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not to cook dinner for dh?

(77 Posts)
AmberSocks Tue 21-May-13 22:20:31

dh has been on at me for ages to cut his hair,i really dont want to,im not a hair dresser although ive done it a couple of times before and its looked ok,it was only by chance i think.he wont go to the hairdresser because he says he hates having to make conversation with them.....,hes very anti social.

tonight he came dwnstairs and he had shaved his head,grade 8 on top and 4 underneath and told me now he had done that i had to tidy it up,he has a big meeting tomorrow,i was annoyed bt had a go,it took ages,the kids were still up and needed to go to bed and me and dh still hadnt eaten,this was at about 8.30,i couldnt get it to look right so i gave up and he put the kids to bed while i hoovered up the 5 tonnes of black hair allover downstairs.

when he came down he said whats for dinner,i told him what we have but said i didnt fancy cooking as im tired now(also pregnant)so either he makes dinner or just make himself something quick(was 9.30 now)he was really annoyed and said he couldnt believe it and said it hit a new low(no idea what he means)and said im selfish.

i dont think iabu,but am i?

StuntGirl Wed 22-May-13 13:28:12

I hadn't really noticed the many children/pregnant factor. Likes you barefoot and pregnant does he?

AmberSocks Wed 22-May-13 13:30:05

i dont really know what to say,ive always thought he saw us as equals and di his fair share,and thinking about it he did in the beginning,i think as we have had more children and his work has got more serious and busy he has done less and less.

He (and me,but not as much as him)wanted to home school,not in the traditional sense,theres something called radical unschooling where the children choose what they do like when to go to bed when and what they eat,how much tv they watch etc.

I must admit i liked the sound of it at first (not all of it but i thought life without exams and peer pressure and holidays whenever sounded cool!)and gave it a try,but with (then) 3 so close together and pregnant again i decided to send them to school and nursery,and tbh they love it and i enjoy the break and the interaction with other mums at the school.hes not happy and is always saying we should take them out and that theyve changed and now they annoy him,he wont get involved in any school stuff,not even going to the summer fayre or anything.

I do share some of his opinions but i am the kind of person who does whatver works at the time,and if i change my mind on something because its not working for us (me and the kids)then he gives me a lecture about how i cant stick to anything.(for example co sleeping,i have co slept with dc3 and now dc4,dc3 is moving into her own room when its decorated this week,dc4,is quite a fidget and i was being woken all night by him pulling my hair,slapping me round the face,scratching my back with his toenails etc,so i said i was thinking about putting him in a cot as i cant cope with such broken sleep,and he had a massive go at me,basically i swore at him and told him to fuck off and he said when i swear i sound like someone off jeremy kyle!

Have to say i feel like when we had dc1 and 2 and we did thing slightly more normal,like having a loose routine,going to toddler groups,having bedtimes(again not overly strict but some kind of structure)

sorry that was a long post but feel like ive been walking around with my eyes closed.

bigbuttons Wed 22-May-13 13:33:58

thanks for the info OP, my opinion hasn't changed. He is not a nice man. he is controlling you and making your life very difficult. Infact he's a wanker.

AmberSocks Wed 22-May-13 13:36:49

i have to say the lots of children has mostly been me,i do like being pregnant and having children,the first and last were unplanned(but welcome)the middle 2 were planned but it was me that suggested it.

kotinka Wed 22-May-13 13:39:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AmberSocks Wed 22-May-13 13:40:11

IUsedtobeme-sorry to hear that,although the idea of you cutting his hair when you know that made me laugh!

StuntGirl Wed 22-May-13 13:48:38

Ok OP, you're in quite the mess. I don't quite know what to advise.

There seems to be very little communication and discussion. You both sort of agreed on a very unorthadox and unrraditional way of raising the children. Then you changed your mind. Now he's 'rebelling' against that by seeking to gain control of that 'radical' childrearing when he can, which is bed times.

He does sound controlling and immature though. Throwing a tantrum because the children are now in a traditional school environment? Surely all that matters are the children and if they're happy then he needs to jog on.

If he is so invested in this idea why is he not implementing it? Probably because it suits him to go to work and have a structured, 'normal' life while you become increasingly isolated dealing with the rest of it at home.

diddl Wed 22-May-13 13:55:20

Well he didn't not want the kids, did he-as in badly enough to use contraception?

So it's no good saying "you wanted them, you deal with them".

And re school-so they're not being educated how he wants (although he was never going to be a part of that due to work)-so he thinks he can bow out completely as well as berating your decisions??

getyourheadout Wed 22-May-13 14:00:13

would of done a grade 1 on the crown of his head , made him look like a monk , total knob .

TeWiSavesTheDay Wed 22-May-13 14:00:46

It does sound messy - if you were still homeschooling the bedtimes etc wouldn't be so important - but they aren't and need enough sleep to be ready for school in the morning.

A massive conversation is needed I think. It's not acceptable for him to punish you for changing your mind.

AmberSocks Wed 22-May-13 14:08:34

i think we wanted to do the homeschooling for different reason,in my head it just seemed a nicer way to bring up the kids,more freedom,less pressure etc,but for him i think it was mainly a rebellion thing,his parents and siblings are all teachers,he likes to see himself as a bit of a maverick i think,and as our life is getting more and more normal,like his business is successful,the kids go to school,were married,he just seems to want something to cling on to thats different.

kotinka Wed 22-May-13 14:09:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AudrinaAdare Wed 22-May-13 14:10:07

IUsedToBeMe sorry to hear about your wanker of a DH. Please update about his forthcoming haircut grin

StuntGirl Wed 22-May-13 14:12:25

Then he needs to deal with that himself amber instead of taking it out on his wide and children. Otherwise he's not a maverick, he's just a twat.

