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About my brothers wedding?

(88 Posts)
Freshcutgrass Mon 20-May-13 14:00:04

I think I ABU but I'm not sure.

My brothers been with his partner for nearly 8 years. They don't want children and have always been blase about marriage saying it's outdated etc.

Now they're buying a house and making wills etc., it seems life will be much easier for them if they're married.

So because they don't really see marriage as anything big, they've decided to get hitched in a small room with 2 witnesses, no ceremony to speak of, no invites, no reception, no photos etc. They're not even that bothered about our parents (or her parents) being there.

I feel quite hurt by this because I haven't been invited but I see my brothers wedding as a big event that I'd like to be at. But they don't see it as a big event. Therefore, I'm worried I ABU but I can't help feeling a bit sad

Sorry- very ranty post

WafflyVersatile Sat 25-May-13 11:20:16

If you did go you would probably still feel sad that it amounted to a transaction like paying the council tax bill to steal that brill analogy, instead of being more weddingy, so it's a bit of a no win for you. And having you there being sad that it was a bigger deal wouldn't improve the day for them either.

However YANBU for feeling a bit sad. You can feel sad about whatever you want.

DontmindifIdo Sat 25-May-13 11:03:46

sorry, posted too soon - I didn't put the other thing that stood out!
I said it's a shame to waste an opportunity for a party - that makes it clear it's not about missing his marriage ceremony that was the problem, it was the chance to catch up with great aunty XXX, to let your DCs see all the second cousins, the chance to get all the family together and create a family memory, not missing the wedding that has upset you. Perhaps focus that this isn't actually about your DB or his soon to be DW, it's about the rest of the family.

Are your family geographically spread out and/or don't meet up much any more?

DontmindifIdo Sat 25-May-13 10:59:23

two things stand out: While I still would love him to see marriage the way I do - but what you are talking about is him seeing a wedding the way you do, that doesn't mean the marriage will mean nothing to them, just the ceremony.

If you want a family event, then perhaps you should organise one? Anyone in the family with a significant anniversary or birthday coming up? There's nothing to stop you arranging a big family knees up if that's what you want, but the thing is, you will be the one to pay for it. It's rather unfair to be annoyed your brother hasn't spent several thousand pounds putting on an event for you and the rest of the family when he doesn't want to.

But i can understand why you feel 'done out of a chance to have a family party' (esp as you get older and there's not many event excuses until the younger generation start getting married/having DCs Christened) - weddings are unlike any other family party in that there's more pressure to attend than others and you are more likely to get a 'full house' of the family together. But this is about you and what you want, not what your DB wants. i do think more brides and grooms would enjoy their weddings more if there wasn't so much family pressure and other people taking 'ownership' of the day.

Helltotheno Sat 25-May-13 09:19:01

I said it's a shame to waste an opportunity for a party

I thought you had changed your opinion and were ok with it? Sound above like you were still indirectly telling him he was BU!!

I wouldn't mind if my children did this, it wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Their lives, their way. Of course they'll also be under no illusion that we'll be paying for any big knees up they decide to have either grin

ZillionChocolate Sat 25-May-13 08:27:45

Glad you seem to have come to terms with his decision OP

DaveDeeDozyBeakyMickAndTitch Tue 21-May-13 09:19:44

The MARRIAGE is what's important, not the wedding. A lot of people forget that, sometimes. Good for them for doing what they want to do, and not bowing to external pressures to do it someone else's way.

Freshcutgrass Tue 21-May-13 09:13:09

Thought I'd post an update on this.

So I spoke to my brother last night and brought up the marriage. I jokingly said "so you don't want your sister there then".

He clarified that his view is as follows:
him and his partner are going along to a register office one afternoon in jeans and T-shirts to sign a bit of paper. The whole world and his wife are welcome to tag along if they wish but there won't be food or a reception or a party or presents or flowers etc.

I said it's a shame to waste an opportunity for a party, he said he didn't see it as an opportunity for a party any more than going to the letting agents to sign a new year-long tenancy.

While I still would love him to see marriage the way I do very BU thing to say and want a celebration, I get that he doesn't. And actually the actual event sounds horrendously boring, which is how the couple see it. I don't think I'll be bothering going grin

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 20-May-13 19:58:50

My Mum and step dad did exactly this. They didn't tell anyone, I found out a week after!

You have got to respect their wishes however hurt you feel. Not everyone wants a big wedding or to be centre of attention. Maybe they just want to be married? After all, isn't that the important bit?

I feel sorry for all the brides I read about who have interfering family, inviting everyone left right and centre, and basically dictating the wedding without a thought about what the bride and groom want.

GlassofRose Mon 20-May-13 19:40:16

Agree with that DontmindifIdo If it's not the norm' you do question. My cousin is having a paybar wedding and sent a lovely begging money poem in his invite... completely does not tie in with the family way and he is seen as having a wedding he can't afford. In all honesty, he is though.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood Mon 20-May-13 19:12:50

I don't think either of you is being unreasonable.

Your brother is very sensible.

But I can understand why, particularly if he is your only sibling and your parents might be going, that you are perhaps feeling sad/left out.

Why not offer to host them a small celebration. Or just have a family get together to reinforce the ties.

ComposHat Mon 20-May-13 19:04:21

My cousin did a Vegas jobby

Am I the only poster from North of the Border now visualising someone passing a turd in a spangly jumpsuit?

maddening Mon 20-May-13 18:37:49

But they don't want anybody there and THEY don't see it as a life event - surely that's what counts.


diddl Mon 20-May-13 18:30:54

Well to me, 10 people consisting of parents and siblings isn't an event-and why do you have to feed them?

