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To want my MIL to stop carping on about co-sleeping?

(44 Posts)
gail734 Tue 21-May-13 17:59:19

IMHO, if you give someone a piece of advice, and then keep repeating it, you are a NAG. My blessed MIL phoned me this morning, all excited, to ask if I'd "seen the news". I hadn't, so I wondered if I'd missed some major world event. She was on about the new cot death research. DD is ten months old and has been sleeping in beside me since about five months. I didn't do it before then, because I was concerned about safety. I was a bit of a wreck after the birth, on pain-killers, and sleeping quite deeply. So I got up every time to BF. MIL disapproves of co-sleeping and mentions it roughly every other time she speaks to me. She phones every day. AIBU to want her to FO?

Sparklymommy Tue 21-May-13 18:05:31

YANBU to want her to stop preaching about it. However she could just be worried about the safety of her grandchild co sleeping. 10 months is still an age when IMO you could be putting her at risk.

Cloverer Tue 21-May-13 18:08:16

Of course, the OP probably doesn't give a fuck about her child's safety Sparkly.

SugarPasteGreyhound Tue 21-May-13 18:10:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlepeas Tue 21-May-13 18:10:14

Co-sleeping is safe providing it is planned and the guidelines followed sparkly. There are a lot of holes in that report.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks Tue 21-May-13 18:11:25

I co-slept with my DD and DS when they were babies. I did this as it is what worked for us, and the only way anyone got any sleep (we tried every method my HV suggested to try to get them to sleep in their cots and nothing worked). So I read up on how to co-sleep as safely as possible.
Every single time I saw my sister she would bombard me with stories or news reports.
It was very distressing to hear all that and it made me a bit paranoid if I am honest.
In the end I told her to shut up, I was aware of the perceived dangers, I had read lots of information, and had come to an informed decision.

Tell her that you have made a decision you are happy with and to kindly keep her opinions to herself.... if you can.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 21-May-13 18:11:39

The new research is mainly about younger children, I believe.

Have you actually said, "MIL's name, this isn't up for debate. I will do what I do. I don't want to talk about it any more" like I did with FIL and his disapproval of my BFing at a year.

sweetsummerlove Tue 21-May-13 18:11:56

I'm pro safe co sleeping. nod your head. smile 'yes I saw' ...change subject obviously. people like that don't want to be educated. .so don't stress xx

sweetsummerlove Tue 21-May-13 18:12:09

I'm pro safe co sleeping. nod your head. smile 'yes I saw' ...change subject obviously. people like that don't want to be educated. .so don't stress xx

sweetsummerlove Tue 21-May-13 18:12:39

sorry..double post by accident. .im not nagging honest!

MortifiedAdams Tue 21-May-13 18:13:46

Yeah, and people still smoke even thoigh it causes cancer and drive over the speed limit and drink to excess. Tell your MIL that until she lives a pure existance one where she complies with every single.bit of advice which lets face it this is advice then sje can fuck the fuck off.

Cluffyflump Tue 21-May-13 18:14:29

I bet she's worried sick and the recent news on co sleeping will have sent her into a spin.
I co slept a bit and you sound like you're being sensible, so I dint think you are wrong to continue to go on as you are at all.
Maybe lie and say that you have spoken to your HV and she/he says that at 10mths there is no real risk.

noblegiraffe Tue 21-May-13 18:17:06

Cot death risk plummets at 6 months, that's why it's ok to put them in their own rooms then.

PoppyWearer Tue 21-May-13 18:17:48

Oh fuck, just realised I'm going to get this from my MIL too...<dons suit of armour>.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Tue 21-May-13 18:20:30

Try sticking your fingers in your ears and go 'La! La! La!'


maddening Tue 21-May-13 18:22:32

The research out today only indicates under 3 mths as a questionable period for cosleeping.

Jinsei Tue 21-May-13 18:23:18

Direct her to the fact that Japan has one of the lowest incidences of SIDS in the world, and co-sleeping is the norm there.

Goldmandra Tue 21-May-13 18:26:23

Have you sat her down, listened to what she has to say, acknowledged her point of view and then explained and asked her to accept yours?

Once you've done that you can ask her to stop raising the subject "....because I feel it is affecting my relationship with you and this is the last thing we want, isn't it?" Big, wide eyed, innocent smile.

eagerbeagle Tue 21-May-13 18:28:06

Or you could point her to UNICEF's analysis of how duff today's report was

Lilyangel Tue 21-May-13 18:29:10

The research released today is not "new".....they have just looked at 5 historical studies (1987-1998) and re-analysed the data.....

INeedSomeSun Tue 21-May-13 18:32:52

Why is it so ingrained in the Western culture that you have to keep your baby away from you?

Most Eastern countries co-sleep. I am British Asian and most of my family & friends who are Asian co-sleep. It is normal for us.

However, we would not sleep with the baby in the middle, it will be just the mother & baby.

When you are watching a nature programme, have you ever seen a tigress or an elephant or any other creature, put their infant away from them to sleep. All animals keep their infants close to them and we are still animals!

I co-slept and felt perfectly safe to do so. I am a very light-sleeper though, and do not roll about etc. Use your own common sense and do what you feel is right.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 21-May-13 18:36:43

Meta-analysis sort of counts as 'new' research. Frequently, they look at the data in new ways, using new statistical analysis that yields new results. It's not new data but what it yields is certainly new.

Jinsei my very limited knowledge of Japanese co-sleeping based on a study of one friend is that it is far more like a hybrid of same room and co-sleeping. Since people are on mats in a communal room, there is none of the issues with soft mattresses and hot bedding. Babies are not in between two adults on a soft mattress as they might be in the West.

JackieTheFart Tue 21-May-13 18:39:16


I co-slept with DS3 until he was about 14 months. My mother never shut up about it.

I just decided to keep telling her, 'it works for us'. Didn't stop the comments, but did stop the conversation about it!

claraschu Tue 21-May-13 18:45:16

People are prejudiced about co-sleeping. I have a suspicion that it comes from neurotic ideas about sex. All mammals co-sleep with their babies except uptight Europeans and Americans.

Tell your mother in law why you do it; tell her you understand she doesn't approve; tell her that there were probably things she did that you wouldn't approve of. Or you can just nod and smile and ignore her, if that works better for your relationship.

Sorry she's being annoying.

Jinsei Tue 21-May-13 18:48:51

MrsTerry, I don't think the Japanese way is that different from how I co-slept tbh - I lived there for years and have lots of friends who co-slept with their children, so I am familiar with how it works. Japanese futons aren't much different from a firm mattress and they use just as much bedding as we usually do. Most of my Japanese friends shared the same futon as their babies too, so I don't think it's the same as just sleeping in the same room. I do agree that they don't usually have the baby in between two adults, but then, my DH moved into the spare room when dd was little and I know quite a lot of other families who did the same.

I don't think it's co-sleeping that is the problem. As someone said up thread, what other animals push away their babies I'm that way?! However, it is important to do it safely, and I worry that the safety advice often gets lost in the angst that people seem to have about co-sleeping in general.

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