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to think my friend is deluded or am I just pessimistic?

(65 Posts)
MrsHuxtable Tue 21-May-13 13:53:54

So, my childless friend and I just had a conversation about having twins that are born a maximum of 2 years after a first child. (I'm newly pregnant with No2 and due to increased twin risk worried that it's what might happen to me).

I said that I know someone who has this set-up and that the women is a wreck. She openly admitted that just running away is on her mind a lot. I can totally understand this as it must be so hard, physically and emotionally. It's a constant cycle of nappies, feeding, winding, nappies, feeding, winding. When one baby goes to sleep at night, the other wakes. and then there's the toddler in the terrible twos. No family around to help out either. A husband working long hours. The hassle of getting around with 3 so little etc.

My friend on the other hand thinks it sounds like a lovely set-up and that it wouldn't be a problem. That because you already have a child and are therefore an experienced mum, it would all be a breeze.

Is my friend being utterly deluded because she doesn't even know what it's like to look after one child?

Or am I being a pessimistic git who is an incompetent mother because I think I would be a total wreck under the circumstances described?

Heleneahandcart1 Wed 22-May-13 11:25:02

I think you are being very pessimistic. I have 14 month old twins, an 11 year old and a 15 year old. I have never been more happier and chilled out about life since my twins were born. My husband works overseas for 2 months at a time and then comes home for 3 weeks. I don't really get any help from family or friends though I visit my parents a couple of times a week. I'm even thinking about ttc again knowing fine well theres a higj chance it could be twins again, the only thing that stops me is the space issue. in fact the only one who gives me any stress is the 15 year old.

Cakecrumbsinmybra Wed 22-May-13 10:44:18

Having read your other posts, I think your 'friend' is not really doing much for your self confidence, is she? It sounds like she puts you down at every opportunity, whether subconsciously or otherwise. Distance yourself a bit and stop confiding in her about your sex life, etc too.

FreeButtonBee Tue 21-May-13 21:32:54

I have 3.5mo twins. It's fucking hard. And they are pretty good babies. I would love 3 kids but the thought f another baby fills me with dread at the moment. Going from 1 to 3 - sounds like hell tbh.

And the sleep thing. I've had nights when it's got to 6am and I've had 1/2 hr sleep, I've had 4 or 5 nights like that in a row. And you can't simply pass the baby to your DH because that baby may well be hungry just as the other has fallen asleep.

Often they will only sleep during the day on top of the big tandem feeding pillow (which has me inside!) or with the buggy on the move so I NEVER get a break during the day, unless my DH is here to help. Even worse is if they don't sleep at roughly the same time during the day - those days a fucking awful.

But they are lovely and amazing and all mine and just starting to notice each other and smile at each other so I can just about forgive them the rough stuff.

Tiredsparrow Tue 21-May-13 21:31:16

I gave birth to twins with a 1 Going on 2 year old.

It wasn't as hard as people might think, although i did have a lot of help and support. like someone said previously I think a good routine helps.

I now have baby number 4 on the way. So that will be a 3 year old, twins at 1 (going on 2) and a new born. I have to say I don't get many congratulations, just looks of sympathy ha

rednellie you are wise as always. I love you a bit too much for pointing me in Dr Sears direction for some reassurance about high needs babies for my DT1 if not for all your other advice <sorry everyone, fellow twin mum from numerous threads>

ChippingInLovesSpring Tue 21-May-13 21:22:50

Hux - your friend is a twat! Does that help wink

In all seriousness though, she doesn't sound like much of a friend sad

Twins are hard bloody work - twins with a toddler would have me on my knees... Baileys triplets would have me over the edge, triplets with a toddler and I'd have left home grin I'm glad you woudn't change it - but bloody hell, you must be knackered!!

baileyslover Tue 21-May-13 21:13:14

If you are high risk for twins what about triplets wink
My triplets were born when my older son was 20months. They are 9 months and 2 1/2 now and yes it has been a blur. As for sleep deprivation - In the first few weeks I was lucky to get 2 hours from 6am to 8am, and no day naps due to toddler.
I am still standing, just, but wouldn't change it for the world!

rednellie Tue 21-May-13 21:01:43

So to answer the op, you are BabitU, but your friend is an idiot wink

rednellie Tue 21-May-13 21:00:08

I think it depends on the children, my twins are relatively speaking easy babies.We have a routine, but I'm always wary because maybe that routine.just couldn't be imposed on other children. And there's nothing so demoralising to a parent of a genuinely high needs baby - oh you just need a good routine.

Having said all that, I have found it hard and my DD has found it hard and sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to have had two singletons but you know what, today dt1 was being pushed around on a trike by dt2 both laughing like hyenas their big sis shouting encouragement from the side lines...

DinoSnores Tue 21-May-13 20:20:46

This will out me if anyone knows the same person, but a friend of mine had 4 under 3 at one point as a result of twins 3rd time round. She's got out the house most days, EBF for 6 months, DH not around much during the day because of her work. It is possible.

As for me, I've found going from 1 to 2 at home much much easier than just having 1 or being pregnant with a toddler.

Hissy Tue 21-May-13 19:52:10

Someone once told me that having one child is like keeping a pet.

Having 2 is like keeping a ZOO.


I have nearly 19 months between my toddler and my twins.

I am living the blur... I have one twin who Does. Not. Sleep. He has reflux. He is dairy, soya and egg free diet. The other is also cows milk protein intolerant. They weren't diagnosed until 6 months for one, a few weeks ago for the one who doesn't sleep. They are 13.5 months old. My toddler is 2 yrs 8 months. It is absolutely relentless, and feels worse because of the sleep deprivation (the non sleeper has 4-5 'in desperation' night feeds, wakes every 1-3 hours and always has done. Both were very discontented babies, no way, in hindsight, could I get two unhappy reflux babies in.a routine. Both were ebf too.