TeWiSavesTheDay Wed 22-May-13 14:16:36

Basically it sounds like he wants to be a rebel - but not enough to actually do it himself. So instead you and the kids have to be the rebels for him?!

Which is bonkers, and very controlling. You aren't the rebel half of him. You are your own person, and if you want your life to become more conventional (just like his has!) It is tough shit if it doesn't suit how he wants you to appear quite frankly.

I guess that controlling part of him also tears it's head in terms of expecting you to drop what you are doing and look after him.

None of this makes him sound very nice.

AmberSocks Wed 22-May-13 14:26:44

I feel like ive ended up with someone who offers security(financially)but no affection or respect.He is quite indifferent to me,weve pretty much never been out on our own.We did once when my friend looked after them but shes had a baby too now.I organised that too,he would never think of doing something like that,if he gets free time he wants to play snooker with his friends or go and watch football.

Sorry i am drip feeding a bit.Just not sure what i can do.He never listens to me when i tell him how i feel,and i always come away feeling like its my fault.

pinkballetflats Wed 22-May-13 14:44:28

Oh he just gets better and he thinks of himself as a right Prince Charming too doesn't he? When he does do anything to help does he act like he should have a medal? When you try to talk to him about an aspect of his relationship that is bothering you does he turn it all around on you - you're the one with the problem, you're the one who has a fucked up perception you're the one who is unreasonable?

KhaosandKalamity Wed 22-May-13 15:00:41

This guy needs to learn some empathy (and to grow up and realize the world will not bend to his will). I quite often win these sorts of arguments by calmly asking "How would you feel if..." questions, while empathy is just second nature for most women some people need to learn, and making them look at a situation from someone else's point of view where ever possible helps (for example DP raging at someone else taking too long to leave a parking space "what if they are having car troubles? they could be feeling unwell? gosh wouldn't you feel dreadful if you were stuck in a park and your car won't start, and people started honking at you to hurry up? it must be so stressful"). I don't think he noticed that for a while I was always asking how he thought other people must be feeling.

Or if he thinks that MumsNet will be on his side maybe write a post together so that you both feel your side has been fairly explained, then let the jury here have their say. Maybe hearing so many other people who agree with you might give him a bit more respect for your point of view.

lottiegarbanzo Wed 22-May-13 16:33:12

Oh dear, not good. It sounds as though he expects to get his own way and if he doesn't, he strops or sulks - which is what his refusal to deal with the school is and probably his detachment from you too.

You can't act as his 'rebellious self by proxy' and frankly, his reasons for rebelliousness sounds pretty infantile too. He's not trying to do the best for his children but to annoy his parents. He really needs to grow up and start being a proper parent himself.

I think you need a big chat with him about that, putting the children's interests first and agreeing an approach that you can both support and make work. You both need to talk and be heard and agree, ultimately but, as the person doing most of the care, you do get more of a say in how the day to day stuff works and are the expert in this, who should be listened to. You can agree principles but it's up to you how to implement them during the day. You're not his employee. If you were, I bet he'd understand the need to agree aims but not try to micro-manage (or is he used to being in control at work and comes home expecting the same?).

It sounds as though you learn from experience and adapt to deliver the over-arching aim (happy, confident, well-equipped children), whereas he's very rigid about the detail of how something is done to the extent that he loses sight of the aim. Probably he has difficulty reading the signals that indicate whether things are going in the right direction, so clings to 'types of action' instead of understanding how action relates to outcomes. I'd be employing you, frankly!

You say his business has become more successful - he doesn't have experience of working with people successfully as part of a large organisation, where he isn't the (autocratic) boss that everyone else has to work around, does he?

KittensoftPuppydog Wed 22-May-13 16:51:23

Iusedtobeme- please provide a photo.

AThingInYourLife Wed 22-May-13 16:51:36

Please don't show him this thread.

Keep Mumsnet just for you.

AmberSocks Wed 22-May-13 17:05:37

no i dont think so,he and his parteners started it a long time ago,like over a decade,apart from jobs as a teenager hes never not been the boss.

this thread has opened my eyes,its given me a lot to think about.we will be having words,hes going out tonight so wont be til tomorrow.

kotinka Wed 22-May-13 17:22:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkballetflats Thu 23-May-13 02:12:08

Try to get a good night's sleep tonight (in fact, I hope you're already doing that).

And agree with the advice about not showing this thread to him.

StuntGirl Thu 23-May-13 02:30:44

Can I direct you to this article? It's slightly off topic but as soon as I read your comment about him wanting to be 'the rebel' this section jumped into my mind:

"I did have a sad moment when my family and I crossed paths with this adorable hippie/punk couple on the sidewalk a couple weeks ago, and I wanted to be like YEAH FIST BUMP YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME, and I had this moment of stepping outside myself and thinking, "we're just the boring brown-haired middle class white couple in our late-30s pushing a toddler in a stroller." ACK! Easily-recognizable subcultural identifier, I miss you! "

(Bolded section mine) So he isn't obviously 'the different one' any more. He has to deal with that in a grown up way.

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