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to feel threatened by her?

(78 Posts)
waddlecakes Tue 21-May-13 16:27:43

Bit of a tough one. I've had a somewhat unsteady relationship with a man I'm mad about. It's been going on for 7-8 months and has been difficult as he has some mental health issues but things have been getting much better.

Last week he introduced me to one of his girl mates who he is very close to. We were at this event and the girl and I ended up alone in the bar - it turns out we were able to connect really deeply, and I really really liked her. She said that when he had told her he wanted to introduce her to me, she had expected to feel jealous, but having spoken to me she couldn't find it in her to feel anything negagtive towards me. The way things turned out we were having such a good time the two of us that we embarked on a pretty magical evening of swapping confidences, and we ditched my man and his other mates for a good 4 hours.

Sounds pretty perfect - except at one point she told me that she and my man had kissed ''once or twice'' before, but nothing else ever happened. It did send a pang through my heart...later on she said she'd had this intense dream about him the other night.

Arggh I don't know, I feel paranoid about it because I really got on with her amazingly well and I'm pretty sure if he was worried/had anything to hide he wouldn't have been cool with me wandering off with her for hours. At the same time though...she's a musician like him, I saw some scars on her wrists and she appears to be some sort of ''tortured soul''. It makes me feel insecure like I'm not interesting enough I suppose...sorry, I really just needed to get this out!

alexa0304 Tue 21-May-13 19:00:50

I would stay friendly if and when you see her again - don't fuel her craziness by being off - but as others have said, don't give anything away. I don't just mean personal secrets, I mean emotionally, don't get caught up in the charm again.

I think offering a medical diagnosis is taking it a bit far, to be honest it sounded to me as though you'd both had an E!

I used to like blokes like that - they are nothing but trouble. Ah, hindsight.

needasilverlining Tue 21-May-13 19:09:40

OP, this sounds like the artistic tortured soul (or pretentious twunt, as I later realised) I dated at 20 (many many years ago) and his BF.

She expected to feel jealous of me, too. She engineered playfights and left hickies on him.

She made a point of telling me, when I was shitscared about an unplanned pregnancy, that she envied me. Not JUST because it was his, but...

I hated her and wasn't mature enough to trust my feeling that this crossed the line. They're together now, BTW.

That isn't the important bit (is 15 years since I gave a flying shite about either of them) - the important thing is how HE reacted. He pretended to reassure me but deep down he was LOVING it.

If you told your DP about this and said you were uncomfortable, how do you think he'd react?

HoneyandRum Tue 21-May-13 19:10:49

Katy Borderline also jumped out at me too, only because I was in a "friendship" with a Borderline a few years ago. In fact I think she may have been my third! That's when I finally saw a pattern (after I was finally told by a more enlightened friend about PDs). The first sign is they are incredibly charming and you feel extremely flattered they focus their entire attention on you in this way and then bare their soul (usually on the first meeting, DEFINITELY by the second). Eventually after much confusion you realise the friendship is a one-way street and your role is actually as audience and Narcissistic Supply (the need a narcissist has to be validated and noticed - even if due to negative behavior, hence the drama and violence).

Poor woman, it's obviously inappropriate to be diagnosing anyone. I would just say please read up on personality disorders. Be very careful to maintain your boundaries because she doesn't have any and will invade yours (getting deeply involved in your relationship when you met five mines ago -classic). She also may find it almost impossible to change her behavior so do not take on any kind of rescuer role.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Tue 21-May-13 19:11:56

me three

alexa0304 Tue 21-May-13 19:23:10

I'm slightly disturbed about the way this thread is going. This woman is clearly not one you particularly want to be friends with, regardless of any mental health issues she may or may not have. Personality disorders are notoriously difficult to diagnose even for experts, many of whom refuse to use the label. Just sayin'

candyandyoga Tue 21-May-13 19:26:53

Sounds like you are about 15! Seriously, you just met her and disappeared with her for hours and told her loads of stuff. How old are you?!

fabergeegg Tue 21-May-13 21:14:18

Nothing cool or fun about depression/immature relationships/self harm. If you new man finds it so, he's a fool and no great loss. You're being very, very unreasonable.

