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to be worried about my sons safety when with sister in law

(30 Posts)
sweettooth99 Sat 18-May-13 08:14:48

My sister in law has a back problem that is so bad if she had to grab my son aged 3out of danger she could end up in a wheel chair. She doesn't carry anything heavier than a sandwhich in case she injures herself. I am not certain she would save him at the risk of disabling herself. I realised this when I saw them together and he nearly stumbled over a height, about 12 foot and she see did not reach out to grab him, but he righted himself. I saw this from a distance so maybe she could see close up that he was not in danger but I was really upset by it. she is very keen to take him on trips and I am really uncomfortable. My husband doesn't think we need to worry but I'm uncomfortable and don't want to leave him alone with her out and about. Aibu?

imaginethat Sat 18-May-13 08:17:59

Not at all. you are absolutely within your rights to ensure you feel perfectly comfortable about who he is with, where etc and you should not give in to pressure from others. Your child, your rules

fluffyraggies Sat 18-May-13 08:18:12

YANBU

sweettooth99 Sat 18-May-13 08:30:56

Thank you. It's a really hard one. Lots of pressure on me to share my son because she can't have her own. I just want her to back off really and I wonder if I'm trying to find excuses.

HerrenaHarridan Sat 18-May-13 08:39:04

She should not be taking him out unaccompanied, but be gentle.

fluffyraggies Sat 18-May-13 08:40:30

Who is the pressure on you from OP? Just your SIL, or other members of the family too?

Relaxedandhappyperson Sat 18-May-13 08:41:27

Are you saying that people with back problems can't look after children? It seems a tad sweeping! What about reins?

Featherbag Sat 18-May-13 08:42:17

I think days out together is the answer here, or trips to somewhere like the cinema? Carefully thought out you can protect your DS's safety and your SIL's feelings. Difficult situation though, YANBU not wanting her to be in sole charge of him if there's even the slightest chance of her having to choose between his safety and her mobility.

greenformica Sat 18-May-13 08:48:22

I think until your son is old enough to act responsibly and not need 'saving', it might be worth assisting your SIL when she has your son. It would be awful if something did happen to her back because she had to rescue your toddler. It would be awful if your son wasn't 'rescued' in an emergency situation either.

sweettooth99 Sat 18-May-13 09:51:56

Thank you. It's a really hard one. Lots of pressure on me to share my son because she can't have her own. I just want her to back off really and I wonder if I'm trying to find excuses.

sweettooth99 Sat 18-May-13 09:56:58

Sorry for re post there. She wants to prove, I think, that she could be a great mum if she had the chance. It's all very tragic really.

imaginethat Sat 18-May-13 09:58:42

It does sound sad but it is not up to you to make her feel better if it means doing something you are uncomfortable about.

FarBetterNow Sat 18-May-13 10:02:00

YANBU.

Do not put son at risk.
She is being unreasonable thinking she can cope.

You wouldn't let a 90 year old take him out, so don't let her.

CreatureRetorts Sat 18-May-13 10:04:58

Your son isn't an item to be loaned or shared like a library book.

If he's not safe then that is your priority.

honeytea Sat 18-May-13 10:23:30

Yanbu.

in a couple of years when your son is more danger aware it will be lovely for her to take him out but looking after a toddler is very physical and if yuo don't feel like she can keep him safe don't allow her to take him out.

I think there is a big difference between children who grow up with a parent with a physical disability, I think in that circumstance a child would have grown up knowing that yu must be carefull of mummy's back or you must stay close to daddy even though he can't hold your hand, your child will be used to the care you can give and is probably too young to understand he must not do risky things with his aunt.

sweettooth99 Sat 18-May-13 10:57:46

Thanks for supportive posting. I will be gentle, and find a way around this.

MummytoKatie Sat 18-May-13 10:58:08

My mum is fairly similar although I'm 100% confident that she would save dd in this situation.

What I've said to her is:-

"I know you - she'll fall over and cry and you'll pick her up without thinking and damage yourself."

Could you say something similar - even if you don't think it's true.

HumphreyCobbler Sat 18-May-13 11:00:24

I do not think you are unreasonable at all. I did not want my DPs to look after my son when he was small as he was a bolter and they just were not fast enough to catch him if he did a runner. He would not return for calling, the only way to be sure he was safe was to catch him.

cory Sat 18-May-13 11:04:36

Of course people with disabilities can look after their children perfectly safely: I have several friends who have done this. But then it's their own children,they have a plan, they know exactly the kind of scenario that might arise and how their children are likely to react. And the children know the limits too, as honeytea says.

That's very different from occasional days out. Even if your dsis knows your ds very well from seeing him with you, that is not the same thing as having sole charge of him: there will be so many potential incidents that she doesn't even see because you are there looking out for him.

thebody Sat 18-May-13 11:06:09

I don't get this at all.

Why is she so entitled and precious that she needs to borrow your son or share him.?

If she really loved him she would put his needs first and see that she isn't physically capable of safeguarding him.

He's your responsibility to keep safe.

Say no.

sweettooth99 Sun 19-May-13 18:07:42

thanks for all povs much appreciated and helping me to sort out what I think. The issue is that the family has so much denial and sadness about what her capabilities actually are, as this started when she was a teenager, that it's completely entrenched in their family way of being. I've bought into it too, and have always been made aware of how she would like a partner like her brother, she likes my job, she likes my friends, she loves my son.... I feel guilty and that I should share my family life as she doesn't have a partner or many friends. My husband feels very sorry for her and strongly wants her to feel included and involved. I find it hard, as Im a people pleaser by nature and she doesn't take a subtle hint.

sweettooth99 Sun 19-May-13 18:09:26

thanks for all povs much appreciated and helping me to sort out what I think. The issue is that the family has so much denial and sadness about what her capabilities actually are, as this started when she was a teenager, that it's completely entrenched in their family way of being. I've bought into it too, and have always been made aware of how she would like a partner like her brother, she likes my job, she likes my friends, she loves my son.... I feel guilty and that I should share my family life as she doesn't have a partner or many friends. My husband feels very sorry for her and strongly wants her to feel included and involved. I find it hard, as Im a people pleaser by nature and she doesn't take a subtle hint.

diddl Sun 19-May-13 18:18:58

All families are different.
From my POV, I don't see why an Aunt need ever be in sole charge of her nephew tbh.

My sibling & me were never left with an aunt, my two have never been left with my sibling & I have never looked after my niece.

We all visit each other & enjoy that time together, & have never used one another as childcare.

Does your husband really want to risk his son's safety just so that his sister can prove what ahe is/isn't capable of?

sweettooth99 Mon 20-May-13 22:54:27

Just heard she has got her dream job up north and is really happy about it so hopefully won't need to do anything about it and she'll be much happier, so all good. Thanks for all help.

imaginethat Tue 21-May-13 10:49:31

Yay, a happy ending

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