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Who is BU? Me or DH

(77 Posts)
difficultultimatum Mon 20-May-13 20:37:37

I am a regular and have NCed for this. There is a lot more going on at the moment and I have posted about the surrounding issues previously and on relationships but I want to get a view of who is BU on a particular aspect (so if you know who I am, please don't out me)

I have been with DH 16 years, married 5.

This weekend we had a huge row. For some reason, the next morning, this prompted DH to access my facebook page and go through all my emails etc.

I have been in contact with my ex for about 4 years. We exchange e-mails and play Scrabble on-line. DH has been aware we are in some form of contact and about the Scrabble. My ex lives a good 7 hours away so we have not seen each other since split up. Ex is in a happy relationship with 3 step children.

The content of the emails between myself and my ex are mainly banal and casual chat. There was one exchange in Feb of this year where we had a pretty emotional and personal exchange about why we split up. I had an abortion just before we split and the baby would have been 16 this year. I saw photos of ex at his stepsons 16th birthday and for some reason I felt the need to address it. Other than that exchange (which was very personal to me) the e-mails carry on being casual chit chat.

There is one other e-mail that is a bit flirty (referencing ex looking good in a profile pic)

However, I was down in London recently where ex works and we had made noises about meeting up for a drink. We didn't in the end as we were both too busy, but I emailed ex saying "I could do lunch today" and he emailed back saying he couldn't as he was caught up with something. End of.

My friendship with my ex has become very important to me. There is no wanting to get back together on either side (and it would be logistically impossible even if we did). There was never any intent to meet for more than a quick coffee and say hi. But he is a good friend (and it has taken us a lot to get there). We care about each other but it's not sexual and it is no threat to DH

DH went ballistic. Smashed up the house, huge row.

He is furious about me looking at meeting up with my ex and not telling him. I didn't meet up so there was little to tell, but DH would have stopped me if I had. I believe I would have told him afterwards if we had met for a coffee.

Anyway DH feels betrayed, that I have been unfaithful (although I think he 99% accepts we didn't meet up, the intention is a betrayal in his eyes)

We have lots of other problems we need to work through but he is making this into a huge thing.

He still has my facebook access (he's changed my password) he played some Scrabble with my ex pretending to be me and he is reading all my emails etc

He now wants me to cut all contact with my ex. I have agreed to not flirt and to never meet up with him but agreeing to cut all contact feels too much. This friendship has become important to me and I enjoy his (virtual) company. Plus it just feels like too much control form DH - dictating who I can an cannot be friends with.

So, is DH BU for demanding I never speak to ex again or am I BU for not wanting to do that?

Sorry that was SO long

difficultultimatum Mon 20-May-13 21:09:10

I have said I am entitled to some privacy, but DH thinks the fact that this friend is my ex, the fact that we had the emotional exchange, the fact there is occasional flirting and the fact I didn't tell him we had looked at meeting up (but hadn't) means he is totally U to demand I never speak to him again.

notmyproblem Mon 20-May-13 21:11:18

^^ what claire said

A man has smashed up your house, demanded that you have nothing to do with another person ever again, taken over a personal account of yours and changed the password to prevent your access AND is pretending to be you.

Sorry but your DH is a jealous arsehole and a bully to boot. Don't keep walking on eggshells to keep the peace with him, get rid of him already. Even if this blows over and you never talk to your ex again, surely next time it will be something/someone else and you'll have to make your world even smaller to appease your DH's insecurities?

So how small will your world be in 10 years? No friends left because DH found a problem with every one of them? DH jealous of your job, your kids, your family, your life as an independent individual when he's not around?

Dump, and fast. And get some counselling by yourself, without your DH there. You need your eyes opening. The ex thing is a massive red herring here, your problem is your DH.

MummytoKatie Mon 20-May-13 21:12:44

I think it is very easy with email friendships to get close to or even cross lines that you really shouldn't without realising it.

And with exes again it is also hard not to cross lines (as you have gone soooo much further with them in he past.)

From what you've said I think you got close to the line but didn't cross it.

However, whether you did or not is irrelevant. He smashed up the house, read all your emails, pretended to be you and locked you out of your Facebook account???!?!?