Surely that's only needed when there'a an invitation requesting presence at a reception?

But I do agree that maybe they should just have done it!

januaryjojo Mon 20-May-13 18:25:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontmindifIdo Mon 20-May-13 18:24:57

I also find weddings (rather like lots of parenting decisions like weaning, or career choices, or many other choices), are treated by a lot of extended family as telling them what they did was wrong if you chose to do something differently to them.

So having a big do when rest of the family didn't, you'll get accused of being excessive or showy, or only caring about the day not the marriage - have something small when the rest of the family have big weddings, you aren't doing it properly, you're leaving people out, it's selfish if you've been to other people's weddings not to host when it's your turn etc - marriage in a hotel when everyone else has a church wedding - well it's not a "real" wedding, get married in a church when most of the family haven't done that, well you're only doing it for the photos...

DontmindifIdo Mon 20-May-13 18:18:10

Diddl - but see, if you start having 10 people to a wedding,you have to feed them, you have to think about what you're going to wear, it starts being an event that people who aren't invited too get upset about - and you go with family, they might not actually be the people you are closest too. Whereas the couple getting married this way are not having a wedding event. They are just doing the legal side. Of course, their mistake is telling people they are doing this and expecting their wishes to be respected....

GlassofRose Mon 20-May-13 17:30:40

It's almost though some people think being a mother gives you the right to have a say. Maybe when the human you bore is in your care... but as an adult you just don't.

GlassofRose Mon 20-May-13 17:29:24

I hear what you are saying too BackForGood, but I just don't think that a parents wishes are relevant when you are making life choices like that.

My nan loathes her sons choice in partner. Many reasons why and quite justified but she has to respect that even though his partner isn't her choice for him and it makes her unhappy it is his life choice and allowing it to have an affect on their relationship would destroy it.

You have the right to feel however you like about your loved ones choices, but you just have no right to have a say in them.

diddl Mon 20-May-13 17:18:02

Who said anything about nieces & nephews?

I mentioned parents & siblings which I think in the case of OPs brother would be 10.

It's up to the couple, of course anyway, it just seems to me that compromise is possible.

Still, it's not what they want, & as OP has said, she has to accept it.

She's sad about it & I know I would be in the same circs.

Still, not about us-but the couple-who are doing exactly what they want.

januaryjojo Mon 20-May-13 17:08:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BackforGood Mon 20-May-13 16:47:13

That's interesting FreshCutGrass - you I don't ever think that anyone would want to be isolated. You've opened my eyes smile

GlassofRose I hear what you are saying, but surely in any relationship (parent - child / 2 friends / siblings / etc) there has to be a certain amount of taking the other person's feelings into account ? I wouldn't cut ties if my brother had done this, and I don't think the OP is thinking of it either, but I'd feel 'pushed out' if you like, and there's only so many times over the course of a relationship you want to take that, or it all becomes a bit one sided.

DontmindifIdo Mon 20-May-13 16:28:27

I think it's understandable you feel the way you do, because you do see Marriage and Weddings as a big deal, whereas they are only seeing it as a sensible legal arrangment.

Is it also a sense that you've been 'done out of' a family event? for a lot of extended family, a wedding isn't just about the couple, but ends up being almost a community thing, one of the rare events that gets all an extended family together at the same time - so by not doing it that way you have also lost one of those events.

We are running out of family events for a while - of my grandparents generation, we have sadly lost all of them now so no funerals to get everyone together - of my generation, there's only one left of the cousins to get married, then we have a large gap to the younger cousins who if they get married, it'll probably not be for another decade at least. Because of this, I know I'll get pressure to have this DC's christening be a big event (currently pregnant), even if I'd happily just have the baptism in the normal weekly service and just a few people back to ours. (Everyone else in my generation of cousins have either completed their families or are unlikely to have DCs, so last christening option.)

That all said, you do have to accept this is his choice, as said upthread, he's just getting married, he's not throwing a wedding. Keep telling yoruself your DB isn't having a wedding, not that he's having one and not inviting you.

ipswitch Mon 20-May-13 16:21:45

I can understand how you feel OP.

My DB is getting married soon and has invited my parents, my godmother and my older BD and family to his wedding but not me and my DH. We are invited to the 3pm reception in a village hall. He says it is a space thing, but I am very hurt and upset too. ( And have been for months)

For me the important part of the wedding is the ceremony and vows and as we are not invited to this we will not making the 300 mile round trip to attend his evening do.

Im very sad too at my brothers decisions re his wedding guest list, but its his choice ( or would be if he had any balls). I wish DB and SIL had decided to have no-one at the wedding but 2 witnessess and then a big party for all afterwards.

ZillionChocolate Mon 20-May-13 16:16:31

Have loved, not faced lived.

ZillionChocolate Mon 20-May-13 16:15:41

I was thinking YABU and idly wondering how I'd react then realised I have direct experience of this. My sibling got married with no friends/relatives present. That's what they wanted. I accept it and whilst I would faced lived to be there, what they did/didn't want was more important. I had the wedding I wanted for me, I can't make everyone else have it.

I can see Diddl's point of "well if they don't care, then it wouldn't hurt" and I expect that works for events like graduations, people get sucked in to the ceremony, photos and lunch to keep proud parents happy. I expect your brother and SIL do care, and have actively rejected any sort of fuss. I'm sure they know you'd be there if they'd let you. You have to respect that. I think the different religion is a good analogy.

If you want a family get together, then organise one. My family have a massive barbecue every summer, sometimes it coincides with a big birthday/wedding anniversary, sometimes not.

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