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To think dh is being harsh?

(68 Posts)
Daisydoomoo Sun 19-May-13 08:58:23

It was my dh's birthday on Friday, and we had a Thai takeaway that eve and I'd even bought some Thai beers to go with the meal. He had lots of cards, gifts and money so not a bad day really. He went to work as usual and met with a friend for a drink at lunch.

Anyway, he keeps talking of having a birthday weekend, where we do something in addition to the actual day. Problem is the weather is poop and weekends are spent playing catch up with jobs to do in the house.

He was most put out yesterday when I was late getting back from taking the boys swimming, as we were going to meet up with some friends for dinner at a local pub. But these plans were a late after thought that he'd made after I told him I wanted to take the boys to a new swimming pool. Which he had declined to come with us, as he wanted to mow the lawns and get the gardens straight.

Sorry, this is longer than I planned but wanted to set the picture. Now to the harsh bit, I've just completed training as a Breastfeeding peer supporter, and I volunteer at a couple of childrens centres each week supporting new mums etc. I'm also a sahm so this is important to me as I enjoy this role outside of our family life etc. Plus the training and volunteering looks good on my barren cv.

Well I received a SOS call from my sister in law's brother (my brother's wife's brother) who was a little beside himself with his hormonal, knackered girlfriend (who gave birth 6 days ago) she has had a bit of a wobble and finding bf painful etc etc.

They were worried that baby had lost weight and might have to go back into hospital if she lost anymore.

Anyway again, my dh was most put out, that I should be more concerned with my own family and he sort of relished in their new parent misery (probably after years of family gatherings hearing their fantastic holidays and the like.)

So we ended up having words, with him feeling hard done by as his birthday appears to have been a let down and he didn't like me spending my time trying to help extended family with their new baby problems.

He is selfish, right?

niceguy2 Sun 19-May-13 09:00:40


CrapsWithBears Sun 19-May-13 09:01:01


TheCutOfYourJib Sun 19-May-13 09:01:53

If your dh is 4 years old ( cos he sounds like he is) then no he's not being selfish.
If he's an adult then yes he's being very selfish.

putyourhatonsweetie Sun 19-May-13 09:01:55


putyourhatonsweetie Sun 19-May-13 09:02:23

sounds like a rather nice birthday to me.

ImperialBlether Sun 19-May-13 09:02:31

I think he sounds like a baby, tbh. A birthday weekend? Would he like a bouncy castle and pass the parcel?

Does he break his neck to make sure you celebrate your birthday for several days?

comedycentral Sun 19-May-13 09:03:02

What a man child

ChasingStaplers Sun 19-May-13 09:03:08

Yes. He sounds like a big baby.

HerrenaHarridan Sun 19-May-13 09:03:36

Lots of people will say he's a grown up an birthdays don't apply.

I disagree with that viewpoint but ffs it's not like your jumping out of bed on the morning of his birthday with out even a kiss an going to drink wine while he looks after the kids.

You have celebrated his birthday already.

Problems are so much more pressing when you are a scant few days old. They just need some reassurance ffs. Breastfeeding is make or break in This period and if she wants to keep going she should be supported in that.

ThingummyBob Sun 19-May-13 09:03:36

Yes. He is selfish.

He should have made proper plans in advance if he wanted a big birthday celebration confused

Although you still might have gone to see the new mum anyway I'm sure. And you'd have been fine to do that imo.

What is he, 12? wink

CarpeVinum Sun 19-May-13 09:06:48

Honestly love it is really hard to come to any sort of conclusion without masses of detail that would make a post so long you'd start to rival me in "essay lenght posts" grin

It's your truth, there will also be his truth, and somewhere between the two will be The Truth.

I think when I am seriously off pissed with DH what helps is when I sit down and (very begrudgingly) force myself to see things from his perspective. And while I have yet to conclude "tis all my fault" I have come up with bits and bobs where I have been a bit blind to my own doings that contributed to a state of crossness.