Ummm he sounds pretty scary to me? Are you sure you want to stay with him?

difficultultimatum Mon 20-May-13 21:13:54

I have tried to say that to him

That if I have no contact with ex it doesn't solve the real issues as he isn't learning to trust me, just removing anything he sees that causes mistrust and also where does it end? What if he doesn't like the next friend I have, or take against another? I end up with nothing and no one unless it's been per-approved by him.

difficultultimatum Mon 20-May-13 21:15:05

He will also say you are all taking my side (which you aren't, there is a range of opinions) because you are women and if he asked a group of men they would all think he was being totally reasonable

Jan49 Mon 20-May-13 21:16:39

I think you're both being unreasonable. You have an inappropriate relationship with your ex and sound like you're on the verge of an affair with him and have behaved inappropriately with a colleague in the past. I'm surprised he hasn't just ended your relationship. He shouldn't be smashing up the house or having webcam sex.

I don't think I'd be happy if I were your ex's partner. I think you should stop contacting your ex for his partner's sake and because it's the right thing to do, rather than because your not very d h demands it.

TBH I don't know why you're together. It sounds like you're both looking for someone new. You don't seem to want to be with each other.

digerd Mon 20-May-13 21:17:15

A grope and a snog? I wouldn't have mentioned it. As it was nothing. However a bit of a kiss that lingered but definitely no groping, I have done once, but never mentioned to DH as he would have been so hurt. Was a traditional greeting I was told by a married man in our little villagehmm. But it went no further than that.

In your case with your ex, if I were your DH it would really upset me. But would not have reacted like he did. That was OTT.

captainmummy Mon 20-May-13 21:20:04

He doesn't think that webcam sex is a big thing, not the same thing at all?

WOuld he mind therefore if you did it too?

DameFanny Mon 20-May-13 21:20:51

I think I would have left after he continued to have webcam sex.

Wouldn't you advise the same to one of your friends?

MrsMelons Mon 20-May-13 21:23:34

You have both been unreasonable, I can understand why he doesn't trust you and I would be upset if DH was having that sort of contact with an ex, we have no trust issues at all but that is crossing the line IMO. I am sure DH would feel the same way.

His behaviour was completely OTT and scary, also his web cam sex would be a deal breaker for me.

If things were ok in your relationship I am not sure why you would want that sort of contact with your ex.

Viviennemary Mon 20-May-13 21:24:22

I'm not saying your DH has had the right to react the way he has. But quite frankly I wouldn't be at all happy if my partner carried on this quite intense contact through facebook.

TigOldBitties Mon 20-May-13 21:24:46

I think if I was your DH I would have gone berserk over the relationship with the ex. It does sound like secret meetings and I'm saying his jealousy is justified but I think if you know he is like that then maybe you should have been a bit more careful with your behaviour.

He obviously has grounds not to trust you based on your previous behaviour so I can understand his reaction.

HOWEVER, why the fuck is this all so nonchalant, he has webcam sex with people, presumably in your home, I don't know why you're putting up with that shit. If I had caught DH doing that, I don't think he would be a H anymore, but if for some bizarre reason I stayed with him, he wouldn't be hacking into my facebook but instead continuously grovelling.

Is he maybe operating on a guilty conscience?

It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all, do you have DC?

Somethingtothinkabout Mon 20-May-13 21:31:23

I must say that, whilst your DH has been OTT in his reaction, the fact that you have previously been unfaithful 7 years ago, had emotional exchanges with your ex that you didn't tell him about and arranged to meet up and only tell him after (even though you didn't go the end) is pretty low. No wonder he flipped. You're making a mug of him by doing that, especially if you've been unfaithful before and he's tried to forgive you. Of course, him smashing up the house is not cool either.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't be allowed to talk to your ex, but if you're hiding the conversations from your husband, then you know it is inappropriate.

The webcamming isn't great either though.

OrangeFireandGoldashes Mon 20-May-13 21:31:30

I think you made a misjudgement in not telling him you were hoping to meet up with your ex before the event. In his eyes, especially when added to your previous 'indiscretion' (for want of a better word) it would probably seem as though you had something to hide. I can see that it wouldn't have been an easy conversation to have and that he probably wouldn't have been very happy about it. But he would have heard it from you, direct, and it would have made it more of the innocent friendly coffee/lunch you say you wanted and less of a secret liaison which it probably seemed to your husband.

