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re: husband and inlaws

(23 Posts)
Bejeena Tue 21-May-13 11:53:16

Ah please excuse my pathetic AIBU but well as much as I am fond of them I have just had my inlaws staying with me for 4 days and well there is sometimes only so much a girl can take!

When they arranged to come and visit my husband and I agreed that he should be saving as many days holiday as possible this year to spend when I have our first baby, due in August. He agreed and said that he wouldn't be taking the day off today but last night announced that he was.

I am absolutely fuming that he has done this as I'd rather him spend the day off with me and the baby in August. Bear in mind we have also both spent the last 3 days fully with his parents so not as if they haven't seen him/us.

So I went a bit mad at him last night and of course my inlaws probably think I am a selfish c0w. Maybe I am, but I am 6 months pregnant and have spent most of last week preparing for them to stay (husband doesn't get that the house needs to be straight when they come to stay and doesn't do it so I had the lion's share to do).

It drives me mad that he has done this and we purposely chose for them to visit on this weekend so that we wouldn't have to take any days off work to entertain them.

I am probably being unreasonable I know but the whole thing makes me want to cry, I feel like he'd rather spend a day with them (it won't even be a day as I bet they'll want to leave early anyway to beat traffic) than with me. This is probably just pregnancy hormones but please someone else tell me that this would annoy them too?

NotYoMomma Tue 21-May-13 11:56:42

It wouldn't annoy me sorry and you a're being way ott

s a day, and the last day his parents were here.

presumably he will s're you and the baby (congratulations) every day in August? He will have paternity leave and other holiday to take

ANd I say this as a pregnant woman too

Sorry but I tthink yabu

squeakytoy Tue 21-May-13 11:56:45

Well on the basis of what you have posted you are being unreasonable.

It is one day, and he wants to see his parents.

The house doesnt need to be immaculate, they have come to visit family, not do an inspection.

LastTangoInDevonshire Tue 21-May-13 11:57:35

No, you didn't have the lion's share to do - they are his parents, you should have let him do it, honestly.

Won't he get paternity leave?

DaveDeeDozyBeakyMickAndTitch Tue 21-May-13 11:58:31

YABU. It's a day. One single day. And they were his parents.

jacks365 Tue 21-May-13 11:59:21

1 he'll get paternity leave

2. Next weekend is the bank holiday so that would have made more sense leave wise surely.


HumphreyCobbler Tue 21-May-13 12:00:09

why assume there will be unlimited days to be had off? The op has posted about a mutual decision to save them up.

I would be annoyed about this too. Especially if they go home early. And make him tidy up before his guests come next time.

Scholes34 Tue 21-May-13 12:00:33

Don't look at it as a "them over me" issue. They're his parents. I'd hope my boys would want to spend time with me and DH when they're older too and would hope their eventual partners wouldn't kick up a fuss.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Tue 21-May-13 12:01:08

Well, it is only one day, but otoh, he has spent the last 3 full days with them, so it's not like if he didn't take today off, he wouldn't have seen them at all. He's been with them for the last 3 days.

so I can see both sides

squeakytoy Tue 21-May-13 12:01:12

"And make him tidy up before his guests come next time"

"his" guests?? are they not part of OPs family too? they will be her childs grandparents as well.

HumphreyCobbler Tue 21-May-13 12:01:17

they have just spent three days together

HumphreyCobbler Tue 21-May-13 12:01:53

well I said that in response to the fact he didn't lift a finger - of course it should be shared but apparently the OP did it all

Bejeena Tue 21-May-13 12:03:05

Ok so

Paternity leave: he will only get a few days, not a great amount so will have to take his precious holiday days
Bank holiday: we are abroad and it was yesterday, hence deciding them come this weekend.

I should have let him do the work I know, but he wouldn't have. He just would have said who cares if the house is grubby but I am sure his mother would have just seen it as me being messy and living in a tip. (probably OTT I know)

I know I was probably BU but well it just wound me up anyway.

Wishiwasanheiress Tue 21-May-13 12:08:14

Having just had my ils for 3.5days last week I feel I'm in a good position to say.... Yanbu!

