To not want to move closer(15 Posts)
Pg with our child & my parents live about 40 mins away & inlaws about 4 hours away. I am planning to go back to work after about a year.
My folks want us to move closer to them & they would be willing to help with childcare. I would like them to move closer to us for exactly the same reasons plus I can see my dad is going to need extra care in the next 5 - 10 years.
The issue: To me, my childhood represents a dark depressing time filled with affairs, depression & domestic violence. My teen years were filled with me being very unconfident about myself, walking on egg shells when whoever concerned had their turn of a bout of depression & me trying to please everyone to keep the peace. 25+ years this dark time is behind us all & we are all living a fulfiling life. I am sure there were good times, but I only every remember the bad. We all have a good close relationship.
I feel the reason I have been able to move on with my life is that I got out of the area I grew up in & found a brilliant man who had more confidence in my ability than I ever did. I seriously would not have achieved half of what I have without his encouragement. I also don't have to face, on a daily basis, the reminders of why I feel my childhood was a bleak place.
My parents are really putting pressure on us to move closer, but I can't really tell them why, I don't want to, without bringing up the past when I really want to focus on the future. Currently I am being very vague saying "we are not thinking about it now", & "we have ages to think about that".
I know if we don't move, we are going to be very limited with any childcare help from my family. AIBU not to move closer & get the help we will need, & AIBU to think if my folks won't help, we will cope doing it by ourselves with paid childcare eg. nursery / childminder? How naive am I being to think we can do this without family support.
Your thoughts would be welcome on this situation.
Well, it sounds like your reasons are fair enough, and if your dad's health is such that 'he is going to need extra care' in the near future, how much day to day child care do you realistically expect them to do?
40 mins is nowt in the scheme of things, it is near enough to have regular visits, nip over for tea etc, and when your dc is old enough to go on sleepovers if your parents want. It's certainly no bar to a good, close relationship.
Fwiw I don't think it's a very good idea mixing day to day child care with family, especially if there are issues you have doubts about. Lots and lots of people use nursery/childminder/flexible working and compressed hours to cope with jobs and dc, you'll be fine. Congratulations on your pregnancy btw.
my childhood represents a dark depressing time filled with affairs, depression & domestic violence
and you want these people to help with childcare?
to be fair, that's exactly what i did. i had pretty ropey parents but they made excellent grandparents.
don't move if you don't want to. you'll only be resentful and unhappy.
Lots of people manage with no family nearby, like me. Yes, those with reliable and supportive families round the corner are in a brilliant situation, but not convinced that would be your case. Look at the number of threads on here about such scenarios that have gone sour!
It really depends on how well paid you and your husband are, and whether or not you and your husband plan to work (full-time or part-time) after having children. How can we advise without knowing those important details?
It sounds odd for your parents to be trying to pressurise you to move closer. Surely you can reply that you are happy where you are and have no plans to move? Forty minutes doesn't sound very far away anyway. I don't see the problem here.
I also refused to move closer to my family when I first had my DS, but I eventually did move nearer to them when he was three. It made a huge difference - the flexibility in childcare was amazing. It meant I could do things in the evenings and weekends, including work/study/social activities, which most people can't do if they're relying on nurseries or childminders. I could also rely on them when DS was ill, or if I was ill and couldn't even manage to bring him out of the home. I read posts on here all the time about mums who haven't had a night out or time to themselves since their child was born, and that wasn't my experience of motherhood at all, because I got plenty of nights off. So I'd say you'd open up many more opportunities if you were close to your parents, as well as building a strong relationship between extended family members.
Of course, not everyone's families will be as supportive as mine were, and only you know yours well enough to know if it would be more beneficial overall.
Thanks for all your responses.
Yes my parents parenting were ropey but they will make excellent grandparents. I also think its the excuse they have both been after for to retire. However I can't move on from past if I end up living in the surroundings where it happened. But I don't want to deprive my children of having the memories with their grandparents. My grandma did the childcare for us when my parents worked, & have very fond memories.
ideally I would like to find a PT job however the demand for them are high & could see me having to work FT until I could find one. Both hubby and I have good jobs & we will need two incomes. If I could find a PT job then between my, DH and paid child care it could work. However working FT, it just seems a shame my folks won't come over for 1 day a week. Maybe they will change their mind once baby is here?
junethefirst I hadn't considered the other aspect of family child care e.g. Evenings etc. good shout worth thinking about.
Have you suggested to them that they move closer to you? And if you have, what was their response?
IME and as long as you can afford it, you can manage with paid childcare only, if you need to. We have family nearby but they don't do our childcare any more often than once in a blue moon, and we both work.
Well if they're going to retire, better they move to you. As surely you live within reasonable reach of your jobs?
Also sounds to me, like you'd be better off staying away from unpleasant reminders.
Could you sell it to them as a time to downsize, chuck away clutter, move into a bungalow, looking to the future scenario?
It sounds to me like you want your cake and to eat it too. You don't want to move, but you want free on tap childcare, so you expect your parents to provide this, and uproot themselves in the bargain. Sorry, but if you want to get the childcare, then you need to make the move. Or make do with paid childcare/babysitters.
Moving closer to abusive family members does not sound like a good idea to me.
My grandma did the childcare for us when my parents worked, & have very fond memories
Was your grandmother abusive like your parents?
Your parents are not your grandparents. They will not create the same scenario your grandmother did. I think you are looking at this through rose tinted glasses.
We have discussed them moving closer but they are really attached to the family home & for financial reasons can't move for another 3-5 years. I don't want to push this too much because it also impacts my brother. However yes ideally I would love them to move closer to us.
I would like to reiterate that the abusive period was a very long time ago & those involved have sought help & we have all moved on with our lives. I just don't think I can cope with the daily reminders.
How on earth do you think they will be fantastic grandparents if they were so awful as parents? Maybe for a 1-2 hour visit, but regular, all day care will be just as stressful and knackering (more so now older) as being a parent.
You had a bleak childhood which involved domestic violence, why oh why do you want to put your child in that situation??
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