However, his behaviour since finding out is completely unreasonable and controlling. He has a right to be upset / disappointed / worried about you keeping secrets from him, and to raise that with you. He doesn't have the right to lock you out of your own online accounts, or to impersonate you (presumably hoping to trick or trap your ex into revealing something that will 'confirm' your husband's worst suspicions?) or to insist you have no further contact with someone.

OP, only you know whether you're prepared to work through this, including whether his version of 'working through it' will make depends of you that you're unprepared to meet. His reaction doesn't sound proportionate to me, even given what has gone before, and that is worrying.

diddl Mon 20-May-13 21:32:09

He has totally overreacted.

But then I don't get why being friends with your ex is so important tbh.

Cloverer Mon 20-May-13 21:33:21

I think it is understandable that your DH was hurt and upset about the emotional exchanges and trying to secretly meet up. My DP did something similar (met up with an ex and didn't tell me) and I was hurt, although I understood that he didn't tell me because I would be hurt rather than anything more sinister.

However his reaction - smashing up the house, changing your password, pretending to be you - is totally over the top and sounds quite frightening/controlling to me.

OrangeFireandGoldashes Mon 20-May-13 21:34:26

Sorry, I missed the bit about the webcamming!

Tbh it doesn't sound as though either of you has much respect for the other's feelings, and he has some unhealthy ways of dealing with his jealousy / anger.

KittensoftPuppydog Mon 20-May-13 21:37:24

I feel sorry for your husband.
People get crazy when they feel betrayed by the person they are supposed to trust.
You are not behaving like a married woman. No judgment about that but you do need to make up your mind.

TheSecondComing Mon 20-May-13 21:40:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notmyproblem Mon 20-May-13 22:03:56

So OP what other ways does your DH control your life? No normal nice reasonable man suddenly smashes up the house and changes your password to a FB account after hearing that his partner of 16 years has been chatting with her ex.

16 years is a long time to have been ground down by an abusive jealous bully... have a close and careful look at yourself and your life and ask if you're happy or not. What other things do you have to downplay or hide from him to avoid rows and keep the peace?

KansasCityOctopus Mon 20-May-13 22:11:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ashoething Mon 20-May-13 22:12:42

You were given plenty of good advice on your other thread op so I dont see what you hope to gain by this thread? Your dh is an abusive,lazy arse who has taken you for a mug.He is now gas lighting you into thinking you are on the wrong and that his shitty behaviour is due to depression.Stop making excuses for him.

uniqueatlast Tue 21-May-13 00:32:00

He has changed the password on your FB account and now accessing it, pretending to be you?

That is V unreasonable. I would be creating a new account and mailing your friends and asking them to block your old account.

You have been with him for 16 years and he is insecure about you chatting to an ex on FB? 16 years is a long time to have been worn down by him.

You know what you should so. It's whether you feel strong enough to do it.

I wish you well.

Nanny0gg Tue 21-May-13 00:52:59

You have both behaved badly, but neither of you have addressed any of the situations as adults.

I don't see how either of you will ever regain trust in the other and as there seems to be very little love or affection between the two of you (on the face of your postings) I don't see why you are considering going forward in this relationship. (What did your ex's new partner think of your 'flirtation', or was she in the dark, too?)

And where are any children in all this? The atmosphere must be beyond toxic.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Tue 21-May-13 01:45:48

Gosh OP, it's so obvious who you are, as the details are all the same as you other (current) thread.

And with that in mind, I am just gobsmacked. On top of his myriad other faults, he has webcam sex, and you just put up with it???

I DO NOT understand for one second what the two of you are doing with each other. sad

You make each other miserable. You say you love each other, but you act as if you either despise each other, or are completely and utterly ambivalent about each other. Neither of which are love.

Keep posting in here, because it obviously helps you. Hopefully each thread you start is you gradually inching further and further towards leaving this person.

Your poor DS, in all of this...

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