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Aibu to think the school should get involved even if dd "seems happy"

(29 Posts)
havingamadmoment Wed 22-May-13 01:33:02

Eldest dd is 8 . She has never had any friends, she has struggled to fit in. She just seems different to the other children. It's really hard to describe - she is friendly and chatty but can't get must past that she almost scares other children off. She is a lovely girl but over emotional and she just doesn't follow the Norms. For example the other girls in her class are into monster high but dd loves fireman Sam still, nothing wrong with that but she doesn't even try to fit in which marks her out for bullying.

She sings and dances to herself in the playground and again get made fun of. Not long ago she was pushed the the floor while a group of older children threw balls at her and kicked her . I was enraged but she just shrugged her shoulders. Children run away from her when she talks to them, refuse to talk to her and make fun of her every action. I have seen them, ds has seen them and her teacher has admitted it and yet dd doesn't seen to care she says she "loves" school because of the activities and seems oblivious to the fact that she is basically an outcast.

The school are saying "she seems happy" and won't really discuss the problems. I am worried that dd finds it so normal that she doesn't get upset. I an desperate to help her.

She is very clever and does well at work but her social skills are 0. AIBU to think the school should be stepping in even if she does seem happy, I am not there I can't do anything but complain -again. If she didn't "love" the activities I would have taken her out of school long ago but I am now getting upset at the schools lack of action over this.

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 22-May-13 01:37:42

Sorry for doing that MN classic but is she on the spectrum?

havingamadmoment Wed 22-May-13 01:39:15

Sorry I'm not sure what you mean blush

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 22-May-13 01:40:02

This. Girls are often not diagnosed.

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 22-May-13 01:41:36

Just that this sounds a bit like her, "Sometimes children with ASD seek social interaction but their attempts are naïve and awkward. There is little understanding of unspoken social rules and cues. For example, they might stand too close to someone when talking, avoid eye contact or hug someone they have just met. "

Apileofballyhoo Wed 22-May-13 01:49:06

I thought the same thing Mrs TP. It does sound like you need to get help with this OP.

havingamadmoment Wed 22-May-13 01:55:31

Some of those things do sound exactly like her (although others don't)

It's mainly social problems although she also struggles with things like not being able to ride a bike (she just can't balance) and being extremely forgetful. Also she copies people's accents terribly last year her teacher was Scottish and she started talking with a Scottish accent confused.

Her school are totally unconcerned because her work is good and she doesn't complain or get upset. I tried to talk to her teacher about it at her last parents evening but she just kept on about her reading level being good which frankly I don't really care about at the moment

Is there any way to find out if there IS something more going on and actually any advantage to finding out in terms of helping dd do you know?

SquinkiesRule Wed 22-May-13 02:02:32

Your OP sounds like a description of my 8 year old Dd. sad I worry so much about her.
Reading the list from the link she has many of the traits on there. <sigh>

• May be viewed as sweet, innocent or naïve, or a know it all and also may seem shy, quiet or solitary.
• Are often excellent readers and write complicated stories.
• May have poor handwriting and math’s skills and may struggle with colouring and drawing in a traditional way.
• More likely to play with dolls as friends or have intense imaginary friendships or immerse themselves in fantasy worlds.
• May not follow fashion or trends unless it relates to their intense topic of interest,
• Tend to dress comfortably due to sensory concerns and have a plain “wash n wear " hairstyle.

This is her to a tee.

I hope you can find some help for your Dd Havingamadmoment

SquinkiesRule Wed 22-May-13 02:07:22

Oh my, it's get more and more alike.
Dd can't ride a bike to save her life.
Completely forgetful.

Also works well in school able to read years ahead of her age. Her writing is terrible, her maths is just about keeping up, but she never complains, always has a smile, no one thinks she has any problem as she is compliant.
New one for us, she sees rules in black and white, another child broke a minor rule in front of her, she tattled, I asked why she got involved and got the girl in trouble (the child was upset about something and used a mild swear word) She said she had to tell, the child broke the rules.

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 22-May-13 02:08:14

I'm not in the UK so I don't know what the procedure is there (hence the late posts, it's 6pm here). Essentially you would need an educational psychologist or similar.

There is a great deal of advantage to knowing IMO. Particularly if it is ASD. Help, support but also understanding DD's unique gifts and challenges.

There are screening tools online but you need a professional. I only know a small amount because I have a family full of people with traits and saw a lot of it working for SS.

FWIW girls with ASD can do well because they seem to be able to manage the social stuff a bit better than the boys.


MrsTerryPratchett Wed 22-May-13 02:18:31

Also, the bike thing and the forgetfulness sound a bit like dyspraxia which can be co-morbid (sort of overlap) with ASD. Here is the wiki explanation.

HadALittleFaithBaby Wed 22-May-13 05:02:14

Oh that sounds like me in school! I just never 'got' how to interact socially. Difference was I hated it which made me try too hard!

As soon as you said about co-ordination issues/struggling to ride a bike I wondered about dyspraxia. I was diagnosed as dyslexic as an adult but I am very clumsy, struggle to pick up physical tasks (Took me 45 lessons to pass my driving test) so I have always wondered if I had dyspraxia tendencies too. I agree with MrsP, I think it's worth asking about an educational psychologist assessing her. Not to have a 'label' but to understand what her needs are. When I found out I was dyslexic lots of things fell in to place and I finally understood why I'd struggled so long (I was 21 and at uni). It also opened doors in terms of support and I got a support officer who taught me skills to manage not just my work but life in general. I still struggle at times but I'm much happier now in general.