Agreements are agreements, if he was altering his days why on earth wasn't that discussed before?

It's extremely hard to just leave your house and not prepare it when guests come if you're brought up to think you should. I am. I can't do it either. It has to be tidy so I can relax. However you must delegate jobs next time to dh.

Now, dry your eyes and go do something fun. Doesn't have to be big. But overall you now need to let it go. You have vented. Now deep breath and drop it.

(Wishiwasanheiress, take your own advice too! As I've been like a cat on hot tin roof and also need to move on.)

Bejeena Tue 21-May-13 12:08:21

Scholes you are right about the 'them over me' issue. Of course I hope my baby will want to spend time with me when s/he is older too.

Yes I pretty much did all the work, housework preparing and most of the cooking/meal making when they were here. Last night I told my husband he could make the dinner (we are talking washing/preparing a salad, boiling a few spuds and putting some leftover bits out on table here, not a home cooked meal) and his mother helped him with that. Yes I probably did more housework that needed but it still isn't a palace and things needed cleaning anway!

Bejeena Tue 21-May-13 12:10:42

Wishiwasanheiress yes you need to take your own advice too. grin

I have suggested we pop out tonight and have a look at more paint for the nursery. Hopefully we can make a bit of us time out of it and I'll cheer up!

Oh and yes I needed to clean for guests to come is just a thing lots of women have.

pumpkinsweetie Tue 21-May-13 12:19:33

Yanbu, 4 days is bad enough in normal circumstances but at 6m pregnant it must be even worse!
I say this as dil of toxic pil, so I have even more reason to see where you are coming from!

ImagineJL Tue 21-May-13 12:46:09

I have to say I find these anti IL threads so depressing. My kids are boys, and it saddens me to think that in future their wives will be moaning about my presence, especially when they have children.

I know this isn't strictly speaking an IL bashing thread, but the IL negativity is evident on so many MN posts.

HumphreyCobbler Tue 21-May-13 12:50:16

the op isn't being negative about her ILs, just her DH.

I think it is bit ott to extrapolate hated of ILs from this thread, one could just as easily assume that it would be really depressing being married, what with all the hated displayed towards DHs on mumsnet...

DoJo Tue 21-May-13 12:52:21

I don't think it's so much the issue of whether he takes the time off or not, but that you had both agreed one thing and then he unilaterally changed the agreement without discussion. If I was his parents, I would probably have insisted that he didn't take time off knowing that it would come out of the time he will have when your baby is born. Not to tempt fate, but if you have any complications at all, he could end up using up his paternity leave before you even get home from hospital, so keeping as much time free as possible is the best way to plan for every eventuality. Plus you are no doubt a little nervous about the possibility of being left alone with your baby when he returns to work and would like to know that he is considering that too. I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I think you need to leave aside the issue of choosing them over you and focus on the fact that his leave will be used for the benefit of all three of you this year (and from now on realistically) so decisions on how it is spent should be made as a family.

Bejeena Tue 21-May-13 14:41:16

DoJo that is more my way of thinking of the issue rather so much than the actual day off itself. Yes if I was his parents I would have insisted too it is only one day I know but I agree his leave, my leave, all of our leave has to be used to benefit us all as a family in the future.

KhaosandKalamity Wed 22-May-13 13:18:11

Sure you may be hormonal, but if this is something the two of you discussed and agreed upon and then he went and changed his mind without talking to you at all then why not be annoyed. To be honest I would be more than annoyed, I would be furious, not about the day off, but about the failure to communicate. YANBU

KhaosandKalamity Wed 22-May-13 13:22:48

Imagine I am sure that as long as you avoid criticizing their parenting, showing up unannounced, and treating your fully grown boys like they are still children, your DiLs will love you. Most of the in-law posts are not just bashing, but trying to deal with real stress caused by in-laws who behave if not inappropriately at least overbearingly. No one says, my MiL is perfectly nice to me and my family but I hate her, and most with real reason to struggle with in-laws try very hard to not let it impact their partners relationship with their parents, hence coming here for advice rather than ranting at OH.

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