I thought if you had one that didn't sleep, what's the difference with two. I found out the hard way, after numerous nights when it'd get to 4am and I hadn't made it to bed as i settled one, then the other, then the first one again. We have a nanny now I'm back at work, an ex nursery worker who says my non sleeper is one of the most difficult babies she's ever looked after.

So, overall, a lot would depend on your twins. Now Mr. Non sleeper is walking and on meds for reflux he's miles happier, and for me, its way easier with him walking. His brother isn't yet though, so maybe I'll change my mind?! I won't, nothing could make me go back to those days

I also think twins then a singleton would be easier, as i couldn't manage going out by myself with an under 2 and 2 babies. You can't manoeuvre a double buggy round a playground to supervise your toddler, not in our local one anyway, and even if you could, mine will only sit in.the buggy while its moving and fairly briefly or its a cacophony of screaming. One baby you could have in a sling. I still can't manage a playground alone with 2 one year olds and a 2 year old.

All that being said though, I have a lot of family support, some paid help 2 days a week now (extra to my working two days) so that we can get out more and their twin interaction is so wonderful.

If i could have decided not to have twins, I wouldn't have. Maybe that wouldn't be the same without my help though?!

JamieandtheMagicTorch Tue 21-May-13 16:55:46

I found a 2 year old and a newborn very very hard. I think a 2 year old and twins would have pushed me over the edge.

I don't think you can really comment unless you've had one or two children, and know how you coped with that.

Some find motherhood (the early bit) easier than others

DeskPlanner Tue 21-May-13 16:50:13

Never listen to advice from childless friends. It's not usually helpful .

ClairesTravellingCircus Tue 21-May-13 16:40:13

That should have said "and if you are on your own" blush

15 months without a decent night here!

AllOutOfIdeas Tue 21-May-13 15:55:22

I had dts when dc1 was 17months, no help, dp working 6 days a week.

I went out most days, bf'd them both til 8months, my house is still standing and i am not a wreck.

The early days were a bit more sleepless than a singleton but i guess i have been lucky that none of mine had reflux or Colic and were very happy babies.

I am very laid back and although i had a routine, it nap flexible so i didn't get stressed over it.

Now they are older its even easier as they are all around the same age there is no trying to find things/games /days out to please dc that are years apart iyswim?

Maybe its a bit of both- your friends view is pretty much how i found it tbh and i could draw on the very recent experiences of dc1. But i appreciate that won't be everyones experiences.

ClairesTravellingCircus Tue 21-May-13 15:29:31

with any child, massive sleep deprivation is par for the course, so what's the difference between one child not sleeping and two?

the difference being that if they don't wake at the same time, you get twice as many wakings, and if they do and you are not your won...frankly it's a nightmare that I've had to deal with a few times, and it ain't pleasant!

If you get them into a routine from the start then it's not a problem If it was just that easy....

the baby stage is the least of your worries.......its when they get mobile the real problems start! couldn't agree more!

TeWiSavesTheDay Tue 21-May-13 15:28:25

I've always secretly fancied twins blush not really sure why! They just seem quite special. I'm pg with my 3rd, Nd there'll be 21mths between them and DS, which makes me nervous enough tbh! So I'm glad, this time it wasn't.

MrsHuxtable Tue 21-May-13 15:21:46

If one child wakes up every three hours and goes back to sleep, you can sleep inbetween. Imagine 3 children taking turns waking up!

FreckledLeopard Tue 21-May-13 15:17:53

I don't know. I always thought twins would be nice, once you'd already had a child.

DD is now 12 and I want more children at some stage. I figure twins would be fine, since they're an 'instant' family and as they get older, they can entertain/fight with each other.

Having said that, DD didn't sleep through the night til she was 3.5 years, so I accept that with any child, massive sleep deprivation is par for the course, so what's the difference between one child not sleeping and two?

MrsHuxtable Tue 21-May-13 15:10:06

Oh, I can see the positives.

DH and I are unsure whether we'd like 2 or 3 children all together so I'd love it if the choice was taken out of my hands.

I can also see how it would be lovely to have a little group of children once the exhausting baby time is over.

BUT I'm fecking tired now. I haven't slept through a night in 17 months and I'm pretty sure twins would push me over the edge. Luckily, it's all academic for now.

DoJo Tue 21-May-13 15:03:43

Sounds like a 6 of 1 situation - she's seeing all the positives and you're seeing all the negatives. As anyone with children knows, there's no guarantee how you will cope with any of the things they throw at you, whether they will sleep well, whether it will be a complete battle to get them to feed and how your other children will react to the change in setup etc. I don't think she's being ridiculous to believe that it can be done and that it would be possible to enjoy aspects of the arrangement but I don't think you're being unreasonable to suggest that it could be difficult.

oscarwilde Tue 21-May-13 14:57:35

A close friend had twins and a toddler, born when the toddler was 18 months old. I think it is fair to say that even with a LOT of family support they have found it very difficult. Finances have meant that have both needed to work full time which hasn't helped.
Your friend is deluded. Bless.

motherinferior Tue 21-May-13 14:56:20

I recently had to put up with a childless colleague who used to go on about what a lovely break maternity leave must be and how she looked forward to a 'year off'. Also obviously the importance of Date Nights and so on and so nauseatingly forth.

motherinferior Tue 21-May-13 14:54:34

I have a very lovely, extremely competent mate whose third baby turned out to be twins. She says quite honestly that she lost the plot for about three years grin

I haven't asked her about the passionate lovers bit, but I can assure you that passions do not run madly high in most parental households of my acquaintance.

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