Mia4 Tue 21-May-13 22:16:22

Sounds like she's a bit dramatic OP, at the very least her choice of words and the timing would lead be to believe she was trying to gain attention and big herself up by making me feel insecure. To be honest you do tend to judge by friends and since your relationship is so new it shouldn't be in the shit already- you are meant to get the honeymooning period, not struggle from the start.

FrenchRuby Tue 21-May-13 22:26:26

I don't know why but this reminded me of Lila from Dexter...
Anyway, she sounds a but weird :/

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 22-May-13 18:42:38

She sounds way too intense. But if she lives in a different city,what's the problem?

The scars on her wrists might be old,probably are as they are scars, she may have been depressed in the past. Nice to see all the mental health issue bashing though. Really nice.

HoneyandRum Wed 22-May-13 23:28:40

Personality Disorders are not about mental health, they are as they say a disorder of the personality. It is not "bashing" to have people be aware that Personality Disorders exist and they can be extremely destructive not just for the person with a PD but people around them. The classic symptom of a majority of those with a PD is a long history of an inability to maintain any kind of relationship. A PD is not temporary and is fundamentally how someone operates in the world. I have plenty of compassion for people suffering with mental health problems but they are not the only ones deserving compassion. Families, friends and co-workers can also suffer tremendously when interacting with someone with a PD - it is a two-way street. The frequent experience is that the individual with the PD has everyone around them walking of eggshells and is ready to blame others for their problems while refusing to accept responsibility for their behavior. Their behavior can have people around them questioning their own mental health because it can be so challenging attempting to maintain a relationship with a BD especially.

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 22-May-13 23:33:45

I agree but I think it's a bit much to have diagnosed this woman as having BD on the basis of her being 1) a bit inappropriate after what sounds like hours of drinking 2) scarred wrists.

QuintessentialOldDear Wed 22-May-13 23:41:56

I smell not one, but two girl-crushes. I agree about schmoozing you.

KatyTheCleaningLady Wed 22-May-13 23:44:31

I didn't diagnose anybody. I said that the lady sounded like someone with a plummy, and bpd came to mind.

I have a friend with scars on her wrists. She's a lovely, intelligent, interesting person. Self harming is not an indication of a personality disorder, but the other behaviour described by the op does, in my experience.

I have lots of sympathy for people with mental health problems, but my experience with people with personality disorders means that I am wary of them.

KatyTheCleaningLady Wed 22-May-13 23:45:10


Personality disorder.

MoominsYonisAreScary Wed 22-May-13 23:56:19

Funnily I was just thinking she sounds like someone I met years ago who had BPD, I'm not saying this women has but I'd put some boundaries in place.

And everything honey has said, although my best friend has a pd and yes it has been challenging in the past but she is also always been a fantastic friend when well, especially now she is older and has more insight into her pd and behaviour.

How old is this women?

Lioninthesun Thu 23-May-13 00:02:46

Sounds like if he wanted her, he could have had her. He chose you instead.

HoneyandRum Thu 23-May-13 00:04:46

Who knows what is up with this young woman. All I would say to the OP is that by quickly managing to remove the OP from her man and his other friends for hours she has successfully made the encounter all about her - not the OP and not her man.

Almost any normal, healthy relationship does not begin with this level of intensity so I would just say be aware, hold back and ask yourself OP why you are reacting to her this way and why she has made you the focus of her attention in a way that is highly unusual.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Thu 23-May-13 06:38:02

I'm good friends with a woman friend (WF) of DH's, who he had a very brief thing with well before we got together. His friend and I became great friends separately from him. But my scenario and your scenario could not be more different.

- DH told me all about it himself before we met, so as for there to be no surprised or reason for distrust or questions.

