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AIBU to think it was only technically an affair and I'm not a cheat?

(39 Posts)
movingonandonandon Sun 19-May-13 12:48:35

Don't want to dripfeed but not putting identifying details in case exH reads this. I left exH 7 months ago because of domestic violence, he made it as hard as possible and right from the start I was clear it was over. ExH spent about 6 weeks trying to 'win me back' and prove he'd changed until that got too boring for him and wasn't working so since then he's been resorting to threatening me with custody battles and insulting me to all and sundry, so he's hardly trying to repair a relationship and I've made it very clear from the moment I left that it was permanently over. So from either side we were definitely separated, not just having a 'blip'.

About 2 months ago I had a one night stand, not the best move in hindsight but I was feeling low and thought he cared about me but apparently only does as a friend. I don't know how but exH found out, I didn't tell anyone and I'm very sure one night stand didn't tell him but I don't know how else he'd have known so that's confusing in itself. Either way, exH is now telling everyone I was cheating on him while we were together (absolutely not true) and that this proves it because even though we're separated it's still an affair because we're not divorced yet. I know that's technically true but I never so much as kissed anyone else while we were still in a relationship and now I consider myself morally free to do what I like with anyone as the relationship is over. But exH, and a slowly growing number of our mutual friends, say it's still an affair because I'm still married and should be faithful to him until we've got a divorce and so this proves I was probably unfaithful while we were together too. Are they BU or am I?

HollyBerryBush Sun 19-May-13 12:51:12

Tell him to fuck off with the emotional blackmail and trying to isolate you from friends.

Dawndonna Sun 19-May-13 12:51:18

Ignore it. ignore his friends. It really isn't their business, it's not his business either. The more you reply, the more he'll know he's getting to you. He's using this as a form of control, and so far, it's working.

twofingerstoGideon Sun 19-May-13 12:54:38

YANBU. You are being manipulated by your ex, who sounds like an utter cunt.
Congratulations on leaving him, by the way.

pantsjustpants Sun 19-May-13 12:55:14

I have an xh like this. It's just another way to try to control you, and manipulate joint friends. Being nice to you hasn't worked, this is the next step.

Do your mutual friends know why you've split??

Booyhoo Sun 19-May-13 13:00:31

bollocks. it's not an affair. you know it and he knows it. he's just trying to pull whatever ammo he thinks he has to get at you. ignore him. you're real friends will know the truth. fuck the rest of them. and fuck whoever told your EXh.

movingonandonandon Sun 19-May-13 13:00:55

Thanks, this is making me even more relieved not to be living with him tbh! I wasn't even questioning myself to start but he's been so vehement about what a Bad Thing this is that it's got me really wondering. ExH says he wouldn't dream of sleeping with someone while we're still married as if it's the worst thing in the world. I've told mutual friends quite briefly why I left, couldn't bear to go into too much detail but exH has quite happily spilled lots of detail about the most minor things he did as if he's really apologetic, while ignoring the 90% of worse incidents so I think friends & relatives have got the idea that he just lost his temper once or twice and did the odd 'bad' thing but nothing very shocking and that I've overreacted and left him. Wish I could set them straight but still find it so hard talking about.

Numberlock Sun 19-May-13 13:02:56

You'll soon find out who your real friends are.

Booyhoo Sun 19-May-13 13:04:59

if there's one thing i have learnt in life it's that people will always think stuff about you that is wrong. sometimes you'll know they think it and sometimes you wont. you wont even know some people who think they know stuff about you exist. you have no control over what most of them think. so forget about it. they'll think what they want to think. let them, it doesn't affect you. you know the truth about your life. if they want to know it (and deserve to) then they'll ask the right person (you) and you can tell them.

look after yourself. ignore anyone that's not relevant to your future.

RandomMess Sun 19-May-13 13:05:18

Well you can always try and be brave and say to family/friends, "that isn't even half of what he did to me" - you don't have to go into detail.

If you can try and establish some friendships away from yoru mutual circle, and yes you'll soon find out who your real friends are.

randgirl Sun 19-May-13 13:05:39

This is when you will find out if any of those mutual friends are real friends, or not. He is manipulating you still as I dare say he did throughout the marriage. Well done for moving on, you did the hardest part by leaving. So what if you had a ons, you are no longer with your ex. Good for you! Ignore him.

Mia4 Sun 19-May-13 13:05:45

YANBU at all! And I'm disgusted your friends are getting funny about a non-affair and not cutting him out for being a worthless abuser!

He sounds very toxic and if they share and encourage his 'shaming' and controlling mentality then I'd cut your losses with all of them too because they sound like they'll be toxic to you too.

