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To stop DS's grandfather from meeting him

(25 Posts)
VeremyJyle Sat 18-May-13 18:40:02

Short background - Had a short relationship with ExP which broke down when DS was conceived, ExP's DF (who I've never met) has known of the pregnancy since I was 9 weeks, ExP was scarcely in contact throughout the pregnancy, wasn't at the birth but got in contact when DS was 2 weeks old. He has 'stepped up' and sees DS a couple of times a week, paying for him and buying things he needs.

I know that ExP's DF knows who I am as he got his gf to look me up on facebook, comments were made to ExP about pictures I have on there (I've since changed all my privacy settings) but no contact made from their side.

Fast forward to DS being almost 2 months old and no attempts have been made to meet me or DS (his first grandson) and not to drip feed but ExP has a DD and his father is very active in her life.

ExP has accused me of thinking "no-one wants to meet DS" to which I replied well no-one has! My gut instinct is to think he clearly doesn't care about his grandson so why should we care about him? Not too sure where to go from here.

HollyBerryBush Sat 18-May-13 18:42:29

Im sure when EX takes the child out he will introduce them to his side of the family.

Although I think YABU to try and prevent it.

HootShoot Sat 18-May-13 18:47:19

Maybe the GF has been asking to meet your ds but has been asking your ex. If I was in his situation I would probably wouldn't approach you directly if we didnt already have some sort of relationship which I'm guessing you don't if you were only with your ex for a short time.

VeremyJyle Sat 18-May-13 18:47:39

I don't trust ExP to respect my wishes so at serious risk of sounding petty he won't be taking DS out without me anyway, besides he's in no hurry to take him alone so hopefully before that arises something, I don't know what, will be sorted

VeremyJyle Sat 18-May-13 18:49:53

Hootshoot this had occurred to me already, its all ifs buts and maybes, I don't know what way to turn sad

digerd Sat 18-May-13 19:20:40

When you said gf, is she your exDP's or his DF's gf?

What about the DM /GM, surely she would love to see your baby?

At 2 months DS is very young. I'm sure GF will be more interested when he is a bit older and can interact more with him.

Is it not possible to go with ex to his dad's house for a short visit, or they to you?

TidyDancer Sat 18-May-13 19:36:36

When you say your DS's dad won't be taking him out with you, how long d you anticipate you will be able to do this? Because at some point that will change and you will have no control over whether your ex's family see your DS. You may be better off letting them in now so you get a chance to meet them and know them. You can't control the future, but you can have a hand in now.

TidyDancer Sat 18-May-13 19:36:48

Taking him out without you, I mean.

TigerSwallowTail Sat 18-May-13 19:55:13

Has he asked to see him?

CrapsWithBears Sat 18-May-13 20:13:47

My DD is 15 weeks and my ex-DPs DF hasn't even bothered to come see her, no doubt when he does deem she's worth some attention I'll be expected to drop everything and re-arrange my schedule so he can finally meet her.

everlong Sat 18-May-13 20:19:37

Try not to over think it.

The GF might be unsure how to play it seeing as you're not with his son and you've never met each other.

Saying that if I were him I would have sent you a present and left my number.

Do you want your ds to know his grandad?

VeremyJyle Sat 18-May-13 21:41:43

Thanks for your replies, the gf is ExP's father's gf (his mum is no longer on the scene)

I did want DS's GF to meet him but maybe I'm being postnatally hormonal but just feels like another rejection, I didn't expect a huge welcome party but feeling rather ignored and snubbed hmm

VeremyJyle Sat 18-May-13 21:44:52

Tidy I know what you mean about the future, that's the only thing stopping me telling him to fuck off to the far side of fuckity if he eventually makes to meet his grandson, I suppose that was my AIBU, WIBU to tell him that?

VeremyJyle Sat 18-May-13 21:46:18

Craps how do you feel about it all? Have you met any of his other family?

everlong Sat 18-May-13 21:48:23

Yes I can understand why you would feel put out.

You could invite him to see the baby? He might be thinking like you are that you might not want him to see the baby?

AgentZigzag Sat 18-May-13 21:49:12

Has your DSs GF just backed off to give you a bit of space?

