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to secretly not want this young lady to visit?

(12 Posts)
SelfishMiseryGuts Mon 20-May-13 14:43:29

I've known this young 'un since she was born, and her family for some years before that.

She is a very nice person, but a real emotional vampire - she's a constant 'victim'. I honestly don't mind being there for people when they need it, but she is one of those people who always goes on about how difficult things are, how nobody likes them, how everything always goes wrong, how hard it is to make friends etc etc. 'Hides' from people in such a way as to demand attention, if that makes sense.

I understand to an extent where she is coming from, as I used to be a little like this when I was a teenager - a bit full of angst and not sure of my way in the world. But I did take advice given to me, and made an effort to improve where I could. This girl doesn't take any advice, she is constantly 'woe is me' and 'my life is awful', but won't do anything at all to help herself, and in fact her attitude is a huge part of why she doesn't have many friends.

She is coming to visit me soon, to have a catch up (tell me the latest sad story) and I am just dreading it. Am feeling low and fed up myself to be honest, and I really don't know how to deal with her in my usual patient and encouraging (I think/hope!) way.

Am I being a selfish miserable cow?

youmeatsix Mon 20-May-13 14:46:11

not at all
i hate "energy zappers". we all like to be there for a friend in need but people who are professional victims i have no time for, they are only happy when they are moaning and bringing down everyone around them. pointless to have in your life

thefirstmrsrochester Mon 20-May-13 14:52:58

Good god no, you are not being selfish or miserable or a cow. Everyone has their down days, but for emotional vampires, it's a professional career. You see, now you are feeling bad before she has even arrived!
I have a friend like this. Any time I mention a common acquaintance to her, said person will have blanked her/given her a funny look/been short or off with her. Really? Really? Everybody is out to get her?
It's so tiring.

EyesCrossedLegsAkimbo Mon 20-May-13 14:58:38

No, you aren't a selfish miserable cow! I hate negative people, youmeatsix has it spot on "energy zappers" is a perfect way to describe them.

livinginwonderland Mon 20-May-13 15:24:14

I know a girl like this. I've distanced myself from her (as has everyone else!) because ALL she does is complain. She moans about everything in her life - the people, her job, her health - everything. It's extremely frustrating and it puts people off spending time with her.

As a result, people spend even less time with her, so she moans more and gets even more pessimistic! GAH!

AMumInScotland Mon 20-May-13 15:27:03

YANBU.

Stop being patient and encouraging, and challenge her to sort herself out - you'll either help her, by waking her up to the fact that she needs to sort herself out, or alienate her so she can go and moan at someone else.

And/or spend her visit telling her all about your own problems - which are probably more real than hers anyway.

If you want to feel unselfish about this - call it "tough love" - you know that she needs to change her behaviour to sort out her problems. Sympathy isn't achieving that. Polite and kindly advice isn't achieving that. Time to try a harsher approach, for her own good.

LittleMissGerardButlerfan Mon 20-May-13 15:28:57

I know someone who is emotionally draining too, everything is such a drama and even if the same things happen to both of us it's always worse for her. It's not a competition to me so I smile and nod and inwardly seethe!

MynameisKeith Mon 20-May-13 15:37:34

My sister had a friend like this. She was known as the Dementor because she sucked all the happiness out of those around her.

Eventually, rather than avoid her my sister and her group of friends began calling her that to her face. If she complained that everything/one was against her they would say something like "do you think it could be because you are so negative?"

Initially she would throw a strop or burst into tears, but once her friends stopped pandering to this behaviour, and just ignored it, she miraculously changed into a happy, bubbly sort of girl who is now centre of attention for all the right reasons!

If you know her well op, maybe this is the right course of action? In the long run you will do her a huge favour. Nobody wants to spend time with an emotional vampire, and YANBU.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Mon 20-May-13 16:25:46

Yanbu. I know someone exactly like this. She is actually advantaged in many ways (very wealthy parents and no need to support herself financially) yet all she does is focus on the negatives (and admittedly there are a few).
You ave to distance yourself as soon as it is evident that you could spend a week giving advice yet the girl will not take any of it. You are wasting your time and she will always be a drama queen.

SelfishMiseryGuts Mon 20-May-13 17:13:36

Thank you all for your replies and advice. I was feeling a bit guilty for not wanting her round, but I don't feel so bad now.

I haven't seen her for a while to be fair, so I guess I can grin and bear it for an hour. And if she asks for advice (or is really getting to me!) then I can do as some of you have suggested, and tell her straight that she'd get on better if she at least tried to be cheerful and positive.

Really appreciate all of your replies smile

BusStopWanker Mon 20-May-13 17:46:39

YANBU at all. My mother is like this, it's very very draining being around her.

Cockadoodlequack Mon 20-May-13 17:50:45

You sound nice OP smile

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