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AIBU?

In-law visiting

45 replies

happygonicky · 18/05/2013 09:09

I don't know if I'm being fair or not.

We have a small baby (12 weeks) and, inevitably, we've had a lot of visitors at weekends. Lovely, to be expected, and as long as I know when people are coming, so I can put the date in the diary to avoid clashes, great. I also try to pace myself a bit. Not too many overnight visitors in a row and I try to keep one day a weekend free for us as a family. I do my best to be a good host, but prefer notice (a few days, if possible) and like people visiting, but find I can get a bit overwhelmed with the sheer number of people (and I got burnt-out in the run-up to our wedding last year).

We've had my mum up this week to stay, in-laws earlier in the week, friend coming later today. I find out this morning that in-laws want to stop by again this weekend and I just feel it's not convenient. It is unusual they want to come up twice in one week and it will only be a fairly brief visit, but I feel frazzled and tired (baby is fab, but last few nights have been a bit more disturbed than usual) and simply don't want to entertain anyone else this week. I also have some work to do, which had factored into a quiet weekend. I keep saying to them, visit whenever, but tell me in advance. They would have known they would be in the area (and likely to want to visit) for many months.

They are nice people and I am fond of them, but I'm getting exasperated by getting a call on the morning/day before and for them to say they're coming up the following day. Especially as I keep telling them to let us know in advance. They know we're busy (we're booked up until end of June with family visits/other commitments).

I'm almost starting to feel like it's a weird control thing. We've said we can't do last-minute visits (odd exception would be fine), but it's almost as they're forcing us into it.

OP posts:

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fluffyraggies · 18/05/2013 09:11

Not being sarcastic OP - but what happens if you say no? Have you been brave enough yet?

HollyBerryBush · 18/05/2013 09:13

Can't you just say "Sorry, that's inconvenient, we are doing XYZ"

pictish · 18/05/2013 09:16

Not seeing the buggy. They're allowed to suggest they pop in, and you're allowed to say no.

Just tell them you're snowed under this weekend.

pictish · 18/05/2013 09:16

The buggy? I meant biggy obv.

happygonicky · 18/05/2013 09:18

We do if we're specifically doing something else, partner doesn't feel he can if we are technically free/ could 'fit the visit in'. Which it's often hard not to, given that they 'only' drop by for an hour or so.

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HollyBerryBush · 18/05/2013 09:21

You'll be glad of hands on GPs in a few years when you want a night out or a weekend away.

Out of curiosity, would you feel the same way if it was your mother dropping in?

happygonicky · 18/05/2013 09:22

I could go out, couldn't I? Leave baby with DH for two hours, take work and find some peace and quiet. DH says they want to see me too, but have seen them pretty recently. I'm done with entertaining this week. Is that rude?

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theoriginalandbestrookie · 18/05/2013 09:25

No it's not rude, it sounds like you need some time alone. I don't think its a control thing, they just want to see their grandchild, you can say no if you want, or you could go out for part of it, just explain you need some fresh air.

HollyBerryBush · 18/05/2013 09:25

If they are that close - why can't DH take the baby and visit them and you can crack on with whatever you want to do?

happygonicky · 18/05/2013 09:26

They absolutely won't babysit (other grandchildren in family). Re my parents, I'd feel absolutely the same. Great if it's planned. I'd say I just have limited capacity for hosting, apart from the fact that we actually have lots of people to visit/stay

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LouiseD29 · 18/05/2013 09:26

YANBU to tell them you don't feel up to it today. But - sounds like you need to be clear with them about what 'advance' means to you - calling the day before/the same morning is calling in advance - they probably think they are doing as you asked - just have a slightly different interpretation of the word!

happygonicky · 18/05/2013 09:27

I think I do need some time alone.

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fluffyraggies · 18/05/2013 09:29

I think there are lots of ways around this. You leaving the house for a bit, DH taking baby to theirs ...... etc etc

However if you both feel that you would like this day/week/hour to yourselves then that is what needs to be arranged.

DH needs to simply say ''mum, can we have some time to ourselves this weekend - we'd love to see you on XYZ instead''.

QuintessentialOHara · 18/05/2013 09:29

I get you.

Why do they have to visit your house? Cant your dh take baby and meet his parents out in the park, or for lunch? Give you a break rather than expect you to entertain at the drop of a hat?

happygonicky · 18/05/2013 09:29

Louise, you're right. They used to call on way! I appreciate the replies. I'm very tired and don't want a temporary loss of perspective to damage good relationship.

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fluffyraggies · 18/05/2013 09:32

While i'm here i would like to say that i hate this idea that you have to please every one else all the time because you'll be begging for babysitters soon

happygonicky · 18/05/2013 09:33

Thanks Quintessential. That's a good idea, for future reference. On this occasion, getting out suits me.

I

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claudedebussy · 18/05/2013 09:35

i agree with getting your dh to meet them somewhere. you need to do some work / sleep / stare at a wall.

FreshLeticia · 18/05/2013 09:45

Also - get a phone which shows who is calling and don't answer it when their number comes up if you don't feel like it

CheshireDing · 18/05/2013 09:52

YANBU

I agree with what Fluffy said too.

Your baby is still only small, have a bloody rest and some time on your own as a little Family. Can't you just say "no sorry we are going out".

I think you are very accommodating having people stay over so often, sod that in this house

flanbase · 18/05/2013 09:55

This one for your dh to tackle. If his parents want to come round then he is responsible for the whole thing and you shouldn't have to do anything before, during or after. If he can't do this then they can't come to visit & he should tell them this

happygonicky · 18/05/2013 10:01

I might get him to meet them out. They won't like it, but it avoids me having to tidy up. Not that the place is a tip, but his mum would notice if place not immaculate.

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TigerSwallowTail · 18/05/2013 10:04

Visitors every weekend, overnight guests and a 12 week old baby, that just sounds utterly exhausting! You're perfectly within your right to say no and spend the day in your jammies with your feet up.

happygonicky · 18/05/2013 10:05

Problem is, Fresh, they always call DH. He's then put on spot and agrees.

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fluffyraggies · 18/05/2013 10:07

But but but .... (and sorry to keep picking) .... you hinted that your DH feels unable to say no unless their is a 'valid' reason. ie you're going out.

I really feel it would be healthier for him to feel able to say no - we'd like time to ourselves.

If one of you wants to pootle out shopping or whatever during this time then that's ok too.

I just feel it's not right that your DH feels unable to be honest with his DPs. There's no reason for them to be angry with either of you for organising your own time.

Flip

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