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To think dh is being harsh?

(68 Posts)
Daisydoomoo Sun 19-May-13 08:58:23

It was my dh's birthday on Friday, and we had a Thai takeaway that eve and I'd even bought some Thai beers to go with the meal. He had lots of cards, gifts and money so not a bad day really. He went to work as usual and met with a friend for a drink at lunch.

Anyway, he keeps talking of having a birthday weekend, where we do something in addition to the actual day. Problem is the weather is poop and weekends are spent playing catch up with jobs to do in the house.

He was most put out yesterday when I was late getting back from taking the boys swimming, as we were going to meet up with some friends for dinner at a local pub. But these plans were a late after thought that he'd made after I told him I wanted to take the boys to a new swimming pool. Which he had declined to come with us, as he wanted to mow the lawns and get the gardens straight.

Sorry, this is longer than I planned but wanted to set the picture. Now to the harsh bit, I've just completed training as a Breastfeeding peer supporter, and I volunteer at a couple of childrens centres each week supporting new mums etc. I'm also a sahm so this is important to me as I enjoy this role outside of our family life etc. Plus the training and volunteering looks good on my barren cv.

Well I received a SOS call from my sister in law's brother (my brother's wife's brother) who was a little beside himself with his hormonal, knackered girlfriend (who gave birth 6 days ago) she has had a bit of a wobble and finding bf painful etc etc.

They were worried that baby had lost weight and might have to go back into hospital if she lost anymore.

Anyway again, my dh was most put out, that I should be more concerned with my own family and he sort of relished in their new parent misery (probably after years of family gatherings hearing their fantastic holidays and the like.)

So we ended up having words, with him feeling hard done by as his birthday appears to have been a let down and he didn't like me spending my time trying to help extended family with their new baby problems.

He is selfish, right?

LRDtheFeministDragon Sun 19-May-13 10:33:15

So what did he say when you pointed out this was a bit out of the usual? Is there something going on that made him feel he especially needed a bit of a treat? I mean, I get that, sometimes you do need to lean on your partner for a bit of extra pampering, but you've got to let them know something is up! If he's not giving you any reason, I would say he is sulking like a child, TBH.

Or does he have some kind of unexpressed (no pun intended) issue with you doing the breastfeeding counselling?

Daisydoomoo Sun 19-May-13 10:39:58

LRD - I don't think he is entirely happy with me doing the voluntary work as it's unpaid. My sil's brother was in a real state with worry. My dh has a "don't care, not my problem" attitude.

LRDtheFeministDragon Sun 19-May-13 10:41:07

Oh, nice. hmm

(Him, not you, obviously)

If you're short on money I sort of get his point but then, it is quite important work to be doing, and even if you weren't doing it his attitude isn't very nice.

Daisydoomoo Sun 19-May-13 10:43:55

He is on a £600 per day contract.

Ilovemyself Sun 19-May-13 10:52:57

It's easy to say he should have put plans in place but if work is taking over how does he have the time?

saintmerryweather Sun 19-May-13 10:53:07

i really dont u.derstand why an adult (or anyone for that matter) needs a birthday weekend. he is totally unreasonable, and helping a struggling new mum sort out breast feeding isnt the same as rushing off to fix a car at all. especially since you didnt even go, you were just on the phone!

Ilovemyself Sun 19-May-13 11:06:42

Saintmerryweather. Of course people need time like birthday weekends. If you are working hard all the time, and you do not have much family time then it is perfectly reasonable to expect a bit of down time.

And the help of others as a one off is not normally a problem but if the voluntary work has been getting in the way then I am hardly surprised he is upset.

Remember, charity begins at home and if there are problems there they need to be fixed before you run off sorting anyone else's problems

CouthyMow Sun 19-May-13 11:11:58

FGS. HE is being unreasonable.

The OP went away with him just over a week ago, and he said that was for his birthday.

The OP asked him what he wanted to do on his birthday - he said he wanted a Thai takeaway. He got the takeaway.

The OP sought out well-thought out presents, which were a surprise to her DH.

The OP made definite plans for her DC's to go swimming, which would have been a nice family day out - and invited her DH. He declined, preferring instead to mow the lawn.

As the OP was leaving the door, with DC's swimming kits in hand, expecting to go swimming, at 2pm, her DH suddenly springs on her that he would like to go out at 4.30pm to meet friends at a pub.

Who should the OP have disappointed at that point - her fully grown DH or her DC's?!

2pm - 4.30pm, allowing for travelling times and time at either end for changing, isn't much time for DC's at a brand new swimming pool.

And when she got back, a bit too late to go out, she took a phone call to support a new mum with bf - in line with her volunteer position as a bf counsellor.

Who exactly is being unreasonable, and dare I say it, childish in this scenario?!

Because I don't think it's the OP...

Her DH seems to expect the world to revolve around him, gets irritated with the OP for volunteering unpaid when he earns more money in a day than most people do in a week, is jealous of other people's holidays etc...

I don't think it is the OP at fault here. In the slightest.

CarpeVinum Sun 19-May-13 11:12:42

My dh has a "don't care, not my problem" attitude

So does my husband sometimes. But after many heated dicussions it turned put that it isn't that he doesn't give a crap about everybody else, but struggles with the intensity of my "I must fix all X sorts of problems in the world!"

I couldn't leave a "specific context" duck to limp if my life depended on it. I was not very good at arriving at a reasonable balance in terms of focsuing on putting "out of home" fires out and being truely present (in mind, body and spirit, cos I spent a lot of time in the home but utterly preoccupied with other people's stuff) with my family.

