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About my brothers wedding?

(88 Posts)
Freshcutgrass Mon 20-May-13 14:00:04

I think I ABU but I'm not sure.

My brothers been with his partner for nearly 8 years. They don't want children and have always been blase about marriage saying it's outdated etc.

Now they're buying a house and making wills etc., it seems life will be much easier for them if they're married.

So because they don't really see marriage as anything big, they've decided to get hitched in a small room with 2 witnesses, no ceremony to speak of, no invites, no reception, no photos etc. They're not even that bothered about our parents (or her parents) being there.

I feel quite hurt by this because I haven't been invited but I see my brothers wedding as a big event that I'd like to be at. But they don't see it as a big event. Therefore, I'm worried I ABU but I can't help feeling a bit sad

Sorry- very ranty post

diddl Mon 20-May-13 18:30:54

Well to me, 10 people consisting of parents and siblings isn't an event-and why do you have to feed them?

Surely that's only needed when there'a an invitation requesting presence at a reception?

But I do agree that maybe they should just have done it!

maddening Mon 20-May-13 18:37:49

But they don't want anybody there and THEY don't see it as a life event - surely that's what counts.


ComposHat Mon 20-May-13 19:04:21

My cousin did a Vegas jobby

Am I the only poster from North of the Border now visualising someone passing a turd in a spangly jumpsuit?

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood Mon 20-May-13 19:12:50

I don't think either of you is being unreasonable.

Your brother is very sensible.

But I can understand why, particularly if he is your only sibling and your parents might be going, that you are perhaps feeling sad/left out.

Why not offer to host them a small celebration. Or just have a family get together to reinforce the ties.

GlassofRose Mon 20-May-13 19:40:16

Agree with that DontmindifIdo If it's not the norm' you do question. My cousin is having a paybar wedding and sent a lovely begging money poem in his invite... completely does not tie in with the family way and he is seen as having a wedding he can't afford. In all honesty, he is though.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 20-May-13 19:58:50

My Mum and step dad did exactly this. They didn't tell anyone, I found out a week after!

You have got to respect their wishes however hurt you feel. Not everyone wants a big wedding or to be centre of attention. Maybe they just want to be married? After all, isn't that the important bit?

I feel sorry for all the brides I read about who have interfering family, inviting everyone left right and centre, and basically dictating the wedding without a thought about what the bride and groom want.

Freshcutgrass Tue 21-May-13 09:13:09

Thought I'd post an update on this.

So I spoke to my brother last night and brought up the marriage. I jokingly said "so you don't want your sister there then".

He clarified that his view is as follows:
him and his partner are going along to a register office one afternoon in jeans and T-shirts to sign a bit of paper. The whole world and his wife are welcome to tag along if they wish but there won't be food or a reception or a party or presents or flowers etc.

I said it's a shame to waste an opportunity for a party, he said he didn't see it as an opportunity for a party any more than going to the letting agents to sign a new year-long tenancy.

While I still would love him to see marriage the way I do very BU thing to say and want a celebration, I get that he doesn't. And actually the actual event sounds horrendously boring, which is how the couple see it. I don't think I'll be bothering going grin

DaveDeeDozyBeakyMickAndTitch Tue 21-May-13 09:19:44

The MARRIAGE is what's important, not the wedding. A lot of people forget that, sometimes. Good for them for doing what they want to do, and not bowing to external pressures to do it someone else's way.

ZillionChocolate Sat 25-May-13 08:27:45

Glad you seem to have come to terms with his decision OP

Helltotheno Sat 25-May-13 09:19:01

I said it's a shame to waste an opportunity for a party

I thought you had changed your opinion and were ok with it? Sound above like you were still indirectly telling him he was BU!!

I wouldn't mind if my children did this, it wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Their lives, their way. Of course they'll also be under no illusion that we'll be paying for any big knees up they decide to have either grin

DontmindifIdo Sat 25-May-13 10:59:23

two things stand out: While I still would love him to see marriage the way I do - but what you are talking about is him seeing a wedding the way you do, that doesn't mean the marriage will mean nothing to them, just the ceremony.

If you want a family event, then perhaps you should organise one? Anyone in the family with a significant anniversary or birthday coming up? There's nothing to stop you arranging a big family knees up if that's what you want, but the thing is, you will be the one to pay for it. It's rather unfair to be annoyed your brother hasn't spent several thousand pounds putting on an event for you and the rest of the family when he doesn't want to.

But i can understand why you feel 'done out of a chance to have a family party' (esp as you get older and there's not many event excuses until the younger generation start getting married/having DCs Christened) - weddings are unlike any other family party in that there's more pressure to attend than others and you are more likely to get a 'full house' of the family together. But this is about you and what you want, not what your DB wants. i do think more brides and grooms would enjoy their weddings more if there wasn't so much family pressure and other people taking 'ownership' of the day.

DontmindifIdo Sat 25-May-13 11:03:46

sorry, posted too soon - I didn't put the other thing that stood out!
I said it's a shame to waste an opportunity for a party - that makes it clear it's not about missing his marriage ceremony that was the problem, it was the chance to catch up with great aunty XXX, to let your DCs see all the second cousins, the chance to get all the family together and create a family memory, not missing the wedding that has upset you. Perhaps focus that this isn't actually about your DB or his soon to be DW, it's about the rest of the family.

Are your family geographically spread out and/or don't meet up much any more?

WafflyVersatile Sat 25-May-13 11:20:16

If you did go you would probably still feel sad that it amounted to a transaction like paying the council tax bill to steal that brill analogy, instead of being more weddingy, so it's a bit of a no win for you. And having you there being sad that it was a bigger deal wouldn't improve the day for them either.

However YANBU for feeling a bit sad. You can feel sad about whatever you want.

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