If you want to bluntly set them straight just say: We're separated, not married anymore, and he's an abusive wanker. Why would you defend someone like that and help him continue trying to manipulate and control me?'

movingonandonandon Sun 19-May-13 13:06:33

Oh and my closest friend actually laughed in front of him at the suggestion it could count as an affair but later he told me, and apparently his family too, that she was bound to think like that because 'she's a slut and will sleep with anything.... do you want to end up like that?' (bf is single and likes to date but definitely doesn't deserve that label). Either someone agrees with him or if they disagree they must have as terrible morals as me and be promiscuous hmm.

pumpkinsweetie Sun 19-May-13 13:07:09

He is abusive & controlling and all this does is show that he is still the same as when you left him.
Tell him to mind his own business, you are not his property to control anymore and are free to do what you want with whom you want.

RiotsNotDiets Sun 19-May-13 13:08:50

I don't think it's cheating, but it is technically adultery, but admitting that isn't necessarily a bad thing, as it means you won't have to wait to get divorced. If one of you has committed adultery you can get divorced right away, rather than waiting 2 years after the separation.

Then you can be officially free of the prick.

TheBigJessie Sun 19-May-13 13:10:54

Well, at least he's not pretending that "he'll change". He's going for the "you're right, I am an utter bastard" option! Leaving him is obviously one of the best decisions you've ever made!

He's an abusive bastard with a good line in persuasively couched bullshit. He's still unreasonable, though, however many hard-of-thinking "friends" agree with him.

movingonandonandon Sun 19-May-13 13:12:19

You're all right (of course) - am very quickly finding out who's a friend and who was just nice to me while it suited them and would now rather stick with exH -does feel shitty knowing what they think I've been 'up to' but you're right Booyhoo, there's probably people thinking stuff without even knowing who they are.

And that definitely hits the nail on the head - think he does see me as his property that he'll reluctantly have to let go of when I get the divorce but until then if he can't control me in real life he wants to through a bit of paper.

DioneTheDiabolist Sun 19-May-13 13:13:53

If your Ex or friend's hmm say anything, just say "It isn't cheating. Our marriage ended the first time you/Ex beat me. The divorce is just paperwork informing the government."

movingonandonandon Sun 19-May-13 13:14:29

Riots - yes, it'll help in that way, we've got very little between us and I don't care who's 'fault' it is so the sooner the better!

Jux Sun 19-May-13 13:14:48

Tbh, if anyone said anything about his little 'blips' of 'temper loss' I would say "AND the rest....." through gritted teeth.

Of course it's not an affair. Of course he'll be screwing around as soon as he thinks no-one's looking and he thinks he can get away with it.

Do you need to have anything to do with any of these people?

scaevola Sun 19-May-13 13:16:47

I think that once unambiguously separated (as you are) you are free to pursue other relationships.

Legally, it might still "count" as adultery. But does that matter?

Booyhoo Sun 19-May-13 13:18:21

yes dione is right. the marriage was over long before the divorce will be completed.

"'she's a slut and will sleep with anything.... do you want to end up like that?'"

^^this is him trying to control your future sex life. he's trying to attach negative labels to certain behaviours so that you wont choose to do those things. you see that right? does he get a say in your future sex life?

movingonandonandon Sun 19-May-13 13:21:07

Unfortunately I live in quite a small town so often bump into 'friends' and sometimes exH. XBIL (a fully grown man) has actually taken to running across the street when he sees me now, apparently he thinks he's going to catch something off me or I'll try and seduce him or something, as XMIL has told him (in front of me) that I'll 'be after her other boy now I've lost ex' - it partly really hurts but it's hilarious to see it written down right now.

I've had more than I've liked to do with them because I've still been going to their family occasions and things so the grand-relatives (who are so sad at our split, won't live much longer etc etc) can see my dc's and have been listening to all this without saying a word, but think I'm going to start cutting that off.

movingonandonandon Sun 19-May-13 13:24:30

Booyhoo, he definitely still wants that control, he tried his best to make sure I wasn't friends with her when we were together too because of how 'loose' independent she was. In one way it's easy to see but sometimes I'm told all these things so certainly that it makes me start doubting myself sad

Booyhoo Sun 19-May-13 13:30:49

stop doubting yourself. live by your own morals and not someone else's. no-one else is going to come to you on your death bed and say "well done- you lived how i wanted you to" you have to live for yourself.

it is hilarious that a grown man will run away from you in the street (i live ina small town aswell and know exactly how that feels- knowing he or his family could be in the supermarket or post office when you walk in) but let him run. and anyone else taht's an arse, well, they;re being the arse aren't they- its their choice. you dont have to engage. and yes, cut down on seeing his family. let him take the dcs himself to family occasions.

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