Which makes the compromise stage much easier, cos there is less tussling over the slightly harder to defend bits and he feels "heard" to some degree.

Maybe try that and see how it goes ? Cos in this case I'm not sure outsiders making their best guess based on a one sided snippet will be as accurate as anything you can come up with yourself, cos you have all the details and the bigger picture in your pocket and ...we don't.

It sound resovlable though, from what you've said.

AThingInYourLife Sun 19-May-13 09:08:14

People who want birthday weekends are a pain in the hole.

You get a day. That's your lot.

Now fuck off expecting the world to celebrate the anniversary of your arrival in it.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Sun 19-May-13 09:08:52

Selfish knob.

Would love to know how much of a fuss he makes about your birthday!

PareyMortas Sun 19-May-13 09:09:56

His birthday sounds a by dull tbh you could have a takeaway and a couple of beers at anytime. He was probably being unreasonable about helping out the family bf crisis as a reaction to not feeling his birthday celebrations were up to much.

Daisydoomoo Sun 19-May-13 09:15:04

The take away was his choice. My parents offered to baby sit so we could go out, but he due to work commitments he couldn't get home any earlier than 8. The first mention of doing something else were made Saturday morning.

Maybe his disappointed with my balloon modelling ability, he wanted a sword instead of a doggy.......

Purple2012 Sun 19-May-13 09:17:36

I would love a takeaway pizza and a night of crap tv for my birthday. And some chocolates to eat while watching said crap tv.

He is being a prat. Fuss on birthdays is for kids, unless it's a big one for an adult.

BooCanary Sun 19-May-13 09:18:25

I'm going to go a bit against the grain as I do think it sounds like you made a unilateral decision about plans for Saturday. Wouldn't have hurt to consult with your DH.

Re. The bf support. On the face of it your dh sounds like HIBU, but I guess it depends how often things like this 'crop up'.

I don't go overboard for birthdays, but DH and I ( and the DCs) do tend to try to spend at least some of the birthday weekend doing something a bit fun and special.

PareyMortas Sun 19-May-13 09:19:48

Well he obviously feel it, your choice to dismiss his feelings.

Ilovemyself Sun 19-May-13 09:20:39

There are always 2 sides to a story.

But aside from that, if he keeps talking about a birthday weekend this is not something that has just cropped up. He has obviously been hinting for some time that he wants to do something for the weekend but nothing has been arranged. I can see why he is a bit miffed.

And as for helping out the brothers sisters aunties cousin or whoever she is, does she not have other people to support her? Before you all shoot me down for that comment, 2 of my 3 spent the first week of their lives in the Nicu and we have never been able to go straight home with ours.

If the birthday is an issue, I suggest that there are other things he is not happy with as well and this is just the point you have picked up on

diddl Sun 19-May-13 09:22:24

Yup-we can all afford takeaways & beers whenever we want.

None of us see takeaways as a treat/something to have on a special occasionhmm

Could he not have met his friends anyway/you all been late?

But he did manage to celebrate on his bday-so what's the problem?

Hope your rellie gets her bfeeding sorted out.

HollyBerryBush Sun 19-May-13 09:22:28

Reverse it - hypothetically you had a takeaway for your birthday, the promise of a weekend doing something nice and your DH rushed off to sort out his brothers car.

He'd still be a shit in the eyes of MN for letting you down and putting his extended family first. Which is exactly what you are doing.

diddl Sun 19-May-13 09:26:00

If he wanted a bday weekend-maybe he should have put definite plans in place?

Isn't that what is always being said on here?

Don't hint/say what you want/plan it yourself?

AmberLeaf Sun 19-May-13 09:26:07

Im on the fence a bit. He was at work fairly late on his birthday, so just a meal at home albeit a nice one, but I think Id have appreciated something else at the weekend too.

He may well be putting his point across in a childish way, but I think he has a point all the same.

I think CarpeVinums post was good though.

AmberLeaf Sun 19-May-13 09:26:50

Agree with Holleberrybush too, this would be seen differently if genders were reversed as ever

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