- WF and I hit it off immediately, but became friends over time

- In spite of countless nights out (and even a holiday together) we have never discussed DH or our respective intimacies with him ever. Because, you know, that's private, and <grim> why would we?

- WF (and DH! But surely that goes without saying) has never given me a single reason to feel threatened, sidelined, or paranoid.

- 10 years later, I still class her as a good, trustworthy friend and lovely person, and always will.

Spot the differences?

waddlecakes Thu 23-May-13 16:38:29

Thought I'd give you an update on the other night.

I agreed to meet him at this music thing at 9. So I went with a mate, we arrived at the place on time and I ended up seeing loads of people I knew there, which was great. I didn't see the time pass, I was sitting at a table with all of my mates when I looked up and saw Her there. She gave me this massive smile and asked if she could sit with us, I said sure, carried on my conversation with my mates, and after literally less than a minute, she saw all of my man's mates (who I know and get on with as well). As soon as she saw them she jumped up and went to sit with them. They all came over and said hi to me, and then we went back to me sitting and chatting with my bunch, and them over at their own table (man still not here).

At 10 I get a call from Him - his voice is dead, he says he's not feeling great (depression) and he won't be coming out tonight. Fair enough. This isn't unusual for him. Another hour goes by and I see that his mates and the Girl are getting ready to go, so I move over to have a last smoke with them before they go. So I'm chatting away with the girl (but much cooler than the first time) and she drops in: ''....yeah, because I was around [my man]'s this afternoon''. There was a bit of a silence because I didn't really know what I was meant to say to that. The conversation sort of tailed off and she said ''Hey, it's my birthday on Friday and I really want you to come along, we're going to have a few drinks''. I said she should take my number and she said she already had it(???).

Afterwards without me saying anything two of my mates came right out and asked me who that ''really fake'' girl was (no idea how they got that off her when I can't).

I haven't heard from the man since, now I'm really come she got to ''drop in'' on him when he';s too depressed to come out to see me.... urgggh.

fromparistoberlin Thu 23-May-13 16:50:36

shes a twat

(a) telling you she might feel jealous
(b) telling you she kissed him once
(c) telling you she had a dream about him

in fact, I'll upgrade her to a fucked up cxxt


Lioninthesun Thu 23-May-13 16:55:04

OK she really is a wind up merchant. Or she may, if we are going to take what she says as true, be trying to tell you something...
I think it sounds as though you are intrinsically unsure of HIM, and think you need to have a little light hearted chat. Esp as she was over there and he didn't mention it. Try not to let her get under your skin, but at the same time don't ignore warning lights if they are flashing.

waddlecakes Thu 23-May-13 16:55:55

paris to berlin, I know but as you'll see from my post just above yours, my man now appears to be depressed and while that is definitely not unusual from him, he's seen her very recently and is not communicating with me. He doesn't have any time for bitchiness though, so I don't see how she could have ''said'' anything about me, especially not seeing as she seemingly got my number off him and wants to invite me to her birthday (?). Don't see how she could do that without looking manipulative/hypocritical to him....

waddlecakes Thu 23-May-13 16:57:41

Lion, unless she just innocently mentioned having seen him the other afternoon as a bonding thing, you know seeing as he's the person who ''connects'' us (?).

EldritchCleavage Thu 23-May-13 17:04:31

Is this a 'Keep your friends close and your enemies closer' scenario from her, do you think? And if she sees you as an enemy when you've only met twice, it can only be due to the fact you are in a relationship with her friend (or more than friend).

I think she is definitely trying to make you feel very insecure here. So on that basis alone she is not someone who is going to be a real friend. Add your instinct and the fact your friends immediately spotted her as someone fake, and she sounds like a woman to avoid.

The more difficult issue is where your boyfriend is with all this, is he involved with her in some more than platonic-ordinary-friendship way? Don't know. All I can say is, please don't let either or both of them mess you about. If you ever get the feeling that's what they're doing, bail and leave them to it.

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