KitNCaboodle Wed 22-May-13 05:38:17

OP, you've had some sound advice already. Please keep on pushing the school to do something. The way other children are reacting to your DD is not on, regardless of her seemingly not being upset by it.
Does she have siblings/cousins/neighbours she interacts with? How is their behaviour towards her?

changeforthebetter Wed 22-May-13 06:38:23

Thanks so much for posting this MrsTerry. DD is nearly 8 and lots of those things apply to her. Waiting for CAMHS appointment so will ask for their input.

BusStopWanker Wed 22-May-13 07:04:21

She sounds exactly like my dd1. She was finally diagnosed with ASD last year. You could go to your GP to try and get a referral to an Ed Psych or a Paediatrician I think. DD's school have been spot with her's but I think that's pushed more so because academically she at a 6 year old's level (she's 10). She actually has Dyslexia as well we now know, but her school pushed for diagnosis because of her academics rather than her social skills. you may find you have a fight on your hands if she's fine academically.

alpinemeadow Wed 22-May-13 07:17:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skippedtheripeoldmango Wed 22-May-13 07:37:19

You've more or less described my child: we got a referral from our GPRS as school was adamant that apart from dc being "quirky" everything is a-ok. Our specialist believes we're looking at spectrum stuff but doesn't think DC is going to fit neatly into a box.

As for your school allowing bullying of that magnitude to go on just because the victim "seems happy" - Important appalled. Its teaching her that its ok and normal for people to treat her ok that. Its not ok and its not normal: she deserves respect and consideration as much as the next child does. And what is it teaching those kids? That its ok yo treat others who aegis different in that way - they will be laughing on the other side of there faces when the law considers them adult enough to be punished like adults in a few years' time.

Pozzled Wed 22-May-13 07:42:14

OP, I am really angry with the school on your DD's behalf. How dare they say that it's not a problem for the other children to act in that way? The things you describe (children running away, making fun of her etc) are downright cruel. Even if your DD doesn't seem worried, it is very wrong for it to be allowed to continue.

It will teach your DD that it's ok (and normal) for people not to show her any respect. And it will teach the other kids that it's fine to make fun of people who are a little different and may be vulnerable.

I would start detailing every incident (ask your ds to help). Report each one to the school and ask them how they intend to deal with the bullies. Be firm, don't let them drop it or brush it aside.

I would also follow the advice above about contacting your GP to see about a referral or assessment with an Ed Psych. Normally the school would be doing this, but they don't seem to care about your DD at all, do they?

Dawndonna Wed 22-May-13 07:42:59

Echolalia (copying noises and accents) is a very common ASD trait, the accents seems to be more pronounced in girls.
The school are being lazy, they should have instigated both investigations and a plan of action to ensure her safety (happy or not) when this started. Go in, talk to them and keep mentioning the safety aspect, that should frighten them enough to get off their backsides.
Good luck.

Dawndonna Wed 22-May-13 07:43:54

Oh, I have one ds and two dds on the spectrum. They are 18 and 16(twin dds). High achievers and happy.

Pozzled Wed 22-May-13 07:44:21

X-post with skipped!

CloudsAndTrees Wed 22-May-13 07:56:35

madmoment I hope you are ok, it can't be easy to read a bunch of strangers on the Internet introduce the idea that your child might have some form of ASD.

I have to say though, I thought the same on reading your OP. Ask for a meeting with the SENCO at school, with either the head or class teacher present and say you want her to be assessed. They might be able to get someone from the LA to come and observe her. You can also go through your GP at the same time.

Your dd sounds a lot like my ds who has ASD. It becomes much easier when you know what the issues are because then you can target your support for your dd in the right areas and understand her better. It could also help her understand herself better, which will make things easier for her.

cansu Wed 22-May-13 08:04:38

I don't think school can get your dd diagnosed. They are unlikely to get an ed psych in to assess her as they will say she is happy and it isn't interfering with her educational progress. I think you need to go to your GP and ask for a referral to a developmental peadiatrician. They will need input from the school so perhaps you could ask the senco to write a report for you detailing what they have noticed about her social difficulties in school which you could then take along to the appointment. Are the school punishing the unpleasant behaviour of the other pupils? Just because your dd doesn't seem to care doesn't mean thy shouldn't act to protect her.

rainbowsprite1 Wed 22-May-13 09:25:08

Hi OP, your post could be describing my DD. The school SENCO & GP have referred us for an assessment by a developmental paediatrician for possible Aspergers.

Sorry to be another one saying the same thing, it can't be easy to read. I know how I felt sad

Maybe push for an assessment for her, if there is something there it will be flagged up & at least you will know one way or the other.

please PM me if you have any further questions about this.

mummytime Wed 22-May-13 09:34:47

I would suggest you go to your GP and ask for a referral to a Paediatrician.

I would also make a huge fuss at school as they are failing her in safeguarding. You could also contact your local parent partnership if in England. School is supposed to be about more than academic attainment.

I also thought from your OP, pretty much straight away of ASD, so do not let anyone of you off until you see a specialist.

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