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DH told ex our baby was an accident. AIBU to feel a bit odd about this?

(30 Posts)
Rowrowyourboat Tue 21-May-13 19:27:59

Last week DH told his ex I'm pregnant. He told her that our planned and very much wanted baby that we were TTC for 5 months was an accident and he joked about getting the snip ASAP. I don't know if the pregnancy hormones but I just can't understand why he would tell her this? He said he was only joking and that she would give him a hard time about his age (39) if she found out we planned the pregnancy. He has a 6yo DS who is ecstatic at the news and everything was going so smoothly I just don't understand why he thought it would be a problem for his ex girlfriend who he hasn't been with for 4 years that we wanted a baby? Why did he think it would matter to her? Surely 'we're expecting a baby' is enough rather than attempting to justify it as an accident? His ex has got a boyfriend and has moved on and DSS is a happy and confident and loved little boy. I don't understand! It's getting me down. Is this a reasonable reaction or am I full of pg hormones? I'm nearly 14 wks. Also wrt to 'the snip' AIBU to think that is something we should discuss before he broadcasts it. He's never mentioned this intention to me before.

alexa0304 Tue 21-May-13 19:33:10

WHAT?! I would want a better explanation than that. It sounds as though he might have been saving her feelings in some way, but what about yours? Surely they are more important? Hit the roof.

NoobyNoob Tue 21-May-13 19:34:00

YANBU in the slightest - What an utterly stupid and profoundly insulting thing to say.

I don't have any advice for you OP which I'm sorry about x

Pobblewhohasnotoes Tue 21-May-13 19:35:42

YANBU, I'd be furious.

thompson369 Tue 21-May-13 19:35:44


I would be extremely angry in your shoes.

Saski Tue 21-May-13 19:36:06

Uh, clumsy attempt to make her feel better?

Without any mitigating factors, I'd be very upset and questioning his intentions.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 21-May-13 19:36:50

The snip... His penis, his decision.

The rest, I would want a much better explanation and would be livid.

notfluffy Tue 21-May-13 19:37:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bowlersarm Tue 21-May-13 19:37:45

He's just opted for the easy way out in telling her that story.

I would be hurt and furious if I were you. He owes you a big apology.

CookieLady Tue 21-May-13 19:38:07

Wtf? I'd be extremely pissed off.

CatelynStark Tue 21-May-13 19:38:25

My ex apologised to me profusely when he told me that his new wife was pregnant. It was an accident. He didn't want the baby. He was furious with her. He'd never love the baby as much as he loved our children. Yada yada.

I gave him a right bollocking for being such a cunt but I guess some men are just arseholes.

Concreteblonde Tue 21-May-13 19:40:15

Ex told me that OWs pregnancy was an accident. I thought it was such a weird thing to say (we are on v acrimonious terms) especially as I know (from emails written by her) that getting pregnant by him was very much a priority.
YANBU to be pissed off.

ChasingStaplers Tue 21-May-13 19:40:41

He's put her feelings above yours and I would be furious.

How can he think its ok to say that? even without the rivers of hormones running through your body I would be really pissed off

merrymouse Tue 21-May-13 19:42:50

I could be completely out of line here, but was he anxious about the implications of having another child on the financial arrangements re: his son? Perhaps he thought his ex might give him a hard time if he revealed the baby was planned?

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 21-May-13 19:52:26

YANBU, he would rather create a lie than be truthful with his Ex or you (the age banter explaination sounds like a crock). I think you need to have a serious word about taking responsibility for his actions (such as planning and making a baby) instead of making up stupid, immature lies (to what end?).

And tell him you will be telling the Ex that your baby was very much wanted and planned.

urtwistingmymelonman Tue 21-May-13 19:53:22

catelyn I agree wholeheartedly and am pissing my knickers laughing at your eloquent choice of words.

im pregnant and if I found out my oh had said that to his ex id give him the snip myself.

gobbledegook1 Tue 21-May-13 19:56:03

I'd be upset about that too.

CloudsAndTrees Tue 21-May-13 19:56:12

Maybe he was worried she would think that he isn't going to give as much time or attention to the child they have together now that he's having another.

SirBoobAlot Tue 21-May-13 20:02:48

I'd be absolutely livid. What an arsehole.

VikkiiKawaii Tue 21-May-13 20:04:51

You are NOT being unreasonable. He's put his Ex's feelings above yours and that is not OK. Sit him down and explain to him how it made you feel when he told her that. I'd also be considering telling his ex the truth ;)

olibeansmummy Tue 21-May-13 20:06:40

I'd be absolutely bloody furious if dh had said that to ss's mum angry. It's putting her feelings above yours and making it sound like he doesn't want to have a baby with you, just to make her feel better.

olibeansmummy Tue 21-May-13 20:08:09

Ps do you e we speak to the ex? If so is throw in a comment such as, 'yes it's taken a bit if trying, but we got there in the end'.

Mindyourownbusiness Tue 21-May-13 20:09:44

So he has discussed your future family planning (i.e. the snip) with his Ex before discussing it with you hmm.

As someone upthread said l would make absolutely clear to him that you are going to 'clarify' with his ex that your baby was very much wanted and planned and insist he goes back to her and puts her right aswell just so there's no doubt. how he explains his former version away is his problem frankly.

I mean how humiliating and undermining for you, is he embarrassed about your relationship or something that he has to play it down in this way?

I am angry on your behalf.

foslady Tue 21-May-13 20:09:53

I would be livid too..............but my xh was always adamant that it was 1 child and 1 child only, any feelings I had were irrelevant.

I am expecting if/when it happens with ow he may say the same.......

Rowrowyourboat Tue 21-May-13 20:10:07

Ok I'm relieved its not just me!

Mrsterrypratchet I know it's his decision to have a vasectomy but just thought I might get to hear about it before his ex girlfriend?!

I'm on good terms with his ex and we have a few mutual friends so I'd be surprised if she didn't find out the truth sooner or later. My friends knew we were TTC and I think his ex probably worked out for herself that we would have a baby. She even made references to me and DH giving DSS a sibling before our wedding! It makes it harder to understand why he lied to her as its not like we're enemies! Maybe in his head he was sparing her feelings?

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