Two months isn't long.

If you don't know each other maybe he doesn't want to upset you or make things between you and your ex more difficult?

It'd be worse if he was harassing you constantly to see him, but really, he hasn't done anything, nothing that'd give you a reason to make such a harsh decision so early on IMO.

CloudsAndTrees Sat 18-May-13 21:51:12

What makes you think they don't want to meet your baby? I'm confused.

They probably know that the baby is still little enough that his Dad isn't having him alone yet, so they haven't pushed the issue. That doesn't men they aren't interested.

Mosschops30 Sat 18-May-13 21:52:35

YABU to stop him meeting his grandfather.
You also state your ex won't be taking Ds out without you.

Neither of these thoughts are healthy or useful.
Unless there has been abuse or other problems your ex will not require contact supervised by you.

Maybe you need to think a little less about yourself and a bit more about Ds and his extended family

VeremyJyle Sat 18-May-13 21:55:45

Thanks guys, my moodswings are worse than the British weather, I can see it would be a harsh decision, I'm feeling VVUnreasonable now confused But (and there's always a but) he has known since I was 9weeks pregnant and this is slightly riling, he could've me months before DS was born, or instead of snooping through fb pics, could've sent a message saying sorry my sons being an arse but you've got my support.

What about swallowing my misgivings and messaging through fb? It is my only line of communication to him via his girlfriend

HollyBerryBush Sat 18-May-13 22:05:43

IF I were the GP in this situation, I don't know how I'd react if my son had impregnated a woman whilst in a fledgling relationship. A relationship with someone I'd never met. I can be as up front as anyone, but even I'd find it difficult to approach a woman I've never met - and my son may be telling me some stories about you - and risk rejection.

My first loyalty would be to my son (unless of course he was proven twat with a bad record with women) and I would bend to his wishes. If he were a known twat I wouldn't pay the slightest bit of attention and probably do what I felt best.

Your stance is coming across as aggressive and it seems you have decided to cut 50% of your childs family out. TBH it's not your decision who to include as family.

Why don't you do the adult thing and ask EX, next time he's in contact, if he;d like to bring his father?

Oh and was there a reason he tittled tattled about his DFs GF looking @ your FB? A little bit of shit stirring me'thinks.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 18-May-13 22:06:03

You don't know what his son has told him the most usual one that springs to mind is that he's been told the baby is not his sons or at the other end of the scale that you don't want anything to do with them.

With all due respect because I understand your emotional and upset but why was it there responsibility to contact you what was stopping you contacting them?

They will have no idea what your expectations of them are it seams very wrong to blame them for this.

AgentZigzag Sat 18-May-13 22:14:44

Trying to get a handle on the situation by looking through your fb I wouldn't say is snooping.

And I'd probably think less of him if he started slagging off his son to someone he's never met.

I don't blame you feeling unreasonable though, the main thing is that you haven't burnt any bridges as yet and are thinking about whether it's the right thing to do or not, and that's very reasonable.

Kneebeefjerky Sat 18-May-13 22:27:07

As you weren't in a relationship and his son had very little contact with you throughout the pregnancy I think you are right to have realised you were being a bit u. It's that polite not to send a card or present but it's not enough to forbid your child from seeing his GF forever.

VeremyJyle Sat 18-May-13 22:27:16

Thanks Agentzigzag I was starting to feel quite shite about it all, they probably weren't snooping, I just felt a bit like you can see me but I can't see you. Wrt my earlier suggestion of contacting them, I've looked up their fb and it has disappeared :-(
I'm going to take Holly advice and suggest he brings along his dad or maybe we can go there? Ironically I think I've been far from aggressive, probably sitting back too much and wanting the world to come to me for fear of looking pushy or bossy.
Thank you to the guys who pointed out he doesn't know what my expectations are either, my rationale has just vanished, MN is the perfect antidote to sleep deprivation grin

Kneebeefjerky Sat 18-May-13 22:30:25

Yes, but the comments about the FB were made to the son who has presumably passed them on to the OP. I think that's a matter where the son should have kept his gob shut rather than anything else. Why did he need to tell her his Dad had said that?

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