It was easy at the time to frame it as him as a selfish git, but in retrospect and some self examination it wasn't quite the one way street of "make this all abput my needs" as I had originally thought.

I still do it. But use his harummphing as a sign I am loosing perspective ...again. Becuase of the context being so consuming for me I kind of need an external,pressure for my own sake let alone my family's sake.

I doubt you are anything like as bad as I can get, but might there be a degree of preoccupation with your desire to support BF that is limiting your presence in his copany becuase even when you aren't actively doing it, you have it on your mind quite a bit ?

Sometimes when something new gets chucked into the mix there can be a period of transition where one feels like their slice of the "company" pie just got smaller and the othernhas a high degree of preoccupation due to the newness and attractivness of their venture.

CouthyMow Sun 19-May-13 11:14:28

The volunteering might be getting in the way of his schedule, but what about the OP?!

She says she does this to do something 'grown up' outside the house, and she enjoys it.

Why shouldn't the OP have her own life and her own plans too - she doesn't exist solely to please her DH, you know, the OP is a person in her own right too!

CouthyMow Sun 19-May-13 11:30:19

It just sounds to me like because the OP has found something she likes to do, and she didn't choose to disappoint her DC's by cancelling their swimming trip, he is throwing his toys out of the pram because it's not all revolving around HIM.

If work takes up so much of his time that he can't take 30 seconds to send a text in advance to make plans, then why does he have an issue with the OP volunteering?

Sounds a bit 'off' if you ask me.

All he had to do was to say, when the OP asked what he wanted to do, IN ADVANCE, was that he wanted to do X, Y or Z.

Instead he got pissed off with the OP not being a flipping mind reader and knowing, without being told (don't know where she's hiding that crystal ball it seems she needs), that he wanted to go out, when he actually told her he wanted to stay in and have a takeaway?! confused

How is THAT fair for the OP? For her DH to get pissed off with her for not knowing something that she hadn't been told, and was actually the opposite of what she had been told?

Still can't see how this is in any way the OP's fault.

Is she meant to organise him a party with jelly and ice cream, and a sodding entertainer every year like he is 4yo?!

Why the song and dance about an adults birthday? And if he WANTED a song and dance made of it, why the fuck did he tell the OP that all he wanted was a bloody takeaway?

It almost sounds like he was engineering a row, because he told the OP one thing whilst wanting another, he knew she wouldn't disappoint their DC's by changing the plans to go swimming as they left the door, he knew that with her being a bf peer supporter that there was a chance that she could be called upon to help someone, yet has used all these things to get snarky with the OP.

I'm actually quite pissed off on the OP's behalf - how could she reasonably be expected to know that he meant something different to what he said? How could she reasonably be expected to know without being told that he wanted to go out rather than stay in? How could she reasonably be expected to disappoint their DC's as they were going out of the door? How could she reasonably have ignored a phone call from a new mum in distress over bf when she is a bf peer supporter?

All of these things were reasonable. So her DH getting snarky about them is therefore unreasonable!


greenformica Sun 19-May-13 11:32:21

arrange a belated celebration day out? your relatives BF'ding needs are more important though i agree.

Ilovemyself Sun 19-May-13 11:33:10

I love the way everyone is having a go at the husband, but it appears he is working hard to provide an extremely good income for the family and spends all week with no quality family time. He is justified in wanting some family time when he gets the chance.

And I still say that there is more to this. I would love to see a post from him giving his side of the argument ( not that that will happen!)

greenformica Sun 19-May-13 11:34:50

we tend to go to a stately home or have a walk/picnic somewhere on our adult birthday weekends.

WhereYouLeftIt Sun 19-May-13 12:08:21

"He is justified in wanting some family time when he gets the chance."
He did get the chance for family time, going swimming with his wife and children. He chose to stay home by himself and mow the lawn.

Daisydoomoo Sun 19-May-13 13:20:47

I was just surprised how unsympathetic he was, and felt like I couldn't win either way.

I try to be supportive of his needs but I do feel like his expectations of me are different to what I'm prepared to offer.

In the past I've surprised him with a party (for his 30th) and theatre trips, meals in london etc, so maybe he expects that now?

He works really long hours so I don't mind that he doesn't do the same for me - as I have the luxury of time during the day to arrange things. Plus I benefit in that I accompany him. So why can't he support me with my voluntary role. Did he expect me to tell a family member that I can't speak on the phone right now (literally 10 mins) as it's husband's birthday weekend and he needs my undivided attention, should he wish to make a decision on how to celebrate?

changeforthebetter Sun 19-May-13 18:17:58

I remember coming back from a meeting pf bf peer supporters. it was at someone's house. we had herbal tea and buns. I had my phone on my lap the whole time. when I came back at 1130 (long winded convos about fundraising) he was livid. he came towards me, his arm raised to whack me one. DD2 14 mos at the time was wide awake. not remotely suggesting that your H is in the same lowly league pf twuntishness. but I do think PPs might have a point about him feeling threatened. bf peer support with its hoardes of MWs HVs and hormonal newly delivered mum is not exactly awash with opportunities to meet the opposite sex grin

glamstretchmarks Sun 19-May-13 18:23:56

Well I think his birthday could a have been a bit better tbh... so I think you are both BU in different ways... I would have offered to do something else with him for his birthday as he clearly wants to.

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