could your DP stand and watch at his friend's wedding if he knows that his friend cheated on his bride with a stripper/prostitute and he was at the event that facilitated it ?
Participating in a stag event where cheating happens is condoning it, it's "male bonding" at it's very worst, secrets are kept from wives and girlfriends and it's very destructive when these things come out, which they inevitably do.

[slightlybothered]

Good question quintessential and I'm not sure how to answer it to be honest... all I know is that in all our years together this is the first time I feel like this, and only this guy's company makes me feel uncomfortable because DP's other friends are different and decent. He travels a lot with his job, for a few days / week at a time and it's never been a problem. He even went to Las Vegas for a work conference last December and I know they went to a strip club once on the last night. I didn't love the idea but didn't find it threatening in that company. But I know this guy will see everything as his chance to stray.
So I don't have trust issues otherwise. I really can't fully explain why I'm so uncomfortable this time... Instinct? No idea...

[slightlybothered]

ps. very good points bela - I hate this whole "what happens on a stag night stays on a stag night" mentality... or a licence to put it better... male bonding at its worst

[TheCatIsUpTheDuff]

If your DP is a decent guy, and you've given us no reason to think he isn't, then you don't need to worry. He won't cheat, and if his mate does, that's the mate's responsibility alone. It doesn't sound as though his brother and the other mate will be cheering him on.

You can limit how much contact you have with the friend, but it's not really on to stop DP going on his best mate's stag do. They're friends - that doesn't mean your DP agrees with everything he does - he wouldn't be the lovely man you fell in love with if he was just like his mate.

Have a good old grumble if you need to, but don't blame DP for his mates' offences.

[HullMum]

tbh, I wouldn't trust someone who wanted to go on a trip with someone like that. it will be his friend on the pull making things awkward at the very least. I think you can tell a lot about someone from their friends.